Naughty Kid Rhymes and Songs

Another morbid as opposed to “naughty” one:

When you see a hearse drive by
You know that you are next to die
They wrap you up in bloody sheets
and put you down about 6 feet deep
For days and days and weeks and weeks
untill your coffin springs a leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
The worms play pinochle on your snout.
One worm that is not too shy
crawls in your ear and out your eye
and puss comes out like pink whipped cream
oh me without my spoon

The version of “One and One” that I grew up with is basically represented by these 2livecrew lyrics

A whole ton of these sound familiar.

Does anyone remember the spoof about the Titanic - the real song when something like

So Sad (so sad)
so Sad (so sad)
it was sad when the gre-eat ship went down
(something about the) husbands and wives - even children lost their lives
it was sad went the great ship went down.

When I moved to a new town, they sang a spoof of this song and, as an 8-year-old oh man was I not cool for not knowing it - it went something like

So great (so great)
so great (so great)
it was great when when the sad ship went down
(something about the) uncles and aunts - even children lost their pants
it was great when the sad ship went down

a pathetic little tune, I know, but darn it - it mattered back then…

I remember this rhyme - it started with “I was walking through the jungle with my c*ck in my hand” that basically served no purpose other than to say swear words - little boys are so easy to please…but this particular rhyme invoked racist phrases, too, so i’m not going to dignify it (snort!) by stating the whole thing here…

My Father taught us a variation of that one:

Gandma’s in the cellar
Mercy, can’t you smell her
Makin’ biscuits on that darned ol’ dirty stove?
(Dirty stove)
In her eye there is a matter
Which keeps drippin’ in the batter
And she whistles while the <snort> runs down her nose

He also taught us:

I know a girl named Sassafras
She has pimples on her ass
Some are big
Some are small
Some you can’t even see at all.

Needless to say, he did not teach us these songs while my mother was around. Just as Pinky will not learn these songs anywhere within earshot of my Wife.

Joy to the world
the teacher’s dead
we barbequed her head
they’re looking for the principal
he’s hanging by the flagpole
with a rope around his neck
with a rope around his neck
Joy-oy to the world
the school burned down

(segue into the already posted Deck the Halls with gasoline)

my elementary school’s principal actually found that one amusing.

I find it amazing just how many of these songs I knew when I was 9 years old…this was the pre-internet day and we certainly didn’t learn these from TV, so how did they manage to get so widespread?

Tarzan swings
Tarzan falls
Tarzan breaks his mighty balls.
Tarzan scream
Tarzan yell
Tarzan’s sack begins to swell.

One that made little sense, probably a fragment of a longer song…

She was comin’ round the mountain when it broke,
She was comin’ round the mountain when it broke,
Well, they found her in the grass with the muffler up her ass,
And her tits playing Dixie on the spokes!

And the classic dirty sea-chanty:

It was on the good ship Venus, by Christ ya shoulda seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed, a-suckin’ on a penis!
The captain of this lugger, he was a filthy bugger
He wasn’t fit to shovel shit from one end to another!

Chorus: Friggin’ in the riggin’, friggin’ in the riggin’ friggin’ in the riggin’
There was fuck-all else to do!

The first mate’s name was Andy, by Christ he had a dandy
‘Till they crushed his cock with a jack and block for comin’ in the brandy!
The cabin boy was Chipper, he was a little nipper
He stuffed his ass with a broken glass, and circumsized the skipper!

Chorus and many, many more verses.

Oooo, another one:

(Sung to the theme of circa 1980 animated cartoon “Godzilla”)

Up from the tub
Naked and high
Breathing ganja*
She’s got a glass eye!
Aunt Mathilda! (dum-da-da-dum!)
Aunt Mathilda! (dum-da-da-dum!)
Aunt Mathildaaaa!

*[or “marijuana” instead of “ganja”…but this kinda breaks the meter]

Do your tits (balls, ears) hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em over your shoulder,
Like a Continental Soldier?
Do your tits…
hang…
low?

Do your balls hang high?
Can you fly them in the sky?
Can you beat your meat on an airplane seat?
Can you swing them through the breeze
Like the monkeys in the trees?
Do your balls hang high?

I do remember the “bowlegged women” version. But I also remember this:

I’m Popeye the sailor man.
I live in a frying pan.
I step on the gas
And blow up my ass
I’m Popeye the sailor man.

Heigh ho, Heigh ho,
It’s off to work we go
With a bottle of beer and a boot in the rear
Heigh ho, heigh ho.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do some hanky panky
Jill forgot to take her pill
and out came little Frankie.

This was one that my nephew made up after listening to the theme from the Hulk cartoon

Doctor Banner
Bite my banana.

We had a lot of those too. Our version of Jesus Christ Superstar had him “wearing a ladies’ bra.” Unlike all those other kinds of bras, of course.

Our version of ip dip was extremely sweary. Even as an adult, it’s the only version that comes to mind when I need to do ip-dip:

Ip dip dog shit
Fucking bastard, dirty git
You are not it.

Good lord, it’s like my childhood has come back to haunt me.

Looking back, I hope my first grade teacher Miss Picchini never heard us singing this one:

Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
Miss Picchini
Bit my weenie
Now it doesn’t work.

The diarrhoea song- we had some others:

When you’re climbing up a ladder & suddenly loose you bladder… uhh uhh Diarrhoea uhh uhh Diarrhoea

When you’re sitting on the grass & something slops out your ass… uhh uhh Diarrhoea

When you’re sitting on the dunny & feel something funny… Diarrhoea uhh uhh Diarrhoea

When the teacher in your class hears an explosion from your ass… Diarrhoea uhh uhh Diarrhoea

Hahaha ahhh the good old days. Fun times.

Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Concentrated birdy feet
Mutilated monkey meat
Three large jars of
all-purpose porpoise pus
to eat without a spoo-o-o-on

Interesting little variations of the way I remember a lot of these.
Ours was:
Great big jars of
all-purpose porpoise pus
and I forgot my straw.

Come listen to a story ‘bout a man named Jed
Had a lot of hair but it wasn’t on his head
Then one day he was shootin’ at some food
When up from the ground came a redhead, nude

Bare ass. Buck naked.

Well, the next thing you know, ol’ Jed’s in bed
Screwing the shit out of ol’ redhead
Here comes Granny with a hickory stick
Gonna beat the shit out of ol’ Jed’s dick

I still think of this from time to time. Our version appears to be a little different.
Red, red, you wet the bed
Pink pink, you stink
blue blue, you got the flu.
Green had something to do with a washing machine.
And that’s all I remember.

The version I learned was:

Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Chopped up birdies feet
French fried eyeballs soaked in kerosene
And me without a spoon

Have we done this one yet?

This land is my land, this land ain’t your land
I’ve got a shotgun, and you don’t got one
If you don’t get off, I’ll blow your head off
This land is made for only me

My Daddy lies over the ocean
My Daddy lies over the sea
My Daddy lies over my Mommy
And that’s the beginning of me

Here’s the ones I remember. I added spoiler blurs to the really offensive / raunchy ones. Some of these are partially reconstructed from Internet sources but I wrote the parts I do remember in the form in which I remember them.

Learned this at the age of 6 at school:

Deck the halls with poison Ivy
Fa la la la la la la la la
Break the window, pop the tire
Fa la la la la la la la la
Set the teacher’s hair on fire
Fa la la la la la la la la

Learned this really sick one at the age of 7 at day camp:

On top of the schoolhouse
All covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher
With a red rubber band

I went to her funeral
I went to her grave
All the people threw flowers
I threw a grenade

The following day
She wasn’t quite dead
I took a machete
And sliced off her head

I put her in stew
And ate her up
And now my poor teacher
Is nothing but mush

We would sing this one in the school bus when I was 9 when some kid actually or allegedly broke wind:

Going down the highway, Highway 44,
(kid’s name) blew a big one and knocked us out the door.
The wheels couldn’t take it, the engine fell apart,
All because of (said kid) and his supersonic fart.

In Grade 9, I was delighted to find the following two written on the wall of a washroom at school:

O thou cunt, thou dark and dismal slit,
Covered with hair and smelling of shit
Like a cat’s ass thou dost smell bad
But o thou cunt, thou must be had

And

I sat with the duchess at tea
She asked: “Do you fart when you pee?”
I answered with wit: “Do you belch when you shit?”
And I thought it was one-up for me

I also remember a rather weird one, “When Pebbles was a Baby”, one version can be found here. I never memorized most of it, much of it, though, is not particularly raunchy. I do remember this line though: “Ooh, aah! I lost my bra! I left it in my boyfriend’s car!”

My ex-wife and I were babysitting our three-year-old nephew when he broke out in song:

Yankee Doodle came to town
Riding on a baby
Turned the corner just in time
To see a naked lady.

Cracked us up, especially the ‘riding on a baby’ part.