In my experience, for some people “I’m saving myself ofr marriage” is the only reason they will accept as “good enough”, and so the other person puts it in those terms. Otherwise, saying no to sex leads to “why not?” and then you have to say “Well, I’m not ready” and then you have to deal with “Are you ready now? What about now? what can I do to make you ready? I’ll do anything. Just tell me. Ready now?”
Also, sometimes it’s the only reason you can give yourself: i.e., you really don’t want to have sex with your boyfriend, but you feel guilty about it because it’s making him sad, so you decide you can’t because of god. No guilt. Then you meet someone you actually want to have sex with, and forget all about god. Perfectly human.
You have absolutely no idea just how into the first guy this girl was. They hugged and kissed constantly. They meditated together. They were inseperable for the months that they were together, and there was very clearly a love between the two of them. And, make no mistake, they touched all the bases besides actual intercourse. So, she was quite into him.
Well, I think most people here have agreed that it was not a nice thing to do, telling them about it. (But then, you guys all seem to be pretty open about what you are or are not getting.) No, she shouldn’t have done that; but most young people do brag about it when they have foreign anonymous sex.
Anyway, that wasn’t the part that you made a big deal about. You went on and on about how she was so awful because she wouldn’t sleep with your buddies, and how much anguish it caused them. The bragging part was at the very end and hardly seemed to come into it; it was the actions themselves that seemed to have you ticked off.
Again: your friends were not owed sex. If they didn’t like it that she didn’t want to sleep with them, which she did not have to do, then they didn’t have to stick around. Not everyone wants to have sex in a dating relationship, and that is their business. I understand that they are annoyed that she didn’t give it up for them, which is normal for young guys who want to have sex, but she still doesn’t owe it to them. The only thing she did wrong was to tell them about her Italian sex; otherwise she has not wronged them in any way.
Believe me, this is not how we are presenting ourselves. And I assure you, if you knew us in person, you would understand - we are not drooling brutes. My vitriolic diatribe about this girl may be bitter enough to come from a teenage dork who was rejected by a hot chick, but in this case, it happens to come from a 20-year-old history major with a steady girlfriend of 7 months and a pretty excellent life in all respects. I’m just very close to my friends and it hurts me when something like this happens to them.
Well, you know what they say… When in Rome, do the Romans.
I will agree with you, AT, that telling a couple of exs about her sexual exploits, knowing full well it would likely cause them a great deal of anguish, wasn’t very cool. There’s that other saying too… The first rule of Fuck Club… don’t talk about Fuck Club.
Sounds like a painful experience for you and your friends but I hope y’all can grow from it instead of becoming jaded by it. There really is a lesson in there somewhere, as evidenced by many of the comments above.
Look, some people just don’t want to have sex yet. It’s not even that unusual. And I can tell you from experience that even in liberal-minded social circles, you will run into people who don’t want to have sex yet. And if you’re really so liberal and open-minded, that should be respected.
When I was in college/early 20’s, I was saving myself for marriage. (Which I did.) And I hung out with a lot of people who thought that was completely bizarre. It really showed me how open-minded and tolerant they weren’t, though they certainly claimed to be.
I’m sorry that this whole no-sex thing caused your buddies “great anguish,” but it’s really not something that they can claim to be wronged about. They can’t force her to have sex with them, and it’s her choice. It is not wrong to hold off on sex, for whatever reasons.
Again, the only thing she did wrong was to tell them about her foreign adventures. Which was rude. But it wasn’t actually wrong for her to change her mind about sex.
If only you’d give the same consideration to this girl, whose personal choices you apparently find so repugnant. She is, after all, a real person; not some feminine cipher who somehow owes your friends a fuck. Get over yourself. Or at least go back to your pissy little rants about what jackets people wear.
Had you started with complaining about this girl’s insensitivity, you might’ve gotten more agreement. But you banged on about your own usual betes noires (coffee, for Christ’s sake?) and in doing so just made yourself sound like a bitter, whiny sod. “All she put them through”? Heh. I’ve been on several dates that never went anywhere. I never realised I was a victim.
I’ll say something else, too. This is about more than her not wanting to have sex with these guys. It’s the fact that she claimed to not want to have sex with any guys. The idea was that she was “saving herself for marriage.” This whole idea struck us as being incredibly bizarre, since this girl is the daughter of an atheist father and a non-practicing Jewish mother who dabbles in Eastern spiritualism, is extremely liberal-minded in all other regards - yes, yes, yes, I know, it’s a woman’s choice not to have sex, it’s her body, it’s her choice, I shouldn’t criticize her for it - OK. But then she goes and breaks the abstinence thing not for a guy who she was dating for almost a year, but for men she will never see again?
Look, I accept the fact that she made a choice. In fact, I’m not even going to say it was a bad choice. This girl should do whatever she wants with her life. But it was a pretty tactless thing for her to bring it up with these guys. She ought to have kept it to herself.
If they have had such full sexual lives, then she did not “put them through” anything. She simply changed her mind about what to do with her own life and body.
Unfortunately, your presentation is very much in the angst-driven teen mode, so I am afraid that, at this point, most of us are probably less likely to believe your interpretation of what she said or how she said it. Given that she had broken up with the second guy long enough for the third guy to make a separate run at her and that she has since spent time in Europe (and that the first two guys have, apparently, gone on to have successful sexual adventures of their own), I am not at all sure that she was doing anything more than relating an anecdote among people that she thought were mature enough to hear it.
Perhaps she was being catty.
Perhaps she was being clueless.
Perhaps she and her earlier boyfriends were all fine with the information and only you are overreacting.
I dunno. But the OP was a bit over the top for an event that purportedly occurred among such mature individuals.
(Personally, I suspect that you are really mad because you work for Maxwell House.)
But then again, they apparently feel perfectly free to tell one another about precisely what she was willing to do with them. So why shouldn’t she feel equally free to tell them precisely what she did without them? Her sex life is quite the public topic in this group, and she seems to be playing by the rules of what can be discussed.
P.S. Argent Towers, what do you think it says about the way you presented this that everyone in this thread assumed you were much younger than your actual age? Give that some consideration, won’t you?
Your explanation here comes off much more sympathetic than your earlier depiction did, but the fact that they discussed amongst themselves having or not having sex with this girl strikes me as rather immature, as does your dissing this woman because she wasn’t attracted to any of the guys in your group. She didn’t get off on them. She got off on the guy in Italy. He made her see the error of her ways with regard to “saving herself” for marriage. Shit happens!
As to your statement of “what she put them through”, I can guarantee that if they thought she was putting them through something, it pales by comparison to what they put her through. You make it sound as though she was punishing them. Like she stepped out of line and committed some horrible atrocity against them. If they came off so pathetic as to appear like they’d been “put through” something, I can understand why she didn’t fuck them.
I dumped a guy for the sole reason that one of his friends mentioned that the guy mentioned he wasn’t sleeping with me. That’s all it took. I don’t like the idea of a group of guys sitting around discussing if one of them was fucking me.
It’s that searing pain in the eyes beneath the bright light of Truth one experiences when when their head is forcibly extracted from their ass. I’ve certainly been denied, but nobody ever had to use the “I’m saving myself” line to get me off of their leg. I suspect it’s because I didn’t need to be told anything but “I’m not interested”. If someone has to lie to you to get you to quit slavering, it’s not a huge surprise that they’d save an expression of their true esteem for later, once “I’m not interested” finally sinks in and they’re spared further pestering.
