My ex recently came to the conclusion that she was a lesbian, and I’d be interested in getting some responses from other lesbians on the following questions, prompted by behaviours that I’ve noticed in her:
Are you a sucker for various gay/lesbian publications? She picks up the new edition of “girlfriends” whenever it hits the shelves. Are there any in particular that you think are really worth reading, that I should pass along to her?
Do you read and/or like Ann Brannon or other lesbian pulp fiction?
How long, in general, do you think the whole “Wow! I want to meet other lesbians!” phase lasts? She’s in this phase full-swing right now, and while I think it’s a perfectly natural and understandable reaction to her newly-realized sexual identity, she’s being rather silly about it at present. I keep thinking we’re going to end up having a conversation along the lines of:
Me: So, do you want to go to the petting zoo today? Her: Is it a lesbian petting zoo? Me:groan
Treading Water It’s In The Water Some Prefer Cake My Femme Devine Sticky Fingers Of Time Three On A Match
Head over here for a good comprehensive list of GLBT cinema.
It’s sad that I can’t come up with any more than that, but in most lesbian films, quality is sadly lacking. That said, I enjoyed Mudholland Drive. Bound, not so much. It’s probably more because I can’t stand Angelina Jolie that the film quality, though.
TeleTronOne–
I personally don’t read many gay magazines myself. I used to subscribe to The Advocate, but somewhere along the line my subscription expired and I didn’t really mind. It pandered mostly to the upper-crust-honky-white-closeted-but-not-too-much set. Not my thing. As for Curve and Girlfriends, eh. They are what they are. They can be fun to flip through in the bookstore, but not worth the $5.99.
I’ve read all of Ann Bannon’s work, and it’s greatly amusing. After awhile, though, all of that self-loathing tends to grate one’s nerves, and you just want to scream “Slit your fucking wrists then! I don’t care anymore!” They are important, of course, because they kicked down the door for the serious GLBT literature that would come after.
As for you ex, her must-meet-other-homos phase will end. For some it takes longer than others–I personally got over it, and fast. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to have community and all that, but you learn really quick, especially if you don’t conform to certain stereotypes/standards, that someone’s sexuality doesn’t bear any weight whatsoever on how well you’ll click with them. Be patient–she’ll grow out of it. Or do what I do and roll your eyes and say “You know, eating pussy doesn’t automatically qualify a person for the Pulitzer.”
What is your opinion on bisexual women who are experimental? Obviously some of you are in long term relationships, but what about when you were dating? Do lesbian women have the same problems gay men have with same sex bisexuals (jeeze, did that make sense?) i.e. worry about their bisexual partners leaving them for a hetero relationship. Have you had a bisexual partner, and if so, what was your experience?
Second question if I may: In the movie Chasing Amy, Alyssa Jones (the lesbian) tells her group of comic book writing lesbian friends that she is dating a man. The group of lesbians look very disturbed, like she joined the dark side of the force. One even says something along the lines of “Another one bites the dust.” or some such (the quote escapes me).
Is this a common reaction to a lesbian going straight (not the right words, I am sure. No offense intended at all)? In other words, do you dislike it when a lesbian goes straight? What about others in your peer group?
Thanks for the great thread. I have learned a lot.
I have no problems with bisexual women. I think this whole “I’m a hot, blonde, 19 year old bisexual coed!” crap puts all bisexuals in a bad light, but what you can do? I have had a bisexual girlfriend before, and the experience was negative. It’s pretty sad actually, because my rule before her was “no bisexuals” and she just reaffirmed it. I’m not saying that a lesbian and a bisexual woman can’t have a monogamous, steady relationship, but that wasn’t my experience, unfortunately. She did, in fact, leave me for a man. I try not to let my singular experience (and those of women I know) color my view of bisexuals and their potential for relationship material, but sometimes it’s hard.
It also bothers me to hear bisexual woman describe themselves as lesbians or dykes. My bottom line is this–if you sleep with both males and females, no matter what the leaning or frequency, you are bisexual. And there’s not a thing wrong with that. However, don’t claim a label because it a) makes you feel more accepted in a given community or b) it’s more acceptable in general. Not to go off on a tangent, but I’m very masculine in many ways. Very, very masculine–but I would never claim the transgender label. That’s not what I am. I apply that standard to everyone–just be who you are.
Don’t worry about offending me, I swear I’m not as hostile as I seem.
Yes, I personally do sigh and roll my eyes when a self-professed lesbian goes straight, or swings bisexual, or whatever. It goes back to what I was saying about bisexual women. Just be who you are. Please don’t run around wearing the lesbian badge when, in fact, you aren’t. It’s not fair to the lesbian community at large–you make us all seem like insecure, unsure women who don’t know who we really are or what we really want in a marriage or relationship. I think many lesbians feel as I do. I know the ones I personally come in contact with do. I can’t speak for the community at large, though.
I was going to ask about the movie Chasing Amy as well, but robgruver beat me to it. Probably better that way, my opinions about it have some real flamefest potential!
But now I may cause even more trouble. I have not much faith in Der Mods, so this may get the thread locked. If so, I apologize. I am being mostly serious here.
What do you think about lesbians using strapons or dildos or other artificial phalluses (phallusii?)? I’ve heard several different opinions over the past couple of years from different lesbians…
There’s the (I feel to be eye-roll worthy) “accepting phalluses is submitting to patriarchy!!”
There’s the “ewwww!” response, which I don’t tend to think has anything to do with politics, just some people not into that.
And of course there have been a few “sure, can be fun sometimes.”
Hrm. Seems like I answered my own question. Pretty worthless as a discussion starter.
-Ben
Hey, I’ve got five of 'em. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t like sex toys. And hey, even the more radically feminist amongst my acquaintances can find one in a nice, politically correct shape.
I’m with QueerGeekGirl regarding “experimental” bisexuals. I’m of the opinion that if you can’t fall deeply and hopelessly in romantic love with the same gender, then you don’t deserve to call yourself bisexual or homosexual. Anything else is just lamely trying to buy some sexual outlaw cred on the backs of people who really have had to struggle hard to get their relationships destigmatized.
That being said, I have plenty of bisexual friends and exes who truly are bisexual, and more power to 'em. And I was left once by a bisexual woman-- but then again, the guy she left me for was a better fit for her. Well, at least I can say this now, 15 years later and happily married.
(BTW QueerGeekGirl, do you mind us other tribeswomen chiming in with our opinions? I’m still newbie enough to have very little clue as to what SDMB etiquette is on this kind of thing).
I like strap-ons, and have quite an assortment. I don’t use realistic ones, because I, uh–well, let’s just say that I think boy peepees are kind of funny looking. Not repulsive, just funny! Then again, I use a dolphin-shaped one, so who’s looking funny now?
:dubious:
Like you said, some lesbians don’t like them, and that’s cool. I happen to like G-spot stimulation quite a lot, and I find strap-ons do the trick quite well. And not to get off on a tangent, but a lot of FTM transsexuals use the realistic ones, so they definitely have their niche audience. Which is also cool.
mojave66–
Hell no, I don’t mind. The more the merrier, and I’m glad some other lesbians have taken up my slack, since the hamsters are all smoking a fattie right now and not attending to their regular job. I think I’m going to report them.
Um, I take a bit of offence at that. I am bisexual (though male but it doesn’t matter for this) and I don’t think I’ve ever fallen that deeply in love with another man. I have truly cared for some and a one I think I might have loved (I really felt something for him but I know it wasn’t to be so with some difficulty I managed to move on). Just because I’ve never fallen completely head over heels doesn’t mean I’m bi just to be a “sexual outlaw”. I really do enjoy sex with men and women. I’m in a monogamus (spelling?) relationship with a woman and have been for years. Doesn’t mean I no longer want men, hell, I still miss somethings that only a man can offer but I love my girlfriend so I willingly do without.
Those are just the ones you notice. I think you’ll be hard-pressed to find many straight or bisexual males who don’t find (the idea of) lesbian sex arousing, but the guys who shout off about it are the ones with two functioning brain cells.
That’s not to say that I haven’t spoken about the arousiveness (if that’s a word) of lesbian sex. If I sit at a pub with a few friends and the subject comes up, I’ll contribute. I’ve talked about it with Pricegal. But I don’t shout it to the world, and I do support gay rights. In the same vein, if a girl with a gorgeous ass goes by, I notice and enjoy the sight, but I don’t shout “Hey! Great ass!” to her.
Oh, and Iteki, have you seen Selma och Sofie? Did you like it?
Not quite, I must admit. I think we’d better drop it.
Not always, obviously, and I imagine the mileage varies enormously between couples. I personally find it most pleasing to hold off ejaculation until my partner is satisfied, then come and collapse into a cuddle-pile. It’s pretty obvious to my partner that I’m satisfied now, and we’ve already somehow communicated that she is, so that’s a natural place to stop.
I think I answered my own question there. If she and I can communicate, obviously you gals can too. Sorry to bother you.
While we’re on the subject of movies, I watched Fire and enjoyed it a lot. Does anyone else have an opinion?
That is not to say that I don’t feel for those that only have feelings for the same sex. At least when I’m with a woman I can walk down the street holding hands without fear of name calling or worse.
I am sorry the “it’s the cool thing to do so now I’m gay” people hurt the image of same sex couples in the eyes of some people but don’t lash out at all bisexuals because of them
FyreFiend, I think you missed the operative word in mojave’s post. She said if one cannot fall in love with someone of the same gender–not if one hasn’t yet. And trust me, I support bisexuals fully, and I feel for you guys more so than lesbians, because I think this whole gotta-be-a-sexual-outlaw thing has cast bisexuals in a horrible light. I think it’s made it very hard for you guys to be taken seriously by both the gay and straight communities.
Priceguy–
LOL. Chill, dude. I’m not pissy or mad at you. I’m just having a very hard time communicating my thoughts today, and for that matter, understanding others. For that, I apologize. I agree, we’ll move on from the porn topic.
You answered your own question much better than I did. And you didn’t bother me! Stop being so defensive, friend.
FWIW, I did see Fire. I thought it to be very beautiful, and I was deeply sad that it was banned in India. Of course, being shamefully non-bilingual, I had to watch it using subtitles, which I think took away from the experience.
You’re right. I’m sorry mojave and everyone else for flying off the handle. It’s a bit of a sore spot for me and I should have taken a few deep breaths (and reread the post) before replying.
I didn’t think you were pissy and/or mad, and my comment about bothering you was my way of saying “lol@me” when I realised I had answered my own question. So I guess everything’s just beautiful.
I didn’t even know it was banned in India. About the subtitles: wasn’t it filmed in English? Are you telling me I watched an entire movie dubbed into English and didn’t even notice?
See what I mean about me just not communicating or understand others well today?
:smack:
Hrm. I’m pretty positive the film I saw was in Hindi, and subtitled in English. Or maybe I’m on crack. I need to call the friend I saw it with and ask. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that I’m wrong.
:smack:
Yes, Fire was banned in India due to it’s lesbian content. IIRC, the India board of censors finally relented and allowed it to be shown.
An update on the subtitle controversy–apparently, I am on crack, and it was in English. I saw it a few years ago at a GLBT film festival–the only excuse I can give is that I saw it along with about 30 other films. The subtitled film I’m thinking of is apparently called Summer In My Veins.
