I have a sister-in-law who was like this. Both members of the couple were alcoholics, both blamed the worse drinking on the other, and eventually both would call my husband to complain about the other. He told each in turn to throw out the booze and not bring any more into the house, and each told him that the other wouldn’t allow that. Then he told them, again separately, that if they refused to even take that step, he didn’t want to hear any complaints about their relationship. It only took a couple phone hangups - for them to stop calling, not to throw away the booze.
They ended up getting divorced, but she still drinks; don’t know what happened to him. It’s sad to see someone going through mild DTs just trying to get through a family member’s funeral while trying to act like a sober person.
My husband and I couldn’t fix her, and she’s family. I don’t think anyone here has any magic words for you. You’re pinning your hopes on others to fix your situation, but I think it sounds like you need to hit your own personal rock bottom if hearing tons of advice and supposedly hating what this guy is doing to your family isn’t enough to motivate you yet. God only knows what you’re going to put your kids through on your way down to there.
I’d rather wish you luck that you’re not pregnant.
I’m really not trying to pile on, but I do hope that you are seeing (or will see, the next time you are sober) that you really need to gain control of your life. It is a mess.
I don’t think you guys are piling on at all, especially given what I’ve told you about me. Alice, thank you for the info about self-evicting, I called my local PD and found out that’s indeed true.
I am sober right now, as I’m at work. Unless you mean sober in the sense of sober for longer than 24 hours.
This. Everything the OP has posted has enraged me on behalf of her children having to live with two alcoholics and all the drama and harm that entails.
You can’t do anything for him, but you can get yourself to AA, that’s a critical step in getting yourself better and possibly what you need to do to start getting him really out of the house. (to start really getting yourself ready for him to be out of the house, 'cause that’s part of it, isn’t it?)
If you truly think it may be as easy as just telling him to get out - well, how could it possibly be any easier than that? For someone always looking for the easy way, that’s it. If you think he will beg to stay, just keep saying “No. Go.” If you think he will threaten suicide, hand him a pack of razor blades.
I don’t know a lot about your situation, but if you rent and your name is on the lease, why not just move out from under him? Quietly pack up your stuff, get a new place even if it is in the same building, give him a written notice and then leave him behind, sitting on the couch. Then the landlord can deal with evicting him. You depict him as a big sloth or tortoise who wouldn’t necessarily react to seeing things slowly disappear. Or maybe rent him a room in a fleabag far from home, trick him into the car by saying you are going on a beer run, and then pull up to the motel and say, “Hey, would you run that 12-pack in to my friend in Room 27?” and then speed off.
I’m not sure why everyone is so down on the guy. He sounds OK to me. Does the couch pull out into a bed? Those mattresses are awfully thin. Maybe get another mattress to put on top of it for a more comfortable sleep. Remember he is spending anywhere from eight to sixteen hours (or more) on that couch every day; how can you live with yourself knowing how his back must ache?
Also, I’d add some variety to his menu. I do love chicken, but it becomes monotonous. Have you considered making up little snack items and having them ready in the fridge for him?
Since the OP wants to be passive-aggressive about the whole thing, I have another suggestion …
[SPOILER]Stop buying him beer. Start buying him bourbon. The end result will be the same, but it may go somewhat quicker.
Oh, and no. I’m not serious. But I am probably going to hell.
[/SPOILER]
want2befree - if you do want to be free, the best advice has already been given upthread - you don’t need luck, you need some backbone (both with yourself and with your ex).
If you won’t do it for you, do it for your kids. What sort of message are you sending, what are they learning from this? And if things go from bad to worse, there may be a reason for CPS to pay you visit - do you REALLY want your kids to go through the CPS system?
Your poor kids - maybe CPS isn’t such a bad thing after all.
Please, go to AA, go to Al-Anon, for the health of your children if not for yourself. I’m childless by choice because I don’t much like kids, but this all makes me sad for them.
Let me tell you from personal experience, living with a “functioning” alcoholic for a parent sucks. It RUINED my relationship with my father, I could not love him. He’s gone now, and I don’t miss him. I miss what he was to me when I was very little, but the man himself? No. Too many unhappy memories there, and he wasn’t a violent drunk either - never laid a hand on me, didn’t yell and scream and call me names, was to outside eyes a wonderful father. Gave me everything I needed to grow up well educated, well cared for, the works. He was still a drunk, still unpleasant to be around at night after dinner, and I shut myself off from that. Once he sobered up, I couldn’t open myself back up to him - we’d grown too far apart.
Do you want to lose your kids? Keep on keepin’ on and you will, one way or another.
Good news, people- I think her kids are like 18 and 16. So the damage has already been done, woo! And from one of the OP’s first threads here, it seems like her daughter, 16?- is letting her reap what she’s sown.
Not sure why the sarcasm. When you put somuch of your life and your problemsout there, especially one after the other after the other right after joining this board, there does come a time when someone somewhere says, “hey, lady, you have some real problems and it seems that you might want to do something about them other than bitch here about it all day every day”.
Og knows I’ve shared my share of my life’s problems with this board, but it has been over a 10 year span, and they’ve been a miniscule portion of the entirety of my posts. The OP, not so much. It’s almost like- a cry for help.
And I misspoke about her daughter- she’s 12, not 16. Not sure if that’s better or worse.
I do not regret sharing my life (I’ve always been an open book to everyone, IRL as well). I know I need to hear what you all are saying.
I have taken part in Celebrate Recovery, but no, I have not committed to it.
I have quit through Rational Recovery, but did not stick with it.
Thanks again for all your responses. I am taking them to heart.
I know that you have posted that you go to church- have you reached out to your pastor (or whatever you call him) for guidance/counseling? It could be an option.
Good idea. I think the first course of action is to stop drinking, at least for the time being. You can’t make any rational decisions while cloudy with alcohol.