I STILL like:
I lost my virginity…but I still have the container it came in.
Exactly. Virginity does go away. So why is it such a big deal? I don’t know. It isn’t any kind of deal to me. I don’t care whether my prospective SO is still a virgin at thirty or had a long list of lovers by twenty. I’m going to be curious about why in either case, but that has nothing to do with the person and everything to do with the fact that I’m freaking nosy (though I manage to rein it in). Some people may view “breaking someone in” as too much responsibility. Whatever their reason is, there’s nothing wrong with it, unless it’s some irrational thing, like a guy I know who vowed not to date any more virgins because they became “too attached” once they lost their virginity to you. WTF? I would be inclined to feel complimented that someone chose me for their first, but that’s just me.
LOL! But no, actually: no backhanded anything was intended. 
I know that you’re a big boy and can stick up for yourself, but Miller seemed a little uncharacteristically hypocritical and I figured I’d say something. Didn’t mean to accidentally insult you in the process.
Ah, okay. I guess I missed the implied “for me” in your statement, because you followed it up by questioning the reasoning of “a lot of people in that other thread.” You’ve made some statements in this thread that were clearly just “for you,” but that one sounded like you were wondering why anyone would think the way you don’t anymore. Sorry for the poor reading comprehension skills. :smack:
I don’t see how it’s a hijack (the “I don’t really mean to bring this debate up again” line in the OP is disingenuous at best), but whate’er.
Like people never change their religion, or quit smoking? Perhaps those weren’t perfect analogies, but you can’t deny that being a virgin – especially at 30+ – says something about the virgin’s personality. It’s not like Guy A and Guy B can be absolutely identical except that one of them’s a virgin.
You make it sound like I’m trying to start some kind of “don’t date virgins” army or something. So far I’m the only person in this thread who has expressed this opinion … how many of “us” do you think there are? Tons of women out there don’t agree with me: blame them for your extended virginity, not me.
Well, I kind of see that guy’s point. Am I truly the only person who sees any downside to “deflowering” virgins?
(And is this the Bizarro SDMB or something? I’m suddenly feeling defensive around Dopers I generally admire and usually agree with . . . this kind of sucks. :()
I really had no idea this would be such a “hot button” issue! I missed the first thread that the OP references. Would it be a zombie thread if I went back and looked at it now (and maybe asked Miller to answer my question there)? Could someone provide a link, please?
Well, it’s not that I don’t see his point. He was overgeneralizing a bit, is all. He got a little unlucky in that he encountered some incredibly clingy people, and so expanded that to “all virgins will immediately glom onto me.”
Keep in mind that I’m disgustingly romantic about things that I probably shouldn’t be romantic about, though, which I’m sure colors my perceptions. I’m also probably hopelessly stupid, but what are the downsides to deflowering people, in your view? I mean, I can see that a virgin might not be that good, or might get attached, but experienced people can do that too. I don’t think those are what you mean, or at least not all of them.
I think I still am subscribed to that thread, so I can dig for the link in a bit. Was it this one? When does virginity and age become weird? (Offshoot of What’s sexier)
Virgins make better lovers.
I can do an English accent.
I’m a 46 year old virgin. I think it’s really important that I set a good example for my three children…
I was a somewhat late virgin – 25 when I did the deed. It was mostly lack of opportunity. When I got the chance, I went for it. Fortunately the guy in question didn’t think it was weird. One of the few positive things about him.
I WANTED to when I was 18, but my boyfriend at the time wasn’t ready. Weird, huh?
I think it’s info that should be shared up front. It’s something would have been a deal breaker for me. A lot of times I wasn’t exactly looking for a relationship so virginity would have been a deal breaker for me. A virgin was too much responsibility. After a certain age, I think you also have to start wondering what’s wrong with a person. If she was even reasonably attractive, I would worry that she was a religious freak or had some kind of mental health issues or something. That should go double for male virgins. Guys usually aren’t virgins because they want to be, and I suspect that many of the ones who claim to be chaste for religious reasons are really just gay and using religion as a cover for why they won’t sleep with women.
After a really bad experience with dating a guy who was still a virgin, I wouldn’t do it again. There’s a long, long list of reasons and many of them are my own personal views, but I figure that those views I hold are enough to cause a problem in the relationship so it’s just wiser for me to steer clear of the virgins.
I didn’t really want to be anybody’s first when I started dating him, and now that I’ve been down that road once, I’m definitely not going again.
Wow, I came into this thread because I was interested in the topic, but I’ve really stuck around for all the spanking talk. I’m a naughty girl too, but I wasn’t always. 
Ok, I probably was, but I also was a virgin until I was 25.
I didn’t mean to wait that long, but it always came down to this: none of the people I wanted to date/have sex with wanted me, and vice versa. After awhile, the virginity itself became a much larger issue in my own mind because I didn’t want that to be the elephant in the room if I ever met someone I really wanted a relationship with.
Eventually I got fed up with feeling that because I’d never had sex, I was never going to be able to, so I went out and slept with someone once, no strings, just to get it out of the way. That turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. While it wasn’t “good” on any level, it made me feel better. I did it and it was done and it wasn’t a big deal.
A few months later I started dating my now-husband, and it was much easier than it probably would have been to tell him I didn’t have much real experience, but I wasn’t actually a virgin. It turned out he’d only been with one girl before anyway, so we were both in a situation where the initial deed was done so there wasn’t a big THING about that, but we still had a great time learning how to do things together. We didn’t have end up with a deal where one of us felt like the teacher and had to take the lead all the time. Hell, we were both really excited to be getting any at all, and we were (and are) madly in love, which made it wonderful and exciting and a mutual adventure.
I guess my point is that it’s possible for adult virgins to eventually get over it and have a satisfying relationship with an understanding person. Sure, plenty of older virgins are still that way due to huge neuroses, but there are plenty of people who have had tons of sex who are just as neurotic and undateable. Like in any relationship, the secret is to have the right combination of people who really want to make it work. Sex is obviously a huge factor in romantic relationships, but it isn’t the only factor.
Diogenes, when you say that information should be shared “upfront”, when do you mean? Should the virgin be wearing a badge of some sort? Exactly when does it become your business how much sex the person has or hasn’t had? I don’t think it’s a good idea to make that one element a dealbreaker. I speak from personal experience when I say that just because someone has little or no experience when you meet them doesn’t mean they won’t be able to suck the chrome off a Buick with a little encouragement and practice. 
A friend of mine in college once said what I think was the wisest thing regarding losing one’s virginity I’ve ever heard:
“The experience gained was infinitely more valuable than the experience had.”
Ha! How true. I wish I had that needlepointed on a pillow somewhere.
When I say “up front,” I guess I mean once the relationship gets to a point where there’s any chance of physical intimacy or if it becaomes obvious that the other person expects (or at least desires) that the relationship will become sexual.
It wasn’t a presumed lack of ability that made me say virginity would have been a deal breaker, it was the lack of desire for the emotional responsibility of being someone’s first. I don’t think it would be fair to take someone’s virginity if I don’t care about them on a level beyond the physical. I didn’t want to cause a woman any emotional pain by treating her first time as a meaningless casual encounter (which was all I was interested in before i met my wife).
I also think that if there is a religious component, then that should be shared (even if the virginity is referred to only obliquely) because strong religious or philosophical views can play a significant role in compatability.
I definitely agree with this.
It’s not exactly information that I’m shy about giving, but somehow I don’t see over a first dinner saying, “Oh, and by the way, I’ve never had sex.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. (heh.) And what if that virgin was me, who goes through phases of just wanting to find someone for a one night stand just to get the whole virginity thing over with? (Yes, I saw your later post. As further explicated there, I agree with your reasoning. However.)
AARGH! I hate this thinking. Absolutely hate it.
The only thing wrong with me is that I’m picky, and (despite the paragraph above) unlikely to sleep with someone I don’t know and trust. But - oh, no - there must be something wrong with me because I haven’t located that someone yet. :rolleyes:
Yes. There are some people who are still virgins at late ages due to religious freakishness or who have mental health issues. There are others who simply haven’t lost their virginity due to lack of opportunity, or simple choosiness.
Just like there are people out there who have a lot of sex due to mental health issues, though I can’t immediately come up with anyone having a lot of sex due to religious freakishness. I assume people in category b are out there, though.
Honestly.
Ack. There should have been something indicating humor after my first sentence.
It’s precisely the ‘phases’ that creates a problem. I don’t want to deal with the fallout if I have casual sex with a virgin because they’re in a ‘get it over with’ phase, and then they decide a couple of days or weeks later that it was just a phase and they’re really emotional about it.
Why should it go double for male virgins? You said yourself that “Guys usually aren’t virgins because they want to be.” If a female virgin walks into a room and asks all the guys to have sex with her, and a male virgin walks into a room and asks all the girls to have sex with him, guess who’s going to lose their virginity first?
Guess which one has the higher chance of still not losing it at all?
Oh, and Misnomer,
What do you expect when you make such an ignorant and offensive comment as this one?
That’s pretty similar to what happened with me. I’d been “waiting” for some vague reason through high school and college and then after college I just started to feel like what the hell am I waiting for? I was talking with one of my guy friends about the subject (What? Doesn’t sex come up in all of your conversations??) and, well, he offered (or maybe I asked… not sure on the details) so we did.
And I was really glad that it happened that way. It was with someone I liked and trusted and it really was a lot of fun. Definitely goes in the “good memory” column.
As to the OP, I’m not sure if it’d be a deal breaker for me, but I’m definitely more attracted to guys with some experience. No, it’s not like you can tell just by looking, but if the subject comes up, I kinda like to hear about previous experience. It can be… um… stimulating.