I stand corrected.
But the XXers don’t seem all that interested in me. 
Maybe it would help if I had some social skills. But I don’t.
Stranger
A lot of it would depend on how old the kids were. I’d feel much more comfortable dating someone with kids under the age of six than someone with pre-teens or teenagers. I think that a little kid would be much more accepting and far less likely to cast me in the role of wicked stepmother. I’m not interested in coming between a dad and his children.
Abbie Carmichael also hit the nail right on the head with this:
This would be a huge factor for me as well.
I did date a solo parent, a woman who was divorced but had a child from that marriage. The ex-husband was completely out of the picture and it was good riddance from what I could tell, although the woman could have used the child support the deadbeat was supposed to be sending.
The fact she was a parent was only a factor because I was so young at the time (21 years old). I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s father figure in any way, shape or form.
The relationship was pretty intense for a time but didn’t last. Her being a parent wasn’t a contributing factor to this.
That sounds disastrous to me.
What kind of parent would marry someone who hates their child? If I were single, any guy I marry would have to love my daughter as if she were his own. That’s a tall order, and it takes a special person to be a good stepparent. Guys like Weirddave are one in a million.
Sure you should.
When someone is dating to find a mate, they don’t need to be wasting time dating people who do not share the same goals, values, etc. It’s okay to not want kids … and if someone doesn’t want kids, then they shouldn’t date someone who has them. Or, alternately, they shouldn’t date/marry someone who REALLY wants kids in the future.
To me, that’s a pretty good reason not to date someone. When someone is in the market for a spouse, they’ve got a pretty good idea of what they’re looking for – and I think the older they are, the more certain they feel about their own criteria. There is no point in dating someone that you KNOW you couldn’t, or wouldn’t, spend the rest of your life with, if marriage (or a serious long term relationship) is what you have in mind.
Why complicate things? People know their own minds. If they absolutely, positively do NOT want kids, why should they even consider being with someone who has them?
If someone is iffy on the idea of having kids (whether their own or step), then sure. If they meet someone they like that has children, they should give it a shot. They may find that doing the parent thing is cool.
But there are some people out there who, for whatever reason, just don’t want them, have known this for years and are never going to change their mind. To suggest they date single parents anyway is just a waste of time for all involved.
Wrong. Many people date because dates can be fun. Yes, almost everyone wants a long term relationship, but long term relationships grow from short term relationships. If, before you ask or accept a date, you try to figure out if a long term relationship will work, you’ll be continually frustrated. You just don’t know the potential date well enough, until you start dating. Going on dates is how you find out if the relationship will last. It is during dating that you find out if a long term relationship is in the cards. If, after a few months your single parent partner starts trying to force you into the role of a step-parent and you don’t want to, then that person is not for you. End of story. Don’t assume no single parent is for you.
Agreed. If I were in the position of a single parent, I would never marry, or even maintain a long term relationship with someone who hates my kids. I’d break up with them. But, how would either of us know she wouldn’t like my kids? It is one thing for her to fall in love with me, and I break up with her because she doesn’t like my kids, and another for me to fall in love with someone who doesn’t like my kids.
Reread what I said. I didn’t say “people are built to like children.” Nor did I say you were selfish, or want or need or is good for children. I said, people are built to like the kids of the their love. Why? I dunno, but I have seen it. I assume it has something to do with the similar mannerisms, physical features, etc. But also, it is natural to love what your love loves. Even cats.
The absolute worst thing that could happen is that the parent and I get emotionally attached and it ends in heartbreak all around because I am absolutely unwilling under any circumstances to be a parent or parent-figure. That seems pretty damn awful to me.
Look, I already know that a relationship between me and a parent wouldn’t work out, so why waste everybody’s time?
And here is the heart of it. Many of us are childless by choice. We do not like children. I do not like children. This isn’t going to change if I fall in love. That is how we know we wouldn’t like her kids. And it seems wrong to fall in love, or worse, allow her to fall in love, and then break up because of the kids. It hurts her, it hurts me and it can’t be pleasant for the kids.
If mrAru wasn’t in the picture, I would date one specific single Dad. He doesnt have actual full custody but gets his daughter more days than not.
I can seriously approve of the way he has gone about the whole business. He refuses to bring anybody home, and makes it clear that his daughter comes first before anything and he is looking for a mother as well as a lover, and he has yet to find any woman who he feels would be the best for both he and his daughter [his ex is a serious whack job. I have been talking with him on the cell phone when they have done exchanges, and if I were a judge listening in, I would rip custody away from her as fast as I could sign the paper work]
He doesnt introduce the women to his daughter because he doesnt want to get her accustomed to the woman and then get upset when the breakup appears.
I think you misunderstood what I was trying to convey. I intended to qualify my statements in the context of looking for, or being open to, a long-term committment. If you’re a single parent that is just looking for a more casual affair and you’re keeping it completely seperate from the child, then that’s a different horse.
But in my (mostly second-hand) experience, many single mothers (I don’t know about fathers) say that they just want some lovin’ and companionship, and then it start working around to meeting the kids. I can’t quote you statistics, only anecdotal evidence and from a limited persepective at that, but it’s common enough to be a stereotype. I don’t want to deal with that, any more than I want to deal with someone who, say, is an alcoholic.
By which time the kid[s] may have become attached to me, and possibly vice versa. Children who grow up with adults regularly coming into and out their lives in an intimate way are going to learn to be detached, to prevent emotional distress. They’ll learn to cope by not expecting anything or anyone to be permenant. This is, of course, an important part of growing up, but it’s not something that a five or eight (or thirteen) year old should have to deal with. Once the kids are old enough that they’ve become substancially independent of the parent, that’s another story. A mother with a sixteen year old who can drive, who spends more time hanging out with friends than at home, who is undertaking her own romantic development, is quite a different story than a thirteen year old who is looking around at the adults around him and trying to grow up by emulating what he sees. If that’s a SigOth who’s moody, who disappears frequently, who can’t or won’t interact with the kids, he’s going to think that’s the way to be. That’s hugely simplifying, of course, and kids vary widely on how well they are able to integrate and select appropriate influences, but it’s not a good example from the person they (should) trust most.
Let me reiterate: I don’t dislike children, in moderation. I would just not be an appropriate figure for them to emulate. I suspect this is true of many (most) of the people who don’t want to date single moms and dads. I don’t want to like your kids, or more properly, I don’t want your kids to be attached to me. I’m a detached, emotionally-undeveloped person who would struggle to engage in a supportive rapport with one adult. I would not be a good influence on children.
I have seen, or actually been a party to, the opposite extreme. It depends on the person, of course, and presumably someone who doesn’t mind dating a single or solo parent is going to be open to caring about and perhaps loving the children. As several Dopers have already posted, they like their step-children, intend to adopt, and may well be better influences than the biological parent[s] are capable of being. But if the person doesn’t want/like the kids in the first place, that’ll almost certainly manifest itself as a resentment toward the children and the attention they require.
Stranger
28 male, and Not a chance. I was friendly with a single mom for some time, but knew it wasnt going to work out. So we just stayed acqaintances.
I’ve seen several of my friends go thru this and it’s totally something that I would like to avoid. One of my buddies got really attached to the kid and was devastated when they broke up. Another nearly got into a fight with the natural father because he slapped the kids hand once. Wasn’t even a hard slap, just the kind you give a little kid when he’s being naughty.
Which brings me to my current buddy in a relationship with a women with kids. He basically has taken over as their father. Their natural father is an alcoholic and rarely works. Now generally that is a good thing that he wants to more of a father figure, but he’s going about it the wrong way. Shutting out the natural father, refusing visitations, etc… Regardless of the fact that he is a drunk, they need to have some kind of relationship with their birth father. One of the kids has behavior problems. They other still wets and shits on himself, at 8.
I can see what you’re getting at here, but there are some things that are non-negotiable before the first date even takes place.
For example, if I were single, date #1 is never gonna happen unless the guy is a (committed) Christian. That is something I won’t compromise on, and I don’t have to go out on one or two dates to find out whether or not he is one. I can simply ask him. If the answer’s no, then that’s it. No need to get to know each other on a few dates, because I’d already know that a long term relationship wouldn’t be possible. I’ve just saved myself and him valuable time and energy, and we’re both free to go find people more compatible.
Everyone has dealbreakers, and even though Person A’s dealbreaker may seem silly to Person B, a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. If kids are a dealbreaker for someone, then that is a subject that can and should be discussed before they ever even go out for coffee.
Dealbreakers aren’t anything personal against the other person, either. It’s just a preference that someone has decided they can’t live with/without.
For what could be called “nitpicky” things, dating is a good process to determine if the two of you would be able to live with each other long-term. But for the Really Important Stuff, I don’t think casual dating is necessary to determine if there’s a match. Some questions need to be asked by both parties, up front.
Another “fun” aunt checking in here. My niece is 17 and I get to do all the fun stuff.
VCNJ~
This was my exact attitude, coming from someone who has always wanted kids. I fell in love and what made me realize I wanted to marry her was actually seeing her with her daughter–how they interacted and enjoyed each other’s company. It was, surprisingly, a complete turn-on for me. Being a fantastic mother, she was raising an incredible little girl and it was the easiest thing in the world to want to be a family with them. The funny part is that I have always been very afraid of and awkward around kids. Having said all that, I consider myself a lottery winner and honestly don’t know if I would have dated another single mother if things hadn’t worked out the first time.
If you don’t even want kids, that’s another story. I wouldn’t recommend getting involved at all with a parent.
I’ve only even considered it once - and that was for an absolute knockout with a heart of gold in her early 40s with a very mature, intelligent and self-sufficient 16-year-old son. Unfortunately, she was a cow-orker of my mother’s and despite being only 8 years younger than the lady in question, I couldn’t shake my image as “the kid.”
Never say “every”! There are six billion people on this planet, I’m sure there are a few people with no deal breakers. Some may even be able to get dates. I can see where something like Cron’s disease might be a deal breaker for most, but in general, if you reject even considering any large group of people, you may never meet your match. (Ok, not counting “people you dislike” as a group.)
One of my points that I apparently haven’t made well is that you don’t know what you want until you find it. Times change, people change. I never “wanted” kids. I never did not want kids. I never thought about it. I just met a woman I fell in love with, and then she wanted kids, so I wanted kids.
Stranger, I’m sorry your upbringing was so screwed up. But don’t rule out a large segment of the population, you might stop yourself from finding love. You say you have no social skills, but I how many do you think this dual math-physics major had? I met an older, marriedwoman, who saw more in me than I knew was there. I had no intentions of marrying anyone, let alone someone in heer “group”. “In love, all things are possible”.
Yes, but there are some people, such as I, who simply do not want kids. It’s not a matter of being indifferent, as you said you were.
I have not wanted children since I was very young, and the older I get, the more reasons I have not to want them.
Since I have been careful to make sure I did not have any, then I should be able to choose to not date someone with children.
On a side note, I would also not date someone who has been divorced because I have never been married or divorced. That is my choice, and if that limits who I will date, so be it.
I would, but then again I’m a single/solo father (however you want to work it – mother is out of the picture except for summer visitation) so I guess it’d be a bit hypocritical of me to scorn some single/solo mother. Also, having hit the early 30’s, I’m aware that the pool of ladies without children grows steadily smaller.
The bummer would be marrying and having to fit two extra people in the house (assuming we’d live here). Works great for two, would work fine for three with us sharing a room but number four is gonna find him or herself sleeping in a bedroom better suited as an office or nursery.
In spite of love, some things still don’t work out. People dating people with “deal-breakers” are most likely going to be hurt and disappointed, so why set yourself up for that? I spent three years dating a guy who was a strong Christian, and I’m not. Neither of us budged on our positions, and we finally went our separate ways. After that, I did not waste my time on people who did not fit my profile for a mate. Who wants to spend all the time and make the emotional investment, only to find out that you don’t have a future together due to irreconcilable differences?
I see an odd dichotomy in this discussion. I certainly understand and respect the folks who say they don’t like being around children, and therefore should not be around children. And I’m glad when people realise that about themselves (I have a sister in law that way) because it’s better for them and for children.
But here we have some folks saying they wouldn’t want to meet the kids until well into the relationship, because it’s not about the kids, it’s about the adults. We have some folks saying they don’t want the single parent to act like they have children - you know, forbid the thought that the parent might place any value on the child’s interests, school, or other things child-related - much less discuss these things which are a vital part of their lives (although of course, others are allowed to discuss work, pets, and hobbies without restriction). And then we have folks saying that the single parent must put the child first.
Ugh.
All I can say, after reading this thread, is that I hope I never wind up a single parent of my 4 kids. It looks like a cruel, confused world out there.
To answer the OP: Would I date a single parent? Yes, I imagine I would. I have kids of my own. In fact, I might be more likely to date a single parent than a single man without children, because he would understand the life I have chosen to live - minivan, short haircut, and all.
No.
Demographics - 30. Never married, no kids, but I do want them someday.
And, of course, I know that at my age it greatly, greatly limits the pool of guys for me - and it was never large to begin with.
But it’s a dealbreaker for me. Part of it has to do with the single fathers I’ve met out there. (“Don’t worry, I never see my kids; their mother’s a psychobitch.” And whatever I’m looking for, it is not someone who would abandon his kids to a crazy person.)
Part of it is that I want to go through the whole having and raising kids with someone who is also doing that for the first time. Part is dealing with the kids’ other parent, and how that would work. Part is dealing with the kids themselves, and how that would work.
I just don’t think it’s a situation that I want to be in.