Hazard of walking into a room full of dull axes with a grindstone held aloft, I think.
To sum up:
1: Betraying a mutual explicit agreement is not a sign of good character.
2: People have opinions about others’ relationships that are incredibly important and urgently necessary to proclaim.
Mighty_Girl, you say that you wouldn’t have been upset at this guy if only he had told you the truth. You say it, and it may be true. But you have to realize that no man is going to believe this. Women may TELL you that they only want the truth, but men learn very soon that they really want something different. He lied to you just like he would have lied to his wife about his mistress. The fact that you told him that he could tell you the truth means nothing. He probably figured you were lying to yourself about that.
If it makes you feel better, consider the male ego. Perhaps his ego wouldn’t allow him to believe that you’d just let him go with no emotional attachments as long as he sent you a memo first. Look, you tried to set up an arangement where there were no emotional risks. But such things are impossible. You always take a risk, always, always.
Oh really?
I didn’t know that about myself. Thanks much for clearing that up.
Big Girl,
You deserve a night out, a massage, a fruity drink, maybe a nice dance club?
He wasn’t worthy of you. 
Love,
Lady
That is, by far, the best thread summary I have ever seen.
Mighty_Girl, you are absolutely in the right to be upset about his lying, skanky behavior. Sorry you’re going through this.
My “friends with benefits” set-up, which was the same in almost every particular to yours, ended quite happily by mutual consent. See people? It IS possible! A guy named Chad and I are living examples!
It served a purpose, mind you. I appreciate my friends even more. I just called my best friend (a girl) and thanked her profusely for always been honest to me, even when her truths hurt. I told her that she didn’t know much that meant to me and not to change, ever.
She was nicely surprised and even if she doesn’t know where all that came from I made her day. Yes, there are honest friends. And I would kill or give my life for a friend. His loss.
From the general tone of your OP, Mighty_Girl and subsequent posts, I get little sense of any emotional attachment on your part. Your prinicipal beef centres on betrayal of a compact that no doubt was entirely devised on your terms. The original explicit lack of permanence to the relationship appears however to have become somewhat ambiguous as subsequent posts have suggested to me. If I remember correctly, you said you might have fallen in love with the guy. You might think about forgiving a fellow who may not have put you at risk at all, but who was merely testing an opportunity for a more meaningful and committed relationship.
I would ask you what you would do if you found yourself in a situation where Mr. Right suddenly appeared to stir your loins. Would you say, “No, I’m obligated to terminate my serious casual relationship first before I have sex with you.” ?
I would guess that you would break the deal, but intend to inform the “friend” the next day.
But after sex, you’re somewhat hesitant if this Mr Right is what you really want. What do you do then Mighty_Girl ? Would you just throw out the easy to terminate relationship before confessing the next day? Or would you like to have some time to figure out where your head’s at?
The answer lies in the question:
If I found myself in a situation where Mr. Right suddenly appeared to stir my loins I would say, “No, I’m obligated to terminate my serious casual relationship first before I have sex with you.”
See, you are smarter than you thought 
Good answer !!!
I, in that case, may dip my dick in the new chick given the chance, then cancel with the FWB next chance I got (DEFINITELY before the next time we would be sleeping together).
Just a question, Mighty, how that that have sat with you in your case?
Bricker, what Mighty_Girl said. Just send me an e-mail anytime you’re in the vicinity.
Presidentes & Dopers. Sounds like a winning combo to me
That is possible but in the circles I run in, the men are more likely to cheat on the women and not vice versa. Could just be my experiences in life.
Where are those abusive feelings you discuss? I don’t see anyone here calling her out, calling her stupid, pretty much a general conversation that in normal speaking would be quite mild. Unless you are reading more into the words than I read.
People are stating opinions and hopefully ways for her to think differently about this situation.
She has every right to be angry, but some of us think that maybe she put the cart before the horse not thinking through the possibilities in a casual sexual relationship like this. I don’t think that’s being abusive towards her at all.
Look, she put it out for all to read and for all to comment on. This doesn’t mean that we should all agree with her, give her a cup of tea and put her head on our shoulders. Some of us are allowed to possibly point out the flaws in the plan.
Was the guy a jerk? Yes, she was betrayed by some one she thought was a true friend and trusted. I get that. But I also think that those situations can lead up up a road of serious disappointment. In this case it did happen. But hardly abusive postings in here.
You might want to check out a few other threads here in the pit where a simple bitch turns into melt downs and extremelly wounded people heck I have been a part of them over the years. There’s been some as of late. I don’t consider this one of them.
She can do as she pleases with the words spoken here. But I hardly think this has been an example of vitriol.
Comparing this thread to the others that techchick68 refers to this one looks like you ALL are trying to drown me in cups of tea. I didn’t find it generally offensive. Nobody was particularly offensive, perhaps someone was a little obtuse and the same questions were asked ad-nauseam. I am not offended, you are all entitled to your opinion.
I surprised myself by posting this here. But since nobody else knew about the situation this is not something I can just go drop at the feet of some unsuspecting friend. I needed a place to bitch and you guys accommodated me. It was cathartic. In the light of a new day it feels different, I don’t even feel the same way as in the OP (I am not mad anymore, more like… shrug).
And now I shall pursue my only true love: coffee.
Ah, Dominican coffee.
I love Mrs. Bricker with every fiber of my being… but strong, fresh-brewed Dominican coffee is a true love of mine as well… every time we visit, we bring home coffee, and every time they visit us, they bring care packages that include coffee. And every morning while we were there, my mother-in-law had a nice, fresh pot going. I just had to convince her that I really didn’t need the sugar, and it was perfect.
In fact, that was one surprise I had when ordering coffee at a hotel, back before we were married. I asked for my coffee negro, knowing that meant black - that is, without cream or sugar. It came without cream, but loaded with sugar. Apparently, sugar in the coffee in the DR is the default.
And not to completely hijack this thread into a DR reminiscence, but when we went to Bayaguana after New Years, we had the most amazing empanadas, made from yucca instead of flour, lightly fried and absolutely delicious. We sat in a little house right off the main road, about a block away from the church, and had ice-cold Presidente and these perfect empanadas, and chewed a little cane (which I had never had before) for dessert. And life was good.
This is 100% CORRECT.
If he had told you he no longer wanted to continue this relationship, even before having sex with the new person, you would still HATE HIS GUTS.
You may respect him more, but you would still hate him.
HELL HATH NO FURY.
My ex wife once said to me “If you ever cheat on me…
DON’T tell me. LIE to me.”
It scared me. I wouldn’t have cheated on her anyway, but her saying this sent a chill down my spine. I took it to mean that it would hurt her SO BAD that she would rather not know.
This guy was wrong to start having sex with someone else when you two had an “understanding” (which to me sounded very much like a “real” relationship) but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he was afraid of your reaction to his wanting to end it and start having sex with someone else. (rejecting you)
Women… you can’t live WITH them…
and you can’t live WITH them.
But I love em anyway.
I am not sure I agree with the proposition that Lemur866 and djf750 know the OP better than she knows herself.
djf750 did you know I am NOT your wife. Therefore I don’t HAVE to think as your wife… follow me? I know how I feel better than you do based on having known me for 32 years. You may know your wife but you don’t know me, and believe me not ALL women like being bullshitted.
And Bricker I will add the Empanadas de yuca to my website next Monday in your honor
And I am pretty sure that broad generalizations and stereotypes are not convincing arguments.
**
And taking a page from the Psychic Friends Network doesn’t work all that well either.
I am please we have so many psychic people on this board. My wife wants the truth, and that is what she will get from me. If she says “Does this make me look fat?” it is not a trap. If it makes her look fat, I may be diplomatic, and tell her she looks thinner in another dress/color/style, but I WILL tell her. If she asks me, she wants to know my opinion. I know plenty of women for whom that question IS a trap, but you will notice I did not marry them.
YMMV, and if it does, that sucks for you.
Wow, you know what she thinks across the space of a message board. That’s pretty ‘special’. (yes, with my clever usage of Minnesotan politeness, I shall convey sarcasm…well, hopefully!)
And Stupidity hath no limit like a person generalizing…
Now I understand! Your wife’s belief = WOMEN IN GENERAL? (You did say you agree with Lemur866 100%, right?)
Gee…now I have to start wanting my man to lie to me. Before this, I had the fervent belief that honesty is the best policy within a loving relationship. You see…I may hate him if he sleeps with another (well, especially if’n he rudely didn’t invite me along!)…but at least I won’t have to hate MYSELF for having LET him lie to me.
I would rather end it quickly than stay in a relationship based on lies.
But the truth is, my opinion is no more statistically valid as a form of ‘What women think’ argument than your wives opinion or this ‘gem’ from Lemur866 =
Each woman is unique. We all have our own likes and dislikes. And the most important thing about us is that we ARE HUMAN BEINGS just like you men.
When I hear these stereotypes about ‘women’ thinking a certain way…it seems as if you are saying we are a sub-species because we don’t think the ‘normal man’ way…
It really bothers me.
I am a human first, a woman second.
I disagree that “everybody deserves better.” IMO, only women of admirable moral character and self-respect deserve a virtuous man. Which begs the question: Do you think you’re a woman of character? Do you feel self-respect is one of your strong attributes?