Wherein Andy must take a pregnancy test.

I have to undergo minor elbow surgery next week. Basically, my ulnar nerve is going to be shifted around a bit. Today my doctor informed me that I have to take a pregnancy test to satiate the anaestesiologist.

I find this extremely humorous. I’ve always assumed that Quietgirl shoots blanks (she has been getting that erectile disfunction spam, you know) and the idea of me being pregnant is interesting, to say the least.

What would I name it, for starters? Cthulu Jr.? Melissa? Teeming Millions, I am at a loss.

More importantly, if my lesbian lover is indeed the father, how will this look to the neighbors? Will I be able to look at a turkey baster again? I cannot stand this ambiguity.


That, my dear, is priceless.

What is up with you lesbians anyway?!
For the longest time my moms girlfriends doctor kept trying to tell her she was pregnant. (did you all follow that?)
This woman is so butch, that when we would all go some places people would ask if she was our dad.
We think the doctor just wanted to feel her up.

And, BTW, thanks, I will never be able to baste my turkey again without giggling.

As strange as this sounds, I know how ya feel, andygirl.

As a freshman in college, I fainted and took a bump to the head. Because it was possible that I had a concussion, the university medical center sent me on to the local ER where they proceeded to poke and prod me while asking me various questions, like “Are you pregnant?” At the time, my only sexual partners were female. So, confidently, I say, “No.” However, as a twentysomething female on a university campus, the doctor saw me as a stereotype, and he requested that I take a pregnancy test. I tried, in a nonconfrontational manner, to explain that something else–not a baby–made me black out. Unconvinced, the doctor bullied me into one. :rolleyes:

I proudly displayed my results on my dorm room door later that month. And it became a long-standing joke that the diagnosis at the uni medical center and the area hospital were completely predictable–at the former, you had an upper respiratory infection; at the latter, you were guaranteed pregnant.

Here’s a nice name: Parthenogenesis

parthenogenesis: reproduction by development of an unfertilized, usually female, gamete that occurs especially among lower plants and invertebrate animals

Call him/her/it Pat for short.

A good middle name would be Diddy, so your offspring could be P. Diddy.

You could have just said “moi aussi.”

I’ll keep a good thought for you, and your arm, andygirl.

The anaestesiologist still thinks that you can get pregnant when you go swimming in a pool that might have had men in it…yeah, that’s it.

< yeesh, that’s funny – and that would be funny for me too since I haven’t had sex of any kind since September! >

Good luck on the surgery. That’s scary stuff to me.


Jesus F. Christ, this thread title implied so many different bad things! Don’t scare your poor foster Mom like that! (tries vainly to lower heart rate) :frowning:


I hope nobody is offended if I post a doctor’s opinion. Yes, it is stupid that your doctor wants to test you and yes it is insulting that he does not believe you. However, one of the weird but true facts of medicine is that women who swear they absolutely positively could NOT be pregnant sometimes are. Women who have “not had sex in 6 months,” whose “boyfriend has had a vasectomy,” who “was told by my gynecologist that I was infertile and could never conceive” have all been pregnant. It is ingrained in medical training that you MUST do a pregnancy test on any woman of chilbearing age.

Now, add to this the fact that you don’t have an established doctor-patient relationship with the anesthesiologist and also the fact that problems with pregnancy/birth are one of the leading causes of lawsuits in this country and maybe you can see why the doctor wants a test.

That said, maybe we should bemoan the litigious climate of today’s medical care or the loss of the doctor-patient relationship, but frankly, I can understand the doctor’s point of view.

Even when said patient is a lesbian who’s never had sex with a man? :smiley:

I didn’t actually bother to tell the doc why I didn’t need one. I understand the reason for it being a blanket rule well enough, and some things just aren’t worth getting into. They can have me pee on sticks all the livelong day if it makes them happy as long as my elbow gets fixed.

Una, I can only offor my deepest apologies. Hee.

I thought there was something off about the thread title and name on the same line…


Again, this probably does not apply to you, but many of the lesbians in my practice have done a little “experimenting” in the past. That said, I do have a few committed couples who I never test because I know and trust them. However, I still do ask if they are still strictly monogamous.

Spit baby? :smiley: Hilarious post. The daughter of one of my neighbors has a little turkey baster boy (he’s about six now) with her partner. My neighbor introduces Malachai as her turkey baster grandson…I’m not sure if this is in good taste, so to speak.

Good luck with your elbow surgery, andygirl.

The school nurse once sent me to the ER with abdominal pains (turned out to be completely innocent). One of the docs thought I should have an X-ray so a nurse asked if there was any chance I might be pregnant. I bet it isn’t every day she has to ask that of a fifteen year old in a Catholic school uniform! :wink:

Good luck on your surgery, andygirl. And remember, you pee on the bit that sticks out (while supressing thoughts of Freud and phallic symbols so you don’t giggle hard enough to mess up your aim).

Reminds me of an anecdote in one of those “So, You’ve Decided That You’re a Lesbian” books of a quarter century ago (had chapter titles like “Beware the DAR; or the Gal Whose Husband Wants to Watch” and “Move the Beds Apart, Hon, Mother’s Coming to Visit”) –

The happy (& Out) couple were house-shopping in a small mainstream village and the real-estate agent Got It after awhile; but the agent was flustered and off-balanced and handled it by giving them the Married Couple Spiel while showing off the house, including


When I was 22 I had some surgery and when we got the bill from the hospital my mom and I were vastly amused that they charged the insurance company $50 for a pregnancy test. I was a virgin at the time. Really. I could have TOLD them…but I was, and still am, of childbearing age. I guess I’d rather they be overcautious. Especially since I didn’t have to pay for it! :slight_smile:

This reminds me of a stand-up comedy routine you’ve probably seen. The comedian, whose name I don’t know, is a lesbian. Her girlfriend is not out of the closet and had to go to the hospital for some reason, and was in total denial about her relationship with the comedienne.

Doctor: Is there any chance she’s pregnant?
Comedienne: Nope.
Doctor: Well, do you know if she has an active sex live?
Comedienne: Oh, you betcha!
Doctor: Well, how do you know she’s not pregnant?
Comedienne: Because we don’t use sperm!

One time in 1994 I drove myself to the emergency room at about 3 in the morning. By the time I arrived, I was actually vomitting from pain (yes, this IS possible) and screaming for help. I assumed that my appendix had already burst and that I had about three minutes to live. At the time, three minutes seemed a little long.

Unbeknownst to both myself AND the emergency room staff, I had a kidney stone. As some of you may know, this is a pain unlike any other. It’s the most excruciating, unbelievable torture known to humankind.

Since the medical staff didn’t know what the problem was, they had to run tests. They can’t give you any pain medication (read: morphine) until they figure out the source of the pain. Apparently, a Fallopian or other abnormal pregnancy is one of the first suspects in phantom abdominal pain that causes screaming and puking on nurses.

So, they asked me if I was pregnant. I screamed a tortured reply. They did some sort of blood test. They asked again if there was any possiblity I was pregnant. And again, I screamed the reply. They gave me a lead apron and did an X-ray. Then they asked me if I was pregnant. Not being in any mood to answer the same question 400 times, I became more forceful with my answer.

Me: “NO I’m not pregnant goddamn it AAAAAAAHHHH, give me morphine before I kick you in the head…now, now! I’m not pregnant, okay? I said I wasn’t…AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH…MORPHINE!!!”

Nurse: Okay, we’ll just do a pregancy test.

You don’t think about how long it takes to ask and answer such a question…OR the amazingly long time it takes to take the pregnancy test and get the results…until you’re spending that time hoping to lose consciousness.

By the way, I wasn’t pregant. And morphine is great stuff.


Imagine how I felt!