If it is unnamable, indescribable, subtly non-Euclidean or just plain looks like it should not be, leave town immediately. However, you are probably already screwed.
Or Apple Pie.
It’s nice to be liked, but it’s better by far to get paid.
Preview is your friend.
Refusing to buy a size 18 is NOT going to make you magically be a size 12. Just buy the 18 already.
Don’t take advice from people on message boards.
Don’t feed the plants!
Cut the green centre out of a garlic clove, more often than not it adds bitterness to your dish.
Get skilled with a Chef’s knife and you won’t need a garlic press for fine mince.
and perhaps most importantly,
Don’t change the cycle time by more than 2 minutes per attempt, because the reactor response will go non-linear and your product yield will go into the toilet. At 1500 kg per shot weight, mistakes add up fast.
I had to become a member to post how amused I was by this. Thanks, I needed the laugh.
What exactly is a “thread”? I fear I may have signed up for some sewing cult!
Well, may as well leave my advice:
If you’re not sure it is suppose to have raisins, don’t eat it.
When your three year old says he is going to be sick, it is already too late to get the bucket.
My cousin did this. Ended up having a baby, but kept her appendix. AND THAT’S THE HONEST TRUTH.
Scratching only makes it worse.
and
Really, all you need to do in life is get your fat butt off the couch and shake it 'til you sweat.
Two new SMDB members (cbpiz and Stranger On a Train, both with their first post in a thread that has no relation to it’s title or OP! Must be a record.
Welcome to the boards cbpiz.
A thread is simply a collection of posts. A thread is started by an original post (OP), and grows as people reply. The heirarchy here at Straight Dope is Boards->Fourm (e.g. MPSIMS)->Thread(e.g. Eve, a word please)->Post (this is one!).
Do not rely on a condom when using petroleum jelly-based lubricants.
When someone asks you if you’re a god, say yes!
Don’t do what Donnie Don’t does.
Don’t panic.
Learn from Miss Stout – and always take the garbage out!
Never hit your mother with a shovel; it leaves a dull impression on her mind.
If the Frenchies say [in any language], “Fetch me the cow,” it’s time to run away. Ditto if they’re slinging shit at you…
Never head out on a drunken road trip without aspirins.
Don’t let the rural, unsophisticated, salt-of-the-earth types get you down; remember, they’re just… morons.
Trust in The Force.
Never wait in the dark in the Great Underground Empire.
z
z
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shh, I think I hear a grue. . .
If you’re tired of waking up grouchy, just let him sleep.
My dog says this is his life motto:
If you can’t eat it…
or f*ck it…
then piss on it. 
Class definitions end with a semicolon, and remember to choose a standard convention for variable and function names.
When travelling or in bed, do not be ashamed to ask for directions.
Generic is usually worse than brand name. It’s up to you to decide what your money is worth.
College is infinitely cooler than high school.
Set your watch 5 minutes fast. This ensures that you get places on time.