You sir are DISGUSTING!

The BBQ Pit
61

You know, I started thinking more into what I had said earlier and I think what I said makes complete sense. Sorry if people disagree with me, but this is what I have thought about over the years since my fiance cheated on me.

Men really do need a committment in order for things to mesh into a monogamous relationship. While my situation with my fiance was totally flawed this was before he asked me to marry him that his infidelities happened, I truly believe that it’s far easier for a women to remain monogamous than it is for (a good majority) men.

Men, don’t take that as I am picking on you, that is not the case. But I do believe that for most women, this is a much easier task than it is for most men. We tend to think more with our emotions than men who think more with their sexual needs. Again, this doesn’t apply to all men, just a good chunk of them.

Many, upon many, upon many men can take it to monogamous relationships (foregoing the cheaters) in a committed relationship. I think you set yourself up for disappointment if you don’t have those emotional ties, both men and women.

He may or may not care what he did to hurt you. But when it comes down to it, I think that a man needs the confines of an all out emotional committment in order for it to go that far. Despite the so-called fact that men think about sex (according to some non-cited material) more often than women. I honestly believe that a man will remain more faithful to such matters if he has guarantees that his woman will always be there for him, no matter what.

Okay, there are a lot of women in the same realm, I am not picking on the guys here intentionally. But I honestly do believe it easy for most women to commit than it is for a man with a relationship that has no strong ties.

I also believe that us women (been there too) put too much credence to what we percieve to be a good relationship. We tend to forget that the human male has needs, sometimes beyond what we can give. We women put too much into emotions and not enough into those things physical. Double edged sword here, yep.

Anyhow, I can’t help but think about some of the values that are in my family, Christian wise, and why that makes sense. While I am not a Christian, I often see more relationships thrive based on many of those values taught. Again, I am not a Christian. But seeing certain things happen in my family, I can only think “Well, they got something I can learn from here. Maybe casual sex isn’t where I want to be and want to do. If and when I find the right man, I wont compromise my body and myself for instant gratification. I will use the easy means to do so until I find him. I will not compromise my body, regardless if I am lustful or not for something that means little. Making love is what I want and clearly relationships that don’t lead to a life long committment aren’t what I need at this time.”

Keep in mind I have been through it all, except marriage. Boyfriends, fuck-buddies, friends I have sex with, etc…none of it fullfilling to any degree. I am 34 and wish I could meet the man that can handle me and meet the man that I can handle. But until that time, my vagina is off limits except for my battery operated orgasm. Some of those can be quite satisfying if not depressing. But I have my standards after many years of depressing and disappointing relationships. I don’t want to repeat them so I hope I stick with my guns and keep that attitude. I have never been so freed of the need for sex from other people. I actually feel good about myself, because I take care of my needs without compromising who I am and what I am about and, of course, my health.

< sigh >

62

techchick68, sorry that you’ve had such bad luck in love. I have not, and even this latest development will not change my mind about love and relationships. I will fall in love again, fortunately not with this man who for starters didn’t want that.

I think you are reading a tad bit too much into my words. You cannot know from what I said the frequency or nature of our sexual relationship, nor can you imply which one of us was getting the short stick. The fact that he had sex with someone else had nothing to do with lack of sex.

I had 8 years of blissful love with a man that I trusted, always did and would have always done. I don’t generalize, mostly because it is not my experience that men are natural-born cheaters. Sorry to disagree.

Furthermore, you seem to be ignoring the fact that I have repeatedly insisted that I have never had casual sex. This is the shortest relationship I’ve ever had (over 1 1/2 years). I am sorry if you think we should have fallen in love to make it acceptable in your eyes. I don’t see how that could have made it any better given the fact that one of us would remail “not in love” and that would have cause innecessary grieves to both of us.

This is not so much about sex as you believe. It is about trust and protecting the life of someone you care for. If he had done something ELSE to put my in harms’ way I’d be ranting here anyways, because that is not something that friends do to friends. I am totally positive that he would have thought of me in no different terms had I slept with someone else while I was still sleeping with him.

63

Public Service Hijack

Although it is a good idea to get yourself tested, just on general principles, donating blood is not the way to do it. When you go to donate blood they specifically tell you that you are not allowed to donate if you have done anything that significantly increases your risk of carryng blood borne diseases. The reason for this is that no test is 100% and sometimes tainted blood can slip through. The Red Cross will specifically tell you not to donate as a way of testing your blood. Free clinics, however, are only a google search away.

Mighty-Girl’s situation doesn’t sound so bad, and from what I can tell it wouldn’t actually disqualify her from giving blood. I’m just posting this so people are aware of the risks to others associated with using the RC or other donation agencies as free clinics.

64

Mighty - I saw what I saw. I didn’t attempt to diminsh what he has done. It was a Bad Thing. I was merely suggesting that if you look inward, and do an honest inventory of the past, you might reveal something to yourself about how this guy really felt about your relationship.

I know that you have already learned a harsh lesson here, and it hurts like hell. I am not trying to pile on you. Just making an observation and passing it along.

:Insert non-threatening, sympathetic, peace-mongering smilie here:

65

Sometimes cutting and pasting doesn’t do justice to the OP regardless of what is to be written.

Someone else put it quite well, He’s not a friend if he voilates the original terms of the agreement. With that said, where does that lead you as a woman? Bitter and angry, you are obviously angry and rightfully so.

But what does that say about this relationship and where you might carry on another in the future? Might you look to future relationships that have more “beef” than this was? I mean if you continue on this path of uncommitted relationships and you will truly be satisfied?

It’s an honest question for you. “Will you be satisfied with a similar relationship in the future knowing that it might be better to seek out your true love rather than what you didn’t get from this particular relationship?”

It’s an easy question to ask but not really an easy question to answer.

Fullfilling vs getting it on.

No I don’t know your entire relationship but look at it, disect it and tell me that it was satisfying, it was all encompassing (sp) enough for you.

Heck, I am happy I learned my lessons, although the hard way. It has given me focus and a means by which to live my life. Hard knocks or not, it was needed for me to learn where I wanted to live my future.

Crap, almost time for maintanence…BBL I think.

66

Are you fucking hot? You must be for a guy to let himself get sucked into this trap.

67

I don’t “seek out” true love. I think it is rather found. I am open to it but it hasn’t happened. I am in no way desperate to find it, “what will be will be”.

I insist you are focusing too much on the sex aspect of this. I just think that he is a generally dishonest person. I just happened to catch him in this lie. I had another friend that betrayed me (different circumstances) before, this is just the same.

68

It isn’t a trap if the guy has the key to get out at a moment’s notice. I’ve made that phone call before, not out of a MONOGAMOUS FWB situation, but with one we agreed to drop if either one got into any relationship (duh). She was fine with it. Happy for me. It would have been the same reaction if we DID have a monogamous agreement, we just never set that condition.

69

The key to a FWB situation working is both parties have to be mature enough to be completely honest with each other. Clearly, Mighty_Girl’s “friend” was not, because he thought he could have both girls at once.

Too many folks still seem to be thinking that she’s upset because of the lack of commitment. Perhaps the words “monogamous” and “relationship” are what is causing so many people such difficulty in comprehending the situation. Replace those words with “exclusive” and “arrangement,” does that help at all? I’ve had more than one FWB arrangement, and though I’ve never had an exclusive one, it doesn’t sound to me like at all an unreasonable request, given what’s floating around out there these days.

She didn’t ask for an emotional commitment, didn’t ask him to do the impossible, she simply asked that he not stick his dick into anyone else during the time he was sticking it into her. He wasn’t locked into anything, simply had to say the word if he wanted something else, and he was free. Unfortunately, this guy wasn’t able to abide by that simple agreement. And that makes him an asshole. The only mistake Mighty_Girl made was trusting someone who turned out to be a liar.

70

I’m amazed at the vitriol tossed in Mighty_Girl’s direction.

From where I sit, she has every right to ask for whatever conditions she pleases (and, and has been pointed out above, it wasn’t she that originally imposed these conditions on the relationship anyway). If those conditions were too onerous for either party, each was free to wave goodbye and be on his or her way.

I emphatically reject the idea that we should lessen the blame on CheaterGuy because “it was a weird relationsip” or “adult relationships aren’t like that.” Garbage. Adult relationships are whatever two adults decide to enter into, but the defining characteristics of any such relationship are trust and accountability. She is absolutely entitled to expect both, and absolutely required to give both.

The mere fact that CheaterGuy cheated doesn’t mean that the above analysis is flawed. It means that CheaterGuy was unequipped to participate in an adult relationship.

Cheating is not a function of age; it’s not a function of XY vs. XX chromosones; it’s not a function of religion or lack thereof. It’s a function of dishonesty. A person willing to cheat is simply fundamentally dishonest.

I’m sorry to hear that this happened, Mighty_Girl. Hang in there.

  • Rick
71

“monogamous” and “FWB” are not inherently contradictory terms, so I fail to see why so many people are coming down on Mighty_Girl. Sorry this happened to you.

72

I’d also like to point out that a test before blood donation would probably only screen for blood-borne STDs, stuff like HIV and hepatitis. This still leaves room for a lot of other STDs, which though not necessarily fatal, may at least be terribly painful, or could cause problems with your reproductive system if left untreated, or might even be currently incurable (herpes).

I sympathize with Mighty_Girl, personally. If she thought the guy was a close friend, I can’t see how it’s out of the realm of possibility for him to just be able to say to her “Hey, I’m interested in this other chick” - perhaps she might even have been amenable to using protection with him if his other relationship was non-exclusive. But instead he kept having unprotected sex with her and lied about it. That’s not a friend.

73

I have sympathy for you Mighty_Girl, however this “relationship” was bound to end badly for someone. I can guarantee that at least one of you would have felt betrayed if and when the “relationship” ended, especially the one that didn’t have someone when the exit papers were served. I say this, because the only thing that would have ended this “relationship” is the introduction of another party into it. This is exactly what happened.

Once you’re done with the ranting aspect of all of this Mighty_Girl, you may want to look a real hard look at all of this. It seems immature to me to not want people to know your’re in a relationship so you don’t have to explain later that it didn’t work out. Relationships end all of the time for all types of reasons, and people ask you about it because most times they’re just trying to be a friend and lend support.

This last part you can take this the wrong way, the right way, or not at all. Don’t expect a man to not sleep with someone else, especially if you’re not in a serious relationship. Expect it to end, and expect it to end badly if you’re operating under the ground rules that were laid out. I think it’s good that you trust your instincts, but part of why your instincts were telling you something may be that there is more there emotionally than you care to admit or even concious of.

74

Two MATURE people certainly can be happy when a situation like this ends, IF it had ended on the terms they had agreed to. Sure, Mighty_Girl loses the use of his penis. So sad. It was just fucking every so often. That CAN be separated from Love, or the desire for Love. Or the desire for committment. It takes maturity to do so, a maturity this guy was lacking.

75

Mighty_Girl,

Relationships, no matter how classified, require an emotional involment of some kind. The fact that you had a mutual “arrangement,” one where romantic involvement was a taboo of sorts, doesn’t change the fact that when there’s protrated intimacy, odds are roughly 50/50 that one of parties involved will end up getting hurt.

I understand that that is precisely what you were trying to avoid by choosing this “detached” form of relationship, but the fact remains, there’s nothing new under the sun. And NO ONE has come up with a foolproof method for “painless dating” – it simply goes with the territory.

Mind you, I am not criticizing the nature of your relationship – at my age, I think I’ve tried them all, including that one – but simply telling you that things of this nature are unavoidable. Yes, the guy did betray your trust, yes it was clearly wrong, but if at any point you thought that by inserting the “no love” clause in there you’d become immune to the hurt…well, now you know better.

Does that mean that there isn’t a guy out there noble and trustworthy enough to make something like this work out? Well, sure. But the odds are about the same as finding the guy you can “build the white pickett fence and have children with.”

A jilted lover is a jilted lover no matter what you choose to call it.

I understand you pain, been there myself more than once. However, also try to think of all the positives you shared with this guy in the past, learn from the painful ending, and move on. Yes, easier said than done. But time will dull the pain, just don’t let it dull the lessons learned.

All the best.

76

Sounds to me like Mighty_Girl’s past heartbreak led her to try to set up a clinically controlled environment where she could obtain physical satisfaction but never, ever expose her fragile spirit to the emotional messiness of a “relationship”. I read her fury here as a sense of betrayal, not at her friend, but at the inevitable crumbling of her little emotionally controlled experiment.

In short, welcome to the real world. Hope you enjoy your stay.

77

Slight hijack to address this particular comment.
Mighty_Girl writes:

**

You know, I am all for privacy as I think what goes on between two people is nobodies business but their own. However, you need to realize that the world is getting smaller by the day, that any feelings of anonimity you may have felt by posting on an MB far removed from your country of residence, are just an illusion. Allow me to explain.

See, I just “happen” to have moved (back) to the DR six months ago. I also noticed from your very public profile and web page that you reside here as well. Furthermore, I also noticed that you link to a Dominican MB from your page. One that I recently joined as well – as “OwnRules” – and being the amateur sleuth that I am, I have now realized who you are on that board, seen your picture in the Media Gallery and read posts where you basically tell everyone where you live! :eek:

Imagine for a sec – and in such a relatively small envirinment, it’s not hard to do – that I also knew that subject of your OP and/or further, that I wanted the whole freaking island to know the particulars of your relationship, well, I could, couldn’t I?

Now, let me reassure you that it is not in my character to do any of the above. I am simply pointing out that if you value your privacy as much as you say you do, you should be careful of where you share it.

Perhaps there’s another lesson to be learned from all of this.

</end hijack>

78

I’m just asking…you said you’re sure he had sex with someone else. That’s fine. Are you sure it was UNPROTECTED sex? If it was protected sex, would you still be pissed off at him?

79

Well, I’m not disagreeing with transparency in any arrangement—I demand it!—but I’m talking about the “who gives a shit” attitude I got from the OP about it. Maybe that’s just my reading, but I was more or less with the OP until I read about hiding the relationship. That triggers some suspicion in me.

If a friend ever treated me like that, I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended up being screwed up. I’ve been in FwB relationships, no biggie. They more or less worked as planned.

80

Yes, and that is that you were slower to make the connection than I was. I have known for weeks that you post on that MB.

If you look at all my posts there you will notice I fail to mention my private life. Not that it matters, in general they are people I wouln’t mind telling. There are two VERY close friends that post there, they would have been surprised I didn’t tell them all this time while they were trying to hook me up with any potential Mr. Perfect. None of these friends is Mr. Asshole.

What I was talking about when I referred to privacy is friends and family. They also got hurt when my fiancee and I broke up, he’s a wonderful man and was well liked amongst my loved ones. I don’t want them to go through this again with a relationship that actually never happened and had no future that I could see.

When you’re a woman, 32 yo, in a Latin country and you’ve only had 2 very long relationships in you life your family hears wedding bells any time they see a man (even if gay) standing next to you. Not funny, believe me.