Um… No. None. My point: when I was 25, I made $8 an hour and managed to make ends meet (mostly) without the luxury of roommates. True, I lived on Kraft Mac n Cheese, but I valued the independence too much to go back to the roommate thing. If some man wants help paying his mortgage, then he’s overextended and can’t manage his finances properly. I can pay my own mortgage, thank you very much. I have outstanding credit. I would prefer not to become involved with someone who’s credit rating will drag mine down in the gutter. Note: It may be a regional thing, indeed. When I lived in Greenville, SC, however, I was the only single person with no children above the age of 25, that I knew. That said…
You re-state my point perfectly with this last comment. There’s a difference between a man who works hard to pay his own bills but just happened to choose a low-paying field of work versus a bum who lives with his mommy and/or has Crusty The Loser Roommate crashing on the couch for months on end. You made the distinction here, so I don’t have to. Thanks for helping me clarify!
The guy I broke up with five months ago was my first boyfriend, so I spent three years of college and all the time before that being single. I had the “time to get adjusted” and I never did…being alone feels wrong and bad. I just feel lonely and pathetic all the time, and I suffer all these horrible crushes on guys with girlfriends (no, not the harmless, “hee hee, he’s cute, ooh he’s so cool, i wanna get his number” type of crushes, but rather the “I’m almost your stalker/when I’m near you I feel like I’m going to cry/you are my complete and utter god” type). That first boyfriend was a case of me settling just to be with someone; he sucked and he was stupid and ugly, but it was better than being alone. And it makes me wonder if all I deserve is an ugly, clueless feeb like him, since no one else has ever asked me out.
**
That’s something I never understood. How could you live to be middle aged without finding the person you belong with? How could you keep from killing yourself?
How repugnant. I think I’ll give my mom a call and thank her for raising me to be a woman instead of a leech. Gah. Maybe I’ll go throw up first.
Praise the Eternal that I’m comfortable with enough myself not to have to settle for just any ol’ man, so long as there’s a man! I’d rather be a redwood tree than an orchid.
This says far more about you than it does about him. At least he’s lost a loser.
To meenie7 (and anyone else who can’t handle being single): If it’s absolutely true that “being alone feels wrong and bad,” and that you “feel lonely and pathetic all the time,” then I would strongly, strongly, recommend some psychological counseling. This is not a healthy mindset. It is not normal. When I hear somebody say this:
…I know, without ever meeting or speaking to them, that they are horribly, horribly depressed, with zero self-esteem, and that at the same time they believe that a romantic relationship will ‘fix things right up again.’ Here’s the big clue stick: IT DOESN’T.
If you can’t be happy with yourself, there’s no chance you’ll be happy with somebody else.
I just want to start by telling all of you that coming home and reading your posts is the major thing keeping me from picking up that damn phone. Thank you. (Although I have been calling home and checking my messages every couple of hours, oh well it’s only day 2) he called, good thing I stayed late at the office…
Scredle: I know you’re trying to help but you’ve got it wrong. I can’t figure out why he couldn’t let her go because he HAD me. I’m having trouble letting him go because my fear of being alone. Two different situations. And I feel you on the roomate thing, I live in Northern California where you can’t get a STUDIO for less than $900 a month. If you’re not married and not making a 6 figure salary, you have a roomate. It’s the norm
Cervasie: I don’t feel that being alone is sick and wrong or anything, but it does kinda suck. All of my friends are “paired up,” I was a bridesmaid in 3 weddings in the past 4 months and whoever isn’t married is engaged or living with their SO. Kind of intimidating when you’re brand spanking newly single after years of being part of a pair. My surefire way of getting over a failed relationship was to find myself a rebound guy right freakin’ away. I’m trying not to do that this time. THAT is going to be really difficult.
Alright, that’s it for now. Thanks again everyone.
Lezlie
xchopis: Overreact much? Although I don’t condone it, I can kind of see where Meenie is coming from with the settling thing. Have you ever heard the saying “it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones”? It’s true, but that saying wouldn’t be so common if people didn’t “settle” often. Meenie obviously has low self esteem, so do I, and lashing out at her like that isn’t really going to help.
Oreo: Shoo fly. Don’t bother me. You are SO my new hero
Well, speaking as a 39 year old single man, how could I be so stupid as to kill myself just because I am alone? I have never had a live-in SO, I have barely had any SOs, and yes it gets lonely. I don’t expect that to change, but if I did something stupid like killing myself, I know it won’t.
Loneliness is not a reason to end your life. And if you seriously think it is, you really should talk to some kind of counselor.
thank you lezlers I don’t even approve of my settling. It was, in retrospect, a silly thing to do with a year of my life. My ex, while he does have some redeeming qualities, has a lot of really annoying ones that lead me to call him a feeb now. He certainly didn’t lose a loser; he lost a wonderful smart girl who should have stayed his friend and never agreed to go out with him in the first place. Xcheopsis–frankly, you don’t know anything about me or about the exboy, and calling me a loser is both pointless and patently false.
The therapy I went through from the ages of 11 to 17 didn’t seem to help me with these issues…when I get out of school and get a job with insurance, I plan to go to another therapist and try again. I would welcome the departure of this sadness and these feelings of dependence.
meenie:That’s something I never understood. How could you live to be middle aged without finding the person you belong with? How could you keep from killing yourself?
How would we ever catch up with the new threads on the boards if we killed ourselves?
Seriously, speaking as a 38yo SF, it’s really not so bad. (Mind you, I don’t predict that you’ll end up single at 38 yourself, but at least you should be aware that it’s a better option than suicide.) For one thing, it’s your own life, and (if you’ve been reasonably lucky) you have lots of great experiences, including some great relationships—even if they didn’t turn out to be The One—to look back on. For another, ye gods is it ever better than being with a person you don’t belong with. I hope you never end up trapped in a bad marriage, but I’ve seen enough of them to recognize that still being single is by no means the worst thing that could happen to me.
Third, it seems to me that, well, that happiness is not so much a right as an obligation. There really are a lot of things in the world besides love and sex that can make one happy (though the effects are definitely more subtle :)), and as you grow older you will discover more and more of them. It would be kind of selfish and irresponsible to refuse to let those things make me happy just so that I can continue sulking over my great misfortune in not having scored a husband yet.
And finally, you know, hope springs eternal. After all, maybe the right guy really is out there and maybe one day I’ll find him! How cool is that?!?
Yawn; in the meantime, however, I’m going to bed. Good luck and hugs, you girls.
sigh You know, threads like this always make me a little sad. I see all of these people (men & women, but women especially) who are living their lives in pain. Afraid to be alone, afraid to leave the abusive creep they’re with. And I know, from first-hand experience, that IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.
But there’s no way I can convince someone of that, especially not through a message board. Shit, I can’t even convince my best friend of that. It’s very frustrating. But I guess it’s just something everyone has to figure out for themselves, like I did. auughh!
First of all, lezlers, any updates? Keep us posted if you want to talk.
Maeglin-
I thought it was a little odd as well, but to me, 'Zilla just sounds like a fiercly independent woman, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
perhaps to clarify my position- I did not mean to suggest that it was not possible for young men around here to pay a mortgage themselves. It’s just that they prefer not to. They
buy something with room to grow into, and get a roommate or two to pay the mortgage, thus allowing themselves to sock lots of money away for the future of the family that they will presumably install into said home in the future. It’s mostly a financial thing. Getting ahead $-wise while single is much easier than trying to do so after the kids start coming.
However, I guess it all boils down to your priorities. I see nothing wrong with someone who values their privacy and
independence over a larger savings account.
Now I will get the hell out of here and stop this hijacking!
Not really much to update. Luckily this week has been INSANE at work so I’ve been leaving the house at 7 in the morning and coming home at about 8 at night, crashing at 9. I also have evening meetings/events every night this week and have jam packed my weekend. Actually I’ve jam packed the next 2 weekends. I’m going for the whole “keep busy” approach. He called again last night but I didn’t answer the phone. Thank god for caller ID. He didn’t leave a message. Didn’t call today. It helps that it’s the holiday season and I always get all giddy and happy this time of year. Can’t help it, I’m a sucker for holidays. My birthday’s in a couple of weeks though and that’s gonna suck because I know he got the day off of work, so did I. At least I know he’ll be thinking about me all day! Heh.
lezlers-
Thats’ awesome that the holidays make you happy no matter
what may or may not be going on in your personal life.
Thats the spirit!
And the keeping busy thing really does work for a lot of people, although it’s exhausting sometimes. (Of course, I guess that’s why it works!)
Hang in there. We’re pulling for you…
