I’m not sure I have a lot useful to add, but I wanted to reinterate the following points.
Confidence is important. It’s hard for others to like you if you don’t like yourself. Find something you enjoy doing and do it. Don’t worry too much about trying to meet someone during these activities, enjoy them because you enjoy them. This helps your self esteem, if for no other reason then helping assure yourself, here is something that helps you feel fulfilled even if you aren’t in a relationship(and it helps when you are asked on a date “What do you like to do for fun?”)
If you meet someone during these activies you think you’d be interested in(or you are interested in), then feel free to go up and introduce yourself, make small talk, maybe ask them to lunch sometime. Remember, the worst thing they can do is say “no”. Remember, perception is often worse then reality(and I can testify to this, considering I sometimes get easily intimidated for no good reason, despite knowing this). Remember, if they are sane people, the worse you are going to get is a simple “no”. The laughing and pointing stuff only happens if the person is a total asshole(in which case rejection is a relief because you really don’t want to be around said people) or in your mind.
Tying in with the first two, don’t sweat the small stuff. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone screws up. Most of the time it isn’t a big deal. There are other girls out there, so one that doesn’t want to go out with you just means that’s one less to ask. Try not to take rejection personally.
I think that your problem is a fear of rejection. I know how you feel. I hate rejection too, but do you hate it worse than not getting what you want. True story, I had a friend who was short, dumpy, had bad skin, and a speech impediment. He almost always had a girlfriend. His secret, he didn’t care about rejection. We went out one night, and he must have hit on ten different women. When he got rejected, he picked himself up and he tried again. At some point it worked. You get used to it and you move on. If you always live in fear of rejection and avoid things, you’ll never get to experience anything. Don’tbe embarassed to go the gym. A lot of people are going to be out of shape and trying to get into shape.
Social circles are not set in stone in college. I went abroad my junior year, and when I came back, it seemed that my friends and I had moved in different directions. I wound up with a completely different circle of friends who were very different. People are constantly expanding their circle of friends in college because they are changing and growing.
I’m going to suggest a yoga class. They are full of women and you’ll be more flexible.
Ok, it’s not that I’m unhappy being me. I am…usually. I have a nice group of friends I’ve made here who I love to talk and joke with during class and while at lunch. I’m taking Computer Science because programming was the one thing I did in high school that actually interested me. In order to meet more people, I joined Circle K here at me school. It’s the college level of Kawanis and we do a lot of community service. I’ve made some pretty good friends in the club too, and they are all such nice people (the people I had been hoping to meet in college all along). The club president and vice-president took me under their wings almost immediately and are grooming me to replace one of them during the next elections in April.
I get good grades, I don’t drink or smoke, I respect people who respect me in return, and I feel that I’m doing great things with my free time by being in the community service club. What I am unsatisfied about is the type of people here at school. I wrongfully hoped that Drexel would be different from other schools, but it isn’t. I’m on a floor of absolute idiots who regularly trash the place and get way too rowdy at night, since apparently my roommate and I are the only ones with morning classes. I chose to come here in hopes that I would make more female friends than I could have back at school near my home. The female to male ratio is not in my favor and a large quantity of the girls seem to be rowdy partying ditzes, at least from the ones I see out and about.
The major problem is that no matter where I turn, I see sex. People my age talking about it because they get to have it, magazines with articles about “having better sex,” books, tv shows, movies, you name it. Even here, the threads about sex get so lengthy and in detail, and it’s discussed how necessary sex is to maintain a healthy lifestyle, yet at the same time you try to reassure people like me that it’s not the be-all-end-all of existence. Well, for something of such little inportance in a relationship, you all sure do talk about it and celebrate it enough.
And all of this compounds in my mind and I’m led to believe that by society’s standards, I’m not normal. I should be a normal American teen having sex and being in relationships, because everyone else is, right? I’m getting left behind apparently. And the longer it will take for that “special girl” to come into my life, the farther behind I’ll be. The older I get, the harder it will be to meet those media standards of “what girls look for in a mate.” I mean, how do I appropriately approach a potential relationship with someone who has so much more mileage than I do?
I know that’s easy for me to tell you, since it’s your life we’re talking about, but seriously, stop worrying about it.
You are probably going to be a “late bloomer.” I know a lot of people like that. Hell, I’m definitely like that.
Let me give you a story that you probably won’t think relates, but it relates perfectly. Trust me. It’s long and drawn-out, though—I warn you!
I learned how to drive late in life. By “late in life” I mean I was in my mid-20s before I started to drive. In L.A., that’s positively ancient. (Hell, anywhere, that’s positively ancient!)
There were a lot of reasons for me taking so long to learn, but one of them was the pressure people put on me. It was a HUGE deal. And in a way, it was. Trust me—if you think you feel “left out” because you’re not having sex, imagine how it feels to take the damned bus everywhere and have to explain that no, you simply don’t know how to drive. I’m not diminishing the no-sex thing, but it’s a private matter and people aren’t apt to ask you about it. People ask about why you can’t drive all the damned time and they will give you grief about it.
Anyway, after a while I started to build up in my mind that people who knew how to drive were somehow more special. They had this special skill. This special “something.” And that driving was something that was daunting and scary. (Well, it is scary, especially on the 405, but that’s a different subject . . . ) I automatically felt that those who could drive had more going for them than me and that I was somehow messed up and I’d never “catch up.”
Well, finally, I took some professional driving lessons. (I’ll never forget my driving teacher, Marvin. Hi, Marvin!) Marvin was such a great teacher and believe it or not, I did pretty well in my lessons. I’ll never forget the first time I got on the freeway. Here I was, a completely new driving student. And all around me were these dolts and morons driving badly on the freeway. (Marvin made comments about the bad drivers as well.) And then it was like the scales were lifted from my eyes. All this time I had figured that driving was this extraordinary thing, this exceptional accomplishment, and yet here I was, surrounded by a bunch of driving MORONS. Amazing!
See, in a way, driving is like sex, playing the piano, shooting hoops or any other accomplishment that you can’t do but others around you can (or are—I won’t say that you “can’t” have sex, obviously!). You build it up into something more than it is. Certainly it’s a great and wondrous thing when you first drive on that freeway, first have sex, play your first piano piece, but after you’ve actually done it, you realized that you just built it up too much in your mind.
And as far as never being able to catch up because you’re a “late bloomer”—phooey on that too. For instance, I may have learned to drive “late in life,” but I made up for it in sheer mileage. While I don’t hold any records for long-distance driving, I’ve driven (all by myself) all over the damned place. 10-12+ hours on the road, bah! Nothing! On unfamiliar freeways and highways? Child’s play! And yet there are those around me who have driven since they were 15 1/2 and they don’t have a fraction of the adventuresome spirit I do on the road. They’re afraid to go anywhere but to work, the store, and home again.
See what I’m trying to say here? DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. It will happen when it happens. Don’t feel like you’re somehow messed up. When you finally “catch up,” it’ll all become clear to you. And another thought before I conclude this ramble: remember that while many of your schoolmates are getting wasted and frittering away their college years, you are nurturing a good character and are accomplishing many other things that are worthwhile. This will make you a more attractive person in the long run. This will make you attractive to the right kind of girl in the long run—someone with whom you have a lot in common, and also someone who won’t give a rat’s ass how much time you’ve spent in (or out) of the sack.
So stop worrying about it. Honestly. Stop. Worrying.
All I can add is my personal experience with shy guys. At first, I met this guy and he was just a friend of a friend of a friend (really). We spent more and more time together and had fun - as friends. After a couple years(!), I realized how much I cared for this person and how much I wanted to spend my life with him. We’re now happily married and he’s still my best friend. He wasn’t as experienced as I was in the relationship department, but that made me feel even more special.
Monkey, take heart and know that there are a lot of women out there that don’t think much of “experienced” men and that true love is not always a bolt out of the sky. I love my nerd very, very much and am very glad we had the time to know each other. Sure, some experiences were awkward and clumsy (on both our parts), but being so comfortabe with each other made everything OK.
Hang in there, look past the shallow people around you and know that the shy women are out there. They’re sitting in their rooms and wondering the same things about themselvs that you are (I speak from experience).
Okay, I think I see the problem. You are looking at this the wrong way. Sex and relationships are not a race. Qauntity doesn’t matter. The people who have had 1000 partners before they die do not get any special prize, and are going to die just as surely as everyone else.
Experience is important, but experience can easily be gained once you actually start having girlfriends. Also, the amount you gain depends on what you learn from the relationship. Some people never seem to learn and keep making the same mistakes, going through partner after partner. Others get it right the first time(but they are rare). There is no such thing as “catching up”, and a lot of your dormmates may be miserable with their 5th wife while you are in the 2nd decade(and going strong) with your first(and maybe only) marriage.
Yeah. Both my parents and my sister were not exactly party animals, but both have had happy and enduring marriages. And both couples were “late bloomers.”
And I can go back to my driving story. I may not be the best driver (or most adventuresome) but I certainly have “made up for lost time.” Quality, not quantity. Like HPL says, there are people who start young but never seem to get it right, while there are people who start “late” but pick up on the essentials quickly. And there’s nothing wrong with a nerd. My late father, bless him, was as nerdy as they get. (He collected stamps and butterflies. And he made it sound cool. Hell, it was cool!)
And with my driving—I can’t tell you how many times people have said, “Oh, I couldn’t drive where you have driven.” “I’d be too afraid to do that.” Now, trust me, I’m no where near a whiz with driving and road trips, but still, these people were impressed with all the places I’d driven to. Little did they know that they probably have 10 years driving experience on me. But what difference does it make? Who cares? Everyone’s unique.
We’ve been through this before, Soapbox Monkey. Your issue is not sex. Your issue is feeling incredibly down on life.
First the good news: Shy, quiet guys like you and me are very good people for long term relationships. We’re top-grade marriage material, as once we find our Special Someone, we will stay together with them for life – and for living.
Now the hard part: Guys like you and me become that top-grade marriage candidate through hard work to develop our late-blooming interpersonal skills. For whatever reason, we grew up interested in intellectual matters, and never really learned how to relate well with other people. And now that it’s relevant, we don’t know how.
So what do you do about it? There’s two things you can do. And you’re already doing the same techniques in class.
Learn.
Practice.
LEARN – Log off the computer NOW, and slowly step away. Then walk yourself right over to the student counseling center, and ask to see a counselor AT ONCE. (Don’t let the receptionist tell you to come back later – make clear that your situation is pretty dang urgent.) Tell the counselor that you want an evaluation for depression and for interpersonal issues. I know this first step is hard, yet you will eventually feel better for having taken it. Do you agree that it’s better for you to talk to someone trained to help you with your issues, than to gripe about it every month on the Internet?
PRACTICE – Take a good look at my signature, at the end of this post. Then go read the linked thread. Visualize yourself sending valentine cards to about 20 people on this message board. Then visualize your campus mailbox full of valentine cards in return. How will you feel when you get the cards?
I’ll check back this afternoon to hear how your counseling session went. Hang in there, dude – you’re not the first person to feel depressed and isolated. There is a way out.
I’m just going to jump in here and give you something positive to think about. Look at all the interest, interaction and sharing of opinions you’ve managed to create with your post. It’s not a huge jump to be able to do that in person with a mixed group by asking pertinent questions and listening in an interested way to the answers. You can even make up the questions in advance and rehearse them. as long as they are universal enough. They might even be questions that you yourself already have and just would like a little input on, not unlike what you did with your post. Lastly, as far as overcoming shyness, we’ve all been there whether we like to admit it or not (or maybe some of us are just too old to remember!). One of the keys is to practice in what may be perceived to be a hostile environment. Every time you get through without dying is a victory and the next encounter is not as life-threatening. Good Luck.
Monkey, why are you looking for The One? You aren’t going to find her if you focus so hard. Relationships are nice but they ARE NOT the most important part of life.
Who cares if a girl turns you down? Obviously she’s not right for you. Your fear of embarassment is preventing you from going out and exploring the world around you. You aren’t going to die of embarrassment.
I used to be really shy and reserved. I’d freak out if a guy talked to me. If a guy touched me, I’d think about it for days, like “oh my god does he like me? what does this mean?” I thought everyone was judging me.
The most important thing I think I’ve ever learned is this:
99.9% of people don’t care about you. They aren’t watching you. You are not the focus of everyone’s day. People don’t sit around and laugh about you.
So you go to the gym and other people are there. Big deal. They are not watching you. Random people do not care about other random strangers. If you ask out a random girl and she turns you down, big effin’ deal. Let it go. So get out of the hole you’ve placed yourself into and go do something.
This is a really good idea, Soapbox. While talking with a counselor won’t make everything better all at once, one might be able to work with you on things like talking to girls and being able to try a sport or go to the gym when there might be other people around.
raz, that’s so very true. The corollary of that is that people like the same things that you like. If you like someone to come up to you at a party and start talking with you so you don’t feel so awkward, other people would like you to do the same thing. I used to worry about being a bother to other people, or that people wouldn’t care about what I was talking about or it would sound stupid, but people really don’t care about that. Most people (the non-bitches) are more than happy to talk to another human being.
I hear ya Soapbox. I’m 18 and haven’t been in a relationship either. Hell, I hardly even have any friends, and the ones I do have I rarely see. It’s not that I’m shy as much as I really just don’t like to socialize (though socializing online has always seemed different…). Every social experience I have had since grade 2 has been a disaster of apocalyptic proportions. I have always been nice to people, but several people just don’t feel like being nice back if you’re slightly overweight, have a speech impediment, and don’t have money to buy name brand clothing. One of the schools I went to wanted to hold me back for nonacademic reasons. Simply because I didn’t get along with the other students. Elementary was so bad I skipped junior high (almost anyways…I gave it a chance. I didn’t have an easier time getting along with people there) and high school all together and ended up in Adult Ed at 16. Once there I was the only person to maintain a 4.0 whereas my grades suffered in most other schools. I was surprised how much I could learn when left the hell alone.
Ever since then I’ve just about given up in socializing with people in general…of course I’ve come to realize that socializing is something you really need to do, even if you don’t like it. People are social animals and can’t live by themselves. Even if you didn’t like eating you’d still get hungry, and I’m definitely beginning to feel the hunger. Problem is I don’t even know how to socialize anymore. Even if I wanted to talk to someone, my life is so uneventful that I have nothing to say, and as soon as someone opens their mouth, I think the same thing about them and just want to be left alone again. I’m in a community college now. I was hoping some new doors would open, but the entire college is as quiet as a library. You can hear a pin drop in any class. I’ve decided to look into some clubs (thanks to the advice someone in here gave to Soap), but I haven’t seen any fliers for clubs anywhere. I’ll try to pick up a newspaper sometime and look there.
So does anyone have any advice for me? I’ve really enjoyed the help you guys have given Soap, and have taken some of it personal. It’s nice to see people helping other people out.
Soap, if you ever need someone with the same kind of problems you have to talk to, my aim is JoeySweredoski .
That sounds familiar - I was repeating that to myself (in various form) several times throughout the past few years.
The thought of it was so overwhelming that I could cry at my bed while trying to sleeping. Yes, that may be true for now, but it may not be true for the future. Over the length of time I learnt that I am not much of a prophet or a predictor of things to come.
Making such predictions only make one more tense, depressed and moody, and it is not worth it. It’s like fingering a wound over and over again till it rots.
The surprising thing the few friends which I have found now never just ‘dropped’ in. I was volunteering in a youth organisation when I knew one of them. Maybe you could join a club something, pertaining to your interest?
If there’s one thing I could recommend, maybe getting “How to make friends and influence people” may help. It’s not actually the greatest of all books, but some advice is better than no advice.
Have you tried asking about them? One of the best way to get friend is to be interested in friends - what are their names? where do they stay? what do they do in their free time? Do they want to study together or grab lunch together? What computer games do they play? That topic of conversation is one of the best for young male teenagers…
The first thing that came to mind after reading your post was “But don’t most people find too many questions annoying?”, but then after thinking about it, I’ve remembered quite a few incidents where people have asked me where I’ve lived, and what do I do and stuff like that. It never actually occured to me they were trying to start a conversation for some reason. Maybe I thought the questions were the conversation? Something to think about. Thanks for the help.
Yeah, JoeSki, for a long time, I never knew that asking questions of someone was considered to be a Good Thing. I just thought it was prying. I figured that, if anyone wanted me to know something, they’d tell me.
It still doesn’t come naturally though. Especially if you know nothing about the other person.
