Allright, people, let’s be fair. We don’t know the details of what happened here. For all we know, they agreed to a very specific framework for their “relationship” and he didn’t live up to his end of the bargain, and that’s why Mighty_Girl’s pissed at him. It’s easy for us to stand back and say “Well, you should have known it would never work” but I don’t think any of us can say we haven’t put ourselves into situations that we ended up regretting. Cut the woman some slack.
How can I trust a friend that has potentially put me at risk of DEATH?! That’s my point… I am sorry you are reading beyond my words.
But ** Mighty_Girl **, the vehemence does make it appear that you felt more for this person than just a fuck buddy… (or what ever the current term is for a living sex toy)
“Fuck buddy” implies IMO that the only social interaction engaged in is sex. This sounds more like “Friends with benefits.”
DLurker please read the OP again. I said he was my friend, and he did something that friends don’t do. Of course I care for him, I hope you care for your friends and I am sure you expect the same from them.
How would you feel if a friend puts you at risk, knowingly, willingly?
Mighty_Girl wrote:
Mighty, it sounds like you knew he wasn’t ok with the relationship as it was. Hey, I wasn’t there, and I can’t say, but these are your words right up there. Sounds like he treated you badly, but you might take it under advisement that perhaps he felt that he was being treated badly, too.
Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t give him a reason to be with someone else (and lie about it). It does certainly qualify as an excuse. Sometimes, that’s all we, as people, really need to do dumb stuff.
Get tested. Dropping him is most likely adviseable. But there is more than one lesson to be learned here, methinks.
** Mighty_Girl ** I understand the aspect of putting you at risk and I agree that is something that not even a casual friend should do. Like you appear to be, I would be very upset that a trust had been violated.
It was something (highly subjective on my part I’m sure) in your words that sounded to me like you may have wanted more from the relationship…
If he was your friend, he should never have placed you at risk. The wishing him dead may have just been a momentary feeling of betrayal?
The monogamous expectation part is somewhat unusual for grown people who have fuck buddies. Casual fuck buddyism is by it’s nature somewhat incompatible with expectations of monogamy in most cases. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but your “casual but monogamous” rules for the relationship seem to be kind of a silly and/or naive expectation for the nature of a casual relationship like the one you described. Your reaction to his stepping outside the boundaries of this “casual” relationship is also a bit exercised for someone you just wanted a friendly roll in the hay with now and again.
For god’s sake! It is not like you’ve never shouted a “drop dead” back at someone you love? Of course I am pissed off but for heaven’s sake I don’t want him dead. The very thought of “being tested” makes me mad. I’ve never had casual sex and the exact reason why were were BOTH doing this is because I am paranoid about catching some disease.
DLurker infers from my post that I wanted more and d_redguy infers that he wanted more. Strange that you read entirely different things from the same post. The reason I was paranoid about not letting other people know about our SEXUAL relationship is because I had just being through a break up before I met him, it hurt inmensely and people made it a lot worse. I wanted that when we two broke up neither would feel exceedingly guilty or harrassed about it. Hence my approach.
Mighty Girl, of course he was an ass to lie to you and to put you at risk. There’s no excuse for it!
But what I don’t understand is why you expected him to keep his promise. Just because he said that he would? You know that a lot of other people do tell lies for their own purposes. Not everyone places importance on integrity. How did you misjudge him so much?
Excuse me astro but that is what we BOTH wanted. **He]/b] suggested and I was glad to agree. I take offense at your “fuck buddie” because it place ME exactly in the same category. Maybe if you stop putting words in my mouth you will have enough brainpower left to understand my words.
loinburger wins the prize here.
Let’s separate the two issues:
(1) They are friends and he lied to her and betrayed her trust - hence the feeling of emotional betrayal. If you had a friend (the OP positions this person as considered to be a ‘real’ friend-benefits aside) and this friend LIED to you outright, to your face, regarding something that this friend should know is important to you (whether it is sexual or not), wouldn’t you, too, feel betrayed? That’s where the emotional part comes in.
(2) They also participated in (mutually-agreed) monogamous side ‘benefits.’ He broke his word of monogamy (putting her health-wise at risk - and this would make me feel pretty pissed off too.
I cannot imagine why anyone feels the need to assume she’s feeling more than this from the situation outlined in the OP. She’s mad because (1) her ‘friend’ lied to her and (2) her ‘friend’ put her health - possibly her life - at risk.
The other responses in this thread (IMO) are pretty presumptuous, saying that ‘of course he would go elsewhere because it sounds like you’re ashamed of your relationship with him’ because there WAS no boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to begin with.
It happens… and if it happens CORRECTLY it’s a pretty ideal situation (again IMO). Although it’s true that usually one or the other of the partners ‘screws it up’ (pun not intended) through either dishonesty or getting emotionally (romantically) entangled.
** Mighty_Girl ** for my posts, please understand that I am speaking from my own POV. Since I know little about you, I have to place the words and actions into the context of myself and the people I do know.
Again, my reading is very subjective. Suffice to say, I do understand you being mad at this person and am not about to say you don’t have that right.
Rage on. (Bad time to ask for some cooking tips?)
Call me naive… but I think in today’s world it’s MUCH healthier to have a monogamous ‘friend with benefits’ situation than the casual ‘fuck buddy’ scenario you described above… :rolleyes:
Maybe the word relationship is screwing up the discussion. It was a friendship. To me anyway, the word relationship carries a heavier meaning…
I don’t think it was at all unreasonable for Mighty_Girl to expect her friend to keep to the explictly agreed-on conditions of the relationship. Just because it wasn’t a serious “boyfriend-girlfriend” type of relationship does not in any way mean that she should have expected him to not be truthful with her. She has every reason to be pissed off and hurt right now, since she had unprotected sex with him, thinking that he had not had sex with anyone else. There doesn’t have to be more to the story.
M’kay let me start up the old chainsaw engine that powers my thinking cap. Umph…sput…sput…no… let’s try again…Umph Brrraaaaapppppp… great there we go!
OK let’s see, you weren’t a dirty, nasty “fuck buddy” you were someone who expected a secret relationship “halfway between casual sex and a friendship” with “no responsibilities whatsoever”, that occasionally involved sex, but… wait, in the context of this causal, “no responsibilities” arrangement you arranged for both of you to commit to an exclusively monogamous arrangement.
Yeah… you’re right! I see the light now! You’re not a “fuck buddy”, and you’re not an amazingly credulous simpleton, you’re simply an agitated woman done wrong who expected to manufacture a “casual yet monogamous” relationship without emotional commitment or attachment. Yeah that’s what you are. That’s the ticket! …and all the time you were talking what a great idea this was I’ll bet his head was just bobbing up and down like a piston in agreement.
At some point we have to comes to terms with the limits of our arrogance, and that you have it in your head to think you are going to get out your relationship tinkertoy set and construct some version of a contractually bound, sexually monogamous relationship without true emotional commitment is ambitious to say the least. You were a fool who fooled herself.
For God’s sake, astro, why is it so hard for you to wrap your brain around the concept of the two of them agreeing not to fuck other people? It doesn’t have to mean an emotional commitment, just that neither one of them is going to fuck anyone else.
A stern FUCK YOU for you Astro. You seem to be inclined to put words in people’s minds and mouths. Excuse the fuck of me for expecting people to live up to their promises.
Where and how did you infer that I ARRANGED for any fucking thing. If the OP wasn’t clear enough (I accept I might not have been because I just had spoken to said person) I made it abundantly clear later that HE didn’t want a relationshing that went further than we had. Is that too fucking deep for you to get into your fucking tiny brain?
Is too fucking confusing for you the concept that you don’t put friend’s lives at risk. That you don’t tell your friends that you haven’t drunk and then drive them home thouroughly smashed potentially having an accident on the road. Where’s respect and frienship there? Do I have to fucking spell it out for you you fucking idiot?
He was my friend. I said it in the OP and I must have said it at least five more times before your last post. I don’t know what the fuck you think of friendship but I believe you don’t lie to your friends about things that are important to them and you don’t put your friend’s life at risk.
If that is too fucking much to ask for you as a friend I am glad I am not a friend of yours.
Did I tell you to go fuck yourself?
(Heathen thanks the various fates that his youth pre-dated HIV et al).
OK, Mighty_Girl justifiably feels emotional betrayal.
Another round of “all men are scum” is definately called for.
BUT -
I’ve gotta wonder - how often do the sexually active, promiscous types actually get tested?
Did the slimebag actually put anyone at risk? If you aren’t sure of your status at the beginning of a relationship, how do you know?
Do folks actually get together and stay celibate for 6 mos, then swap test results?
If not, just what is it on which you are placing your trust? (Sorry, but that is grammatically correct).