Gazelle, I’ve had this happen to me a couple of years ago. It sort of still hurts, but mostly I’m just angry about it. I lost both of my best friends in the world, not counting my wife. But you know, I can deal with it, because it turns out that they weren’t the people that I thought that they were at all.
Remember, Heidi might not even be mad about you dropping over. Bob did an awful lot of speaking for other people in that letter, and that might have been just one more point where he did that.
I know that my wife gets upset about the occasional thing that she sees as someone imposing on me, but that I never think twice about. The imposition might just be in his mind, not Heidi’s. You should probably ask her about that, just to get it cleared up.
You know, I noticed it when I was out of work. When you don’t have a job, especially if you’re introverted, you can get a howling fit of the not-good-enoughs. I think that may be a big part of what you are seeing here. He feels really shitty, so he can’t be happy/have fun, and he is trying to punish everyone who does have fun by punishing you - because you are fun. You make people laugh. You are a generous hostess, and people like you. On top of that, you like to have fun. He may resent that. That kind of resentment can make you all balled up inside.
Mind you, I don’t think that excuses him one bit. I certainly wouldn’t forgive him. What a jerk.
Oh and “Oh, no! People are having fun when I am trying to be all serious! Where is my ball, I must go home!”
…I hate that… and I’m one of the most introverted people that I know.
Honestly, Gazelle, he has been very rude, because he should have definitely addressed these things earlier when he could do so without being ugly. Also, by what I’m understanding here, while you have not been a model of manners and perfection as hostess or friend, you’ve not been that bad, either, and it sounds like he’s exaggerated every annoyance to the poing of assholery. Of course, a tiny grain of sand may not seem to be much, but when they add up…
Someone, I think stonebrow mentioned this earlier, but you haven’t addressed it yet, and it’s the thing that really jumped off the page at me in the interchange between you and Bob…he doesn’t want (or Heidi doesn’t want) Tom to be around Heidi. They have a past history that I think is bothering Bob a great deal. If he feels that everytime you invite him and Heidi over, you also invite Tom, he may be resentful of what he thinks are your attempts to keep a relationship going that he wants ended. Or did I misinterpret?
Clearly you need to leave this guy alone. And his wife and his family. Perhaps his wife is being polite and poor hubby has to listen to her complain about you forcing invites from people. I’ve had to deal with people like you and have been dealt with for this same thing on your side.
Other side: Semi-close friend who comes to gatherings always brought bimbo girlfriend. Bimbo girlfriend talked about the wrong things, drank too much and would really piss off my lesbian friends with her inappropriate, and I mean way inappropriate questions. And she tried to push herself into everyone’s lives. AND SHE HAS A NASTY HABIT OF STOPPING BY!! Stopping by in the middle of the day (I work from home) never calling first even though she has a cell phone. And getting drunk at my house and smoking all my cigarettes. And borrowing my clothes-even though I’m not 13 anymore. MY friend dumps here and she comes here. Asks if she can stay with us for a while. CHRIST! Too close, too close. Even after the breakup she’d get wind of a party and call during to see what was going on. Um hello, if you didn’t get the invitation, you are not wanted here. My friends hate you, your ex has a nice new girlfriend that I, yes, I introduced him to and you just need to take your bimbo ass out of the picture. Thank god for caller ID so I can ignor your bi-monthly calls.
As for me, I’ve been excluded from things. And I’m glad they don’t keep me around only to moan about me behind my back…oh SJ2 drinks too much, she’s too loud, she’s a know-it-all. Fine by me. Don’t invite me to your house for your annual parties, fine by me. I know when I’m wanted. Give dirty looks and condescending comments when we are forced to be at a party together. Fan-Freakin-tastic. I can take it.
So, my advice. You’re hurting. I get that. I do. I’m over sensitive to that bit. Why go back and get more abuse and hurt.
Oh, please. Of course she should drop this guy like the viper he is, but there’s no sign that his wife is just “being polite,” unless she’s just “being polite” to her shit of a husband.
And you’ve had to deal with people like Gazelle? Not from the story that you offered, you haven’t. There’s a big freakin’ difference betwen occasionally stopping by a friend’s house (and welcoming the same thing from the friend), and mooching off someone for months at a time, as did the bimbo in your story.
In your case, what on earth stopped you from setting limits for this bimbo? You don’t have to be a jerk about it; you can just say, “Gosh, sorry, but this is just a small get-together for a couple of friends; lemme know if you’re ever having a party at your place, though, and I’ll try to drop by.” Or, “hey, those are my last few cigarettes, and I’m on a budget, but if you want, there’s a gas station just a half-mile down the road.” Or, “actually, I don’t loan out my clothes any more, I’ve had some bad experiences with that.”
If someone is intruding on you, three are polite ways to set limits. If you don’t at least try to do that, then you share the blame with the intruder.
Some people cannot accept “limits” and are just flabbergasted when you point out that they have gone too far. In my little group, that’s me, Yep, I’m the toughie that has to deal with the calls so forth. I’m certainly not calling OP the bimbo in my life, just showing that people can see relationships differently and not realize that they are not welcome. If anything she can relate directly to me. Mr and Mrs Don’t Invite Me To Their Parties Anymore did pretty much the same thing. The DIMTTPA’s didn’t have the guts to email me directly and tell me off and not to call them anymore, so I had to hear about their parties from my other friends who wondered why I wasn’t there.
Hi Gazelle,
You know, I make it a point to read your posts when I see them. I think I have a fairly good sense of who you are. You haven’t done anything wrong. Bob a major league asshole. I figured that the moment you said he wanted to play Advanced Squad Leader. You’ve made efforts to accomodate this bunghole time and again. He’s a control freak and probably paranoid you’re good friends with his wife. There is simply no excuse for the things he said to you. Adults don’t do such things, petulant children do.
The tough part is the wife. My advice is let her know you how you feel about her, and her only. Never discuss the bunghole, and even if she disses him. Just smile and nod, and never say anything bad about him. Maybe that will help you maintain one possibly positive relationship, now that you’ve realized you were consistently misled in the other.
BTW, I love it you have married friends named Tom and Jerrie (Jerry).
Good luck!
What? Enthusiastic people who are the life of the party? Your post was mean. Very, very mean. You’ve basically accused Gazelle of being an alcholic bimbo who no body likes and everyone tolerates. Where you got this idea, I have no idea, but I can’t imagine where you came up with it from her OP. Secondly your snotty little “I’ve been there sister.” at the end is a pathetic attempt to make your post look a tad less bitchy.
I think you owe her an apology, even if she’s not reading this thread anymore.
Gazelle, you sound like a fun person, and not at all annoying – at least not any more than everyone is from time to time.
This is a sucky situation. I’ve been there, and it hurts. I had a friend in my hiking club start giving me the cold shoulder – and I mean that – he wouldn’t even say ‘hi’ to me on the street in passing. I figured he was pissed about something, and I realized from past occurences that he’s not the type to confront someone about an issue, so I emailed him. Keep in mind that this was someone I liked and thought well of, so I was genuinely concerned that I might have hurt his feelings and was just too oblivious to realize it. I sent him a message like “Hi, I’ve noticed you seem to be avoiding me – is everything OK?” And he replied by telling me I should stop trying to micro-manage everything in my life, and that not everyone likes me, and I should just get over it. Ouch!
This is a guy who I’ve been hiking with many times, who would laugh and joke and tell stories with me, and who just suddenly changed. I didn’t understand and still don’t – he didn’t explain to me why he had a change of behavior (I don’t even know if it was a change of heart), why I was suddenly worthy of being shunned. Oh, well – fuck him, anyway.
Thank you for your kind words, Grav. Bob’s unemployed status is of his own choosing. He was unhappy in high-paying IT job after IT job. At first, he blamed it on the commute. Then he switched jobs to one near home. He was still unhappy; idiotic co-workers was the excuse. So he convinced Heidi to support him while he went back to school. School would make him happy. The deal was that he would take a full load and would only be unemployed for a year at the most. The first thing he did to break the deal was take last summer off. This semester he’s taking one class. And as you can tell, he’s still not happy.
I think the main thing he has yet to learn is that the only thing that can make him happy is him. He has to choose to be. And that’s something that takes time, I know, especially for someone as intelligent and introverted and cynical as he. The first step would be to see a therapist. If it ever happens, it will be a miracle.
Nope. This would have been the first social gathering that Bob and Tom had attended together. Period. He was just trying to show how inconsiderate I am by saying that I didn’t even ask Heidi… I just told her he’s coming. Heidi is incredibly easygoing and really likes Tom.
Anyone else wanna go back and re-read this entire thread with an eye to the problems inherent when our entire world view and self-worth is wrapped up in what other people think of us?
Yes, you should pay attention to what others think of you, because it is important and you can learn things about yourself that you may or may not like and/or need to change.
But also be aware that everyone else has their own viewpoint, their own ego, their own likes and dislikes.
Not everyone is going to like you. It hurts when it comes from people who you want to like and want to like you.
But that’s just the way it is.
Don’t try to change yourself to please everyone, or you’ll just end up destroying who you really are. Don’t be a slave to the expectations of others.
OTOH;
It hurt Gazelle too much to contemplate that other people thought she was being selfish, so she stopped reading. Her ego got bruised because she only wanted support and didn’t get it from a few of us.
Too bad she didn’t take it to heart and say “Oh, maybe I am doing that on occasion. Maybe I should make more effort not to monopolize the conversation. Maybe I should stop dropping by their house when they have guests.”
Instead, she’ll go away, sulk and be injured.
Too bad. She could have learned some things about herself.
She’s repeatedly said that she WAS guilty of some of the things she was accused of. She’s also made some statements that, in my mind, reflect a high degree of self-awarness as well as an acknowledgement that some of her actions may not have been spot-on.
What’s with the pissy comments from people who clearly haven’t read the whole thread? Further - where the hell do YOU get off telling people to read the thread, where, if you had done just that, you would recognize that your post was horse shit?
You guys are sweet to take up for me. I really appreciate it.
I’ll say it again, for the cheap seats:
I am taking this as an opportunity to look at my behavior.
The reason it hurts so badly is because I have known this guy for six years and have thought he was a friend for that entire duration. If I had known him for a month and he had done this, no big loss. Yes, I have been aware that I have annoyed him, upon occasion. I have backed off, toned down, become scarce, etc. when I noticed it. Obviously not enough. But here’s the point: No matter how much I annoyed him, I thought that deep down inside he respected me and loved me as a friend. That conviction was brutally, viciously, and maliciously destroyed this week.
And he kicked my dog.
(Just kidding.)
And yes, I am aware that in the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal. My family is safe, happy, and healthy. I have a great job, a furry dog, and a sexuhmuhfied husband.
FWIW, I agree that he was out of line and acted inappropriately. He was unnecessarily nasty and is deserving of contempt.
Just seemed to me that you spent a lot of time in this thread in denial over your own behavior.
My point above was that you had too much of your own self-worth invested in what this ONE PERSON thought about you. (something alice seems not to notice).
And that you seemed to run away when it appeared that not everyone was taking your side wholeheartedly. Which is giving too much power over your self-esteem to a pack of total strangers.
She gets it already. She gets that she did some annoying things. She’s explored that and will continue to do so. How many times must one person be bludgeoned with the same information about their misdeeds before they’re entitled to say, “Enough, I understand, enough—could you stop repeating it please?”
She gets it. Probably with more grace than many of us would. She discussed it, she ruminated over it, and she gets it. Over and out. No need to keep hammering away at it.
Some of us have been through something similar to what she’s been through, and we’re unanimously agreeing—it’s not the criticism of the little irritating traits that hurts so much (though that’s not great), it’s the pretending that everything was okay for so long that hurts. It’s the two-faced passive-aggressive crap and silently-seething-inside-while- pretending-that-they-still-like-you that hurts.
You’ve made efforts to accomodate this bunghole time and again. He’s a control freak and probably paranoid you’re good friends with his wife. There is simply no excuse for the things he said to you. Adults don’t do such things, petulant children do.