Happyheathen.
Yes to the last questions. I had a surgery right before I met him. I haven’t had sex or any physical contact that could potentially be risky LONG before we had sex.
Yes, he had a test.
I am sorry if apparently some posters thint it is more acceptable to just screw random people rather than have a monogamous relationship between consenting adults. Call me a fool for that.
For heaven’s sake. I must have written the word sex and fuck more times now than the rest of my life before. It takes astro to make me swear like a sailor (not to be confused with THE sailor.
I hope my mom never reads this.
OK I’ll keep this short and to the point so you can grok it.
It is a foolish, bordering on obtuse, teetering on insanely stupid expectation for a grown man or woman to to think that they can count on someone’s sexual loyalty across time in a casual, non-binding non-emotionally committed relationship. You can jump up and down all day long about the “deal” you had, but in the end it was a stupid deal to attempt in the first place and you got burned.
** Mighty_Girl ** You have a sense of humor? I have to know before saying anymore…
There is no such thing as a fool-proof relationship, especially one concocted to have all the hassle of monogamy without any of the tenderness that has made it work over the years.
If you learn anything, learn to not attempt this again. Sometimes it works, but not as a forced situation. Relationships of any kind are not “deals” you work out. “Friends with benefits” is not an unknown occurance, but it doesn’t happen by people simply saying, “Look, I don’t care about this relationship, I just want sex and friendship now and again.”
I dare to disagree with you Astro. I DID respect my side of the deal. I had many opportunities to do otherwise and CHOSE not to because, hold there, I PROMISED not to.
What would you suggest? Maybe that I should have fallen in love with him, you know, to lend respectability to my case in your eyes? Guess what buddy… he isn’t in love with me. I know this is too much for you to grasp, but trust me here, some people have enough honesty to respect their friends. I have many friends that have never betrayed my trust. I hope you have been blessed with at least one too.
I’m envious of Heathen’s pre-HIV youth also!!
I can’t quite ignore the slant, here, equating ‘sexually active’ with ‘promiscuous.’ Sex-Ed 101 (in the post-HIV youth) includes a chart: Virgin Female A has sex with Non-Virgin Male B. Male B previously had sex with Female C. Female C prior to that had sex with Male D and Male F, who in turn… so essentially although Female A can by NO MEANS be considered promiscouous (I knew I’d misspell this at LEAST once), she is tangentally sleeping with Female C, Male D, Male F, and whomever else those people had sex with.
To answer the question posed (now that I’ve gotten that out of my system) that’s a wholly subjective question. Anybody who donates blood is tested, so it’s a free - no reason NOT to do it.
Again, the slant (‘slimebag’) but not my OP to defend (thankfully!). My take on the situation is that she was placing her trust in his trustworthiness – i.e. not to lie and not to put her at risk. Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY, truly knows their status at any given moment. Many STDs (:eek: yes, I actually said STD) can be present but inert without the host/hostess ever being aware of having them. Unless you, yourself, are certain that both you and your partner have been monogamous ALL OF YOUR LIFE, then even you don’t know ‘for sure’ what your status is at this very moment…
astro is entitled to his/her opinion. astro can think about this however astro wants to think about this. astro can think that an agreement between two friends doesn’t matter if that agreement is about a certain subject. I think astro is missing the boat on this completely.
Two friends make an agreement. Either one could break it with zero penalty as long as it is communicated to the other friend. One friend breaks it, but does NOT tell the other, thereby putting said friend at risk. That is a shitty thing to do.
**Um, that is EXACTLY how it happens.
OK, my husband beat me to it, but yes, this is exactly how it happens. I’ve done it myself in the past. “Friends with benefits” can ONLY happen if both parties agree at the outset that that is the arrangement.
Hmmm, Astro, I think that’s the point she’s making (correct me if I’m wrong MG): There WAS an emotionally-committed FRIENDSHIP (as opposed to the emotionally-committed romance, entirely different animal).
[sub]Wanders off to look up the word ‘grok’[/sub]
I am sorry Mighty not to diminish your expectations and your anger one bit. However, I fully agree with Astro.
Very few people can enter into such a casual relationship and expect everyone to be with one partner. It is, in most cases, the desire of people to be within a deeply emotional tangle when monogamous with someone.
Do I think that everyone in a casual relationship can’t be monogamous? No, that’s not the case. I do however think that entering into such an agreement, you have a lot of minuses right there, you’ve entered into very difficult grounds that most (sorry guys) men can’t deal. Men have the need to be emotionally attached when inolved in such things more than people give them credit for. But those expectations, whether he brought them up or not is going to slide at some point.
Am I suggesting you were stupid? No, I am just suggesting that you agreed to something that is very difficult for many people (women included) to keep.
Maybe the solution is to not ever enter into something like that again and focus on other things. Heck, get a battery operated toy to give you the satisfaction you need from having an orgasm. But don’t expect the other party to follow through unless you enter into some emotional agreement that involves more than being just a friend.
Heck, it’s worked for me. I have been without sex with a human for well over two years and I have not been harmed by that decision.
BTW, sex with “friends” generally isn’t a place to go. Friendship and sex rarely go together unless your “friend” is also the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Been there and have done that. Lost a best male friend because of it. I haven’t heard from him in many years.
I’m still friends with my last friend with benefits. But generalities are just that, general.
Yes CasperQ, that is exactly why it hurts. He was my friend, he lied to me. I am not ranting because he had sex with someone else. I would have been ok with him telling me in advance and I would have wished him the better. He chose to not tell me hence breaking my trust and most possibly ending our friendship.
Of course you might say, not big deal. But it is a big deal for me and he knew, and accepted it and agreeed to it. Nobody forced him, that is what I wanted to explain by insisting that I wasn’t emotionally (romantically) attached to him. He brought up the subject (no love, no commitment) in our first date. He mentioned it BEFORE we even kissed. More than that and he would have put it in blinking letters in a large billboard in front of my house. If I had fallen in love with him (something people had less control over than deciding to have sex) I would have broken my part of the deal too.
And yes, I will say it for the umptienth time, he was my friend. He knows I am terrified at the idea of catching HIV. He knows that I am a serial monogamous and that I was “clean”. He knew it and should have known better not to betray me. And now I will not know for the next six months the end results of his “little adventure”.
Mighty_Girl -
You got burned. Sorry.
I will take your representation of the relationship at face value, and I will not speculate on the wisdom/advisability of such a relationship. However: now that you have figured out “having sex”, may I suggest you hereinafter hold out for “making love” - it’s much, much better. First, love; then sex - you’ll like it.
Good luck!
happyheathen why do you think I don’t know about “making love”? I was in a 8-year committed (live-in boyfriend) relationship before I met This Guy. I was in love. Madly, blissfully, deeply, thoroughly and absolutely in love. Destiny decided it wasn’t to be, it broke my heart.
It would have been very unwise to be dishonest to The Guy and pretend I could potentially fall in love with him. It was almost impossible at that moment. I was glad when he said he didn’t want romance. It suited me well. I wasn’t having sex with a stranger, it was a tender friendship. There was (at least I thought) friendship, confidence, love (friend-love), everything but plans for children, marriage and a house with a white picket fence. Could I have fallen in love with him… who knows? I just haven’t, gladly.
Mighty Girl said:
Might Girl also said:
And another:
Those statements can’t all be true. You are right that you don’t put friends’ lives at risk. You are also right that he has potentially put your life at risk.
Therefore, he was not your friend, Mighty Girl. He was a brute and your choice to place expectations on him turned out to be a bad one. Accept some responsibility for what has happened or you will have no reason not to repeat the mistake.
I’m sorry that you have been hurt and endangered by this jerk.
MIGHTY_GIRL,
I am sorry he broke your trust, I had a deal exactly like yours with an old friend, we both worked too much and did not have time for a “relationship” so we became “friends with benefits” and it lasted a little more than a year, at the beginning we sat down and discussed things and monogamy was priority number one!, I went offshore and she met a guy and they are now married and she is pregnant but she was up front about him with me, I was not worried about emotions, I was protecting my LIFE, I know how you feel, having your trust violated is SHITTY!! (in todays world cheating is almost unforgivable in my mind).
unclviny
Would that make astro a fuck-seity or a self-with-benefits?
Hindsight is 20/20, huh? Now I know it, I was his friend but he just pretended to be my friend. I stand by my words in the OP that he is just a sad excuse for a man, and I am disgusted at him and disappointed that I though he was worth my friendship.
There is a lesson to be learnt here, and it is not that all men are scumbags rather than HE is a scumbag.
Mighty_Girl, I know I’m running the risk of further pissing you off, but I have to say that I find the arrangement you were trying to have with your friend to be really bizarre. It sounds like it was just a really bad idea to start with. You can’t have a relationship that is both monagamous AND casual. That’s not how people are; it was doomed to failure before it even started. I’m NOT excusing the guy for lying to you, but you shouldn’t have had any expectation that such an arrangement would work with ANYONE. I’m sorry but it’s just too strange - that’s why people in this thread are reacting the way they are. You have to be in love to have a monagamous relationship, if you expect it to work. And even then, there’s no guarantee.