Women: How have you felt and reacted when a date/mate has made a sexual move you didn't want?

In My Humble Opinion
1

When I say “sexual move”, it spans anything from a kiss to a grope to intercourse.

I am not talking about how you felt if you clearly indicated you didn’t want it and he kept going. I am only talking about cases where someone you were dating/in a relationship with took an initiative sexually and you didn’t want it.
Some examples:

  1. You go on a date with a man and he kisses you on the mouth when you don’t feel like it.

  2. You’re making out with a man and he touches your breasts when you don’t feel like it.

  3. Past the first few dates, he initiates sex by coming up behind you and caressing you without giving up a heads up.

How have you felt when that happened? How did you react?
I asked a woman I used to date about this and she said: “When dates kissed, groped, etc. when I didn’t want them to (it doesn’t happen often) my first thoughts/ feelings are annoyance, irritation, anger, and sometimes disgust”.

Has this been true for you?

2

I’m not sure what other responses you’re going to get here, other than that your friend is right.

I’ll add discomfort, because it means having to have an awkward discussion, and sometimes a twinge of fear. I suppose I felt the fear only once. I was working in a temp job, I was in my mid-20s, I was alone with my boss who had a reputation (not just hitting on girls but also fondling himself), he came up behind me while I was working in my cube and asked me a question about my sex life. (I pulled up my big girl panties and said, “That’s not an appropriate question for the workpace, Steve” in my best dismissive voice, and I suppose he’d been talked to by HR enough that week since I’ve never seen a grown man flee a cubicle so fast.) Although that example is well outside the parameters of the OP.

But, yeah, irritation, annoyance, anger, disgust.

What did you think women thought when fielding an unwanted pass?

3

I imagine that he’s thinking about the double standard of wanting men to be confident and to make the first move, but feeling disgust when they do.

I mean, feeling angry when your date tries to kiss you? You think that’s a normal reaction?

4

But we’re not talking about creepy bosses here, right? We’re talking about a situation that’s already been mutually established as romantic/sexual, and where the guy had reason to think there was a solid possibility that I’d be up for whatever it is he’s initiating. In other words, there’s no reason why he would think he’s out of bounds - his trying it isn’t evidence of any kind of creepiness, he’s just working out by trial and error where the boundaries are, and (going by the OP) is perfectly willing to accept them.

I never had any real emotional reaction at all. If it was, say, a makeout session going further than I was up for, I’d just move the hand or say some variation on ‘I’m not ready for that yet’ or ‘Let’s just stick with kissing for tonight’, and we’d go back to whatever we were doing before.

No irritation or anger or disgust. I only felt those in situations where, after being told that I wasn’t on for something, the guy tried to push or manipulate me into doing it anyway.

For me, all those emotions are for advances that the guy had no reason to expect would be welcome. In the situations you’re describing, that doesn’t apply.

5

No, we’re not talking about creepy bosses. My numer 2 example should have specified “On date number 2 or 3 onward, in a place that affords some privacy, you’re making out with a man and he touches your breasts when you don’t feel like it.”
When you say “push or manipulate”, can you give me examples?

There have been times when a woman told me she didn’t want to have sex and I tried to find out if she had a Clintonian definition.

6

One of the things girls are looking for with guys is guys that can read them emotionally, understand what state they are in, and know what to do with it. The right time to make a move is not soe kind of random chance thing. It’s related to being able to develop a non-verbal connection to someone.

If you can’t establish that, and you are consistently bungling your moves, chance are the two of you just aren’t compatible. It’s not some unfair female hypocrisy- knowing if a guy can figure out the timing is a part of the game.

If I’m just starting to see a guy, the only reason I wouldn’t want to kiss him is that I find him unattractive. When that happens, I feel exactly what a guy would feel if a very unattractive girl tried to make a move- a bit of “Oh man, how do I get out of this” anticipation mixed with a bit of “Ugh, I’m soooooo not doing that.”

If a guy I’ve kissed and am attracted to is just moving things a long to quickly, I don’t really feel anything unless it starts getting scary. I’m perfectly comfortable guiding the hand to a more appropriate body part for the time being. Slowing down in this case is pretty neutral and unless he’s purposefully ignoring my wishes, I’m not going to feel a lot of negative stuff.

I can’t imagine being in a situation where I’m kissing a guy, but I never want him to touch my breasts. Mostly, if I’m not going to go to third base with you eventually, you aren’t going to make it past first.

When I’m in an established relationship make an unwanted move, mostly it’s annoying, but it can cross the line into worse feelings. But I don’t think it’s a particularly sexual thing- a guy persistently doing anything you don’t like is going to be really obnoxious.

I had a boyfriend once that was always grabbing my ass or tackling me around the house. I was constantly being groped…doing homework, in the kitchen cooking, trying to get dressed for work. It was really, really annoying. I’m not some kind of squeeze toy, and sometimes I need to focus on what I’m doing without having to swat hands away. Eventually it made me really uncomfortable since I stopped feeling secure in our house, and it affected the relationship a lot.

7

Quick example of pushing, because the manipulation one would take too long to explain: an annoyed/aggressive ‘Oh, come on, you don’t get to stop now,’ with another grab thrown in.

Of course I do. We’ve been kissing outside a pub for a quarter of an hour; that doesn’t give you some divine right to stick your hand up my top. I had no problem with him giving it a shot, I didn’t find that remotely irritating or anything, but when I said no and he tried to override that, I waved bye-bye and went home. With a certain amount of disgust and annoyance.

8

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to have sex with you.”

  • “Come on baby, let me just put it in you a little bit. Tips don’t count!”
  • “I’m so worked up. Do you expect just to go home like this?”
  • “You’re a frigid little bitch that won’t put out, huh?”
  • “I should have given you some GHB, har har.”
  • “Here, have this ginourmous glass of wine and let’s talk about this again in, say, fifteen minutes”
  • “It’s okay. We don’t have to have sex. Let’s just take our clothes off an snuggle in bed.”
  • “Come on baby, you know you want this. This is what you’ve been asking for all night.”
  • “It doesn’t really matter what you want. Nobody will believe you anyway, so you might as well at least try to enjoy it.”
  • “You don’t need to worry about getting pregnant! I’ve, uhhhhh, yeah that’s it…I’ve had a vasectomy. See, no worries at all!”
9

There’s a lot to be said for context and whether or not the man involved is even trying to read non-verbal cues.

If I’m sitting, leaning as far away from you as possible, my arms crossed, my legs crossed, and avoiding eye contact, an attempt to push - or even offer - physical intimacy is going to get, at best, a “the hell?!” reaction, at worst a “get the fuck away from me before I set you on fire”.

If I’m offering neutral body language, tone of voice, and such, and you put your hands on me, you may get a “mmm, tempting, but no,” a “gimme ten minutes and try again,” or a “NO, THANK YOU.” Firm, clear, but not necessarily negative.

If we’re at the smooching stage, you want to go further, but for some reason I don’t - like even sven, I am not locking lips with a man unless I like the idea of further grappling - my reaction is a regretful “boy, you don’t know how much I want to, but I can’t.”

Now, that’s all on a first attempt. If I’ve made a clear response of no, and a man tries to push past that - and my experience has been always been emotional manipulation or passive-aggressive bullshit on his part - then I feel anger, disgust, disappointment, and a willingness to rend flesh from bone. I’m not quiet about it either.

10

My thoughts exactly. If I find a guy repulsive, they don’t get to the point where we’re kissing. I think I’ve pushed a guy away maybe two or three times in the past, and that was always at the kissing phase. It was usually accompanied with an “I’m sorry, but I’m really not interested” or “I think this is a bad idea” right away. Occasionally if it’s a repulsive guy, it’s a thought of “well, I guess he didn’t figure out that I don’t find him attractive”, but mostly it’s a generalized neutral “do not want” reaction.

As for in-relationship stuff, I may have had a boyfriend in high school who was eager and frisky at all hours, but he quickly learned that me moving his hand away from my naughty bits was the signal for “no” or “not right now, dear”. No digust, no anger, just “that’s not happening right now.”

11

Ok, so we’re sitting on a couch. He’s up one end, I’m jammed as far up the other end as I can go without actually sitting on the arm of the couch. I have my body turned so my feet are on the couch with my knees up like a wall between us. I have my arms folded across my chest. I am leaning my head away from him. I’m being approached by scholars to appear in a body language textbook to illustrate “Not into you”. Suddenly, he says to me “I’m trying to decide if I should kiss you”.

My reaction: Confused irritation, with a pinch of nervousness. From my point of view, I’m sending big fat “Don’t touch me” signals and despite that he’s contemplating kissing me. Is it because he’s utterly, utterly clueless, or does he simply not care that I’m blatantly trying to keep as much distance as possible between us? Do I need to fear that he’s just going to decide he will kiss me and plow ahead regardless of what I want? How could he possibly look at me, hunched up and using my body as a barrier between us and think “That’s a girl who wants kissing”? It’s a horrible situation. I caved to the fear because we were alone and I had no one to help me if he reacted badly, so I smiled at him and said “I don’t think we should kiss tonight. I don’t want to rush and risk messing things up.” He was happy to agree to wait and that made me feel safer. I told him the next day that I didn’t see a future for us and that was, essentially, the end of it.

12

On “If I’m just starting to see a guy”. Do you mean you’re on a first, second or third date? If not, what does “starting to see” refer to? If so, why go on a date with him if you find him too unattractive to kiss you?
How do you communicate your willingness for your date to make a move?

13

I was going to ask this question as well; how would you end up “seeing” a guy in the first place that you found too unattractive to kiss?

14

I was wondering that, too. Though maybe she thought the guy was attractive and then he proved not to be through the course of the date. Sometimes it takes me a really long time to decide if I’m attracted to someone.

15

Freudian Slit, that’s more or less what it means for me; if a guy who is otherwise attractive says too many things that are repulsive, or just has an annoying personality, he no longer becomes attractive. The same can be said for a guy that was cute when I was drunk and agreed to go on a date on a future occasion; when that occasion shows up and he’s not as hot as I thought he was, and with no personality to match, I’m not so sure I want to kiss him after all.

It happens, but infrequently.

16

Indeed. As Jules Winnfield put it, personality goes a long way.

17

Blind date. Online date who had misleading photos. Physically attractive but personality/actions turned him repulsive. Hanging out at a party, talking, and dude thinks because you’ve chatted a bit, you obviously want him.

And like the other women said, it depends. If I’m not showing a goddamned bit of positive feedback, don’t move in for a kiss. If things are friendly and good, a kiss is all right, but don’t count on going for a tit-grope right away unless things are very snuggly.

Plus, the negative emotions listed in the OP are in a continuum. There are levels of annoyed, irritated, etc.

18

Or, established relationship (IIRC 6 months +), sleeping together regularly.

One day he decided it would be really cute to sneak up behind me, reach between my legs and ‘snatch yer snatch, hur hur’.

Not funny, not sexy. Didn’t break up with him then, but it was the first sign that could have saved another 18 months in an increasingly shitty relationship.

He refused to believe that I could be offended or unhappy about such an intimate area being roughly grabbed when we had an enjoyable sex life. It was a joke that could *only *be shared by people who were emotionally very close. Right?

Because he insisted that it was a funny and fun way of communicating, a week later I did the same to him. The bastard kicked me as hard as he could for ‘being crude’.

19

Or the other guy, who decided that since we were also in an established relationship, he no longer needed to *wake *me for sex.

My response (when I woke up from the discomfort of unlubricated intercourse) was disgust.

And, even though it was a different guy, the excuses were exactly the same, that I was wrong for feeling bad since I’d already agreed to sex on a different day and in different circumstances.

Dumped him the first time.

20

:eek: Eww. Did he ever ask you to “play dead” when you two were getting it on?