Hey, PunditLisa and the rest of you: back the fuck off! I get it already!
I will never even think about asking someone if I can stop by for five minutes again.
I thought it was polite and I was wrong. I get it. Can you drop it now?
Actually, it’s by no means always rude. There are people whose houses are more-or-less open to their friends; in college, I had such a house, where friends would drop by unannounced and hang out for hours at a time, and we were happy to have them. You didn’t even drop by unannounced; you called first. I still have that kind of house, where I’m mostly happy for friends to call up and ask if they can drop by. If I didn’t want them to, I’d have no problem making excuses.
If you made a mistake, it was in thinking they had such a house; of course, it was their responsibility too to set you straight. They could’ve done this tactfully, and they didn’t.
Why not? Well, it’s perfectly possible that Heidi likes having such a house, and that her asshole husband hasn’t ever made it clear that he doesn’t like it.
Daniel
Okay, now I’m confused.
No, seriously. I would rather err on the side of not annoying someone.
If I’m ever in the situation again where I have a neighbor who is receiving visitors who I happen to know and have not seen in a while, I will write my friend an email and say, “Wow, I haven’t seen John and Jane in a while. I would love to stop by for five minutes to say hello, but I used to do that to some old friends of mine and it turns out they REALLY hated it, so please… Tell me it would be any imposition at all. I will understand.”
This way, it’s not on the phone, in front of the visitors, who would probably be like, “Why can’t Gazelle stop by to say hi? We haven’t seen her in a while.”
I agree. If Heidi felt pressured to say, “Yes, come on over,” I put Heidi in a difficult position.
And I won’t even send an email. I will let them extend the invitation. Okay?
PunditLisa et al, I’m sorry about the “back the fuck off.” I’ve received a lot of not-so-constructive criticism in the last 24 hours and I can’t really take anymore.
Well, just to confuse the issue even more, I’m one of those people who loves having friends drop by, even unannounced and even if (sometimes especially if) other friends are there already, too. I have always operated under the premise that “the more, the merrier!” I love having my house be a gathering place, love entertaining and love playing hostess. I also love that my friends want to drop by to say hello in person and visit with me. I had 4 people drop in unannounced on Sunday evening and we had a great time shooting the shit and laughing our asses off.
Now, if someone were to do this to me every single time they saw I had someone over, constantly imposing themselves on us, making it appear as though they were harboring some sort of insecurity about not having been specifically included, I wouldn’t like that at all. But it doesn’t sound to me like that’s the kind of thing that was going on here. Sounds like each couple has always had an “open door” policy, where someone was often stopping by the other’s place without invitation or advance warning. And of course it wasn’t a problem for “Bob” when it was “Bob” doing the dropping in, only when it was his dear, sweet, mealticket who was so egregiously imposed upon by someone daring to call first and ask if it was ok instead of barging in unannounced. Frankly, if this was such a problem for either of them, they could have (and should have) simply said so at the time of the call. A polite, “I’d love to see you, but this isn’t the best time. Can I call you tonight?” would have sufficed. The key is, you can’t let that kind of response hurt your feelings.
Obviously, other people’s mileage varies.
Glad that’s the case, I’ve been in a situation where it wasn’t overt, and was hoping that wasn’t happening here. From the exchange with Heidi, it sounds like you two are fine, so I’m glad. I’m also happy you didn’t air all of Bob’s laundry or attack him in the same manner (though he might deserve it), you’re a-ok in my book, and I hope things work out for you.
Ok, I just need to ask, no offense intended, but how close do you live to “Bob” and “Heidi” that you know who’s visiting them and when? It could come off as kindof creepy to have a neighbor who’s always looking out her window and clamoring to come over when they see that someone else is there. I’m not saying you do that, which is why I’m asking what the circumstances are.
That question out of the way, in response to your above suggested course of action if there’s ever a next time, no, that’s just silly. What are the odds that your friend is entertaining guests and checking email while they’re there? No. Just no.
If you’d really like to see these people and having noticed them at your friends house has prompted you to make such an effort, either call them the next day, tell them you’d love to see them and invite them over yourself, or, if you really, really feel compelled to see them while they’re in the neighborhood, call “Heidi” and say something like, “As I was pulling in I saw “George” and “Gary’s” car in the drive. I haven’t seen them in ages. Please give them my regards and tell them if they’d like to stop by here on their way out to say hello, I’d love to give them a hug. Thanks!” Then it’s up to her to decide if she wants to extend an invitation or not.
I’m going to put this as gently as I can:
There’s the possibility that when visiting Heidi and Bob, their visitors don’t want to see you, they want to see Heidi and Bob. I know, personally, when I go to someone’s house, I like to visit with them - if someone else I knew dropped in and expected me to ignore my hosts and visit with them, even for only 5 minutes, I would be uncomfortable.
Secondly, if I had invited friends over, and another friend showd up and said I’m here to see your guests, I would be pissed off - had I intended to include you, I would have invited you - doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it just means that maybe I want to spend some time with my other friends alone. Ya know what I’m saying?
I think the idea of contacting the guests the next day and inviting them to your own function is a great idea - they know that you were keen to see them, and you eliminate the chance of offending anyone.
In any case - Bob sounds like a piece of work - my vote goes for not doing stuff with him and just seeing Heidi. I had a boyfriend who hated one of my friends so when I went out with her, I went with just her. No biggie.
Anyhow - I hope things work out, and I hope you feel better.
Exactly. So true.
Even as a little child, I knew this was wrong. I’ve had people badmouth my family to me, and even when the criticism is accurate, I still don’t want to hear it. It’s just tacky and wrong. There’s a way to initiate the subject without badmouthing someone else’s loved one.
Exactly. She is under no obligation to protect him from his own assholishness.
Mine too. Frankly, I’ve been more hurt by someone “bottling it up” for so long without telling me than their actual grievances against me.
I’ve had this happen several times. I can have annoying traits but dammit, I wasn’t married to them. I would have changed if I’d been told. I did quickly change when I was told, because I saw merit in the criticism.
Even though no one likes to be criticized and told they’re being a pain in the ass, it hurts a lot less to just be told than to find out months or (often) years later that everyone has been bitching about you behind your back but they were too GUTLESS to just tell you.
I cannot express how much I do not respect this behavior. Way back in college, one friend of mine stopped talking to me for a while but wouldn’t tell me what the problem was. Finally, after months, I got it out of her: she was annoyed by this little dumb thing I did months (or even a year) ago. That little comment upset her. None of these things by themselves were that bad, but they all added up in her mind. I asked her why she didn’t just freakin’ TELL ME that I had upset her at the time, and she said, “That’s not my way.”
Well, SCREW THAT. We kind of tried to repair our friendship after that, but frankly, I’d lost all respect for someone who didn’t have the guts to just confront me in a straightfoward manner about some of the things I did that were annoying. I wasn’t as remotely as upset that I’d been a jackass (I had—a little), I could get over that blow to my ego. But to find out that she’d been stewing and fretting about it and never said a DAMNED THING? That it wasn’t her “way” to have the guts to say anything? I had no respect for that and I was very hurt by that. That kind of behavior (and the lame excuse of, “That’s not my way”) makes me livid.
So it’s “not their way” to behave like a decent human being? Fine. Screw them. They don’t deserve my respect. I have no patience for someone who is so GUTLESS and their GUTLESSNESS is not my problem. I bear no responsibility for them fretting and stewing and blowing it all out of proportion in their mind. That’s their hang-up. And frankly, in my opinion, my many annoying traits and tendencies do not compare with being so damned gutless.
Gah! Can you see that this is a pet peeve of mine? It is. I have very little tolerance for this.
Gazelle, it sounds like you’re willing to explore what you’re doing that is annoying and I have no doubts that you’ll grow and learn from this experience. You’ve got the guts to do that. You’re open enough to do that, even though I know it stings. You may be irritating sometimes (I sure as hell know I am), but you’re a HELL of a lot better off than this Bob fellow, and, apparently, unlike him, you can be flexible about things. He can’t.
There’s no way that there’s any excuse for him to bottle this all up and then spew it out in such a passive-aggressive, nasty manner. I don’t give a shit how “introverted” he is, that’s no damned excuse. It’s just not a decent way to behave.
Being an introvert does not give one the excuse to behave like a dick. Bob, my dear Gazelle, may or may not be an introvert, but he most certainly is an asshole. You simply do not write e-mails like the one he did, especially not to alleged friends.
“I’m so sorry, but we won’t be able to make it over for Risk after all.” Not by attacking someone for having the brazen audacity to invite you over to her house.
Precisely. My first loyalty is to my husband. I like him better than anyone else in the world. If my friends insult my husband or try to make me choose between them, that tells me that I really don’t need to be friends with them.
Gazelle I like you, I don’t think you did anything that was wrong that you needed/need to be raked over the coals for. You did what you thought was correct and polite, and you have done your best to be a good friend, I don’t see the need to criticize you.
Bob’s criticism’s were mean and I understand why they might haunt you cause it always hurts to find out that someone didn’t have the guts to be honest and straight with you and work out any difference before they festered.
Also some of the things in this thread have been mean (especially when people continue negatively on a subject when specifically requested to “drop it”) but hopefully these people were just expressing their opinions and trying to help you understand the differences that some people have in social setting and not just being mean. (I sure hope that last sentence makes sense to you) So don’t take them personal cause – if I may be so bold as to talk for all of us – we like you.
In the last few years I’ve had the same thing happen with someone who I’d thought was a life-long friend. We were friends since high school, a little under 10 years.
Once I’d settled in with my then-girlfriend(my now-wife), and had unfortunately been laid off, he just stopped talking to me. After several months of this I heard through the grapevine that a drunken Puerto Rican comment I made one or two years before had branded me a racist.
Mind you, he’s 6’4" of whiteboy…only has a few % of Rican in him, and we were all drunk and just being the assholes that we all(as a group) are. Oh, and did I mention that this incident was at least 2 years before we stopped hanging out together. When I say hanging out, I mean we spent more than 2 days a week with each other…
Whatever. I, like Yosemitebabe, have lost all respect for the man and don’t care whether the fences are mended. If he had just come to me and discussed whatever problems he had with me, I’m sure we could have worked them all out.
And I’m sure you and ElChubbo and Heidi and Bob will work something out. 
Sam
Gazelle,
You seem to be a hyper-extrovert, so my opinion may be more hurtful than it intends.
When I started reading your OP, I was on your side. Hey, it’s your OP, your text is in blue, and Bob’s is in EVIL RED. You must have a valid point.
But by the time I had reached the end, I realized that I have an Aunt just like you that just plain annoys me. I love her to death, and I am her favorite nephew, but she annoys me. This Aunt pulls the exact same stuff that you were described as pulling in the OP. She’s always the life of the party, even when she is not wanted to be. So, I did not end up on your side.
[opinion] It’s not that you are abnormal. You are innormal, or annormal, or hypernormal. You need to calm down. These types of actions are that of a teenager trying to win a popularity contest. These actions are definitely annoying. I’m not overly introverted myself, but I’m more introverted than average, and I definitely see Bob’s point of view. [/opinion]
BUT! What Bob did that was equally bad was that he let it all build up to a crescendo, and did not address the subject with any tact at all. If you ask me, he is more guilty of destroying this relationship than you are.
Sorry if I hit a nerve there, Gazelle. I wasn’t trying to add to the pile on. I truly wasn’t sure you got the message because Heidi seemed to be okay with it. I live in a very close neighborhood, too, and you’d be shocked and disillusioned about the gossip (esp. among women) that goes on behind people’s back. I’m a straight shooter and would rather say something, diplomatically, than to criticize you behind your back and smile to your face.
Well, first of all, it seems as if the four of them considered themselves to be good friends, hanging out as couples frequently.
I didn’t see where Bob asked her NOT to tell her husband about the email. Maybe I skimmed past it. If I’m wrong about that, okie dokie. 
Now, some secrets might be worth keeping from a spouse…maybe if someone told their best friend they had a STD and didn’t want anyone else to know. That would do nothing but embarrass the friend if he or she found out, and therefore, wouldn’t carry the same weight.
But if someone came up to me and told me that I was a stark, raving bitch (I know, that’s not exactly what he said) and then said that I shouldn’t tell his friend, MY husband…well, he’d be seriously ignorant to think that request would be honored.
And really, if you have married friends, and you want to tell just ONE of them something, you might want to check with them first. A lot of couples do have a no secrets policy.
~J
Well, everything I said in this thread was predicated on the idea that Gazelle wanted to try to salvage her “friendship” with Bob. Since she’s decided she doesn’t, she could just hand out copies of his e-mail on the street corner for all I care.
I think this is great advice. This means you are inviting people to your house so there’s no chance of anyone accusing you of “barging in.” And because it’s done through a proxy, there’s lots of ways for people to beg off, very politely. No one is put on the spot. No one gets hurt. No one goes up on the water tower with a high powered… Oh, sorry. Wrong thread.
This is just about the worst thing someone could say about me. The ultimate insult.
I don’t think any of these actions should be viewed like I’m a “teenager trying to win a popularity contest” and I dearly hope that’s not what people think of me.
I love to entertain and I get energy from being around people. I am not demanding, in the least. The people around me will probably not change. The only person I can change is me.
Not everyone has to like me. Someone who has been a good friend (or, more recently, pretending to be a good friend) for six years should like me. To find that out and to be ridiculed for every little thing I’ve done in that time is just… awful.
I can’t talk about his anymore.
Gazelle, I’m sorry people are being jackasses about this. Does it help to hear that this “ultimate insult” is also a very stupid thing to conclude from reading your message? You are nowhere near coming across like a teenager trying to win a popularity contest; that’s an idiotic thing to say.
I don’t know you from Adam, and have no real interest (beyond basic human decency) in protecting your feelings, and I’m an introvert in real life. So understand that I’m not particularly biased when I say that you come across as entirely in the clear in this situation, and Bob comes across as needing a capital L tattooed on his forehead.
Daniel
I’m so sorry that it’s come down to this. Someone insults you by picking out every flaw he could over so many years, and quite a few people use that list to make value judgments about you.
I wonder if they feel that the way Bob handled things is the right way to go about it? Now, you have to change your whole personality in order to appease the few who think that it’s your fault?
There is no excuse for attacking someone and not allowing them to defend themselves. You invite someone to your house, and they don’t like the way you do things, and you have to change to accomodate them? What do you need to do? Are you now expected to make yourself scarce if there is a social gathering and Bob is there? Are you banned from attending any gathering with your husband? Is he expected to go, and assist in the attacks on your character?
If Bob had intended to be your friend, he would have used tact. he didn’t, and you have every right to hate the fucker. Shame on the rest of you who make Gazelle out to be some kind of monster for just being social.
I still think Bob likes you, and he’s overcompensating.
Gazelle, Daniel has an excellent point; listen to him.
I think I kind of understand where you’re coming from. I have gone through something similar (less traumatic) and I felt as you do now—it wasn’t the pointing out my flaws that stung so much (though yeah, that wasn’t great), it was the pretending that everything was fine for so long when in fact it wasn’t.
I don’t really give a shit that you annoyed Bob. I am sure you did and now you have a pretty good grasp of how you want to alter your behavior in the future. That’s all settled and done. So you annoyed Bob. It doesn’t sound like you did anything that terrible anyway, but ho hum. Water under the bridge.
His behavior and how he handled it so passive-aggressively are completely separate in my mind to what you did. What he did was two-faced and gutless. I don’t see what you supposedly did (be annoying) and what he did (gutless, two-faced) as being remotely in the same ballpark. So don’t get the two mixed up. Even if you were irritating, you didn’t ask for or deserve the gutless two-faced treatment because of it. And I don’t give a shit how many times someone says, “Well, it was because he was introverted and he didn’t know how to handle you and it all just blew up.” That doesn’t cut it. I don’t freakin’ care how introverted someone is, that’s no excuse to be gutless and passive-aggressive.
Yeah, yeah, I’m going over old ground here, but I type fast and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to repeat it.