Sheldon is smarter but Stewart would be less likely to provoke me to kill him. So Stewart it is (and maybe I can even raise his self-esteem a bit).
A secret but passionate night with Penny or Bernadette?
Penny.
Be given a payment of $2 million right now, or have your annual salary raised to $500,000 a year?
Salary hike. Over time it’ll pay me more; I’d invest most of it anyway.
Be given a chance to address the U.S. Congress or the U.N. Security Council?
I think I will pick the U.N Security Council, because my speeches are pretty colorful, and it will probably throw the translators into confusion. I once gave a particle physics talk at a conference, and I said something like “…some kind of goofball particle…” and foreign speakers were searching out English speakers to find out about goofball particles. It was hilarious.
You have the biggest backyard on the block—would you rather have a giant water slide or an outdoor movie theater?
outdoor movie theater!
End War or End Hunger?
End hunger.
You’re in charge of the Center for Disease Control. Would you rather have to stop an outbreak of 1 million zombies (who can transform humans into zombies instantly with a single bite,) or 1 quadrillion (1,000,000,000,000,000) army ants who are constantly reproducing at a rate of once a week?
The zombies or ants are scattered evenly across the USA, so you can’t stamp them all out in one blow.
I’ll take on the ants, smaller adversary. Zombies like to gang up.
would you rather take part in a LSD testing or Psilocybin testing?
Psylocybin, because it’s better based on personal experience.
Eat only roadkill the rest of your life, or have everybody else in the world sound like Gilbert Goddfried?
Roadkill is disgusting, and I’m a Gilbert Gottfried fan, so I’ll take Option 2 (although I’m sure it would get very annoying after a few days, if not sooner).
Ban the colorization of B&W movies, or any ripoff “Director’s Cut,” “Authorized Edition” or “Final Super-duper REAL Director’s Cut” editions of your favorite movies?
Colorization isn’t as kitschy as it used to be, so I go with the latter because I already ignore them.
Would you rather watch your parents have sex every day for the rest of your life
or
join in once to stop it?
Sex is a wonderful thing, coitus away! I can always shut my eyes
You & friends have finished a meal at a nice restaurant, your friends are planning to “Dine & Dash”
Would you join them or get stuck paying the entire bill
I’d join them, assuming I could run faster than the slowest member of my group.
Would you rather…
have sex with a goat and nobody know?
or
not have sex with a goat but have everyone think you did?
One person that I love.
Would you rather have a “perfect day” at the beach or a “perfect day” at an amusement park?
(and that is the last of the Survey Monkey questions…)
The beach, because some rides scare me.
Would you rather…
Run at 100 mph
or
fly at 10 mph?
Fly. I’ve wanted to be able to fly since I was a kid. The slow speed doesn’t bother me much; I’ll go up high and watch the world roll past below me.
A superduper smartphone that works 90% of the time, or a no-frills cellphone that always works?
Super-duper smartphone. I can get by without that 10% usually, if you mean just missing 2.4 hours out of a 24-hour day.
Live your life as is right now, or be offered $3 million in cash, tax-free, right now in return for having your life shortened by 5 years (you’ll die 5 years sooner than whenever you would have died otherwise)?
I will take the cash and hope that my lifespan is at least 5 more years.
Download and install a 4 Gb Windows update, or snap a rubber band on your wrist every 1 minute for as long as a 4 Gb Windows update would take?
I guess the rubber band, but ugh.
Get a stand-up lesson from Steve Martin or an acting lesson from Meryl Streep?
Acting lesson from Meryl Streep. It would be fascinating.
You are on your way home from working late (you have worked late every day for two weeks!) and you are tired and hungry and notice that you have comfortably enough gas to get home, but not enough gas to get back to work the next morning. Do you stop for gas on your way home? Or get up 10 minutes early the next day and stop for gas on your way to work?
The first. I don’t put off things like that.
Be the captain or the head chef of a luxury cruise liner?