What I’m not understanding is why, if Bob had such a problem with your behavior, does he continue to accept your invitations? Why does he come by and let you fix dinner for him when the wife is out of town? Why, if Heidi has a problem with you wanting to stop by and say hello to her guests, she doesn’t just tell you not to come over? These are adults, right?
And color me bewildered at the number of people who think that calling before you come over is rude. We have some friends who were of the just-drop-by-with-no-warning-and-then-stay-all-night variety (we called them “The Things That Won’t Go Home”), but we loved them anyway and put up with it. If we felt anywhere near the level of vitriol that Bob expressed, we’d have just sent them home. If Heidi didn’t want you to come over, she could have politely told you that this was not a good time, or something like that. What is that old Ann Landers quote (I think) about no one being able to take advantage of you without your permission?
I, too, would be extremely hurt that someone who had pretended to be my friend and who had repeatedly accepted my hospitality would say such nasty things to me. If he thinks you’re such a skanky rude drunk, why is he still hanging out at your house?
Oh, I did before. This is an open message board. People come in and comment any time they want to. You can’t expect that all responses to the OP will end on page 1. It is the nature of the beast that you will be continually hammered with the same points. The only question is how you deal with it. Do you let them go by, do you get hurt and run away, or do you react in anger and counter-attack?
So, that point being made, let us let this go. She came back, she admitted that it made her think, she’s been clear that she understands that she has her own faults. Fine and cool with me. Nothing further need be said.
As for Bob’s passive aggressive hatred… yeah, been there, seen that. “Friends” who prove not to be friends. Tell you one thing to your face while badmouthing you behind your back. Coming over, inviting you over, while secretly hating your guts. I can’t stand this, nor can I figure it out. I mean, one might tell themselves that they’re trying to be nice, or trying to avoid conflict by doing this kind of shit, but it just ain’t so.
I mean really, is the long term anger and pain of NOT saying anything worth it, in order to avoid a shorter bit of open pain?
In fact, at the end of the second page she also conceded the point about some people considering dropping by to be rude. So I don’t get why you’re rubbing her face in this more.
I guess I’m looking at this from the standpoint of someone who’s had an abusive ex. Let me know if this sounds crazy to you guys.
If what happened to Gazelle happened to me, alarmbells would go off. Because I had an ex who HATED all of my friends, especially the outgoing ones who would just drop by. He was always saying they were “snooping” and would go to great lengths to cut me off from my friends. He’d make up stuff about them, or over-exagerate their flaws. I don’t know why, but I instantly thought of this when I read the OP.
Like I said, that’s just me, maybe I’m being paraniod. I don’t know.
Just because he doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with Heidi anymore!
Well, now that Chimera has given us the go ahead, I guess we can all just get on with our lives. Now that she’s made her POINT nothing else needs to be discussed.
Right.
Listen you obnoxious, condescending snot-box, we were doing just fine with this thread before you showed up, and we’ll do just fine when you leave. Why don’t you go turd some of your “bon-mots” elsewhere, umm K?
Well fuck you too. Good thing I don’t give two shits about what you think of me.
Perhaps you should go back and re-read the thread. You might notice that I posted to this thread long before you and raised the same issue that you did in your post. Of course, YOU just had to jump in and rub the exact same point in her face, didn’t you. You hypocritical selfish fuck! :rolleyes: How dare you raise an issue that had already been pointed out and heartlessly rub her face in it!
Gosh I love people like you. <lol> Cluelessly rolling straight into self-righteous anger.
So, if your point had been raised and taken pages ago, why’d you feel the need to drag it up yet again? You made your point, she acknowledged your point, and she asked that people accept that she acknowledged it and quit harping on it. So why the need to bring it up again? Why the need to bitch about her asking people to just fucking drop it already? I mean, really, what do you expect her to do, listen to people beating the same dead horse while saying “Yes, yes, you’re so right, I’m such a complete and total shitstain”?
So she asked people to quit harping on something that had already been done to death. Big fucking deal. That doesn’t make her a selfish, petulant child, you know. It just makes her a normal human being like the rest of us. Nobody likes to keep recovering the same ground over and over and over and over and over again. It’s stupid, boring, and completely unproductive, and if somebody’s too stupid to realize that, or too lazy to read the damn thread, they deserve to be told to sit down and shut the hell up already.
I started to think about this and I regret implying to Gazelle that her friend Heidi is in on it and therefore sucks as well. Don’t know if he is abusive, not enough information to say, but him being such a rude lazy ass sure makes you wonder.
Have you ever though he was a good guy and enjoyed his company Gazelle?
I don’t understand it either. I think that all of this came to a head in the last few months. And the reason I kept denying that I was being rude by stopping over is that I know that Heidi would be assertive with me and tell me that that behavior bugged her.
Heidi is unlike her husband in exactly this way. She and Bob have declined our invitations several times over the last six years, with no excuses needed or offered.
I think the last three quick stopovers, which happened within the last six weeks or so, were catalysts. Along with the incredible audacity I displayed in wanting to play Risk and inviting a “random person” over.
Yes. I really have enjoyed his company in the past. We’ve had lots of fun; I have a photo that I carry in my purse that shows him, me, and my husband laughing our butts off.
But he can be an asshole sometimes. He gets unreasonably angry every once in a while (at someone in our group of friends, not just me), goes away for a while, then comes back and everything seems fine. He also has little tolerance for mistakes, i.e. missing an exit on the highway. On a trip once, I heard him angrily tell Heidi, “Well if you would just think, this wouldn’t happen.” Oh yeah, that’s really helpful. We also used to play EQ (look, more geek evidence!) together and would conference call so we could talk to each other while we played. Heidi was the n00b of the four of us and would make the typical mistakes everyone makes… He would yell at her while we were on the phone and once again, remind her that she needs to think!
Being embarrassed is my pet peeve; that would make me so angry if I were Heidi.
Oh and the Risk game is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon at 3:00 p.m.
Larry, Manny, and Tom are coming. Jerrie can’t.
Here I go, opening up another can of worms.
I have told all three of them that Bob and I are no longer friends. Here’s what I wrote to them:
Yes, I’m aware that this is not the most unbiased and straight-down-the-middle email. But I will stick to my commitment and leave the subject of Bob alone. My husband is really good about this kind of thing. He doesn’t talk about people behind their backs and he’ll help keep me on track.
The good news is that all three of the guys wrote back and said, “That sucks.”
Manny wrote, “That deal with Bob is just sad. That boy ain’t quite right, if you ask me… Looking forward to Saturday without the poopy-head…”
Good for you, Gazelle! You aren’t going to lose your friends over this. I had to make a decision about someone who was rude, disruptive, and a general pain in the ass- but he showed up every game day. I finally had enough after letting it go on much too long, but everyone was relieved when it was finally over.
Now, get out there and conquer that world! Rename the countries you conquer for Dopers, for the fun of it.
PS- I hope you can work things out with Heidi. It sounds like she will need a friend.
Let me guess. He gets incredibly bent out of shape over a little bit of nothing, spews exceedingly venomous comments to and about the object of his ire, disappears for a while, then pops back up as if nothing had ever happened. He never apologizes, and people never ask him to, because “that’s just how he is.” And the next time he gets mad at that person, that offense gets dredged up in his new attack, even when the person in question has apologized repeatedly. Am I pretty close? Been there, done that so many times I quit even looking at the t-shirt stand.
I just finished up with somebody like that a few months ago, except it took me three times as long to wise up. In a lot of ways, it sucks, because we used to have a lot of fun together, and she was one of the fixtures in my life when I was growing up. I miss that part of her. At the same time, though, it’s really nice to not have to worry about being blindsided over some little thing I said or did without thinking, with every minor infraction of the last five or ten years thrown up in my face as evidence of what an asshole I am. I certainly don’t miss that part of her.
Once the shock and anger of his attack wears off, you’ll probably feel sad about letting go of the jerk. You might feel even more sad than you were angry when you first read the email. And that’s okay. It’s okay to mourn the loss of the parts of the guy you liked, because he was a large and valued part of your life. The acceptance phase may take longer for you to reach the acceptance point, what with him living right under your nose and all, but it’ll happen. It’s always going to suck that the good parts of your frienship ended, but it’ll always feel good to know that you never have to deal with shitty parts again.
Gazelle, I also see a disconnect between your view and Bob’s view of your friendship with Heidi. You say that she’s assertive enough to say, “Nah, don’t bother - we need some alone time.” However, Bob’s got a different view - he says that she feels obligated to extend a polite but unwanted invitation when you call. There’s some other examples in the letter like this.
There’s something goofy going on here - either she’s not being honest with you about your friendship or she’s not being honest with Bob about her friendship with you (perhaps trying to downplay that friendship because he doesn’t like you and she knows it - kind of a “yeah, she annoys me too,” preserve the relationship, nod and wink kind of thing).
That said, I don’t know what I’d do about it. Bringing it up to her might ruin your friendship with Heidi, which I’m not certain is something you want to lose. Likewise, asking her if she downplays your friendship for Bob because of his feelings might cause weirdness too. I dunno - perhaps minimizing all contact with Bob, while calling Heidi up for weekly/bi-monthly/monthly ladies’ nights or spa visits or chick flicks is the way to go.
That’s an icky situation and my feelings are with you. We’re pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
