Sorry didn’t mean to post it that many times. =) But maybe it will help you get my point.
Well, let’s see now…
I can tell you that there is one thing that women definitely don’t want in a man–and that is for them to take things that they say wildly out of context and broadcast them publicly.
Or to even let anyone know that you went out with a bitch like Green Bean.
I know your pain, lswote, for it is mine as well. I think we’re stuck in similar ruts: do people keep telling you to try and meet women by “doing things you like to do,” without realizing that the “things you like to do” are mainly solitary activites? I only assume this because you say you like carpentry, which I’ve never really seen as much of a “group activity”–at least, no moreso than playing video games, reading, and writing, which are my own passtimes (if I’m wrong, and I may well be, feel free to call me on it). However, if my assumption on that point is correct, then you probably know what I mean: everyone tells you you’re not supposed to “try to be someone you’re not” to meet women–but if you just “be who you are,” your odds of meeting someone with similar interests are pretty damn slim, because the women with those interests are most likely at home doing them. It’s the Catch-22 from hell, and I’ll be damned if I know a way to escape it.
But hey, look on the bright side! If worst comes to worst, at least we can join the monestary together. 
–Calredic
Iswrote:
As to your self-confidence, you need to take the following statements on faith:
[ul][li]You are no more or less deserving of happiness than any other person on the planet.[/li][li]Happiness will not find you. You cannot find happiness. You must create happiness.[/ul][/li]
Finding the love of your life is like being Dick Martin’s $20,000 TV Repairman. You won’t get many customers, but you only need one.
Some statistics:
[ul][li]90% of women are shallow and ignorant (as are 90% of men). They are not suitable for you.[/li][li]You will fail the 10 second test for 90% of the remaining women.[/li][li]Of the remaining women, ~50% will fail your 10 second test (this number will vary according to your personal nature).[/li][li]Of the remaining women, 90% will find that you have some unacceptable personal characteristic (age difference, smoking, nail biting, presence or lack of a specific religion, etc.).[/li][li]Of the remaining women, ~50% will have some personal characteristic you find unacceptable.[/li][li]Of the remaining women, ~50% will have some personal situation (job, family, location, prior commitments) that prevents her from starting a relationship regardless of her feelings.[/li][li]Of the remaining women, ~50% will be unsuitable for another reason or no reason at all. Life is mysterious.[/li][/ul]
Therefore, you are looking at a pool of ~0.00625% of all women. Given there are ~140,000,000 women in the USA, There will be about 10,000 of them with whom you can have a serious long-term relationship.
Remember, a guy that’s “combing pussy out of his hair” has brought his filter down so far that he is including half the female population. And he is usually sufficiently good looking and confident that 90% of the women in the world (the superficial and ignorant) will automatically include him in their filter. There’s no way a cordon bleu chef can or should measure himself against McDonalds.
Remember the statements of faith; they bear repeating:
[ul][li]You are no more or less deserving of happiness than any other person on the planet.[/li][li]Happiness will not find you. You cannot find happiness. You must create happiness.[/li][/ul]
The method of meeting women is fairly straightforward. In general start with friendship, but never be afraid to let a woman know you would be interested in something more. You don’t have to be pushy about it, but a woman does like to know she’s desirable.
In real life:
Make eye contact If she looks away, look at someone else. If she keeps eye contact with you for more than a second, move to the introduction.
Introduce yourself. Walk up to her and say, “Hi, I’m John” (or whatever your real name is). If she gives you a smart-ass answer or put-down, you know she’s in the 90% of the shallow and ignorant. Don’t feel bad, you’ve just avoided the worst experience of your life. Sit back down and move back to the initial contact phase.
BTW: Up about 18" from where you’re looking now are her eyes. Look at those. You’re allowed exactly one sweeping glance to take in her figure, after that, you want to look at her face and eyes. But don’t stare. That’s why you have a drink and there’s all sorts of fun things on the wall. Don’t ogle other women, though. And smile. Not a goofy :D, but a sincere :). You’re here to enjoy her company, so show that you enjoy it!
Make light conversation. Don’t talk about religion, politics, sex, your relationship issues, your problems with your mother or hopes for the future. Talk about work, or weather, or sports, or something neutral and light-hearted. Give her one or two sincere compliments in kind of an offhand manner (“that dress does look lovely on you”). Don’t be crude or overtly sexual (“Nice rack!” is right out). Touch her in a friendly, non-sexual way a couple of times, such as on the hand or arm when she says something funny. If the conversation drags just say, “Well, it was nice to meet you,” and go back to step 1.
Move to a semi-private place. If you’re at a party, ask her out to the balcony. If you’re at the bar, move to a table. The point here is to get her undivided attention. This is where you find out what she would like to do on a hypothetical first date. Ask her about her interests and share your own. If you don’t have any interests, for gods sake develop some! If she demurs, stick around for as long as the light conversation holds out. She might not be quite ready; let her ask you. Again, if the conversation drags, split and start over with the next one.
Ask her out. This is the easy part. You say, “I’ve really enjoyed meeting you! I’d like to see you again sometime.” If she says, “I’d like that too”, give her your business card with your home phone written on the back. Don’t ask for hers. If she offers, say, “Thanks, I’ll call you on Wednesday,” and call her on Wednesday! Not Tuesday, not Thursday, but Wednesday at around 7:30-8:00 PM (she’ll be done with dinner and watching TV).
Miscellaneous Notes:
If you’re at a bar, you can run the whole procedure without interruption. At a party, it’s better to do the “hit and run”: Once you’ve introduced yourself, and maybe made some chitchat, go mingle (but don’t hit on anyone else unless she’s obviously turned you down). After a while, recognize her, smile, and pick the conversation up. After you’ve talked for a bit, allow her to drift away and mingle. Pick it up again after a while. This makes you look interested but not desperate.
Clean yourself up. I don’t know what you look like, but programmers (I’m a programmer myself) are notoriously slovenly. Trim your beard or shave altogether. Get a nice haircut. Go to the store and buy yourself some decent clothes. Get good shoes. If you have no clue what to buy, get a salesperson (female if possible) to help you. Women love to dress guys up. As an added bonus, you can make eye contact, light conversation, and even ask her out (after you’ve bought the clothes!) if there’s any kind of spark.
Be patient. You’re looking for a needle in a haystack. You’re not going to find the love of your life the first day you go out to meet people. It could take a year or two. If that’s too long for you, suck it up, life is tough.
Practice. Go down to the bar at the hotel downtown and practice making eye contact, introductions, light conversation, and even an ask out. The women in the hotel bars are probably on business trips or whatever. If you screw up and make an ass of yourself (and it will happen, it happens to everyone), they won’t be around for very long.
Be patient. I know, I said it already, but it bears repeating.
[ul][li]You are no more or less deserving of happiness than any other person on the planet.[/li][li]Happiness will not find you. You cannot find happiness. You must create happiness.[/li][/ul]
Note: Even if you’re “practicing” and you ask someone out and they say “yes”, go out with them, don’t just lead them on. The point of the practice, though, is that you’ll be awkward at first and women will pick up on that. You probably won’t get to the “ask out” stage the first couple of times anyway.
Green Bean said:
Elizabeth you are a nice woman and I enjoyed how much fun you make even a simple shopping trip, but I hardly took what you said out of context. You said I am too needy to invite rafting or to some other outing with your friends and that they wouldn’t want to hear how lonely I am and all the details of my failed marriage, etc. I felt being alone tends to make you needy and you would have understood that when I finally had an opportunity to spend time with someone I might let a lot of pent-up stuff gush out. But I can accept that you felt I was too self-centered, and your friends would find me a bore, it is a free country, but I am not taking anything out of context.
This is the first MB i’ve ever seen where i need a flow diagram to understand the who, what, where’s and whens. Sorry, carry on…
You don’t happen to play Boggle do you? In either case, I would love to have you and your mom over when you’re in town. 
Calredic said:
Calredic, I actually have people telling me to do things I don’t normally do to meet people and almost in the same breath tell me just to be honest and be myself. But I would say you have it pretty much summed up here.
Singledad: Thank you for your tome on this subject. It is good to know that most of the women who are rejecting me are pond scum anyway. 
I am not the slovenly type so I don’t think that is my problem. I also have a fastidious house and do not procrastinate about anything, so I don’t think it can be of the normal stupid guy things.
Phouka: I didn’t say that was my attitude or personality. What I said is that in my experience, women seem to like asshole-like men. Personally, I’m a nice guy. Ask anyone who’s met me. Ask my ex-wife, she loves me - just not like that.
Have you ever asked a guy out? How many times? How many times have you been asked to go out? Women put men in a difficult situation. %95 of the time people get together it’s because the guy asked the girl out, but if a guy asks a girl out who is not interested he suddenly becomes needy and desperate. How’s a guy to know?
dpr: I’d like very much to hear the Bastard Theory ™.
SaxFace: If I say, “I like saxophones, does that make me needy and desperate?” Bear in mind that I did play the sax for 6 years in middle/high school before I defected to the french horn.
Doctordec: “The SDMB women tend to be smarter, more articulate, have original thoughts, and actually look for noble qualities in a potential mate. They’re better looking too.” Trying to get some extra points in, huh?
Needs2know: “Don’t even listen to Inertia” I just call 'em how I see 'em. Hoochie mama’s are gross.
Elthia: As I wrote to Phouka, I’m a nice guy. I actually was planning on trying to be an asshole, but I was still way too helpful and/or considerate and/or concerned to qualify for assholeship.
Iswote: If you ever want to hook up again, learn this one thing: women NEED to be ignored. They won’t like it, but if you don’t ignore them at some point you become WORK and that ain’t good.
Women please close your eyes until you’ve finished reading this: Iswote, have you ever heard of Walk for [insert disease]? Sign up for that and when asked reply that you know so and so who had [disease]. You can at least go to the park and walk around the track. There’re tons of chicks doing that. Habitat for Humanity. It’s not so much as looking as it is making yourself available and getting out of the rut you’re living in. Oh, join the gym and go 3 times/week. I promise if you do that your confidence level will skyrocket (but don’t expect results for at least 6 weeks) Ok, you can open your eyes now.
“…I guess I better get a fish (I can’t have a cat or dog where I live). But then I don’t like fish. YECK!!!” That sounds like some defeatist bullshit to me. Get a cat if you want one, what are they gonna’ do kick you out. Fuck the landlord you don’t need 'em anyway, assholes.
You should listen to Phouka too.
Rachelle: I only find someone attractive AFTER I’ve gotten to know them and determined there’s something more to them than what they physically look like. I’m not saying it isn’t important, but it’s not the most significant feature. Fortunately, responsible, mature, educated, intelligent people tend to take care of themselves physically also, so it’s often not an issue.
I’d like to reiterate at this time that I think bars are a waste of time. I’ve tried it. I know other people who’ve tried it. It’s a desperation move.
Calredic: That is a state of mind that only comes when you realise that you don’t need 'em. Yeah, it’s a catch 22.
One last thing, don’t you dare get that cat declawed.
inertia said:
I went to the gym for years and I don’t think it ever made my confidence level rise. I was SOOOO glad when I realized I was buying into other people’s ideas about the gym, not facts. I am glad I don’t have to lift those damn weights anymore. I have always been plenty strong enough for whatever I needed. Never met a woman through the gym either in 15 years of being a member of gyms/raquetball clubs.
inertia again:
Defeatish, you betcha. Life has become a living hell. Tends to make you pretty sour. But by “can’t”, I meant it more in the sense that I don’t have the space. Maybe for a cat, but I am not really a cat person, but definately too small a yard for a dog. And I do need landlords right now, because I am not ready to commit to one place long enough to make buying a house the right choice.
Wow! There is so much here that I agree with, too many to list again. I do have to make one comment though, lswote. Please pay attention to this, this is important.<half-kidding, half-serious>
SingleDad: what you said about how to treat women, (especially the part about looking up about 18" from where his eyes are) :
::swoon::
If I wasn’t already married to such a sweet, wonderful man… sigh…
I would say that unless you have met Green Bean in person that your comment was way out of line and most definitely not appreciated in this forum.
Thanks, ultress. But in all fairness, I called her a bitch first.
Ironically, she had said something really mean to lswote on the board, and I said something like “Don’t pay attention to her. She’s obviously a bitch with no sense of humor.” I was attempting to make lswote feel better. Apparently Brittainy and I have something in common.
Fair enough, so now you two are even. I withdraw my post.
I would have to agree with you Ultress. That kind of behaviour is not only childish, but unappreciated. Green Bean is a respected poster of this board, so my advice Miss Britt… if you don’t like it… take a hike honey.
After having read all the ladies posts. I have come to the realization that I am the ideal man (lifting my eyebrow and cracking a dopey grin).
Green Bean said:
Yeah, Brittainy is a friend of mine that I turned on to the SDMB so her comment that you called her a bitch for was an inside joke to me and not an insult, though I told her you didn’t know she was my friend and were trying to make me feel better as you said above. In all fairness to her I had cried on her shoulder about how poorly I perceived meeting you for brunch went. Whether I got the context of your remarka about it above right or not, I think you will agree with me that you didn’t plan on socializing with me again in the future except possibly at NYC Doper gatherings and since I can’t find people at these gatherings even when I show up at them, I think you are pretty safe from even that happening.
wooo well it seems that you are already lacking in three aspects of what women are looking for…honesty, a sense of humor, and confidentiality. This is a dead thread for me.