34 years here and I just do my best to be the one putting the ice in the glasses. He knows, but he doesn’t always engage his brain. But I’m way too old to train another, so…
Early on in my very peaceful marriage we came to a common recognition. Do not let things bother you. If something bugs you, ask for a change. The other is obligated to accommodate that change as much as they can. And whatever is left unchanged must be forever after ignored by the first person.
If you let something continue to bother you, pretty soon the relationship assault score will be 87,432 to 4. The only argument will be about who has the 4.
This works well when both parties are willing to play. As billfish678 has said, it won’t work when you’ve got a crazy person for an SO. Nor will it work with a skilled taker.
All life is about this truism: you can only influence others; yourself is the only person you can control.
Stepping back from the drink-pouring to the larger issue of the OP’s life. I hear somebody telling us “Fate keeps piling obligations on me to help others and meanwhile nobody is taking care of me while my life goes down their rat holes.”
If that’s an accurate assessment of your situation then you have a decision to make: You have an obligation to take a certain amount of care of yourself. You owe it to you. Nobody else owes it to you and nobody else can do it for you. When you’re pushed to that limit then Fate be damned; the answer to any more requests has to be “No”.
It’s very nice that you’ve taken in two people (ex-wife & SO) who are both in bad shape. But if that’s more than you can handle you won’t succeed in saving them. Instead 3 people will drown rather than just 2.
Think long and hard about what it takes to say “no” to demands that exceed your capacity. Martyrdom is never very satisfying in the doing, as much as it sounds attractive in the offering to help.
There is a happy medium somewhere between martyred doormat and psychopathic selfish jerk. You’re a lot closer to the former than sounds safe or healthy. Moving a bit the other direction is not evil, selfish, or bad. It’s sound judgment for your long-term ability to help yourself and help the world. Basket cases do no one any good. Don’t become a basket case.
Maybe I am an old softie…or something…
But I teared up a bit reading what LSLguy said…some definite words of wisdom there…
Here is something that drives me insane every day.
me: looks for something
her: what are you looking for?
me: nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Just opening a few cabinets and closing them back up.
her: c’mon, tell me what you need.
me: okay, I’m looking for the thingamabob.
her: I have no idea where it is. You’re the last one who had it. Where did you leave it?
me: :smack::smack::smack::smack:
Yep, marriage is about letting ridiculous shit like this roll right off your back.
There’s also the flip side to that:
Him: “Honey, what did I do with my sunglasses?”
Her: “How the fuck should I know?!”
LOL, and you fall for it every time!
In fairness, OP has not said that his wife screams at him. That was an invention of another poster (I searched ‘scream’ in the thread but I didn’t remember it, and lo and behold, that is other poster’s projecting onto OP’s wife).
One thing that comes up in relationship advice, is that we aren’t getting the whole story. OP has said what’s happening in a way that makes him seem very put upon and his wife seem very uncaring. Well, uncaring enough to get him a drink. Maybe not caring enough to remember if it’s soda or juice he likes a 1/2 cup of. Or OP has a bad habit of saying “JUICE just a half cup” and his wife doesn’t hear. and “I can never do anything right” is something a grump might say, but it’s also the words of someone that’s never praised but constantly criticized.
Or OP’s wife could be insane. I dunno, I’ve never met either of them in real life.
I’m not saying OP is a bad person, but part of this communication problem is on him as well as on his wife. I understand he’s frustrated, but I wonder how two-way that street is.
Wait…I lied…I have to say something…why oh why would yours and presumably your ex-wives children and her family not helping you with her care. They are somewhat obligated, are they not? Jerk them kids up and make them help you. Maybe your SO is pissed about that, you think!?! And furthermore, She is not your servant, period.
You are about the 10th one to comment on the servant thing. You didn’t read the post. We get each other drinks when we are up, we both cook etc. The only complaint was it wasn’t served how it was requested.
She has kind of a problem not only at home but at work of feeling like any kind of correction is getting yelled at. She told me she was oversensitive about corrections since grade school. She takes it personal and doesn’t really understand why. The funny part is whenever you say something to her she reinterprets everything into what she things you really want. I think this is because she always asks for less than what she really expects. She actually appreciates if I give her more than she asks for where I am the opposite, I tend to say exactly what I mean.
Fair enough about the “scream” word. But it seems like he is communicating fine “Can I get 1/2 a cup of juice?” but she is just not listening or doesn’t care or something.
The OP seems to have many good reasons why it’s OK for her to continue to offer to pour him a drink, and why he continues to accept. The problem is, none of those things are working.
So, as has been suggested repeatedly, just politely decline and do it yourself. It’s not about a fair division of labor. It’s not about anything other than that when she tries to pour you a drink, one or both of you are ending up aggravated. It’s unnecessary, and the solution is simple. You want the solution to be different; but that isn’t working. You have a different solution at your disposal that does not rely on the memory or whim of anyone else. It’s completely within your control, and it will come out to your satisfaction 100% of the time.
Just do it yourself.
With his latest comment, he says how she asks for less food and he gives her more anyway. Then she does that to him and he gets mad. He claims it’s because she isn’t being truthful when she says she wants less but I really wonder if there are mixed signals.
Plus OP mentioned that he knows she takes criticism very personally. That may be a character flaw, but pushing that button by pouring out the extra isn’t helping.
I agree with Asimovian. There’s a simple solution, it’s just not the one OP wants.
I also agree with Asimovian. I just hope the same answer is given next time someone complains about “not putting the toilet seat down” or “throws underwear on the floor instead of the laundry basket”
I know that seems odd, but we have known each other for 25 years now. She prefers I fix her plates actually she loves me to fix her plate and her food. She has an over developed need to please, I think because she understates what she wants she assumes everyone does. I have known quite a few people like this usually women.
Let’s accept as truth that Ms.Badger is a person who hears through a negativity filter and interprets minor complaints and criticisms as major affronts to her self-worth.
And let’s play out that HoneyBadgerDC just politely declines and does it himself next time she offers.
She then asks why he just got up and got himself a drink when she had just been up and offered to do it for him.
How does he respond in a way that does not get heard negatively?
The bigger issue here is communication. Fault is irrelevant. We all want to be heard and listened to by those we love and who we try to hear and listen to. The triviality or non-triviality of the item is irrelevant, be it half-filled (half-empty) glasses or toilet seats or toothpaste or which way the toilet paper roll goes or frequency of sex or cuddling or work schedules.
I agree, I think some days other issues play in and magnify trivial issues such as the one I posted.
This is so God awful petty…the real problem is his situation is strained because he has taken over care of his childrens Mother…so every minor thing gets blown out of proportion… Get to root of the problem…; fix that first…then deal with his relationship to SO…I still think the problem lies there!
Apparently it’s only OK to make petty complaints about your spouse when it involves a lack of Sunday morning coffee. :rolleyes:
Hey…coffee is REAL Important!!