College social life

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Alright, I’m going to be a bit harsh. But it’s not because I don’t love you, Monkey.

Get off your butt. Folks have suggested starting doing a sport, and you say you’re too embarassed. They suggest doing something more creative, and you’re to intimidated. They propose joining a club, and you think they’re all “closed.” They say start a study group, but there are too many men in your classes. They say ask a girl out on a date, and you don’t want to date someone you don’t know.

Wah, wah, wah.

Riddle me this: how badly would you want to be friends with someone who doesn’t want to do anything new? What the hell it the point of being a buddy to someone whose idea of trying to make friends is cracking their door open a bit?

I’d suggest getting a campus job, but I’d guess you probably don’t want to get paid.

And some babe is supposed to fall for this routine? If some chick did, I’d bet my next paycheck that she’d be BORING AS HELL.

You have only three options now: 1) do things that are mildly uncomfortable now in the expectation that you will eventually meet some people who just happen to know a nice girl who likes going to parties (gasp!), going dancing (horrors!), or playing ultimate frisbee (nooooooooooo!).

  1. Go see your campus medical clinc because you sound like you’re depressed with a social phobia.

  2. Sit there with the door open.

There. I’ve said it. I genuinely wish you the best of luck, but nobody here is going to have a solution unless you stick your neck out a bit.

42

WRONG attitude to have. You go around talking to all girls as potential “girlfriends” not only will you find yourself without a girlfriend, but you’ll find yourself without female friends.

They’re people. Be friends. Hang out with a lot of girls. Don’t go out of your way searching. When you least expect it, you’ll find someone your compatible with.

Honestly, in my life, I’ve never had success when I’ve been in the mindset of “searching” for a girl. That’s when I’ve ended with desperate girls or sluts… better to just lay back and wait till you meet someone who piques your interest.

43

Wow Ravenman, no one has ever spelled it out for me quite like you did. I really don’t have anything going for me.

44

Soapbox, now is the time to try new things. It’s definitely normal to be shy and a little afraid, but you can overcome these fears and move on.

Whether it be a beginner martial arts class, the biology club or any other club, you should sign up. Find something that looks interesting and do it. It can be fun if you let it be. Trust me, most clubs are happy to get bodies to attend their meetings.

I want you to try something. Say “Hi, how’s it going?” at least three people in your hall per day. I guarantee that within a week, you’ll know a few people. There are probably many people who are feeling just as lonely as you are, but this will pass.

45

Have no fear-this realization is the best way to get things going for you.

I agree with everyone who’s said “I want a girlfriend” is the wrong attitude. Speaking from experience, there’s nothing more off-putting than desperation. “I’ve met other girls and gotten to know you and want you to be my girlfriend” works much better.

46

As someone who is also new to the college experience, I concur with most of what was said above.

Find stuff you like to do or would like to do and do it. At least then you have something in common with everyone else in the class/course/club/whatever. Also, don’t panic as if it’s the end of the world if you don’t connect immediatly. Give it some time.

Above all, Don’t give up. We didn’t give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

47

Wow! Germans, Japanese, that place sure took a beating.

Sorry.

Soapboax: so what are you going to do? Promise us you’ll try :smiley:

48

I know this is going to sound like a broken record, but join a club. Where I went to college, all it took to start an official campus club was three people who were willing to write a constitution, fill out the paperwork, and pay the modest fee, so there were lots of clubs. There was even one called, IIRC, “The Pizza Club for Studs”, which consisted of a bunch of people who met once a week for pizza.

There are often more generic clubs to join, as well, if you’re not interested in anything specific. The club I was most involved in was a club for all university-sponsored scholarship winners. (Actually, anyone could join, but if you won a scholarship, you were automatically a member–i.e. placed on the mailing list.) We planned all sorts of events, since it was such a wide and varied group (like the SDMB). I know that the honors sections of the various colleges, etc. had their own groups, too. You might enjoy a group like that more than a group that focuses specifically on, say, juggling. Besides, even if you don’t like the group, you might get a free meal out of it…our general meetings always featured pizza to bring the warm bodies in.

I met my husband at the first event I ever attended for that group.

The RA’s were always planning events for the dorms as well. You could go to some of those. Or, get a campus job. That way, you’ll at least have some extra cash when the dates start rolling around, and you might meet someone…you never know.

49

I’ll echo what many people already said: take the initiative and say “hi!” and start a conversation whenever you can. Join some activities or clubs and you’ll meet girls with similar interests… you’ll be surprised at the results that you get.

50

You have plenty going for you. You just seem to be in a bad mental and emotional space right now with regard to going out and doing the things that would get you a social network and then dates. Look, you might get lucky like my brother and end up dating a room-mate since you’re too shy to get out there and do something, but personally, I wouldn’t count on it.

I’m terminally shy. Walking right up to people and introducing myself is scary. But I made my best friend in college by doing exactly that. Because if I hadn’t, I could have sat alone for the rest of the time I was there. No joining a club, no doing activities, nothing scary. Just saying “hi, are you enjoying class so far” to a random selection of people. Even when it made my bowels watery with agonised terror to do so. SHE was an extrovert, and as a result, WE went on a lot of clubbing trips, attracted more people in class to come hang out with us at the campus coffee-shop, and get this, it’s entirely likely that the dates I had in college were because I had made a social network by virtue of being outgoing enough to speak to one person.

Let me give you that bottom line again: It is easier to get dates if you have a social network. It’s practically a pre-requisite. AND you don’t have to do a whole lot in college to get a social network: taking classes automatically means you already have things in common with people.

Oh, and get in the habit of participating in class if you have classes that accomodate that - it’ll make you more confident, and get you visibility among your peers. If you’re as shy as me, you might consider the “fake it until you make it” approach to self-confidence. If you act self-confident, no one knows the difference between that and actually being self-confident and eventually the self-confidence seems to sink in to your personality and beliefs about yourself.

51

Don’t believe this for a minute.
Female here, with an engineering degree.

I moved to another state to go to school, and didn’t know anyone when I moved in. I too am rather shy about meeting people. But I eventually made good friendships, that have lasted for almost 20 years now. (and one of those friends became my SO 3 years after we left school)

Here is what I found. Make friends, not dates.

  1. Your life will be more fun with friends of either gender.
  2. If you aren’t stressing the dating side, you will have better luck meeting people.
  3. Your friends know other people, who know others and so on and so on and so on (name that commercial :smiley: )
  4. Especially in programs that are heavily male, the women will appreciate someone that wants to be a friend. Dates are easy for women in those areas. Friends can be harder to find.

Have you thought about picking up a part time job, maybe a couple of hours a week, where you would get to talk to new people?

52

SoapboxMonkey I was here giving you advice earlier.

Now I’m here to give you hell.

Your rant about wanting a girlfriend only, because you can already make guy friends sounds suspicously like “Ok, pure and simple, this has nothing to do with making friends. I want to get laid. That is the only thing I really give a damn. I’m in computer science with a bunch of other guys with similar interests to me so finding friends in there will be no problem in time.” (italics mine)

As a girl, I can tell you straight up, it doesn’t work like that. You have to be able to be friends with girls without wanting to bone them before you can actually have a girlfriend. There are plenty of girls out there who like geeky guys, I’m one of them, Unix coding? great! Bio lab? Fabulous.

My point is, that even if you’re making friends with chicks as a way of cultivating a future girlfriend, it doesn’t work like that. Your Girlfriend Desire blinks like an invisible neon sign. We can tell when youre sincere, and when you’re not. The only girl who will put up with that is a girl who is so desperate and lacking in self esteem herself. Odds are she’s not the girl you’re chatting up, but if she is, do you really want to be involved with a person who thinks so little of herself that she’ll leap at any straw just to feel wanted?

What you want is going to require that you put yourself out there. It is going to require work. It sounds like you’re unwilling to do the work, you want it easy.

With that attitude, you frankly don’t deserve a girlfriend.

53

Wow, you couldn’t be more wrong. Unlike 60% of guys my age, I’m not just trying to dupe a girl into sleeping with me (and yes, I overhear many of my peers saying such things).

The reason I basically said that I wanted a girlfriend is BECAUSE people in this thread started warning me about the “friend zone.”

So please people! Which the fuck is it!? Do I become good friends with women, and then if I’m compatible with one try and take it to the next level? Or should I follow the advice of some dopers by trying to avoid the “friend zone” and try to find some random girl who would be willing to date me?

54

Wow wow wow! Why the fuck should I have to do any work? I hear so many stories of people who have love practically fall into their laps, like it was fate or something! So why do I have to be the unlucky one who that doesn’t happen to!?

55

And for those who encouraged me to go out and join something to try and meet people, I have signed up for a community service project tomorrow in Fairmount Park.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

56

SoapboxMonkey,

Dude, if you truly are looking for companionship, and not just a piece of girly-ass, then props to ya. From the way you wrote your follow up post, it sounded like what you wanted was to get your friendship from da boyz, implying that you didn’t need any sort of friendship from women, which doesn’t leave much about what you do want from women to the imagination.

My suggestion is that your world view is a bit narrow; that you should broaden your horizons just a bit. Yes, it will be very easy to make friends with other guys who have similar intrests to you. Look beyond that.

I truly believe that if you want to have a girlfriend, then you are going to need to know how to be a friend to a girl first. You can’t do alegbra without being able to do simple addition, it’s a cumulative skill set.
I actually think it’s commendable that you would want to be friends first with a girl before going somewhere deeper with her. I think that’s right on, and I wish more guys were like that. Not every girl is like me though, they may not all appreciate it. I’m just saying it’s hard to be friends with a girl that you want to be your girlfriend, if you don’t first know how to be a friend to a girl in the general instance.

As for the friend-zone/not friend-zone, you can’t really categorize people like that. Not all girls automatically invalidate boys who are their friends as potential boyfriends, although some certainly do. It will depend on the individual girl. And it will depend to some extent on you. In my experience, chicks don’t really respond well to guys where it feels like there is a creepy ulterior motive. If you know how to interact with girls, and treat them like people, and not potential girlfriends it will go a very long way toward nullifying any perceived vibe of ulterior motive.
as for this:

Because life is patently unfair. Chicks who aren’t hotties have to work extra hard to get noticed at all. Chicks who are hotties have to work extra hard to get people to notice that they’re something beyond an exceptionally fine pair of hooters. People who are rich have to work hard to figure out who their real friends are as opposed to people who just want to spend their money or have them do something for them. Guys who are short have to work hard to get people to forget they aren’t 6’4".

lastly, as something that I keep getting reminded of the hard way…

it’s the stuff you work hard for that means the most. Easy come, easy go is for real. when you invest in something with time and energy and resources it means a helluva lot more than something you got for free.

57

I kinda have the same problem. I’m a transfer student and I’ve been here a month and I have NO friends. I think I want to commute or live off-campus next year. I am dating someone, but he doesn’t even go to school here, so that probably isolates me even more.

58

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

The bus left at 9, I had my alarm set to go off like a siren at 7:30. HOW THE FUCK DID I SLEEP THROUGH IT!!!

:frowning: :frowning: :frowning:

I don’t know what I’m gonna do now.:frowning:

59

As someone in the exact same position as the OP [well except that the uni is in the UK] I just want to thank all the people who have posted in this thread. I was considering doing much of it anyway, but well the gap between theory and practice is huge, and this thread has encouraged me to put into action your [and mine] theories.
If youre not a self confident outgoing sociable person, and to add to that youve missed the first boat, then it is very hard to make that first step to meet people. But you have to do it. If you do, you will find that people are more then willing to meet you halfway, cause theyre in the same boat as well. Most people arent happy with the initial friends they make, they dont qute mesh or match or whatever. People are always looking to meet new people. Thats what the university experience is about.

** Soapbox Monkey** you have the confidence to talk about a problem your having with the whole world, on the internet of all places. You then definately have what it takes to meet people at uni.
Also you slept through your alarm? Chances are nobody will notice youre not there [well no staff/teachers] cause at the university level they dont care about attendence. Make sure you get notes/info from another class member. Heck you could use it as a chance to meet them. Think of it as a blessing in disguise if you will.

[Slight hijack]
Any other dopers at Kings College London?
[/Hijack]

60

No, the sleeping through my alarm was in reference to a community service project I was going to be doing today. I was going to wake up early, and I was doing the project as a way of meeting people. But alas, I woke up at quarter past 9, 15 minutes after the transportation had left.

But I think the group that did the project is a club that works on community services all year long, so I’ll look into that.