I don’t have a landscape, so I’ll take a housekeeper. I can make her water the lemon tree.
Have a completely trustworthy, hardworking, reasonably-priced, fair car mechanic or completely trustworthy, hardworking, reasonably-priced, fair handyman?
Handyman. I have a great car.
A/C in a very hot summer, or central heating in a very cold winter?
Central heating. People lived without A/C for centuries.
Be totally illiterate but likeable, or be a master reader but horribly unlovable.
I’ll go with B. Can’t imagine being illiterate.
Be publicly outed for being a former bank robber or current porn addict?
Porn addict would be a little more defensible in public, and wouldn’t lose me my job.
One gigantic pay raise and then never one for the rest of your career, or regular COLAs?
Giant pay raise to be invested. It will earn interest which would equal any incremental COLA raises. Hopefully.
In the meantime:
Coke Cola or Pepsi Cola?
I don’t drink soda but Pepsi for the lesser of two evil’s~~~Would you rather have a nightmare where you are drowning or sinking in quicksand?
drowning - at least I could see underwater instead of being suffocated in blackness.
Rather be destitute and live in rural poverty or urban poverty?
Urban poverty. As I found out the hard way, there’s lots to do in a big city that doesn’t require cash.
Win a lottery or make the same amount of money doing something creative?
So the choice is to either earn millions for something wonderful I created, or just have that same money handed to me on a silver platter just for being the schlub whose number happened to get picked? Ha ha!
Just to underscore the sheer pointlessness and injustice inherent to existence, I’m gonna say I’d rather have the money I did absolutely nothing to deserve handed over to me.
Rather have a barely adequately prepared Thanksgiving Day dinner at home or an exquisitely prepared feast at a restaurant but with no family or friends present?
Definitely with family. In a good family, Thanksgiving is barely about the food anyway.
Perform an execution knowing it’ll go smoothly with no suffering for the condemned or allow someone else to do it knowing it’ll go terribly awry and result in twenty minutes of agony?
If an execution is ordered in this country, someone has been convicted of something truly heinous. I might be considered a bad person in some folks eyes for saying this, but if someone was convicted of, say, senselessly murdering my kid I wouldn’t particularly mind seeing that soul spend the last 20 minutes of their existence in agony. Given this scenario my only regret with the latter choice would be that I was not the one permitted to throw the switch.
Rather spend an afternoon cross country skiing or downhill skiing?
Cross-country. I’ve only done it once, and had fun. Never been downhill skiing - I’d probably break my leg.
Snorkel or scuba diving?
Scuba. A lot more to see.
You’ve just been offered a high-level position in Trump’s administration in your area of expertise. Yea or nay?
Yes. It may lead to even bigger and better things.
Read a fascinating book once but you can never read it again, or hear a beautiful song once that you will never hear again?
Read a fascinating book once. Easier to remember.
Be a rich and beautiful woman, or an average-looking but equally rich man?
I would read the book once – I have a pretty good memory for books, not so much for music.
Be a contestant on The Apprentice with Donald Trump (and most of his children) or a contestant on Survivor on an island teeming with snakes?
Skipped: Be a rich and beautiful woman, or an average-looking but equally rich man?
I’d rather remain a dude.
Be a contestant on The Apprentice with Donald Trump (and most of his children) or a contestant on *Survivor *on an island teeming with snakes?
You mean there’s a difference?
No, seriously… uh, I guess The Apprentice. More comfortable in NYC, at least, and Ivanka is kind of cute.
Restaurant. Family get togethers tend to be awful.
Chinese or French food?
I like 'em both, but give the edge to Chinese.
Visit Paris or Beijing?