Correct. I assumed there would be one, but it was never brought up with me around.
Is there a rehearsal planned?
Okay, call me the lone voice of dissent, but from the OP, you were asked to host the bachelor party back in June, so you had 5 months to get organized. Now it’s less than a week before the wedding and you are trying to throw something together. Sorry, but details such as time, date, and location should have been nailed down WEEKS ago, which is probably what they were hinting at when they brought it up 2 weeks ago. When Friend 2 intervened and offered up her place, that was actually them relieving you of your Bachelor Party Planning responsibilities. Since, you know, you hadn’t done anything. At that point, your job was to be a good friend and show up.
I also take issue with the fact that you seem to think that the party was about you and not the couple. You wanted to move the party from a mutual (to you and the couple) friend’s uncle’s home to a complete stranger’s (to them) house. “Hello, I’m Lisa, I’m getting married. Thanks for hosting my party.” Sorry but that is very awkward.
And even though you want drinking and music, the people who are being honored do not. Since the party is for THEM, you should acquiesce to what they want. When it’s your wedding, they acquiesce to what you want. That’s how it works.
As far as not being invited to the rehearsal and all that, I can’t speak on that. Sounds like a bunch of unorganized people with different agendas trying to throw together something at the last minute. I wouldn’t take offense at them not inviting my girlfriend of exactly one date because life is just too short to be petty.
Have fun at your alternate party.
I think your gender is showing here a bit, PunditLisa. I’m leaping to the conclusion that you’re female and applying feminine ideas to party planning. If I’m wrong, then I’m abashed, but I also have to wonder what sort of a “bachelor” party you would have after 5 months of planning. Either it would be epic and probably end up on some cable channel late at night or it would be so totally overproduced and choreographed as to be as stultifying as the currently planned “wedding party” promises to be.
FT was asked (or perhaps directed, and here I have to agree with the earlier poster who pointed out the inappropriateness of that particular move; indeed either your friends want to throw you a party and you should be surprised and pleased, or keep your pie hole shut get none and and wonder what sort of friend you have been or what kind of friends you have that wouldn’t spontaneously throw a whopping great bash for you without being asked in the first place, but I digress)…
FT doubtlessly had plans in his mind all through the summer for a bachelor party which is usually held immediately preceding the nuptials and involves copious amounts of alcohol, the services of a good chauffer and limousine and in some cases the services of women of negotiable virtue to add a certain twinkle to the festivities. Such can be had without having to involve committees and schedules and reference to colour swatches, so to fault him for having not rented a hall and sent out invitations in advance is not a fair shot. That sounds much more in the vein of a wedding shower. If the brides shower hadn’t been planned to within a micrometer of it’s life at least 90 days prior, I too, had I been the bride, would have expressed some concern and if it hadn’t been as well detailed in it’s expected execution as Operation Overlord two weeks before the wedding, then the happy couple would have been well within their rights to have shot the organizer, not just dropped hints that “someone better get a move on”. FT was advised (and rather lately by my reading of the text, of the change in scope and theme and, so far as one can read into a missive that is written like a badly translated Italian Roman a clef, acted with appropriate deliberation to; determine the guest list, arrange a venue that suited the size of the gathering, and the accouterments that normally accompany what most consider a party. It is, understandably, lamented that the approach that was favored by the happy couple was more suited to a protestant wake, but as others have rightly pointed out, that was the wishes of the bride and groom and should be foremost in the mind of whoever was charged with arrangement. FT seemed prepared to go along with that. His umbrage at having his escort snubbed is also understandable although I at that point in the chronology feel it would have been improper for him to not attend the event… Again if I understood correctly she was also a long time member of the circle of friends who had for a period been absent but recently returned. Kudos to her for even offering her assistance.
I do feel that was the appropriate moment to have a quiet word with his friend and offer to step aside as the “organizer”. It was clear that he had been replaced, but it would have given the groom the chance to make mealy-mouthed words of regret and perhaps save some face. It would also clearly have relieved FT of responsibility that up to that point so far as I could tell he was unsure that he no longer had. It may also have lead to an opportunity to open the discussion about his status as Best Man and clarify the expectations thereof. Ah well, how quickly we see the back of opportunity’s coat when we are not the one involved.
I think it precipitous to have arranged a separate party without having had a conversation with the Groom. It was ill advised, I feel, because, as FT pointed out himself in mentioning his lack of notification about the rehearsal dinner and the other guests mentioned for the “wedding party”, people are talking. To assume that his party planning would not get back to the Groom was short sighted and if discovered would only serve to cause further deterioration in the relationship between the Grrom and his friend.
In this affair, FT’s duty was to act in the interest of the Groom and Bride; to show himself the “Best Man” in this situation where the pressure of the moment often gets the better of the principle couple and they speak or act in thoughtless or foolish ways. In discharging his duties in the most honorable fashion he carries out of this miserable scenario the most wonderful prize, his dignity and the admiration of those who know how well he acted despite the pettiness of other. Such regard may carry a man far.
FordTaurusSHO94, I’m late to the party here (yes, the pun is intended.)
Don’t worry, From what you’ve said about the bride/groom dynamics, you’ll be able to plan a heck of a divorce party pretty soon.
Did you read the OP? He was asked to organize a bachelor party, which was changed to a couples shower* 2 weeks ago*.
Bachelor parties often entail transportation to and from a bunch of bars and/or establishments of ill repute. They don’t involve invitations, or any more organization than getting a bunch of guys together.
The fact that they changed it on him 2 weeks before the date (which is when invitations should be going out) speaks volumes about these people. I can’t find anything that the OP did wrong.
OK, that wasn’t apparent in the post. He’s a douche.
Yes, I did. The key is that the wedding is THIS SATURDAY and he hadn’t done even the minimal amount of effort to plan something for his friend. Then he got all offended when someone else picked up the ball that he had dropped. Sorry, but he was (correctly) relieved of his party planning duties… because he hadn’t planned any party.
As far as them forcing him to throw the party, it’s customary that the best man throw the bachelor party. If he wasn’t aware of that, he was certainly made aware of it in June. If he didn’t want to do it, he should have declined. No harm, no foul. When it was changed to a couples shower, which was an entirely different animal than what he signed up for, he should have said, “Man, that is so out of my element that I’d going to have to pass the R for that onto somebody else.” Once again, no harm, no foul.
Better communication from all parties would have gone a long way to solve these issues.
From the OP: "Throughout the summer, they have slowly weeded out friends that “they” don’t like much anymore from his side.
The wedding is this Saturday, so I’ve been doing some planning. About 2 weeks ago, he told me…"
This implies a cognizance of guests and although poorly worded, planning activity. Nes Pas? The change occured after planning although how much is unclear
You’re going to dig your heels in on this one? Really? Even after multiple people have told you that a bachelor party requires very little effort? You’re still going to complain that he didn’t put forth enough effort? On top of that, you’re basically talking out of your ass when you say he hasn’t put forth even the minimal amount. Where are you getting that?
Many bachelor parties are organized by the best man. It isn’t anything that is universally expected, or that can be demanded.
Also, he didn’t have time to back out of the couples shower. They changed the venue before he had time to do anything about it. They changed the nature of the party 2 friggin weeks before the date.
I’m floored that you’re even trying to defend this idiotic behavior.
It has been well explained to you already, but allow me to repeat everything that was said.
A bachelor party involves a few of the grooms friends going and and having fun in various ways. It doesn’t take months of planning to call 5 or 6 friends that you see every weekend to tell them we’re going to do something again on another weekend.
Two weeks before the wedding, I was told that it was going to be a wedding party, not a bachelor’s party. Had I done months of planning, it would have all been for nothing, since this was decided two weeks before the wedding. I then started planning for an actual party.
The friend who was nice enough to offer her house has known most of these people for 15 or more years. She was married for a few years and we didn’t see her very often, but now she’s back. It was made very clear, in a very rude way, that her house wasn’t needed and she wasn’t even welcome to attend.
I have no problem with them not wanting drinking or music or anything. I asked how many people were going to show up and offered some last minute suggestions, since this was all last minute, and I was given a list of rules specifically for me and told not to bring a guest.
Guys tend to go out with their mates on Friday or Saturday night, probably once a month or so. Bachelor parties are really only a slight extension of that, with slightly more coordination in terms of date, time, venue, and obviously a bit more committment to showing up. That’s it. I’d nail down an initial date/time frame with the groom and start thinking about possible venues and other activities a couple of months before the planned party, but wouldn’t actually start emailing/calling people about possible dates until three weeks or so before the actual event, which usually takes place during the week leading up to the actual wedding. In fact, it’s often the night before the wedding, although I personally would avoid that - no need for the groom to be hungover for his big day.
About the only think I can possibly fault the OP since it isn’t clear, is if he had confirmed a general date/time frame with the groom. But since he says he had been doing some planning, I would guess that he had been in general contact with the groom since summer, discussing general dates and possible activities. Because honestly, there isn’t much other actual ‘planning’ involved for a bachelor party…
Right up until this post, I was going to say the groom deserved a little slack here. He seemed guilty of nothing worse than being overwhelmed before his wedding and passively letting other people call the shots for him. It’s easy for a groom to fall into such a trap, believe me.
But now it does appear that he’s making a conscious effort to exclude FT from the proceedings. Not cool. At this point I’d say go to the wedding, play your part, be cordial, and then keep your distance from all of these people.
One other observation I have (though it’s a moot point now) is that throwing a bachelor party the night before the wedding is an extraordinarily bad idea (see The Hangover). Get yourself a time machine and do up a fun, rowdy, guys-only, all-night blowout 2 weeks ago. Might have helped save your friendship with the groom, and then “Friend2” and his little jailbait could have their lame couples thing tonight with no conflicts.
I’m well aware of what a bachelor party is. It is closer to getting a bunch of guys together for a football game than a cotillion. But even something so banal requires SOME communication. I’m not talking about calligraphied invitations, I’m talking about posting a 2 sentence Facebook announcement: “Joe’s Bachelor Party: 12/4. Details to follow.”
But since you admittedly hadn’t actually done ANYTHING, and the wedding was this Saturday, then you shouldn’t act all offended that you’re no longer in charge.
This is getting ridiculous. Now you are claiming that he didn’t have any communication with the groom, after he specifically told you that he had been in constant communication with the groom? Seriously? Then, you claim that he hasn’t done anything, after he specifically said he had been making plans?
What thread are you reading, because it sure as hell isn’t this one. No matter. Just dig those heels in a little deeper.
Sorry, Pundit, can’t back you on this one. From everything I’ve seen here FordTaurus was en route to planning a perfectly fine bachelor party when his assigned duties got rudely co-opted. My husband’s bachelor party was the guys sitting around, getting completely shitfaced and playing poker - that really doesn’t take a huge amount of planning. I think the back-and-forth between Jim and his best man was, “Not the night before.” “Okay, my house, Saturday before the wedding. Who do you want me to invite?” and that was it.
Nitpick: n’est pas.
Thank you, don’t know what I was thinking when I typed that.
B/R
My bachelor party was similar, and the one I just planned for a buddy, we STARTED the planning two weeks before the wedding, and that was solely because it was a destination bachelor party (a few hours away, over a state line that caused a magic strip club improvement).
“Planning” consisted of picking a hotel suite, buying three cases of beer, and agreeing on when to meet there to carpool to the strip joint.
But but… what about the guest list? And decorating the hall with bunting? And who is going to plan the bachelor party games? And make the funny hat for the groom?
I have heard of weddings like this before, where the bride is not satisfied with controlling every single aspect of the engagement, wedding, pre-nup, honeymoon and life. They also want to control the bachelor party. Some are afraid that if their man sees another pair of titties before the nuptials, they will call the wedding off. These brides are usually quite insecure about their relationship.
Others are (justifiably in some cases) afraid that the groom’s friends will get him too messed up or send him to Argentina in a crate, just for a laugh.