No, I don’t think it was BOUND to blow up at some point; there are plenty of people who have this sort of relationship with complete success and amicability.
On the other hand, insisting on the relationship being clandestine seems likely to me to increase the odds of it blowing up. (I’m speaking of someone who has had until recently a relationship with someone who was closeted about said relationship to a variety of people important to his life; regardless of whether or not we were legitimately involved, I felt that it was being treated as a cheating relationship. It caused me a serious amount of stress and anguish, and, while I didn’t feel that I could legitimately demand that the other party stop lying about our relationship (he wasn’t, in a technical sense, but – well, technical senses don’t always get through to the emotions), until he did “come clean” about it, it was hellish.)
If one doesn’t work to make agreements about things like sex with a friend, who the hell can one expect to make such an agreement with?
I’m not suggesting that nobody should ever have casual sex. I admit I have done it myself. I just think the idea of commitment without love is rather odd. I suspect another motive, one that perhaps she isn’t ready to admit to. When people are hurt (by losing someone they loved for 8 years, for example), they often will subconsciously do things to make themselves unavailable, because they don’t want to get hurt again. It’s not that I don’t think she should have sex, it’s that I think what she did was emotionally unhealthy for her. By “committing” to this friend when they didn’t share love, she took herself out of circulation, preventing herself from truly falling in love again. I don’t see the upside to that. The only possible benefit would be to be able to have unprotected sex without getting an STD, and she said she wasn’t all that into the sex anyway. I just don’t get how you think that was a good idea.
IN MY OPINION, buddy-fucking arrangements like that are bound to end badly. I like to think that after knocking around this planet for a few decades, that I have learned a little about how people relate to each other.
Excuse me, did you think we were having a DEBATE? I’m just applying a little common sense to the situation. I think you’d be pretty hard-pressed to find ANY psychologist who is of the opinion that having a long-term exclusive sexual relationship with a platonic friend is an emotionally healthy thing to do. I’m sure as hell not going to PROVE it to you. If you disagree, that’s your choice.
That’s such bullshit. My life is by no means ‘perfect’. I’ve made tons of mistakes, and I’ve seen my friends make tons of mistakes. At some point, if you are observant, you start to see a pattern.
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Okay, I feel that by adding ‘unsatisfactory’ to describe her ‘kind of relationship’ you are adding another unnecessary personalized judgment that does not deserve to be there.
WAS her relationship unsatisfactory DURING the relationship? Only she can answer that, not you.
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She already answered that. This would be a satisfactory relationship:
“I’m so in love with this guy. We have fantastic sex. I want us to grow old together.”
This is UNsatifactory:
“Well, I really just want to be friends with him, but he wants to have sex, so what the hell?”
Sorry, it just ain’t a good relationship. I don’t know how to be more clear on that.
Uh, no - we don’t. Stop with the proof thing already.
Oh shit! Your little story is SO off-base. Fuck you for trying to make me look like a homophobe.:mad: You picked the wrong guy to respond to, because I was NOT preaching. If you had read my post carefully you would have known that. In my opinion, homosexuality is NOT immoral.
Here’s my point, which obviously completely whooshed you: What makes a good relationship is LOVE, plain and simple. If two men or two women love each other, more power to them. But if you try to have a sexual relationship without love, you are simply asking for trouble. IN MY OPINION.
One more thing: I think there might be some confusion about my intent. I never meant to imply that I think Mighty Girl is a bad person, because I don’t think that. I just think that the decisions she made were bad for her.
ditto. I think there is some misunderstanding here about the intent of some posters. I’m not condemning the actions done, I’m giving my feedback about it. There is a definite knee-jerk response to this, a “If you are contrary to my stance, then fuck off and die” attitude.
I think there is more than a thin red line between defending one’s actions/beliefs and attacking others who disagree.
I don’t see how that follows. She trusted a friend who then violated that trust by breaking a promise that he made to her while at the same time putting her needlessly at risk-- that, IMO, constitutes “harm.” I just don’t see what was “harmful” about her not telling Friend A that she was having casual sex with Friend X, i.e. I don’t understand why you called her a liar.
Maybe you didn’t take the time to read the entire thread but for your own consumption I will give you a short version:
There was emotional connection. He was my friend. That’s exactly my complain.
We both made a promise. He broke it. Even if there wasn’t ANY emotional connection a promise is a promise in my book. Even if made to a stranger. I am sorry that your High Moral Beliefs doesn’t include the keeping of promises and sees no problem with that.
I didn’t promise my friends or family that I would notify them if I had sex. Therefore by not notifying them I am not lying. If they had asked I would have just told them to mind their own business.
So how exactly did you get the above conclusion based on the scenario I describe above.
Let’s see, I am not a bad person. But I commit inmoral acts. Since actions don’t happen in a vacuum for an inmoral action to happen the person who commit it must be by definition inmoral. So I am not bad, just inmoral.
That’s a fucking LOW fucking blow, asshole, if I don’t say so myself.
Yeah I disagree with her methods of having a relationship, but that, sir, is one fucked way to put it.
Look, she made a bad decision and that’s that, I think she knows in now, maybe, maybe not. Could she have done better? Hell yes, but that, sir, is one fucked up statement/question.
People make bad decisions, they do what their heart thinks is right, they plug along hoping they judged the person correctly.
She didn’t make the right decision with the right guy but you for you to state that makes me fucking ill. I have made more “bad moral decisions” in my life than I care to admit. While I do believe she set her self up for a falling out, I sure as fuck, asshole, don’t believe that you have any right to request her to respond to bullshit like that.
She did what she did, right or wrong, but fucking A what a dick you come across as.
I only came in here to give her my past transgresions (sp), as a 34 year old woman that may or may not have a lot of regrets. But for you to pull that bullshit.
Sir, you SUCK donkey ass while fucking an armadillo with your tiny penis.
This was a civil conversation until you stopped in here, questioning her character. BULLSHIT.
I was actually hoping for a Pit thead that could be resolved with civilized resolve. Your post just set me off the edge.
“IMO, only women of admirable moral character and self-respect deserve a virtuous man.”
I don’t think that Mighty made the best decision in her life. But I don’t completely fault her, except for that whole " I learned something" thing, that she needs own up to.
But there’s not one point I think that she needs to be apologetic to any fucking person in this thread, including me. She went in, possibly eyes closed to the possiblities.
However, there, in this thread, as far as I am concerned, a point to be rude or nasty with her about her decision. We all learn the hard way in some ways. I applaud her for being up-front and honest. Do I agree with her methods? NO, I don’t and I hope she learns from it.
But this is hardly a thread to be a dick/asshole/bitch in. Was I self-righteous, I 'spose I have been but that’s based on past experiences that have been less than satisfying so I suck at that. Most of them have been extremely emotional things that hurt me.
But don’t you sit there and be an ass because of whatever. She vented. Some of us disagreed with her methods, but didn’t come down on her.
This is isn’t a pile on type of thread. This is a “I agree, I am sorry.” or a " I don’t agree and here are my reasons" thread.
She never asked you to agree but she sure as fuck didn’t ask you to be a dick about it. She has every right to be pissed. I just wish some of those of us that have gone through a similar thing in the past had been able to steer her the other way…lilfe happens but don’t give her shit.
I didn’t want to take the liberty of re-posting your original OP, but I did pull the last paragraph:
Now here’s the point I’m making. You’re essentially living a lie, involved in a clandestine sexual whatever you want to call it. You’re doing what ever you need to do to conceal it from family and friends i.e. your “paranoia”, you’re not exactly operating in a “honest” fashion. Is it reasonable for him to trust you, given these circumstances? Frankly I don’t see why you’re hanging your hat on this whole honesty thing, when you don’t seem to have a problem not being honest.
First of all Mighty_Girl, you don’t know what my beliefs are, or what I will or will not do, but I will tell you this; I will not sneak around having sex with someone under oath of secrecy. That’s just plain ludicrous, I don’t have to live like that. YMMV.
Well, do you portray yourself as a honest person to your family and friends? If the answer to that is yes, why can’t you talk to them about this?
There are actions that hurt others, and there are actions that hurt only yourself. If you engage in self-destructive behavior that ultimately hurts you, that doesn’t make you an evil person. Where exactly did I lose you on that? Are you upset because I DON’T think you’re evil?
BTW, I usually try not to comment on spelling, but you wrote “inmoral” 3 times in the same paragraph. It’s spelled: IMmoral.
Even though I have been against her method of this “relationship” as she said from the beginning.
It’s none of the their fucking business. None, what-so-ever.
If I chose to have a clandestine relationship, then it is so but there is no requirements for me to tell even my best friend. That is my honor to honor myself with the relationship I chose to reveal or not. What harm does that you, if you were a member of the family?
This shouldn’t even be part of this conversation you guys. She decided it was a relationship, while a bad choice in my opinion, but a relationship she wanted to have. So why does that predispose (sp) her family to it? Her family had nothing to do with it as far as I can tell.
Hell I have many relationships that are not of my family’s concern. Does this make me dishonest? Honestly? Am I dishonest for not telling them of a fuck buddy situation?
Umm, NO, this is my life. I prefer to go about it in a way that makes sense to me.
If I am required to reveal my tangles at 34, never married, please fucking shoot me. FUCK, that’s such bullshit.
It is not a custom, nor a requirement that I notify my family and friends of whom I sleep with. I am never notified myself what they are up to in this regards. It is the nature of our relationship: don’t ask, don’t tell. NOBODY has ever asked "are you sleeping with Guy in Question? Nor have they asked “are you celibate?”. You don’t want to live that? Good for you, go ahead and get the center page of your local paper to inform your acquaintances of your sexual activities, or lack thereof. Do not insist that I am doing wrong, my informing them is not make their life better, I am not denying them of any certain joy.
And how exactly is that relevant to the subject matter. :eek: Is it a sign of my moral character? Not that you are entitled to the explanation, anyways, English is my second language and I am not about to start spellchecking my posts.
What really gets to me is the Holier Than Thou attitude of certain posters. You think this particular relationship was bound to end? So did I. It was a temporary arrangement, we just didn’t mark an end-date in the calendar. Was it bound to end badly? the chances were the same for any relationship, IMO. Everybody here is operating in this regard ignoring the ONLY available data that we have, that is, that of 4 posters that have confessed to having done this only ONE had this result. Mr. Guy in Question would not have been faithful if we had walked down the isle. What caused this is a flaw in his character, not the lack of a ring. I can accept that you feel uncomfortable being yourself in this type of relationship, not everything is made for everybody, there are certain things I would not do.
If your moral rules dictates that this type of relationship is immoral (as some have expressed) it does not mean that it is inherently flawed (as in “it will end in tears”). Don’t mix one and the other. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing that guarantees that a relationship will be successful in the long run. However, you are trying to impose your moral values in me, questioning my character for having a relationship without commitment. I dare to disagree.
Even if it had been true that there was not commitment (and there was) I don’t think it is immoral if nobody is hurt or a promise is broken. And there was a sentimental (although not romantic) relationship, but this is STILL not enough for the SDMB Moral and Religious Squad. As we have been duly informed sex without “commitment” (church sanctioning?) is immoral. You have decided that a woman (person, whatever) that have sex “without commitment” is a person that either commits “inmmoral” acts, is a “thief”, is of questionable “moral character” and lacks “self respect”. Notice quote marks.
Now I ask you. Who the fuck died and left you in charge of Morals? Cecil?
NO CECIL DIDN’T DIE !! CECIL CAN’T DIE!! NOOOooooooo…
This may be late, (bottom of page 4), but how are you sure he DID sleep with Girl X? You say he has denied it. Did SHE tell you? Or is it a third party, ignorant of your former relationship? I’m just curious is that rant was justified.
A common acquaintance, obviously ignorant of the situation, jokingly informed me of certain previously unacquainted ladies of questionable repute who spent the whole night in his hotel room in a certain recent trip. I refuse to believe they were singing old sailors songs.