Good point.
Look, all she said was that fucking her boss was good enough for Jehovah.
Regards,
Shodan
nongoog, may I make some suggestions based on experience…
First, my experience. I had an “affair” with my married boss when I was 22. In my case, it was less than fully consentual as I “really needed the job” and didn’t trust him to not can my ass. I wasn’t attracted to him, was raped the first time, and continued because my choices were (in my mind) get fired or get fired or give in. However, during the course of the “relationship” I was capable of justifying it and actually could work up some tender feelings for the bastard (still can - he was a misguided jerk, but he did have good qualities).
First off, acknowledge that no matter how bad his marriage was or if his wife was screwing the Pittsburgh Steelers, unless they both acknowledged the marriage as open, it was cheating and you voluntarily participated and bear some responsibility. To some people, you will always be a slut for this behavior and there are no excuses.
Second, acknowledge that this guy’s behavior to not only his wife, but to you, was inappropriate. I don’t care if his loins burned like hot embers for you, you don’t romance and have sex with a subordinate. It doesn’t matter if you returned his lust, his position of authority meant he should know better and keep his pants zipped up.
Third, recognize that no matter what the attraction, the vagina does not contain a giant vaccum capable of sucking a man’s penis out of his pants and inserting it. Human beings made those decisions. If you were carried away by passion, that is no better than hitting a child in anger or shoplifting something because you wanted it. You state you feel guilt, but we don’t feel the guilt in your posts - we get justifications “his wife is psycho, she was cheating on him” - all that doesn’t matter.
Then, stop believing this guy is smart - or at least stop trying to convince US he is smart. He may be a very intellegent financial mucky muck or whatever, but in this case he completely thought with the little head between his legs - the one without any brains. Ask yourself WHY any man who was having issues in his marriage would hire a woman he was attracted to, especially when part of the job was to interface with his wife and know the yucky details of his troubled marriage. He set you up (he set himself up, too). People who are self aware look at this situation and say “gee, lets see if I can hire a 45 year old profession admin assistant who is married with three kids and looks like the Pittsburgh Steelers.” or “maybe I should hire the gay guy.” Yeah, its discrimantory not to hire the cute 24 year old with the skirt above her knees - but that was the LAST thing this guy needed in his life - and that was stupid.
You should have NEVER been put into the situation where you had to make these choices, but you were, and the choices you made were poor. Hell, I did it because I thought I’d lose my job and house (and because I was physically raped) and I made poor choices that contributed to that - I didn’t set boundries firm enough, I didn’t go to HR when the boundries were first crossed, I didn’t understand my rights on day one.
I DO think you were victimized - I don’t think you recognize it, but I do think it happened. If not, then you were simply out to get off - and you deserve every epithat of bimbo and slut (and worse) being flung at you on this board. And I don’t think you should leave your job or leave this guy alone - he doesn’t DESERVE that - even if you are a complete slut who slept with a married man for fun. He fucked up his marriage - or maybe it was fucked up before, I don’t think you bear any responsiblity to help him fix it. But, I think he deserves your sympathy and support even less. HE has put YOU in an incredibly awkward and difficult position.
I think you need to become more self aware - decide on the type of person you want to be and work to become that person. I think you need to decide on what qualities the guys you will date will have - and look at the list and see if it has depth and meaning. From this case and the Christmas one, I really feel that you are blinded by financial success. Saying “I want to date guys who are financially stable and capable of holding a job” is one thing - deciding to date guys where the criteria is rich and you’ll date a lot of jerks who will use you like kleenex. Ask yourself “if this guy is such a catch, why is he available to me” The answer will be 1) he is a slut or 2) he hasn’t met the right woman yet. You’ll want to answer #2 every time - the way to check is to date him for a while without putting out or just be his friend. Now, the possibility exists that you yourself are only out for a good time - that’s fine - but if that is the case, don’t get emotionally involved with your toys and don’t treat the office as a toybox.
Well said, lady. I tip my hat to you!
Nongoog, please, listen to her.
I have a stong feeling that she isn’t the one that “wrecked” this marriage. It seems that the guy is a jerk who has a wife that didn’t want to deal with him even on daily issues. He decides to seduce his secretary which I doubt was his first try at infidelity . Marriages are generally pretty over by the time someone is casting his manhood into someone elses pond. NG may have added to the list but I am certain it was a long and involved one.
As far as the link as to the post how can she help? We call know she can’t and should find another job. This could possibly get much worse and her distancing herself is the only logical step.
What can I say? When you’re right, you’re right. In my defense it was late and I was sitting on my porch in the dark with a smoke in one hand. But my spelling is for shit anyway, as is my ability to communicate. I was not meaning to defend nongoog for her actions on the board.
Well it sounds like you can admit you have made some mistakes. Don’t get me wrong , how you feel about what you have done is your choice. But as every one here knows if you don’t learn from your mistakes and maybe even try to make them right, it kind of devalues your having to live through it . You don’t sound like your purposely trying to do wrong and I can see you are trying to learn from what has transpired even if you come here to ask advice. You should use caution though because as you can see some will judge you without giving it a second thought. I will tell you that even what I see in this thread tells me you are kind of winning some of the more thoughtful posters over. Just keep trying to do what is right. Thats all anyone can ask of you, even yourself.
What I was saying was If I was driving down the street and I saw someone thrashing you, robbing you, whatever, I would do whatever it took to see that you lived. Up to and including dying . It is the same I would do for anyone. How do you think I would feel knowing that the person I was helping was you ? Hence, recognizing your face ? I don’t know how it would feel but still It would not stop me even knowing your dislike for me. The reference to the plane and canopy refers to the flags of your enemy you put on your plane after every kill. Well even the baddest pilots ever have had only about 50 kills. I could be kind of off on that figure but my point is your plane would be covered from prop to tail with the emblems of your enemy. You seem to kind of delight in bashing people . I refuse to judge you for it though because that’s not my bag. But I figured if you delighted so much in pointing out my flaws I feel fairly sure I’m not the first nor will I be the last . The rest , well that would be you continuing to do exactly the same to others as you do to me. Hopefully even if you think I’m crazy or some of the more colorful words you have used to describe me in the past, you’ll think about this the next time you feel the need to take a dump on someone. Or maybe not . I would like to add, however, the post about people taking a dump on noongoog for being human touched me and I couldn’t agree more. I can still learn from you so don’t think I dislike you in the least . I just know a lot about bashing people. When I was younger I would tell people to their face the things that you say here . So Peace be with you .
Dude, I don’t hate you or even dislike you. You just confuse the shit out of me sometimes. And sometimes you don’t, which confuses me also.
No, but you’lll chastise me for stating the truth in regards to her actions. WTH? Keep your sanctimony for future use. You have come across as condoning fucking around ( at least in my eyes)–is this your stance? Vows, marriage, mean nothing to you? Whatever floats your boat. Luckily, I have not been in this position (I would be the wife, having too much sense to fuck my boss), but I have friends who have. I am a somewhat laid back person, but not with this stuff.
There is no defense for fucking around on your spouse–or being the one who is aiding and abetting the fucking. I don’t care if the wife is a combo of Leona Helmsley and Roseanne. I also don’t care which spouse it is–it is wrong for either one.
Marriage is marriage. Mr Exec Who Can’t Keep It In His Pants is as much to blame, if not more so, because he has the authority position–but I disagree with those here claim she was victimized. She is too causal about the sex and the relationship to be a victim, IMO. This is not the first time this has happened (although I am not clear if Mr Cheapo Holiday Present was a boss).
My primary beef with Ms Chippy is the whole, “We’re past the sex part” . Come again? (sorry, bad pun). I dont’ think so. I also know that I wasn’t this er, ignorant at 24 regarding marital relations OR appropriate workplace behavior. She may well be named in the divorce suit, an occurrence that just proves that for the wife at least, she is NOT past the sex part. How very narrowminded of her. She should just take a chill pill, 'cause it’s just sex. And since Mr EWCKIIHP is all cut up about this divorce thingy-seems HE isn’t past the sex, either.And there are those pesky kids, who just might not take to this divorce well… Only one left wondering what all the fuss is about is our Ms Chippy. And you want to be sympathetic and supportive of her? oh, hell, no.
As I stated, IMO, she needs to get some help, keep her clothes ON at work and stop fucking her bosses. But she also needs to get a new job.
Great, now I have “The Bodyguard” theme going through my head.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I have “Aerosol Jesus” in my head, sung to the tune of Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus”.
Your own Aerosol Jesus
Someone to freshen the air
Someone who cares
Fuck the both of you. Now I have both tunes combined going through my head!
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii have my own Aerosol Jesuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus!!
That hurt my brain.
This was my thought. If this is a contested divorce, and it sounds like it will be, there is a chance she will be deposed in this. And given that she thinks people here are being cruel, I don’t think nongoog is going to enjoy 8 hours under oath of an attorney asking her detailed questions about the what, when, and where of her sex life, as well as any arrangements that may have been made regarding severance pay etc if she has to leave. I’m not a family lawyer (thank God) but depositions in regular civil litigation can get unpleasant enough. I would hate to think about having to testify about my sex life under oath.
villa --perhaps that would be “punishment” enough for her. I can’t imagine having to testify about sex. <shudders> Then again, an exhibitionist, consciencless person may just enjoy the whole thing.
I wouldn’t wish it on her or anyone else (well almost anyone else), eleanorigby. But it is a very good reason not to sleep with people who claim to be in the end stages of crappy, ugly marriages. I’d also caution her to be very wary about believing everything men say about the state of their marriages when trying to get younger women to sleep with them. There’s a small percentage of men (who get us paladins a bad name) who might tell the odd fib or two in that situation.
“My wife doesn’t understand me…”
Or should that be…
“My wife doesn’t; understand me…”
I’ll second that and raise you a be wary of anything men say until you know they can be trusted . Sex , money and power are the big 3 of what men will lie like little boys for.
And if she fell for that, she can get in line between thousands of naive women who have done so before her.
They don’t need punishment (although, as I said in my first post to this thread, there usually is some sort of karmic retribution - they either wise up and realize how stupid they were, or 20 years down the road get to play the role of wife, or 20 years down the road are still playing the role of mistress - and neither of the last two are pretty - and the first means becoming aware of your own faults and responsibilities).
Sometimes, I admit, I don’t understand why we vilify the other women - and this is someone whose first husband slept around and keeps a “bimbo list.” None of those women made vows to me. My ex husband wasn’t my property - he was a human being with his own free will. Unless they raped him, he bears culpability for his own actions. I’m pretty sure I know some of the stories he told. Would I put the moves on someone else’s husband? - no. Do I think women who do are lacking in some sort of ethical reasoning? yes. Do I think they are stupid to put themselves in that situation? Yes - it seldom turns out well for them. But I certainly don’t think they should be hanged. Castrate the bastard who made the promise to begin with. In the end, it shouldn’t matter if Selma Hayak does the dance of the seven veils in front of my husband and says “take me, now!”
I don’t think you hate me. I save mine just like my love.They both require a great effort in my opinion. I’ll try to make more sense as like I say, I wan’t to learn here. I’m pretty sure Dio doesn’t know what to make of me either but I just know he is going to teach me something I need to learn in the worst way . You ever just know something is going to happen ? Like when you get a little scared and you get butterflys in your stomach? But this is in a good way. I’ll keep an eye out for you. You and I still have things to speak about that will help me on my journey.
Dangerosa–well said. I don’t villify her more than the soon to be ex. But they both knew what they were doing was wrong.
Omegaman–not to be mean or anything, but the more you try to explain, the more my head hurts. It sounds vaguely like you’re stalking askeptic on the bb to me. And what does, “I save mine just like my love” mean? Does that mean you save your hate just like your love? What does that even mean?
He could make a hat, or a brooch, or a pterodactyl…