Your Onion Headlines: January 2013

Can you provide a link? I would like to read something humorous.

Lance Armstrong pours soul, drugs into creation of the One Bracelet
Former cycling champ attempts to control cancer foundation through black magic

Astronomers report possible life spotted on distance planet
Uncertainty marks discovery as one astronomer swears he saw frantic humanoid hurriedly pull tarp over possible alien object

Vatican city planners accidentally replace ancient cathedral with Subway