I can only speak for myself, but I don’t see a lot of people expecting single parents to not put their children first or act like they don’t have kids. That’s why a lot of people say they wouldn’t date single parents - I would fully expect a single dad to act like he has kids, and that’s not a relationship I would be interested in pursuing. He wants to talk about things that interest him, i.e. his kids, and I don’t.
Your point is taken, but most (if not actually all, and in reading “News of the Weird” it does seem that there is a lid for every bizarrely shaped pot) people have some limits, inviolate ideals, and fundamental requirements, the “dealbreakers” to which Abbie Carmichael refers. Heck, part of the dating process is deciding what you want in a date/playmate/life partner/whatever. Your requirements may change with experience and the inevitable alteration of personal beliefs, but for many people there are some things that are exactly a dichotomy. I would not, for instance, date anyone with strong religious beliefs. I’d be walking on eggshells all the time trying not to inadvertantly say something that might offend her. (No offense, Abbie, it just isn’t going to work out between us. I hope you can get over it.:D) Others may decide that they’ll only date someone who is such-and-such tall, or of a certain age, or of their own “race” (though how you figure that out and why it matters is beyond my understanding.)
Actually, I think you’ve made that point quite indubitably, and it’s a very valid point. But some people have made a conscious decision, after giving the matter much thought and consideration, not to have or raise children. It’s not just a matter of fitting into the hole you’re plugged into; for some, it just isn’t a good fit. It may be that career goals are more important, or that they like to travel and be unencombered, or recognize that they just aren’t responsible enough to care for children. Frankly, I’ve seen a lot of parents who shouldn’t have ever had children, and the resentment or inadequacy will color that child’s rearing with a pretty dark pigment.
Ah, I don’t mean to make too much of it. Many of the people I grew up around had it far, far worse in terms of physical and sexual abuse. And I don’t mean to suggest I’m a bad person–far from it, I’d like to think–or that I’ve sold off the idea of dating. I’ve got a lot of good qualities as a Significant Other, methinks. But I’d make a lousy parent. I’d make a lousy step-parent. Hell, I can’t see that I’d even make a very good “Big Brother”. A twice-a-year uncle, perhaps. I know this–I see the same limitations in myself that I see in my father–and even if I had the desire to be around children, I lack the empathy and patience with childish behavior to realistically expect to be a good father-figure (and always have, even when I was a child). Other’s have different reasons for demuring from dating single/solo parents, and are probably right to do so.
I think, perhaps, some of the response you’ve received seems out of proportion to your (entirely valid) opinions, and I’d proffer the explaination that in the more traditional elements of this society, young single folk are expected, pressured, and demanded of, to have children, to a point (especially for twenty-something women) that they feel the only value their family has for them is to pop out some grandkids. The reaction to that continuous pressure is a strong one, but you can see it again and again in advice columns; hardly a week goes by that Judith Martin (Miss Manners) doesn’t have to offer a solution to a singleton trying to respond to the question “When are you going to have kids?” or variations thereof.
I’m not opposed to single or solo parents dating, nor am I opposed to single nonparents dating the former, and all the better if it works out for everyone involved. But I am opposed to me dating single moms for a number of reasons, and I don’t think I should have to justify them. Perhaps, someday, I’ll decide that I’m good enough to be a parent and then may elect to discretely date a single parent. I might decide that I really like her enough to meet her child[ren]. I might like, and get along with, and feel comfortable enough about, the kid[s] to consider marriage. I find the whole string of possibilities unlikely to an extreme, but if the planets align just so and Ms. Cleo says it’s all good, well, I’d consider it. But I’d be doing a great disservice to single mothers now to offer the expectation of anything more than a casual affair. I suspect others feel the same.
Stranger
No, no, I respect this entirely. And I’m not suggesting you should date single parents, or be around children if you don’t like them. Only that, to follow this thread, it almost appears that single parents are in a catch-22, damned if they do, and damned if they don’t.
And again, I am grateful that I do not have to face the challenge of dating as a parent of multiple young children. I suspect there would be few enough men willing to even consider such a situation, and, as a mother…I would have to question the motives of any man who did. Sadly. (I mean - nobody’s brought this up, and yet it’s one of the first things that came to my mind in thinking of hypothetical dating as a single parent: how do you not only find somebody who is a good match for you, but will enjoy being around your children, treat them properly, and not abuse or molest them?)
<Slight tangent>
I homeschool my kids, but I had reason to be in a gradeschool the other day. I had my kids lie along the wall in the office, and color pictures out of the walkway while I dealt with some paperwork, and I kept being surprised by the fact that nobody minded them being there. I’m used to people in general viewing children - not just my children, but all children - as annoyances to be thrust aside, shut up, ignored, warehoused away from public view, and otherwise treated as obstacles in the way of life. I mean…people in the school office stepped over my kids without a word if they sprawled, as kids do, in the way. When my baby wandered around the office, nobody got upset about it. Not a negative word or look, no surprise, no irritation, no demand that I “control” them. Wow! I realised later that of course these folks would be used to kids and enjoy them, or they wouldn’t work in a gradeschool, but it was really a surprise to me. I don’t expect people to like my children even though I think they’re good kids. I don’t expect people to like children at all. That visit to the school was a very pleasant surprise indeed.
</tangent>
Anyway, I think it would be at least as difficult to find a non-parent man willing to date my hypothetical single mother self, as it is in general to find people who view children the way those folks in the school seemed to do: with amusement, tolerance, and respect. Because such folks seem to be in short supply. And that’s okay, people don’t have to explain their preference to me. But I’m still awfully grateful I don’t have to try dating at this point in my life.