When does "no" not mean "no" to you?

Anyone?

I tried looking, but while I remember the OP, I don’t remember enough to find it, now.

That’s it.

“No” always means “no”. “Yes” always means “yes”. “I don’t know” always means “I don’t know, seriously, and I still not going to know the ninth time you ask me that in as many minutes.”

People often learn this the hard way. If I ask you, “Would you like some help?” and you say, “No,” I am going to sit back down and go back to my book or DS or what have you, and not help you. People who are going to learn from this interaction typically do it quickly, after stomping around and resenting me only once or twice, and people who are not going to learn from this interaction typically stop talking to me, so I consider it a win-win situation.

Along the same lines, I am known for answering, “How are you?” with “Do you want the real answer, or the polite answer?” It’s not that I can’t play along with the social games, or that I don’t realize how they work, it’s that I get tired of guessing whether we’re gaming or not all the time. If you tell me you want the polite answer, I’ll give it to you, but then we are both operating with the understanding that I am following the script and nothing I say is going to be of any importance. I answer questions like “Are you okay?” with “No, but there is nothing you can do to fix it.” I cannot stand the “What’s wrong?”/"…nothing." game, so I refuse to play. If I say “Nothing’s wrong,” that actually means that nothing’s wrong. If something is wrong, and you can fix it, I will tell you, and if something is wrong and there’s nothing you can do about it, I’ll tell you that too.

I have also never in my entire life asked anybody else “Does this make me look fat?” It does not matter whether you think I look fat; it only matters whether I think I look fat, and if I think I look fat, the odds that you can change my opinion are slim to none. You will just have to stand there jingling your keys while I go change. :smiley:

I’ll be delighted to quit “trying to change” that passive/aggressive behavior when they quit bitching that they don’t get the results that they want.

I have no issue with the social nuances that we expect in our society. It’s when it’s your SO, I get a little testy. S/he deserves better than that. If a client says, “How are you today?”, they’re really not asking how I am. It’s a polite form of small talk and they don’t give one hoot if I have a headache or just lost my dog. If my SO asks me, “How are you today?”, s/he’s entitled to a much more candid answer.

It’s grossly unfair to ask someone, even the person who is the closest to you, to be able to read your mind and then get peevish when they don’t. It boggles my mind.

ETA: Yep, I guess I took my snarky pill this morning. The tone of the post is a little more abrupt than my intent. With all of these social nuances floating around, I could stand to learn a thing or two. :slight_smile:

Have you ever been in a group of guys when they’re talking about girls they slept with? Their entire way of describing a girl is dependent on how they feel about her. Those implicit feelings of “I slept with a classy lady” do come out in how and what you say about a girl.

You broked my brain.

But yeah, everyone has the right to sleep with whomever they want (caveats abound!), of course. And the slut thing applies to men as well. But it’s much stronger on women and like it or not, women compete for men just as much as men compete for women. A woman might not go out with a guy or two she likes to get one she thinks is an even better catch.

Now you’re starting to get it. I would guess that most women don’t want to feel like sluts. By giving token resistance, they can claim a little plausible deniability.

Do not underestimate people’s ability to fool themselves.

See, there is the difference.

In almost every relationship I’ve had, I was bombarded by a barrage of No. Once we crossed into Yes territory, it was pretty much yes from there on out. A few examples from my own experience:

  1. On our 2nd date, I tried putting the moves on her in her car. She said no, and so I stopped. On our third date, after she fucked my brains out, she said that she really respected me for stopping when she told me to. She never said no again.

  2. 1st date? Blocked. 2nd date? Not yet. 3rd date? Let’s wait until after dinner. After dinner? When she knew that I knew that she was “not that kind of girl”, she totally became that kind of girl. She caused me an injury and broke my bed that night.

  3. I got a barrage of No for three reasons. First, she wanted to know that I would not bolt after the first time. Second, she said it would be better if we built up a lot of tension first. (She was right!) Thirdly, she insisted that we both got HIV tested first.

Do any of these sound familiar? Was I manipulated?

Well, thank you for at least acknowledging that we exist. :slight_smile:

I have next to no capability to understand body language, and many social nuances are lost on me. Sheer effort over many years has allowed me to understand some minor social dances, but unless I’m looking for it I will generally be forced to take what you say literally. My husband is well aware of this, but will still sometimes slip up and give me a no that means yes, to which I’m forced to respond with the traditional protest of, “I’m not a mind reader, you know!”.

'm not annoyed that you continue to play your games with the 98% of the population that understands it. As long don’t get annoyed at me when I fail utterly at it and you’re stuck all afternoon without a drink. :slight_smile:

This reminds me of a song. A Weird Al song, by the name of Albuquerque.

Excerpt:

"OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin’ to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin’ to carry a big ol’ sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say “Hey, you want me to help you with that?”
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
“Noooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw”

So I did.

And then he gets all indignant on me
He’s like “Hey man, I was just being sarcastic”
Well, that’s just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I’m not a mind reader for cryin’ out loud
Besides, now he’s got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what’s he complaining about?"

So in response to the OP, no does not mean no to me when it is accompanied by an eye-roll and a sarcastic tone of voice.