Why can't you just let the bitch go?

The BBQ Pit
21

Thanks again everyone for your support. I know that I need to spend some time alone. I’ll be 24 in a couple of weeks and I’ve spent no more than 3 months single since I was about 16. Pretty hard cycle to break, I don’t have that many friends that I hang with regularly, but I’m joining a community service group and hopefully I’ll meet some people there. The hard part is going to be not jumping into the next relationship! I think I just need to force myself into feeling comforatable outside of the walls of a relationship. Wish me luck!

Lezlie

22

Good Luck, and I know you can handle it.

I’m serious about babying yourself. In a relationship I will adjust what I do to ‘fit’ who I’m with. Nothing big, it smoothes over life and it’s no skin off my teeth.

when I’m single though, I love the thrill of doing all the stuff that I avoid in a relationship. I wear stuff he thought looked like crap, I order annoyingly at the drive through, even though it takes time, I spend four hours in the bath tub ignoring the world with a book. Be selfish with no remorse.

And like I said earlier, e-mail me if you need a bit of a chat. You can do this. You are a strong, beautiful woman perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

23

lezlers, drop this toilet trout like a live grenade. STD’s alone make this shithead not worth the risk.

24

Oh wow I never realized that steps out of the way as the dump truck upends 2 metric tonnes of sarcasm.

I said I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT!

I never said I expected the entire world to obey MY viewpoint of the world.

And since I feel like you’ll launch some sort of wierd ass attack that rivles this first statement (oh gee I’m kinda over 12 and understand how people work), I’ve had a conversation with everyone I’ve dated. The upshot of that conversation is 'by now I know I want to see you, here are my expatations for how we will treat each other (I won’t cheat on you and expect the same) however if you do not want to see me anymore or want to see someone else, TELL ME THAT!

Because I understand when you have a non standard view of something you can’t expect the other person to read your damn mind YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM.

I UNDERSTAND THIS I’M NOT FUCKING 6

25

You’ve already made it quite clear that you only fuck one person at a time and not six.

26

CRorex, Deepest apologies. I thought that if you “didn’t understand” I could perhaps “explain it to you” without you throwing a tantrum.

If you equate a chat over hot chocolate with a promise of eternal faith that’s fine. I take some time before I go that extra (thousand) steps…but then I have trust issues.

For the record, I have quite a few “non standard” definitions, and in general I don’t assume people have the same ideas of what is standard so when someone says they don’t understand the way I use a word I’ll generally define it for them. Some are in jokes that have crept into my vocabulary, some stem from my unique view of reality and others…god knows. A definition is not a judgement.

You might want to have that defensive reflex checked. Its a tad sensitive.

Be well. Drink some decaf tea.

27

Bon chance, Lezlie.

The service group is a good idea, maybe I ought to give it a try…

Maybe I haven’t given up after all… :wink:

28

galen, it’s one of my personal theories that no one can give up, really. The day you stop growing, learning and hoping you’re dead. As long as you live you are doing those things.

29

bursts into peals of sick laughter hee hee. Single and happy at the same time? This does not compute with me. I’ve been single for 5 months (and yes, i am over 21) and I hate it. I almost want to go back to my horrible, subhuman feeb of an ex boyfriend just so I don’t have to walk around the thought of being almost done with college and still not having a serious boyfriend, let alone a husband candidate. I’m too old to not have someone who wants to marry me :frowning: (note: i didn’t come to college just to get a husband…I value my studies and my impending degree. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go into the real world without someone who’s there for me.)

sorry for the hijack.

30

A shiver went up my spine as I read this. These EXACT SAME thoughts have been running through my head recently. My relationship problems are very similar to yours and I’ve had similar situations to the one you describe in the OP. Although I may not be the best person to offer advice (since I haven’t solved anything), here’s some anyway.

First, I echo others’ statements about learning to be single first – and learning to enjoy it. That’s the first step – and much easier said than done, I admit. As for letting go and getting over the most recent dating fiasco, it simply takes time. Try to find other things to replace your time/energy spent on the bf. Take a class, join a club. Occupy your mind with things that fulfill you and make you happy. Be close with your support network and be sure to do lots of “girls’ night out” kinds of activities. Commiserating with other women in the same boat helps, but don’t get bogged down in it.

I, too, was wondering how to break the same old patterns. Then I realized: sometimes the only thing you can change is your attitude. You can’t change who/what you are attracted to. But you can change yourself. I think you need to find a different type of man. The only way you’re going to be attracted to a different type of person is to BE a different type of person.

Working on your self-esteem and self-confidence, IHMO, is the only way to go about this. Me? I’m not interested in counseling. I’ve tried that and not gotten very far. Most of what I was told in counseling, I already knew. Therefore, I don’t see it as a viable option. (Maybe it works for some people, YMMV.) The biggest difference in my life has been the job I hold right now: it’s a position of authority in management. It has forced me to learn how to stop avoiding confrontation, how to address communication issues immediately instead of letting them fester, and – most importantly – how to not allow myself to be a victim. In short, my job has been the single biggest contributor to increasing my confidence, self-image and esteem. I am no longer attracted to that Same Guy (or the same 15 guys I’ve dated in the last 10 years). At the same rate I’m growing as a person, my tastes in men are changing. I just dumped That Same Guy recently. He was perfectly nice, but I am simply not fulfilled by him anymore. It was a big milestone for me to finally not allow myself to get sucked into a relationship that wasn’t right for me.

Also, I shouldn’t leave this unsaid: I find it difficult to know where to find the “different” men. I’m so used to dating and being attracted to losers (like in the OP), that I’m not sure where to begin looking for the non-losers… Now that my esteem & confidence levels are up, where are we to go to find the “good” ones? Where do trustworthy, grown up men hang out? (Those that still live with their mothers or roommates after age 25 need not apply.)

31

That’s what growing up should be about; finding yourself first. One’s chance of finding someone to live happily with in life is directly proportional to one’s ability to be a complete individual on one’s own. Daunting, but true.

QtM

32

lezlers,
You know what you have to do. Actually, no, that’s not the way I meant it. I hope, for your sake, that ending this is what you will come to want to do.
If you keep this guy around, that other guy, the one who’s
waiting out there for a girl JUST LIKE YOU, gets edged
out. Have faith in that other guy’s existence, dream about him patiently, and clear a path and make it a little easier
for him to get to you already!
:slight_smile:
I’m so sorry you have been through all this. Please pamper
yourself, and get through this the best way you know how.
Trust your instincts. Let your friends help, a LOT, but
I’ve found that everyone heals differently, and there arent
really any right and wrong ways to do so. Try to trust yourself to help you heal in your own healthy way.

(p.s.
You know, Meenie, I was about to post “what Manda Jo said!”
before you beat me to it and quoted her post.
Everyone I know who’s done what she suggested has been happier and more well-adjusted because of it.
Oh, honey, the last thing you need to worry about is when
you’re getting married. I can honestly say that I didn’t date any guys in college who I wish were still around now!
As for going into the real world alone, hell yeah you want to do it alone! Your single, independent years are to be cherished. You want to find your career path, pick a city,
any city, to live in, save up for a trip to Europe with your friends and flirt innocently with foreign guys, decorate a little apt EXACTLY the way you want it, go see a 9 pm movie alone on a random Tuesday night;in short, DO WHAT YOU WANT for a while, without having to compromise with anyone. Not only will you be better for it, but so will the person you’ll marry.)

I saved the most important piece of advice I ever got for
last:
As a woman, I found that during my dating years, my ego always got in the way. If we’re not careful, self-esteem can get tied up in whether or not some guy wants to be with us.
("Just who does he think he is? He outta feel damn lucky
to have me!..so…why doesn’t he?..I must not be as great as I thought…wait a minute: the HELL I’m not a great woman! I’d better just stick around until HE realizes what I’m worth, just to prove it to him!)
stupid, stupid, stupid pride…
When that happens, we forget to ask ourselves most important question of all:
DO I WANT TO BE WITH HIM ???

33

I thought that was why people had those “friend” things.

It always kills me when folks seem utterly unable to imagine an existance in which the presence of a romantic interest is not an absolute necessity…then again I’ve been with this same guy since I was 21 and I don’t even know what my real personality is or what I want to be when I grow up, so it’s not as though I have the right to open my big pie-hole in the first place.

34

So, how you doin’, Dogzilla? :wink:

Seriously, though, that is the eternal question, isn’t it? Where do you find good people?

The answer: pretty much anywhere. There are good people to be found in all walks of life, all hobbies, all occupations, and so forth. Unfortunately, the same holds true for the bad ones. And there’s no place where one can be fairly well assured one will find quality people - makes it a real drag for us single folks, doesn’t it?

All I can offer is generalities. Pay attention to the people around you. Listen, and consider from time to time the ones that you never paid that much attention to - maybe there’s a hidden gem there. Don’t hide yourself away - find social situations where you can meet new people with at least some of the same interests.

You never know what tomorrow will bring, after all.

35

You do it like millions of people do it–by having family that’s three for you, by having friends that are there for you. You don’t have to buy support and affection with blow-jobs, though I think many women sometimes think we do (and many men think the equivilant). You’ll never be in a good relationship if you feel like being single isn’t an option–think about it–if one person in a relationship can walk away, and the other can’t and they both know it, the person who can controls everything. The other person is totally at their mercy.

Five months really isn’t very long–it takes at least a year to be used to being single, to be happy in yourself. At five months you are still looking back at the old relationship more than you are looking at the present. Have faith that you can be happy and single–it’s certainly possible–and you will find that happiness does come. And later, when you do get involved again, you will be so much happier, with a good life enhanced by that special person, not being rescued and put into psycic debt to the person who rescued you.

Remeber, too, that there is no timetable. TV tells us that we are “supposed” to have hit certain milestones by certain points, but in the real world that is all bullshit. I know poeple that are happily married to thier high school sweethearts and people who finally found the perfect match when they were middle-aged–and lots nad lots of people who hooked up with thier spouse a few years out of college. This isn’t a movie, there is no secret script, you haven’t missed your cue.

36

EEEK!!!
Dogzilla!
NO men over 25 who still have roommates?
Most of the guys I know who aren’t married and are between
25 and 30 or so have roommates. Its a financial thing.
They want help getting that mortgage paid!
Of course, it may be a regional thing. Here in Charleston,
SC, real estate is quite expensive and salaries kind of low,
because this is such a desirable area. Couple that with the tendency of people around here to get married kinda late,
and voila!
Now, mind you, a 25 year old who still lives in a frat house, or has had some guy named Crusty sleeping on his couch for the last few months, THAT could certainly be objectionable!
:wink:

37

Back again.
I know you guys are tired of reading my running commentary,
but I just GOTTA say one more thing.

Irony.
Truth of the matter.
Hit me like a freight train when saw the thread title again.
I hope I don’t offend you, lezlers, even though this sounds
harsh, I really am trying to help…

“Why can’t you just let the bitch go?”

You’d think since she’s
-not good for him
-messes with his head
-damages him emotionally
-Is not “all there”
that forgetting about her would be the first thing he’d want to do. You think he’s absolutely nuts for even wanting to have anything to do with her. You’ve seen the evidence, and its quite compelling.
But letting go, although necessary, is not so easy.
You are proving it right now.

See, the way you feel about his choices is the way
that I, and perhaps other posters, feel about yours.

“Why can’t you just let the bastard go?”

38

Mind if I share my story? (It’s kinda long, so feel free to skip, folks.)

I, too, fell prey to one of these guys. When we first got together, I was at a completely insecure point in my life. Had just graduated college, didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I hadn’t dated in forever, and since I had put on some weight I felt very unattractive.

“J” sensed this and moved in for the kill. He manipulated me, emotionally abused me, cheated on me multiple times, lied to me, so forth and so on. I could go on for ages about all the shit he pulled. It embarrasses me now what I put up with.

Five months later my weight had dropped drastically, unhealthily. I was in the depths of depression, behind on all of my bills…(I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but might as well here: It got so bad my electricity got shut off just because I didn’t have the motivation to put the check in the mail.)

Finally, FINALLY, I completely broke down one night and went to my parents in tears. My parents are wonderful people, and had tried to help me before it reached this point. Of course, I wouldn’t hear any of it. He LOVED me. I was SPECIAL to him. It wasn’t his fault…his childhood was awful. My love would change him…I would become his family. And all that bullshit.

So when I finally collapsed, my parents took charge. I was into the doctor the next day and put on anti-depressants. I moved home temporarily, so that I would have a constant source of support, and someone to screen phone calls for me and someone to stop me from picking up the phone. I cut off all contact with J and sought therapy.

It was amazing how quickly I recovered. Within just a couple of weeks, I was laughing at his pathetic, romantic emails begging me to come back. I never responded, but he wouldn’t take a hint. So finally, I broke down and responded to his latest, pages-long, “I’m sorry but it’s not my fault” email with just the following:

“Shoo fly. You bother me.”

Hooo Boy! Did that make him mad! But after that he finally left me alone. I think he realized he had finally lost control over me, which is all he wanted in the first place.

I stayed single for a long time. I wouldn’t even let myself “just date” because I didn’t want to fall into any of those traps.

Now, I’m in a wonderful relationship. My self-esteem is through the roof. (Although, sigh I’ve gained the weight back.) I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

The moral of this overly-long story? It IS possible to break this pattern. Get a support system gathered around you, and brace yourself for the storm. It’ll amaze you how fast it will “blow over.” You’ll wonder what took you so long to do it in the first place.

Believe me, nice guys DO exist. I’m dating one. My Dad is one. My brother-in-law is one. They’re out there, I swear. As for where to find them, I have not a clue. Found mine at work. Mom & Dad grew up together. B.I.L and my sister had mutual friends. You just have to go out there and find them.

(Actually, I’ve observed in my life and others, that love usually finds you when you’re not looking for it. So go have fun being single, and let fate guide your way.)

Geez, I’ll stop writing now. I swear. So sorry guys, I just keep typing and typ

39

Sigh, it was mainly exasperation talking not some defensive reflex

and the whole thing is I also have major trust issues. Enough people have been giving me advice about how to live my life that I’ve already figured out a long time ago, its trying to follow it thats the hard part.
And I’m not talking about a life commitment. I try to invest a lot of time in getting to know a person before I manage to open myself up to them so what I term ‘dating’ is usually several months after I first meet them.

poke My response was more along the lines of “arrg must explain basic fundamental facts to someone who feels the urge to point them out”. Usually this falls into my smack stupidit with large 2 x 4 with rusty nails in it :stuck_out_tongue:

And yeah I realize I shouldn’t have added the sarcasm bit in the beginning.

40

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by meenie7 *
**

I agree.

There is a tremendous amound of pressure being unknowningly applied by my friends with me being single and not thinking about being married. Most of my friends have at the very least moved in with their SO. Hell my parents decided that I was gay simply because I hadn’t talked about any major women in my life. Jesus I’m ashamed of my parents at times. Here’s the kicker, I know that sooner or later I’ll end up finding someone I deeply care about and end up spending my life with. I don’t really want it to happen until I’m done with school and had a chance to enjoy life. At the same time I agree wth meenie7 its really damn hard to be 21, graduated from college and up and leaving for a job in some brand new part of the country.
Its really hard to leave your friends, family and everyone you care about and strike out on your own. Having someone who cares about you and with whom you feel happy being around helps.

Whats really strange about college is how nearing the end of Senior year everyone, or almost everyone has paired off. The last 2 months I felt like a freak and ended up putting myself into a situation that I shouldn’t have and ended up paying the emotional price.