My Best Friend's Husband Hates Me

The BBQ Pit
61

Okay, I’ll chime in here.

I’m Bob (no, not this particular Bob, but apparently he and I share the same ‘form of Bob’ that must exist in perfection somewhere). I am an introvert, shy, only able to deal with people in small groups, and very protective of my personal sphere.

That said, I imagine that my response to this situation would be remarkably similar to Bob’s. Though a lot of people are coming down on him for being cruel, how exactly is he to deal with this problem? As I said, I’m him, so I know that subtle hints do no good. And there is an overwhelming need to keep the peace…but there is really only so much one can take. Gazelle- you feel free to be yourself at all times, it appears- yet Bob is not afforded the same without either being a total buzzkill or by avoiding your fellowship. And yet, avoidance does not work- because you seek to place yourself into every aspect of his life! Jeez!

Anyway, I agree that passive aggressive behavior is pretty pathetic. However, there is no good way for Bob to extricate himself gracefully- you pushed him, and he pushed back. Now, you can either chalk it up to him being crazy, or you can, despite the tone, engage in some self-examination about your habits. Frankly, even by your own descriptions, your actions are pretty obnoxious. However, Bob may be a total pill in his own right- so the best medicine is both of you backing off. Thing is, he seems perfectly content to do so - you’re the pushy one here.

With that said, I’ve decided to dispense with my own passive aggressive tendencies. I hate all of you motherfuckers.

Now, who’s up for Parcheesi?

62

Bob sounds like a first class asshole. I don’t give a damn about him being introverted or extroverted. The very fact that you and his wife are good friends means he should have kept his trap shut. There is no way I would do that to a friend of my wife (or my friend’s wife for that matter), no matter how I felt about them. I also don’t agree that this was “forced” out of him. He instigated it by saying cruel things about you to your husband. How could you not follow up on something like this?

The only way his assholishness is reduced (and this is only slightly) is if Heidi is not the good friend of yours you believe she is. If Heidi had any foreknowledge about his email and did nothing to stop or moderate it, then she sucks too.

If it was me, I’d forget about both of them.

63

I was very emotionally frazzled yestderday, FH, so my “everyone” was an exaggeration, albeit a slight one. Bob’s oldest and best friend lives in Grand Rapids. I don’t know if he treats him the same as he’s treated El Hubbo, Larry, and Manny, but here’s how it is. He’s been a jerk before. One time, he quit DMing for us, basically shutting down the D&D game because we were joking around too much one night. (Yes, I know we’re geeks.) He really likes to tell people how to live their lives, a la the message he sent me. All of us have basically dealt with his little outbursts of frustration and anger because he seemed to get over them. All of the other outbursts were ignored by “the boys” because none of them are the confrontational types. On one occasion, we had a discussion about weight training; Bob told me and El Hubbo that we were not allowed to talk about how happy we were with our improvements in strength (call it “bragging” if you must) until we’d done it for more than seven years, like he did in high school and college. (The mostly civil conversation I alluded to.) Once again, he really hurt my feelings. But I know he cannot be reasoned with, so I didn’t demand an apology or confront him. He’d just say that he’s telling the truth and that I should deal with it.

So no, not everyone thinks he’s an asshole. Larry, Manny, Adam, and Dave all like Bob, most of the time. They’ve also called him an asshole and have wondered aloud why angelic Heidi is with him. Come on, don’t you have friends like this?

Yep, I’ve let him push my buttons before. Hmm… now I’m thinking more and more, “Good riddance.”

I think it was a combination of the two. El Hubbo says that he specifically mentioned me and Heidi in his telephone invitation to Bob. Now that I think about it, I wonder if Bob orchestrated this. He asked Heidi to try to get me out of the house, it didn’t work, and right on top of that, I invite a “random person.” Oooh, that must have just steamed his veggies!

I promise you, this is totally unwarranted. Now, you only have my word for it, but dammit, I’m a fellow Doper! Doesn’t that count for anything?!?

:smiley:

64

Sounds like you and he are very different people. He’s probably been carrying a lot of resentment for a long time, just about him not being comfortable around you and you not clueing into making him comfortable. You are a wonderful person Gazelle, but you can hit someone like a semi truck loaded with bricks.

I don’t think you are under any obligation, btw, to make him comfortable.

One of my good friends married a woman that my husband can’t stand. We don’t see too much of them, which is a shame, since I really enjoy him, and he and I have a long friendship that has gone through hell and back. But putting the two of them in the same room for a long time is not good for anyone. To make things more complicated, she is really only comfortable with me when I am happily attached and she is around to watch me around her husband - so we need to do couple things. It sucks, but that is the way it is.

65

I hear you and I see exactly what you’re saying. I have pushed him into a corner.

I haven’t “invaded” every part of his life, though. He’s alienated people all by himself.

I have engaged in some self-examination on these habits. Yes, some of them will change in response to Bob’s email. But please, please, please bear in mind that his message makes it sound like I’ve done all these things over and over every time I see him and that I see him every weekend. He’s employed a little exaggeration himself.

And yes, I see what you’re saying about me being the pushy one. He just wants me to leave him alone. That was the overwhelming point of his message and was received by me, no doubt about it.

This made me laugh. Thanks. :smiley:

66

I just had another thought. A similar situation happened at another time, and the reason was a total surprise. If this situation is similar…

Bob has a crush on you, and your presence makes him uncomfortable because he can’t deal with his feelings honestly without pissing people off. (Your husband, his wife, you…)

So he takes it out on you, hoping that you will go away so that he can go on with the rest of his life comfortably. With you around so much, he has to face his emotions (and he may not want to have a crush, it just happens and he is dealing with it badly.)

He couldn’t bring it up until it simmered long enough for a catalyst to bring it to the fore, and he is trying to make himself feel better by blaming it on you. Look at how detailed his recollections of you are- he is paying close attention to what you do and say. It probably surprised him, and he may not even realize why he is acting the way he is.

This may explain a lot of things. IMHO, of course, and YMMV.

67

Oooh, Steelerphan, I think I love you.

I want that to be the reason!!!

:slight_smile:

And I did joke that it was, with a friend yesterday.

“I know what his problem is. He wants me, bad.”

:smiley:

68

Hmm, unemployed, plays games all the time. Wife supports him. Indulges his every want and need. Stays with him even despite assholery which annoys most other people he comes into contact with. Hmm…

Conclusion: He’s dynamite in bed.

Sugestion: Seduce him and blow his mind with a night of “Cause a stampede of wildebeasts in Africa even though we’re halfway across the globe” sex then tell him off.

Enjoy,
Steven

Ok fine, don’t. But everyone else has already piped up with all the good advice which came to mind when reading the OP and I figured I could at least contribute something original.

69

Well, the only friend I have who’s in the “oh my god, why are you such a putz sometimes” category is an online friend, so I don’t have to deal with him in person really. I just sigh and say, “He can be the best guy, but then he shoots his mouth off and I want to smack him.” One who’s close to that was the ex-roommate, who I see every few months at most and am perfectly fine with that. I’m getting the whole geek dude image though, and can see that it’d be frustrating to deal with due to how embedded he is in your social life, now that you’ve clarified further. I’d probably roll my eyes at him, figure out if any of his commentary is justified in any way (“Heidi, I know I can be kind of obnoxious at times, but seriously, tell me if I’m over the top?”), and then just be at the social gatherings that I’m definitely part of and smile a lot at him.

And no, it doesn’t count, you might still be a meanie doofus even if you’re a Doper. So nyah! Thhbbbtt…

70

Well, apparently, this guy has in the past felt free to invite himself over to her house, so he’s got no room to get his panties in a twist over her inviting herself over once in a while. He’s also got no damn right to be pissed at her for inviting herself to a party she fucking planned. If he thought it was a guy’s night, that’s a miscommunication between him and El Hubbo and nothing at all to do with Gazelle. The “subtle hint” of his wife inviting her out? I wouldn’t take it as a hint if someone suggested that I skip my own party. I’d take it as them being utterly clueless.

The other stuff–well, his version and her version don’t quite jibe, so I can’t really say one way or the other about that, but it sounds like a basic personality clash. She might be the most irritatingly extroverted person on the face of the earth, with absolutely no brain-mouth barrier whatsoever. That doesn’t excuse him talking shit to her, and it sure as hell doesn’t excuse him talking shit about her to her husband.

You don’t talk shit about somebody to their loved ones. You just don’t. I don’t care how much you hate your friend’s SO, you keep your fucking mouth shut. It’s not fair to badmouth someone behind their back, for one thing. The big thing, though, is that it hurts your friend when you insult somebody they love. What kind of asshole goes around hurting their friends? If I were El Hubbo, Gazelle would never have gotten a chance to ask him what was up, because I would have set him straight about the whole “boy’s night” thing right off the bat, and then kicked his ass up between his ears for talking shit about my spouse to me. Then I would have kicked his ass for trying to drag me into something between them, instead of just growing a pair and talking to her like an adult. (This whole passive-agressive bitch-to-everyone-but- the-person-you’ve-got-a-problem-with shit is a real pet peeve of mine.)

I also think it’s pretty damn shitty of him to say a bunch of nasty shit to you, and then ask you not to tell anyone else that he said it. If you’re ashamed for somebody to know you said or did something, that’s a pretty damn good indicator you probably shouldn’t say or do it.

In short, Bob sucks sweaty goat ass, and I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire. Not till he grows the fuck up, anyway. I wouldn’t be real enthusiastic about continuing with Heidi either, if she’s willing to put up with his passive-aggressive bullshit.

71

I agree, he should have just bit his lip. It’s the polite thing to do. But hey, I haven’t been all that polite either, have I?

I think she tried, in her own little way, to stop this from happening. But she also knew he was going to be unreasonable about this. If he had come to me and said, “Look, Brent is really annoyed by you right now and if you talk to him, he’s going to be vicious.” I would have confronted him. I’m like a dog with a bone. I’m assertive. I’m convinced that communication on an adult, civil level can work to build bridges. Shit, I sound like frikkin’ Leo Buscaglia.

Cain’t do that. I love the girl.

Incidentally, Heidi wrote and apologized. No details, just that she’s sorry. We agreed to avoid the subject of Bob. I know it will be tough, but believe me, she is way worth it. She’s vented to me about him before and I’ve already had practice with being nonjudgemental. She’s not a crier, but about six months ago she cried to me about how unhappy Bob has been. I just listened.

Another example of something I could have used against him yesterday, but my conscience would never let me. Besides, that’s just cheesy.

72

btw- one other thing occured to me. You invited Tom and his wife. You say that Tom ‘grew up’ with Heidi. An chance that they have been involved at any point?

Because I know that there’s nothing to put a damper on a good time like having to spend an evening staring across a game board at a guy you know has fucked your wife. (actually, I don’t know, and for that, I am eternally grateful)

73

This is one of the things which stood out to me. He mentions your husband’s feelings, and I’m confused as to how he would know them. Is he assuming here, or is it possible your husband has voiced some complaints to him, or at least commiserated with him over some of his complaints?

While I do think he could have handled himself much better, I agree that a lot of the problem seems to be a personality clash. From what I’ve read of you, it sounds to me as though you are willing to take a look at your own faults and take responsibility. On top of that, it also sounds like you are willing to set things straight and are actually wanting things to come to a peaceful outcome. It doesn’t sound like he wants to do that, and so there’s really not a lot you can do. I’d be hurt too, and I’m hard pressed to say if it’s at not being given a chance to amend things, or just the sheer abusiveness of his response.

I see you added Heidi apologized, and see your hands as being tied here, if she is unwilling to discuss the situation between you and Bob. It looks like you’ve made the attempt, and it’s not going anywhere. If Bob is unwilling to work things out, I agree with others, he’s not worth your time. It would have been nice to know Heidi’s take on all of this. If she was annoyed with you “attempting” to be their best friends, or your dropping by when visitors arrive, I would think she’d have said something about it. Maybe she has, and you didn’t add that part, but if not, I’d say Bob isn’t the only one with possible passive-aggressive behavior?

74

What a freakin’ asshole! I can’t possibly understand why anyone would defend him.

If a friend of mine sent my wife an email like this, I’d absolutely want her to let me know about it, and believe me, that “friend” would receive a scathing call from me. Someone I’d been friends with for several years would get a very brief chance to grovel before my wife and beg her forgiveness, or else that’d be the end of our friendship; someone I’d only been friends with a short while, no second chance. That is beyond the pale.

Bob’s request that you keept he email secret is not a binding request. You don’t get to be an asshole to someone and then say, “but you can’t tell anyone I was an asshole to you!” You lose the privilege of confidence when you treat someone like shit, buddy.

However, I wouldn’t necessarily show the email to his wife, unless she asks. At that point, it’s fair game.

I had a marginally similar situation several years ago. A dear friend of mine married a woman I mildly disliked. I was polite and civil to her, until one day at a club meeting she spent about an hour casting snide insults and belittling comments at me for about an hour. She was the head of the club, and she made sure I didn’t get a chance to respond (ironically, the particular meeting we were in was about consensus-building); at the end of the meeting, I unfortunately blew up at her. By “blew up”, I mean, I stood up and said in shaking voice that I thought she’d been very unfair to me and misrepresented my position dramatically and done a disservice to the group, and that I hoped next week there’d actually be a chance for me to offer a rebuttal, and then stormed out.

My friend, obviously in a difficult situation, arranged for her and me to get together over coffee and hash out our differences. Over the course of that conversation, I really and honestly tried to listen to her, undersatnd where she was coming from; in turn, she cast every insult and aspersion my way that she could think of, pushing every possible button until she found one that clicked (she called me a misogynist, apparently because I couldn’t deal with a powerful woman like her). I didn’t return any insults.

But I saw my friend a few days later, and he asked me how it had gone, and I told him, smiling tightly, that if I never saw her again in my life that’d be just fine by me.

And I haven’t. And, not coincidentally, I lost him as a friend.

You’re not obligated to like your friends’ spouses or your spouses’ friends, but you are obligated to be civil to them. And if you can’t, well, you should resign yourself to losing the friend, cuz it’s likely gonna happen.

Daniel

75

Like I said to him in his message, this is definitely something I’ve done in the past. And yes, my husband has complained about it to Bob. But I think I was there when he did it.

I don’t think she was annoyed so much by me stopping by, but by the reaction her husband had to me stopping by… If my husband flew into a rage or simmered all afternoon because a friend of mine stopped by, I wouldn’t want them to ever come over again.

The email exchange between me and Heidi went like this:

Gazelle: I love you, Heidi, and this is the last time I’m going to say this: I’m so sorry for all this.

Heidi: I love you too. And I’m sorry, too.

76

I’m trying to think about what I would do if I were in a similar situation.

My best friend, I dearly love her too, and I think I would at least try to just salvage that part of the relationship and keep it that way. You don’t have to talk to Bob, but remain civil (be the better person). If there is a get-together again (one day–let stuff cool down), they can be invited but if Bob doesn’t come, don’t push the issue.

Maybe you can get her to go to coffee with you and talk? Maybe she is just mortified at the whole situation and doesn’t know what to say to you.

77

Gazelle, no matter what Heidi’s response is, it is still rude to call and ask if she minds if you stop by, even for just a few minutes, when she has guests over. Because in doing so, you’ve put her on the spot and there is really no polite way for her to decline. She may say yes, but it may have been given reluctantly or begrudgingly. From what you’ve said about your interactions with Bob and Heidi, you have a penchant for putting people in corners. It’s not nice. Stop it already.

78

My thoughts.

First, the email you received would have made we want to throw up. The sheer nastiness is junior-high school at best.

He doesn’t like you and has probably been sticking pins in his gazelle voodoo doll for quite some time. Why doesn’t he like you? Who knows. He could legitimately be voicing concerns of The People or he could be a shallow little man who sits in closets contemplating his jealousy of you.

But, he made it clear as Janet Jackson’s boob that he doesn’t like you.

So, fuck him. I know the message he sent is going to smart for a bit, but honestly and truly, after the sting dissipated, I’d probably sift through the putrid stench of his words and check myself for things he may have said that might have some validity, decide whether or not they did and work on those areas for the benefit of normal friends, not Bob and be done with him forever.

You are who you are, and he just simply doesn’t have any business vomitting his unsolicited innermost thoughts about your person to you, your husband, your dog, plants, or frozen fish.

Rock on.

79

I second this just in case you need to hear it from someone else. I wouldn’t dream inviting myself over to my neighbors’ house while they’re entertaining guests.

80

No offense intended here, but if someone I was visiting expected me to take them aside and do this, I’d say they were expecting too much. There’s no good way to do this without awkwardness or possibly giving offense. In the interest of keeping the peace, I’d keep my mouth shut, but start avoiding people whose conversations or behaviors made me uncomfortable.

And yes, I’m an introvert interested in keeping peace and having people around me be happy too. But if I was pushed into a corner, I’d snap at you, probably kinda like Bob did. Again, not criticizing you or telling you how to live your life. Y’all two are probably just too different in personality to get along well.

Good luck and best wishes with an awkward situation.