Can you not let yourself drink until your ex is out of your house? That would solve one problem at least!
Every lottery ticket he buys is one less drink he can afford. Won’t someone think of the beers??
When I said wish me luck, I was basically referring to my choice to no longer buy him alcohol. Because I am not the type of person who can drink beer in front of him without sharing some, I plan to not buy beer for the household, period. However, I will drink wine. (I know this may sound like I’m a weirdo, but oh well.) I think I may tire of wine soon, so I may actually find myself choosing not to drink at all when I am home. This is why I think my idea of not buying him alcohol is a good one. I also urged him to call the rehab center yesterday, not sure if he did. But I feel by not supplying alcohol, I am giving him the opportunity to see that perhaps he can go without and he can be open to going into the program.
Yes, I have reached out to my pastor, and church friends. I’ve brought my problem into the light. As I mentioned, Celebrate Recovery would be a good place for me to go. When I’m ready. At this point in time, I’m willing to cut back, but not stop completely. I have stopped patronizing my local watering hole as much as I used to, so I consider that a positive step in the right direction.
Oh, I also just completed a four week parenting class at my church. This is in addition to having attended a 12 week parenting class about 3 years ago. Yes, I am far from being a good parent, but I do make efforts.
I do indeed hope that I can soon report that I have stopped abusing alcohol and that my son’s formative years will include a supportive, clear-minded, attentive mother.
Wait, so he’s an alcoholic but if wine is the only alcohol available, he’ll just opt to not drink at all? Or, you can’t drink beer in front of him without sharing, but you can drink wine in front of him without sharing? Neither of those make any sense.
You’re not asking for help. By being an “open book” you’re asking for either sympathy or abuse/judgement by strangers. Probably because you need the former and feel like you deserve the latter.
Nothing good can come of this.
Yes, he will opt not to drink at all.
I told you it might sound weird (or not make sense) but them’s the facts surrounding my situation.
So you’re not planning on taking any useful actions then? You’re content to keep things going exactly as they are, because frankly, what you are proposing is no meaningful change at all. None.
I don’t see how it can hurt. I explain my situation. I hear the “truth” from people. I either change or I don’t. Preferably the former. Whether nothing good can come from this remains to be seen. Stay tuned is all I can say.
And what if this leads to him leaving my home, and going into a residential rehab program? Then what will you say?
I’m trying to take baby steps here. As I’ve said I cannot make the leap, so I’m “hopping.”
Look. We cannot and do not know your situation. I suppose if you think the beer idea is good, you would know…but from a disinterested third-party perspective, your ex is a user, who has found a willing person to latch on.
You mentioned in one of your other threads you want to date again. No one is going to date you (except maybe another user) as long as your ex is on your couch.
Now if this works for you, who are we to say? My greatest worry is moot - your kids are pretty much grown and already have some pretty bad ideas about relationships embedded into their heads. I mean, your son is 12, so he still needs you, but I shudder to think of the kind of example he’s getting from Daddy - it’s perfectly fine to live on Mommy’s couch and use her and never give anything back.
But if you’re content with this state of affairs, who are we to say anything? If you’re not, well, half-measures never did me any good, so I don’t give you half measures. I always went right to the crux of the matter, even when it scared the crap out of me. It might give me nightmares to get there, but I did it and was happier for it.
That is why we are so blunt. We have all been in tough positions and we don’t feel half-measures work with users. My own dad is a user. He would love to move into our house and sit on our couch. I don’t intend to allow it ever to happen.
Okay, I can accept that. Definitely don’t buy any more beer then! One problem at a time. Don’t beat yourself up, just get him out of the house and then focus on the next thing.
I have no confidence that things will play out as you think. An alcoholic will drink anything placed within arm’s reach. You’re still in complete denial.
It hurts because you are delaying taking meaningful action. Every pointless attempt at change you make is just making it easier for you to put off doing anything real about your situation.
In service of what?
Hopping won’t work; that’s what people are trying to tell you.
In some ways the OP reminds me of a former, deceased poster here. I’d list the similarities but I can only think of two at the moment (self-destructive behavior with children involved, pooh-poohing all advice given after asking for help) and you need at least three for a proper list.
Your son is 12. His formative years are over. The choices you make now (drinking or quitting drinking) will likely determine whether he chooses to have an adult relationship with you in the future. But they will not likely influence the person he’s going to become. He already *is *that person. It is way too late to start parenting him right, if you have done it wrong all this time. Better late than never, but don’t fool yourself that you’re going to turn his life around by making an effort now. Even if you quit drinking today, he will have had an alcoholic mother for the majority of his life until he turns 25 years old. That doesn’t mean you should keep drinking, but you should stop lying to yourself.
Unless you are taking Ambien and sleepdrinking in the middle of the night, you don’t “find yourself doing” anything. You either do something or you don’t do it. So you’re choosing to drink wine instead of beer. Which has a higher alcohol content, if less of a social stigma. Who cares? It’s still liquor. And hey, if you won’t buy him beer, what is stopping him from drinking your wine? It’s not like you’re going to magically develop the will to stop him at this point.
Look, lady. Things don’t just happen to you, or me, or anybody else. You caused this crap by making crappy choices, just like any other adult. You will not get better until you start taking responsibility for your **choice **to drink.
Not sure I understand your question, but I’ll try to answer: Obviously, I’m the type that needs things pounded into my head, so I figured this is as good a place as any to receive said pounding.
I apologize for any pooh-poohing, it’s yet another horrible habit of mine. I tried doing it the other day while talking to a pastor, and he didn’t let me get away with it. He said in so many words, stop doing that or there’s no point in us even discussing this.
I assure you my greatest wish is to return here within 30 days to report that action has been taken!
But action doesn’t come about by wishing, now does it?
This isn’t complicated. You know exactly what the right thing to do is to fix your life. But it seems as if you’re not so much interested in helpful advice or encouragement as you are looking for judgement and punishment. I believe you’ll have no trouble finding that here or elsewhere.
I wish you luck but I doubt it will do you any good.
I think his point was that people have been giving you advice and tools to address this situation for some time, from your therapist, to people here, and people in real life. You’ve gotten the information you need and haven’t acted on it. I think the “In service of what?” question is “Why solicit information that you already have if you don’t intend to act on it?”
Do you believe that more talk and advice is what will help you take the action that you already know you need to take?