Oh - Perfect! Perfect perfect perfect!
Damn – I wish they would ask*-- these are some great answers.
*no, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.
I always want to say,. “When you get divorced,” but never do. Lately, though, I fall back on, “I’ve met no one worthy of me.”
They stop asking at fifty? I can’t wait that long. Anybody here want to marry me just to shut our respective families up?
Ooh, I like that. Jim’s family puts a twist on it, though, since he seems to be the carrier of the family name (there are not enough rolleyes for that - his last name is a fairly common Irish name). We have to deal with, “When are you going to carry on the family name?” The obvious answer for that one is “Never,” but we don’t want to be rude to family at Christmas, in spite of how rude they are for bringing it up.
How about, “It depends on which we have first - an “accident” or a vasectomy”?
No they don’t, at least in my family. I usually respond with “The cats would get jealous.”
Well, I’m only 21, so I don’t get the marriage question, but the boyfriend question usually comes up. My answers?
“Oh, Grandma, I want a man and I’ve only met boys.”
“Haven’t met anyone Daddy would chase off with the shotgun.”
“I’m waiting to meet someone who can fund my drug habit.”
“Ah! The baby’s drinking whiskey!”*
*Okay, I haven’t actually said this one, but I’m biding my time.
I have to wait for this question to be asked a certain way before I reply with my favorite answer:
nosy person: “So, have you met anyone yet?”
me: “No one with a six-figure income.”
Them: Why aren’t you married?
Me: I don’t have the personality.
Them: What personality is that?
Me: A personality.
I’m not single, but I’m fond of this one (and delighted that it’s not taken):
Q: “Why aren’t you married yet?”
A: “Why aren’t you dead yet?” (especially useful on elderly relatives)
And after you’re married
and you’ve had a child,
they ask when you’re going to have another. . .
My favorite: “It’s the usual story - I just haven’t me the wrong girl yet”
If they persist, I like to turn it around with:
“Well…how about next Tuesday ? Will that work for you ? I think I can find someone by then.”
If it’s an elderly relative, you can always turn it around by asking “How about you? Why aren’t you dead yet?”.
OK, I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.
Ah, you beat me to it. And after the first baby comes, they want to know when you’re having the next one. And then, after the next one, they want to know if you’re finished, or if you’re going to have more. I’ve never understand why people don’t see how rude this is.
I was the last of 3 siblings to get married, and the last of us to have children. I’m also the oldest, so after the wedding all I heard was, “It’s about time!” And though I never said it, I always thought, “So I should have married sooner so I could marry a loud, racist jerk like sister #2 or a guy who drinks too much and loses his job every few months like sister #3, instead of waiting around for a decent man to marry?” Feh.
Before we were married, I handled these questions with :
“When you pay for the wedding.”
After marriage, it instantly turns into " when are you going to have a baby?" rudeness.
“mr. Ujest has a low sperm count…” or " I’m infertile, thanks for bringing up a very painful subject. " (This was my favorite retort that just was a steaming cup of STFU.)
" Retardness runs in the family."
“You are not ready for my progeny to be released upon the world.”
“When you pay for the kids college fund.”
“We’re both gay and each other’s beards.”
I think overall, my to " Y’know, after 30 it is harder for a woman to get pregnant and you are thirty this month…"
" Honey, I’m Irish and Catholic. We reproduce like rats…I have no worries."
Damn! I knew there was something I forgot!
Actually, I have a really close family - no-one would ask those kinds of questions. Probably also because there are 5 of us all the same age that aren’t married.
Susan
In relationship over 21 yrs but never formally married, I have fielded this question for many, many years.
My favorite response, to the question, “When will you marry?” was always the question, “Do you wish for me to marry Mr Right or Mr Right Now?”.
I found this response to be, jokey enough to not be offensive, short and sweet, and directly to the truth. If pressed further I lean in for effect, and in conspiratorial tones say, “I’m just trying to avoid ever seeing the inside of a divorce court in my lifetime.” That stops them dead in their tracks.
There is no comeback. It’s true, it’s honest, it’s direct. And they shouldn’t ask if they don’t want to hear the truth.
Oooh, I like this … but with a twist: “I’m worried that nosiness might be genetic.”
Now I want to get married just so I can use that response when someone asks me about having a kid. 
Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever been asked this.
I’m trying to decide if it’s because the people I spend time with are respectful, don’t care or more insultingly(though likely true) that it’s never going to happen anyway.
Though then again, I very rarely talk to my relatives(because they all live on the far side of the country) and my parents have never tried to pull that on me, which is good because they’re both divorced and niether is dating anyone, let alone remarried. It would be incredibly hypocritical for them to bug me about my life.
Though I’m going to visit my relatives for christmas, so I may well here it.
You mean your relatives would actually take this fact into consideration? Mine live and breathe hypocrisy.
My parents respect it. No clue about my relatives, because I rarely talk to them. I guess I’ll find out when I visit in a month.