Wow. Another classic save-face maneuver. You find out that you may have possibly done something wrong, and you attack the person who says it. Maybe you guys are meant for one another.
I “baited” him? Wtf? He’s not some retarded 10 year old boy. He’s said the same thing to me dozens of times, was he “baiting” me as well?
Some people are obviously ok with their friends sending them unlabeled close-ups of their sexually aroused genitals, that’s fine, whatever suits you. I’m not one of those people. The only things I’ve ever said to him about the whole thing was that I felt hurt and wasn’t sure if I could get past it by just ignoring it. I never said a single nasty thing to him.
Anyway, above all else, I am allowed to feel how I feel. My friend of 10 years understands, some people on a message board, who don’t know either of us, think differently. There’s nothing I can do about how others feel or what they think.
Like I said, there’s nothing I can do about what you think.
My thought is still “What’s the big fucking deal?” but I’m flabbergasted by BigT and Spark. You’ve got to be a social retard to not understand that something is a silly joke between friends. He was hoping Floaty would react positively to his come on and she didn’t. That’s that. Come the fuck on.
I would disagree with this, in life we have to try new things, but need discernment on the heart of the people we trust. In this case there was some pain but they were eventually able to come together, not forgetting the issue, but healing it.
An important lesson I have learned from my experiences is I can express being hurt without blame the person the hurt came through.
I would chuckle, and, with a smile on my face, say “Oh, no! You see where that got us last time!”
If he pursues it, just tell him that it makes you really uncomfortable since the ‘snapshot incident’, so let’s just move on to other topics, shall we?
It would have been hilarious if Flotay’s friend had gone and bought one of those novelty shop costumes like this (SFW) and pretended to be naked or something. Or even posed with a construction paper fig leaf as a joke, but the extremely graphic nature of the photos shows incredibly poor judgment.
It sounds like he misinterpreted their in-joke, if he is indeed truly socially, horribly inept, and was probably utterly horrified and wished he was dead when the response was very bad. It really is the kind of thing where you want to say to the guy: “Seriously, what were you thinking???”
The thing about banter is, everyone enjoys it. When you talk it up, as in, on going teasing of, ‘send me naked pictures’, sooner or later, drunk or sober, somebody is getting naked pictures. Because people are people and men are sometimes boneheads and they drink often. If you want to banter like an edgy, sexy tart, you need to have a thicker skin. Sooner or later, if you keep pushing the joke, something will go awry, seems to me. It makes you come across a little high maintenance, sitting in the parlor, no doubt fanning yourself, awaiting an apology for his ungentlemanly conduct.
He sent you a birthday gift because he missed you and felt badly, I’m sure. I am so glad you did not hold out for a ‘formal’ apology, and that your friendship came through intact! Congrats.
This is the last I will say on the topic.
Again, I have never EVER said “send me naked picture” or “send cock pics”. We** BOTH** have said the same thing to EACHOTHER for 10 YEARS.
Do you know how often people get new gadgets like cameras, cell phones, video cameras, webcams? Between two people, very very often. We BOTH say it to each other.
Again, it’s the same thing I say to my MOM and GRANDMA and I can assure you, I’m not “hinting” or “baiting” or “teasing” them for naked pictures.
Ok so this didn’t happen:
Me: “why I declare, I’d just love it if you would send me naked pictures of yourself, please send me cock pics, I’d love for you to send naked pictures.”
Him: “hot-diggity-dog!!! It’s my lucky day!” rub rub rub…click
Me: “heaven help me, lord have mercy, rape!rape!rape! I feel a swoon coming on…” passes out on couch
Him: " I loooove you so much and you misled me into thinking you really wanted to see my manhood. I am a poor, misled bastard who has only ever loved you and you treat me so poorly even though I loooooove you so much. Forgive me! Forgive me my love!"
Me: “Begone ville pervert!” Mwahahahahah! stupid little fool, I tricked him good!
What did happen:
Me: “oh I got a new camera for my birthday”
Him: “oooohhhh now you can send naked pics!”
Him: “I got an awesome new phone, I can download music and take pictures with it!”
Me: “ooohhhhh now you can send naked pics!”
Him at Christmas: “I got a new camera from my mom”
Me: “ooooohhhh now you can send naked pics!”
Him in March rub rub rub…click!
Me: :eek: “dude! what the fuck?”
Him: “well, you asked for it”
Me: “uh, no I didn’t”
Him: “I’m not talking to you anymore”
Me: “Whatever”
Three months later I get gift. Post a message asking for some advice and get accused of all sorts of things.
Not quite. The reason several people, including myself, were frustrated with your (IMO) wildly exaggerated and overly dramatic sense of “violation” was that many people with a shred of common sense could have seen that dick picture coming down 5th Avenue based on your self described history of your interaction with him. Your overly cutesy description above of the way you interact with him only reinforces this.
The fact that you keep maintaining that none of this was foreseeable, and that he should have known it was all a big, long term game that would never be “real”, and he broke the rules by taking it to the next level, and actually sending you a naked picture of himself makes you (to be frank) seem kind of willfully oblivious to the reality of male-female relationships where there is a known subtext of sexual or emotional attraction.
Your friend is not a pet eunuch. He may have anxiety issues, and live with his mother, and be willing to chat you up for hours on end, but he is still a man. Did you ever stop and think that his willingness to indulge your appetite for endless texting and conversation is not because he enjoys lengthy chats with you (most men have limited toleration for this) but because he has a severe crush on you and that’s what he has to do to get your attention.
It takes two to tango and you need to stop posting as a victim in this. He’s back in line now like a good little boy because he still carries a candle for you, and these are your rules of engagement, but you need to stop and think for moment if you are being fair to him given his social limitations. If his unrequited fantasy of you two being together is never, ever going to come true you need to be very blunt with him, and have him overtly acknowledge this. Otherwise you really are just playing him by letting him keep fooling himself, and that is cruel thing to do to desperate people with few options.
The truth comes out. I’m disappointed in you.
***and change your behavior with him. *** Otherwise he will not accept what you say.
Yikes, you really believe all of this? How is she responsible for his inability to tell her how he feels?
I’ll say that she might have been a bit naive to think that it wouldn’t eventually come to this, but you (and a few others) seem to want to paint her as this manipulative cocktease who is leading this poor fella on.
He is FORTY years old. If he isn’t able to say to her “Look, I like talking to you but this has got to be leading somewhere or we need to dial this back so I can find someone else” then how on earth is SHE responsible for this? Oh I know you didn’t say that she was responsible, but it’s clearly there in your rant. It’s the temptress harlot’s fault for “doing this” to the poor, miserable bastard.
Even if I’m to believe that she is being WILLFULLY oblivious and because of his anxiety/depression he is completely unable to respect himself enough to not be walked on, how is HIS failure HER responsibility? Someone can only treat you like shit if you let them. If he truly is unable at this stage in his life then he needs counseling for a whole lot more than anxiety and living in squalor. Regardless, that is not her responsibility.
As for the word violation, it doesn’t always mean something sexual. In this situation he sent a sexual-in-nature picture to her that she didn’t want, that’s true. Maybe I’m just reading my own views into this like so many of you seem to be, but I thought of violation in the trust way.
Seriously, y’all. This is a GROWN-ASS MAN. He can make his own decisions and be a damned adult. People got some issues up in this thread.
Also, normal people realize that while penises can be fun, they are also dog-ass ugly and nobody particularly wants the Mr. Wizard-style macro photo. He’s lucky to get a learning experience of this in a relatively safe environment.
Is there really a Hallmark card for all occasions?
Adults can play all the games they want, however, if one person is going to posture themselves as a “violated” party who has been done wrong when a mutual long term game of trading sexual innuendos and teases comes to a head, and one person steps over the line, the “OMG A penis! Why? How? I trusted you! Oh the humanity!” Kabuki dance is what’s annoying.
They can play this game forever if they wish. However, in playing the game he is somewhat handicapped by his unilateral crush on her. I do think it is important that she lets him know in no uncertain terms he will never get to his desired goal line.
Handicapped by his unilateral crush on her? That’s ten times more hilarious than her using the word violated.
Poor, poor middle aged man who doesn’t realize by now after TEN FREAKING YEARS that she’s just his friend. Why yes, I can see why you think he’s so put upon. The poor dear.
Here’s her description of him.
Per her description he does not sound (IMO) like a fully competent adult, but rather like someone who has significant psychological issues that have affected his quality of life and his ability to have normal relationships. Over time he has apparently developed a crush on her. I do think in this circumstance, with this individual, she does need to be brutally clear and direct with him about what the limits of that relationship are going to be.
I agree with this…
and this.
You are handing the responsibility to her to deal with his feelings for him. There are a lot of people with social anxiety issues and many of them are not able to work because of them. That is unfortunate but it does not mean that he is not a fully competent adult in other ways. You are assuming that is so without any evidence at all.
What’s worse is that with this assumption you have decided that she is the guilty party and that she somehow owes him because he seems to care for her in a way she does not care for him. I’m not sure where this owing starts or stops, but it seems to make a few men in this thread fairly angry. If he’s as broken as you’re alluding to then I’m not sure he should be in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone until he gets some help.
I have male friends that I’ve known a long time. Over the years I’m sure there have been jokes which are sexual in nature although I can’t recall any off the top of my head. If any of them decided to send me a picture of their erect penis I’d be livid.
This man knows now that she did not appreciate his photo. It should be crystal clear to him that his advances are unwelcome. If he is still willing to enter back into a friendship with her then it is he who is responsible for his feelings, not her. She has already made it clear to him when she became so angry about the picture. She is not required to remind him over and over again that she doesn’t want to be with him romantically. If she did remind him over and over there would be an entirely different set of people in here condemning her for being cruel and arrogant.