For the love of all that’s good, why worry about something that hasn’t happened yet? If he’s a good man, he won’t do anything offensive. I’d wait for the proposal before I started worrying about bachelor/bachelorette parties.
IMHO, strip joints aren’t something I’d like my SO attending on a regular basis. Yeah, perhaps I’m jealous/distrustful, but it is what it is. I guess we all learn to be leery based on what we’ve learned from past experiences. It’s probably a hang-up I need to work on, but for now that’s the way I feel. I can go up against any stripper in my town on looks (not on dancing, though!!), but it would still upset me if I knew my SO was frequenting those places all the time.
Blonde… how were you hamstered (hammered?)? I’m sorry, Im too lazy to go look at the replys but if you felt like I discounted what you said, I apologize.
I do recall saying that I wasn’t stressing about it. I was just curious about other’s opinions… is that wrong? I’d rather deal with my feelings (and also learn about my bf’s feelings, like we did about the whip creamed penis yesterday) beforehand as opposed to waiting until the engagement, or even the night of the bp to face my feelings.
Your last paragraph I agree with 100%. I feel exactly the same way (while I too agree I’m much prettier than many strippers… it shouldn’t have much bearing in this conversation, don’t you think, since it won’t always be that way?).
Dog, I appreciate your advice, and incredibly impressed with how you (and mostly your wife, from what you’ve said) stuck it out through the really bad times. I know you have a strong relationship now and wouldn’t redo it for the world. My goal is to have your end result, too but we have to do it our way, which is through excessive communications in addition to trial and error.
Tster, hamstered means you typed a post, tried to post it, and it just…disappeared. The hamsters must have eaten it. The hamsters eat a lof of posts around here (hey, they need a lot of energy to run a board this size). It happens to everybody eventually, usually many, many times.
I think you’ve 0pretty much covered all teh intial questions. You know why they are popular and knew that from the beginning. You probably also knew why they were secretive. You just wanted to bring it up for debates sake. Another issue that maybe hasn’t been brought up is simply discretion. As big a “dogs” as men can be, (and I am sure this is going to be unpopular) maybe they really are trying to be somewhat discreet about their less than savory activities. Yes, to save their ass but also to save their partners feelings. Yes, yes, they could accomplish the same thing by haivng their male bonding at a putt-putt golf but that is a lot less fun…
I have given this some thought. Honestly and truly int eh context of the Studmuffin and I. On the one hand the thoght of him with another women is crushing. I am dealing with that very issue right now because as he moved from another city to my city to be with me, he decided to “say goodbye” to a couple of women he’d been dating. But - he moved to be with me.
Our relationship has been very sexually charged for years and we are both very sexually charged. I thoguht about what kind of bachelor party he would have. On the opne hand, he isn’t a wild person yet…I could see him wanting a last fling, and I could see him enojoying a lap dance very much. And I laughed aloud at the description of “dirty” lap dances…[I never knew there were any other kind] I mean the point is to grind crotches; simulated sex…otherwise what IS the point? I could actually see my Studmuffin getting off that way. Would I give my consent? Yes, I could…and why? Because it wouldn’t mean anything. BEcause I know he loves me and that is just something sleezy that wouldn’t take away from our relationship and wouldn’t lead him away from me. It wouldn’t mean he would go back to her or retunr to have another sleezy girl. He wouldn’t want a blow job because no one would be able to do him as well as I do anyway. The only thing that would really bother me is intercourse and that is just the level of intimacy. I think I would tell him that right off the bat.
Male strippers - I thought of that when I first answered this thread…they are pretty bold…at least as bold as some of the things I have seen written abotu female strippers. I have been fondled, “lap” danced, licked, oiled, slid all over, ridden, you name it. They get really crude. But the funny thing is…the girls charge a lot of money, guys do it all for roughly a dollar or five bucks a shot! LOL
I think a part of the gender difference IS the difference in the way men and women think about sex. Women tend to think more intimately about sex. Men tend to think more physically about it.
Yeah, I could let my Studmuffin have his fun. I don’t WANT to know any details thank you. So there is some merit in having things the way they stand. …At the same time, I probably wouldn’t want to tell h im all the details about the male stripper either because it certainly wouldn’t change that he is the love and light of my life.
As in, this board is really powered by hampsters frantically spinning a wheel.
I’m stunned after coming back to this thread and reading the last two pages. I’ll keep it short. But before I begin, I commend you Tster on your ability to hang in there with a reasonably civil head and keep plugging. That ability may serve you well with your bf. It wouldn’t work with all guys, of course, but everybody’s different.
There you go, that’s the only point that I was trying to make this whole thread. In case you are confused: It’s probably a hang-up I need to work on
It is and you do.
I apologize if you feel I’ve been attacking you. I’ve been attacking some of your logical positions, which appear to be clouded with emotion. But I’ve not been attacking you. We all have hangups. The mark of character is being able to overcome them.
Please refrain from comparing a once in a lifetime event of a bachelor party with the breach in intimacy involved in the following:
Such comparisons weaken your credibility.
The answer to that question is no…I wouldn’t feel a twinge. “Twinge” doesn’t begin to scratch the surface. That would be the end of the relationship. No reasonable person could defend that behavior.
I even have personal experience to cite: Three and a half years into a relationship, my SO did just this. She and he have been married for almost a decade now, with several children.
Is that a possible consequence of me and my bachelor party stripper?
My roommate wanted to have a bachelor party for one of our common friends. They went bar-hopping and such but the night culminated in a stripper coming to our house.
I wasn’t there for the action (although I did get home before she left) but I had a husband (at that time, boyfriend) who dished all. Mostly it was stripping, with some lap dances, but she also put whipped cream on her breasts and let the guys lick it off (I think for an additional fee). That’s not sex, but I know it would have crossed the line among some of my girlfriends who were dating these guys. I never told any of them what my husband revealed. I think that’s why he told me–he knew I’d stay mum.
I think I was a little surprised, because all the guys at the party were in committed relationships and they’re all well-educated professionals and all the other things that I mistakenly figured would preclude this kind of thing. Plus I naively thought that these strippers have sort of a hands-off policy. She was a beautiful girl, engaged even with a nice big rock on her finger. Didn’t seem skanky at all.
OK, I know you guys might not believe this but I actually defended this from the other side on another board (Dog can vouch for that). HE is the one that got me worried about the secrecy and lies by normally great guys. He’s the one that made me think twice about bachelor parties. I said the same thing that you did, Ellis. Its a once in a lifetime event. I said let them have their one night of fun as long as it doesn’t go to the extreme. I got bombarded with replies from men and women saying how horrible these parties were (Dog was one of them).
So what are you saying would end your relationship? A perfectly platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex that might be really friendly? That doesn’t seem trusting to me and I don’t see how it’s a breach of intimacy. You trust them or you don’t, that is what I keep being told. Apparently, he wasn’t trustworthy & you found out the hard way.
So, is the fact that I don’t want another naked woman touching my man odd or unreasonable? The fact that I don’t want him coming home hard from another woman into my bed? Some don’t mind it, I would. Maybe I’ll change after 20 years of marriage. Does it make me untrusting and controlling?
I don’t know that it makes you untrusting but I think it makes you have some unrealistic expectations that he should be aroused ONLY by you forever and ever AMEN.
When you say you don’t want him coming home hard from another woman and into your bed…well better than coming home no longer hard. To me, I don’t care where he gets that appetite if he brings it home to me…Hell Studmuffin brings me some voracious appetites and tells me sometimes what he’s thinkin’ about. I like that he feels comfortable enough to do that because I can build on it and make our sex life more interesting, do the things he likes that turn him on. If he saw a girl in a particularly stunning red lace up dress eating cherries at a bar…I’d go buy one and do the same thing…only I’d let him pick me up. IT’s a way for him to act out the fantasy with me instead of having to go search for other women. Sometimes it’s better to allow that leeway than to be so restrictive and insecure.
Tster, I find it very telling that you respond to Dogman’s post with extremely negative interpretations.
**
You issues with you first husband’s horrible violation of trust apparently did great damage to your interpersonal relationship skills. Addressing issues as they come up does NOT mean fighting. The following would be a VERY typical discussion between my wife and I.
“When you say you don’t want him coming home hard from another woman and into your bed…well better than coming home no longer hard.”
It doesn’t have to be one or the other. I’m sure that one day if he has a problem in that area (right now a wink will make him hard most of the time), I’ll be grateful for any help. Right now, that is not the case.
I want to blow the tires (pun intended) and ride the bike, too. This does not mean I will get pissed if he gets aroused from a hot girl in a bikini.
For the record, I have not been cheated on and I don’t have trust issues from my past. I expect him to have women friends and he expects me to have men friends.
I think not letting your man/woman be close platonic friends with a member of the opposite sex (because of something that happened in your past) is more damaging to a relationship than not wanting him to mud wrestle with a naked woman. BUT, it doesn’t mean either is wrong.
Please explain the purpose of you repeating your conversation about band night. My bf does MANY things without me… with men, with women. He is just as courteous and I trust him. He has season tix to the Dolphins games and goes to every home game with a big group of people and they party all day (I did not want to commit to all those games - plus I am a Giants fan - so I go to just a few games). I’m truly not sure what you were getting at. Do you think I don’t let him live his own life? That I call him every two seconds to see everything he’s doing? That’s far from the truth.
You sound like an ex-smoker extolling the virtues of quitting. I am addressing you in this thread, not that one. I couldn’t care less that you “agreed with me” somewhere else.
That is not what your hypothetical cited. This is a “new” friend, and the two are getting together for drinks multiple times a week, just the two of them, and also while the SO is out of town. That does not sound like a platonic friendship. Wait, how can I even be arguing this ridiculous hypothetical?
Based only on female responses to this thread, it puts you in the minority. Citing that as my evidence, I say yes, it makes your position unreasonable.
sigh
I’m rapidly approaching the hands-in-the-air “agree to disagree” point.
I didn’t say my SO isn’t allowed to have platonic friends. I’m saying that if she starts having drinks multiple times a week with some guy she just met at work, and sees him while I’m out of town, then yes, that is a problem. Granted, I have issues in this particular area, which I will work on. I make this personal insecurity known and try to work through my own issues without making unreasonable demands on my partner. Does that help clear it up?
appreciated your typical discussion. I could relate. We will have been married 21 years next month.
I think the thing Tster misses in this whole trust issue is respect for the judgement of your SO. Dawned on me when she questioned when I used the phrase ‘level of trust’.
We don’t need a list of rules when we trust our partner’s judgement. But we know our partner is not perfect and can expect a mistake once in a while. As long as it’s not a whopper, we can forgive and continue to focus on the positive.
One of the reasons, I believe, Tster is very ‘enthusiastic’ about this subject, at some distance before she has to deal with it personally, is a signficant fear of making any mistake in this area.
From what I’ve read, I think you have the perspective pretty much nailed, Uncle Bill. She probably has caught this from some horrible violation of trust. Whether she is overreacting is just a matter of opinion. You see this all over the place on the other board, mostly populated with women who have had serious trust issues with their man.
I think my point was made about trust. You trust them or you don’t. You have issues with other men. That’s fine & yes, you will deal with it your way and in your time.
My point was that you guys are making such a big deal that I don’t trust him enough to trust his judgement about strip clubs and yet I expect that a lot of men would have similar trust issues when it comes to other men, although it still comes down to how much you trust them. You apparently wouldn’t trust your women with another guy while you are out of town. I would trust my guy in the opposite scenario. You feel a bit of jealousy if she had drinks on occasion with other men, I feel a bit of jealousy when another naked woman touches my man. It’s that uncomfortable feeling you get and it’s not necessarily trust.
Sorry I’m frustrating you so much. I can be passionate in my arguments but I like to think I can learn from them.
I think the problem here, Tster, is that “establishing boundaries” is not something that has to happen in most healthy relationships, and this is why people are having trouble with your arguments. In my experience I have only needed to do that in relationships that were at least somewhat dysfunctional. I’ve only had partners overstep boundaries when I had chosen someone who was unsuitable for me. And this did happen quite a bit in my past, but I finally got to the point where I had worked through my issues enough that I was able to choose a partner who is truly compatible with me. UncleBill and I don’t have to have the discussion about what he would do were he to find himself with a stripper flinging her tits in his face because I know him and I know that his values coincide closely enough with mine that I have no worries about him doing something that would upset me.