Why do women say the opposite of what they mean?

The BBQ Pit
41

First, let me say that Doper babes are the greatest, and are each wonderful individuals!

Now that I gots that outta the way, uh Dooku, I certainly have encountered more women (including Ms. D act the way you suggest, than men.

Here’s my fave, which I don’t think has been hit on yet. I’ll call it asking for an opinion that you have no intention of following.

Take these questions:
Should we have the Piranha Brothers over for dinner?
Do you mind if I get rid of your xyz?
Do you prefer this bedspread, or that one?

Responses:
No I hate those gits.
Yes I mind, I’ve had that since college.
I guess this one.

Well, you know those PBs are gonna be staring down your table, the next time you are looking for xyz it will be nowhere to be found, and you’d better get used to sleeping under that bedspread.

For 99.9% of such issues, I really have no preference. If you ask me for my preference and I say, “I don’t care” - BELIEVE ME! You have carte blanche. Knock yourself out. Fulfill your wildest entertaining/decorating/accessorizing/scheduling desires. But if you force me to express an opinion, at least give it some freaking weight!

Corollary #1, when the .1% of instances arise, where I actually DO have a preference, cut me a little slack for giving you free reign the other 99.9% of the time.

Corollary #2 - if you are going to flipflop back and forth a dozen times times before actually pulling the trigger, why don’t you let me wait until the first 10-11 flips before asking for my opinion?

Corollary #3 - “You don’t saound as tho you MEAN that!” Chances are, my utterances resulted from a conscious choice. Let’s operate from the assumption that i do in fact mean the vast majority of things I say. I just feel saying it is enough, without needing to SELL my message with every emotive fiber of my being. I’m not a good enough actor to know how to convey HOW MUCH I prefer the first shade of off-white for the bedroom walls over the second shade.

So things stand after 17 years of marriage. (Does the poor, long-suffering maid have all you gals’ pity?)

42

Yet another Point Of View:

All through elementary school and Junior High, I was frequently rebuked for being “too assertive,” “immodest,” and “unladylike” whenever I expressed an opinion. (Note: not by my mother. This came from teachers and other adults.) I was told that speaking my mind would never land me a husband and that a “real lady” always let the man make the decisions. I guess I was supposed to figure out how to control him or something.

So, I’m wondering how many women in my age group (old and grumpy) were enculturated with this behaviour. (Obviously, all attempts to correct my “aggressiveness” failed miserably.)

43

Based on 37 years of the Big M, hear are some suggestions, Dooku.

  1. When you start the conversation, “Where do want to eat tonight?” don’t back down. You have offered her a choice. Don’t offer a suggestion. Keep asking her until she makes a choice.

  2. If you’re in mood for Sushi, start the conversation by saying so. Then she knows she’s acquiescing to your wish.

  3. When you want to go out for a few beers and watch football with the guys, it’s never OK. Your job is find out just how not-OK it is, and what your better half expects in return.

  4. When the little lady says, “I don’t care,” that often means she does care. Make sure you ask for a preference several times before concluding that she really doesn’t care.

44

Um, yes, it is. I like my “girls’ nights out,” and of course I want mr. genie to have his equivalent, which usually involves a large-screen TV, much soda pop, and a loud, violent movie. Then I can watch “Pride & Prejudice” for the 40th time in peace. Yes, we can survive a few hours without your oh-so-necessary male presence.

45

Her: You want to wash the dishes after dinner?
Me: No.

Her: Would you please wash the dishes after dinner?
Me: Sure.

======

Her: Do you want to go grocery shopping with me?
Me: No.

Her: I would like you to come grocery shopping with me.
Me: Ok.

We’ve had the conversation many times and I’m told that she feels expressing her desires on minor issues is being bossy and she wants to give me a choice (even if I am not really being given a choice). We’ve gotten better, and she’s come to accept that frequently I am more than happy to do something for no other reason that she wants it done.

Passive aggressiveness is not a gender thing, but it is my experience that the manifestations of it tend (meaning that there is a broad range in both genders, but the “average” is in different points) to differ by gender.

46

We don’t mean the opposite of what we say… we say what we mean. You males just choose to hear the opposite of what we say, giving you “yet” another reason to complain about us.

47

We NEED another reason??:stuck_out_tongue:

48

Whats to complain about? The fact that without us, you wouldn’t even be here? That fact that we love you, nurture you(in most cases) even though most of you seem to think that you are superior to us.(yeah. sure.)and yet we allow you to live.

You should feel priviliged.

49

These are, without a doubt, some of the most assinine suggestions I have ever seen offered.

  1. If someone doesn’t fucking KNOW where they want to go to dinner, hounding them sure as hell isn’t productive. If anything, it’s far more likely to piss them off and start a fight.

  2. What does acquiesing to someone else’s wishes have to do with anything. If she’d rather have something else, but “acquiesces” you’ve got a mess just waiting for a chance to break out.

  3. It’s often fine to go drinking with the guys. Just as it’s fine for a woman to go out with her friends and leave hubby at home. It’s the job of both partners to be honest with one another about their feelings, expectations and plans.

  4. When a woman says she doesn’t care, she often (this is kind of shocking, so try to stay with me) DOESN’T CARE. Hounding her about whether she has a secret opinion will earn you a good hard slap, often followed by an argument about said hounding.

Dooku, if you have problems with this kind of stuff, talk to your wife about it, as calmly and honestly as you can. She may not even realize she’s doing the things that are driving you crazy, or she may not realize that it upsets you. You’ll never know until you have the conversation.

50

I’m confused as to which of these comments can’t be directed by men at women.

51

I live with Lola aka “Verb Girl”.

I don’t do too much wondering as to her state of mind.

Damn, I’m lucky.

52

[celestina scratching her head]

Dooku, I’m sorry to hear you’re having some communication problems with your wife, hohn, but it seems to me that you already have the answer. Since you believe that all women say the opposite of what they mean, then when your wife or any other woman says one thing, just do the exact opposite of what they say, and you’ll be just fine. And in case you’re wondering, I just said exactly what I meant so don’t apply my advice to what I just said, as I am one of those rare women what actually does say what she means. :slight_smile:

53

Being a woman, I must say that Dooku has all us gals all figured out and must be the smartest man to ever grace the board with his wisdom. And I bet he’s really hung, too. Yup.

54

xcheopis made a good point. I was called unfemine as a teenager because I actually had opinions and expressed them. As I understand things, women are supposed to be nice, easy-going, and accomodating, focusing on the relationship rather than themselves.

Still, it might be a good idea for Dooku and his wife to sit down and have a talk about working things out. I’m sure she’s trying to be nice to him, to be a good person.

CJ

55

Mrs. Mojo: You never do the housework I want done!

Me: I would love to do the housework. Tell me what you want done.

Mrs. Mojo: I want you to feel what I want without my telling you. If I have to tell you, that ruins the feeling.

(If only I could put on a pair of glasses that lets me see the house the way she sees it. She sees the need for massive redecoration and rearrangement where everything looks fine to me as it is. Most of the time I honestly don’t know what she’s talking about. A little guidance would go a long way, love.)

56

My, my such hostility hidden behind sarcasim.

Dooku is asking why, in his experience, does he seem to have difficulty understanding the wishes of his wife. It is not a swipe it is just that there seems to be a problem with communication between some men and some women. As I can see in my limited experience quite a few men have a similar problem.

Anecdotal evidence would suggest it isn’t limited to one or two individuals so maybe there is soemthing to it. I’m sure there are quite a few studies that show males and females differ in their socialization skills while growing up. This may account for the way they deal with each other.

Of course you will have some males and females that are just the opposite. Does that make the question any less valid?

Maybe that is why you find many of us dumb men folk scrathing our thick neanderthal skulls with our dragged knuckles wondering why men and women don’t seem to always understand each other.

Or are those out there taking offence to this thread saying that there is no differnce in how women communicate and how men communicate?

And before you answer I want you to concider the last time you spoke to the opposite sex and thought to yourself,
“What the #%@ did he/she mean by that?” :eek: Or “Doesn’t that #%@ undertand what I mean?” :smack:
and then think about whether that seems to be more the case than when you deal with people of the same sex.

57

My wife is usually quite good at expressing herself, but there’s one area that we still get our wires crossed: taking out the trash.

She will say to me: “The trash can is getting full.”

I will agree: “Yes, it is.”

To my way of thinking, she has made a statement, and I’ve agreed with it. Now, granted, there’s an inference that should be made – namely, that the trash should be taken out soon.

In her mind, though, she has just asked me to take out the trash, and I have just said I’d do it right away. How do I know this? Because in those instances when I didn’t take out the trash right away, she has called me on it. “You said you’d take the trash out last night!” “I did? I don’t remember that.” “I swear, your memory sucks.”

Fortunately, we’ve both gotten better at understanding what the other means in those situations.

58

I’ll admit that I sometimes do situation 1. In general I tend to be pretty ambivalent about where I go out to eat, so if my boyfriend asks me, I’ll say I really don’t care. However, if he mentions a place or cuisine, and I suddenly realize that I want to do anything BUT that, then I will tell him.

I drove up to visit him this weekend. Friday night we went out to dinner. He asked me where, and I said “anything but pizza.” I had been driving for 5 hours and didn’t want to have to think about all the restaurants in the nearby area and make a decision. He chose, and we were happy. It’s not that I’m trying to be passive-agressive, it’s just that sometimes I really don’t care.

59

OTOH, I do believe that the best relationships involve non-verbal communication and understanding of the other’s needs and wants.

For instance during sex. Who the hell wants to give detailed directions? I can read the situation, thank you very much.

I’m just saying, expecting that anyone will know what you feel like eating – that’s a little tough, unless you’re dating Kreskin.

60

Yeah, pretty much. I happen to enjoy just about every ethnic cuisine under the sun, for example. So when I say I don’t care, I really don’t care whether it’s ratatouille or raw bar. I guess some people not caring means “I don’t care, provided that it’s not A,B,C,X,Y, or Z.”

If I had narrower tastes in food, movies, whatever, I would be really uncomfortable dictating the leisure choice all the time. Sure, I could suggest pizza or a romantic comedy (purely hypothetical) for the umpteenth time, and my wonderful SO would probably be ok with that.

But deep down I would suspect that she’d be pretty fucking tired of Settembre’s Pizza and Sleepless in Seattle, so I’d rather give her the choice.

This is pretty pointless if I am going to veto it anyway, but apparently it satisfies some peoples’ consciences.