All she “owes” him is the truth and the clarity that there will never be a “them”. His sad little overture of sending his penis picture out makes it crystal clear that he does not have emotional clarity on this issue. For better or worse there is a huge power imbalance in a relationship where one person is crushing and the other is not. Regardless of whether he’s 14 or 40 she needs to tell him very unequivocally that there is no future, ever, for the two of them as a couple.
Given the context of the relationship I hardly see this as an unbearable duty for her to undertake, but the vibe I’m getting from you is that asking her to do anything like this is simply unimaginable. Your intense negative reaction to the notion of it being the ethical thing to do to be utterly direct with him almost makes me think there actually might be something to the silly Ladder Theory.
Intense reaction? Hmmm, I think I’m starting to understand your sympathy for this man. I think you may have a bit of a hard time detecting emotion (or lack thereof) as well. The only thing intense I’ve felt in this thread is intense amusement when you said “Handicapped by his unilateral crush on her.”
Ah yes the Ladder Theory. Something invented by someone who couldn’t accept that not everyone is going to be attracted to you just because you are attracted to them. Naturally the place I see it most brought up is here on the Straight Dope, home of the “This waitress smiled at me when she brought me my food so I think she wants me to ask her out” threads.
So Floaty please, pretty please with sugar on top… please tell this guy AGAIN that you are only going to be his friend and that isn’t going to change, would ya? Oh I know there will be some who say that now you’re just rubbing his nose in it since you just shot him down over his uber romantic dick-pic but tell him one more time in case he thinks that maybe after fifteen years you’ll finally give in. No sense in forcing the poor, dear bastard to wait another five years. I’m sure just as soon as you tell him again everyone will say you’ve done the right thing (ha!)
I already did back in November and I even said I did in this very thread!
But, as you know, people will read only what they want to read. And, as I also said in this thread, I’ve learned that with him I have to spell things out because he’s not good at picking up social cues.
What I told him was that as things are now, with him living with his mom and not working, there is no future for the two of us. I did tell him that for there to be any chance, he has to, at minimum, have his own place and a job. I didn’t hint at anything, I told him straight up how it was.
I also said that, in the meantime, if I meet someone and am interested in them, I am going to date them and he should do the same. If he did meet someone who would date him and accept things how they are right now, I would be happy for him, I told him this.
That’s all I can do is tell him exactly how things are, I can’t control his thoughts or actions. And he’s not some dummy either. He has two degrees from the University of British Columbia, one in economics and the other is in some sort of politics thingy, I’m not sure.
So now everyone in the thread will be happy, right?
Glad things worked out, but be careful in the future just because it’s the considerate thing to do.
That being said, I’m still goggling at the idea that there are grown men out there who think it’s remotely appropriate to send the object of your affection a penis picture without crystal clear knowledge that it wouldn’t cause offense. I would be pissed off if my husband sent a penis picture to my cell (someone could see it- holy crap!), let alone someone I’m not even dating. Where the heck does this idea come from?
One of my favorite Doper pastimes is to note ‘this is the last think I will post on this subject’ remarks and calculate the interval until the person next posts.
Less than six hours in this case. Very impressive.
As you quoted, I said it was the last I’d say on that topic. I said it like that for a reason. My next post was about a different topic. I didn’t even mention anything about my OP.
Don’t you see, you’re still doing it. I totally agree that he made a really bad call by sending you that picture, but he’s obviously smitten with you. And whatever logic he used to convince himself it was a good idea is going to keep trying to convince him that he has a shot with you as long as you keep telling him things like this.
You tell us that you’ve been upfront with him about the fact that he’s ONLY A FRIEND, but then you turn around and say, “Wellllll… I mean, if you had your own place, and if you got a job, then, I mean, maybe I’d go on a date with you.”
I’m not trying to pile on, and like I said, it was uber-creepy to send you that pic (especially the way you described it in the OP, ewww), BUT. Whatever level this guy is working on isn’t going to let him extinguish this torch he has for you as long as you keep baiting him like this. No offense, but it sounds like you like the attention.
That’s not what I said, at all. I did tell him in November that, at minimum, he has to get a job and not live with his mom for me to consider dating him.
That is the truth. I’m very fond of him but there is no future with a 40 year old man who has no job and lives with his mom. If he had his own place and a job, I would date him in a heartbeat.
I am done with the whole picture, dick, camera topic. That was what my op was about.
Lol, I thought the “mmm” was you making a sound like a lady with a hand on one hip and wagging her finger going “mmm”. I just realized it’s for your name.
Not enough time to edit. I think maybe you didn’t read that I had that conversation with him last November. Are you thinking I just said this to him today?
Question to the guys–would seeing a picture of a dripping vagina from a female friend (who you’re not interested in dating) skeeve you or make you feel violated? Or would it just be more of a, “Huh. Vagina.”
Well that was the thing. Normal people don’t do that.
I think the vast majority of men believe the guy was wrong to do what he did, but what got me was the whole OMGIMSOVIOLATEDDONTYOUKNOWABOUTMY PAST histrionics. If she has a problem with sexual issues in her life, then what the royal blue fuck is she doing even engaging in jokes about issues that might well lead down to areas she doesn’t want to get into? It is a whole boat load of neurotic self-victimhood. The followup wounded/defensive behavior with him and in this thread only clinches it.
It’s all fun and games until someone steps across the imaginary line.
EDIT: response to pic “Well, now I know what I’m getting myself into”
I think it is obvious that you two need to take your relationship to its usual conclusion, and start dating! Enough with the Harry met Sally moments, it appears that you care for him and are interested in him, and he feels the same way about you. Why live such a complicated life? Keep us posted!
