When I was 23, I dated a woman who was 38. She was divorced with two kids and I was closer in age to her daughter than I was to her. She was the spitting image of Linda Carter of Wonder Woman fame and I was infatuated with her. It was a friendship and sex based relationship with no promise from either of us of something more, and I think we wanted it that way.
She was going through some issues with the ex, who was a wealthy lawyer and both of us had careers so no weirdness there. I met the kids somewhere around date five or so, right after we had sex for the first time. I got along with them great and they were usually a part of our dates, which typically involved going to the movies and taking hikes or getting some other exercise, and lunch or dinner.
We dated for about a year and a half and went on vacation together near the end (without the kids). Shortly thereafter she told me she was interested in getting married again and realized that wasn’t what I wanted so we agree to break up and she started dating someone else closer to her age who also had kids. She came to my wedding three years after that and even brought her son as her date. We’ve since drifted apart, but I never had a problem with the kids. Having sex before meeting the kids, however, really helped in my case. I should also mention that the sex was mind-blowing, so that probably helped too :).
I’m happily married, but if I ever found myself single again, I can’t imagine why I wouldn’t date a single Mom. Having a two year old might be a bit of a challenge, only because that is when they are at their brattiest, so I’d ease anyone into your kid and try to arrange it so your date meets them when they are least likely to be in tantrum mode. I’d be vary honest about the kid upfront too. If there’s a spark between you it won’t matter to the guy in my opinion. Hell, at your age and assuming you will be dating men of the same age, they can virtually be assured you will have kids and/or be divorced. How many single women AREN’T at that age? Hell, I’d be more suspicious of a single woman WITHOUT any of those factors because anyone worth having would have been around the block at least once by that point in their lives. If you’re attractive, trust me that guys will want you…and normal ones too…
Just so you know, it’s not only single parents of babies who share that feeling, too. (“Hmm… oh yeah, honey that’s nice… wait, what’s that noise? Crap. It’s your turn to pick him up, you know.”)
Anyway, I agree:
For many men, being a mother is a deal-breaker. Unless you’re just looking for a one-night stand, you want to get rid of these guys up-front, so I’d disclose before the first date (but it can wait until he asks you out; no need to push it).
The older the man, the more likely he’ll be in the second group: it’s not a deal-breaker. Maybe mostly a net negative (some extra hassles and complications), but can be overcome.
Finally, for single fathers, I think it’s almost always a big plus.
My guess is there’s a line between your child meeting every person you go on a date with, and waiting until engagement is in the air. Surely she meets some of your minor friends on occasion, right? No need to go into details about what kind of friend this guy is (especially for a two-year old). But I’d want to see how he is with her before getting too serious. (and frankly, if he doesn’t want to meet her, isn’t that kind of red flag? After all, she’s the most important part of your life; if he really likes you, he’ll want to meet her). I’m saying somewhere between second date and dropping hints about what kind of engagement ring you like.
If you’re on a dating site, then it will be right there in your profile and then men who aren’t into it won’t even approach you.
I recently asked a woman out and she said something like, “I have a five and a seven year old, still interested?” (Then she said, “Before I had my kids, I was a lawyer, how about now?”) That was a good way to go.
Maastricht.. i think you have to take into account the rapidly growing phenomenon of men who really really dislike women. I discard such comments as bitter statements from guys who think supermodels should be knocking on their door but aren’t willing to put themselves out there.
As for the OP.. I dated single moms when I was in my twenties.. and a few after my divorce. I think I learned a lot about the women in how they viewed and spoke of their kids. The crazy ex was always a concern because I carry a gun.. and you try to avoid potential violent entanglements. It’s easily doable.. Lucky I found a wonderful woman who puts up with me having the run out and handle my teenagers.. As for my ex.. I like it when she’s dating.. a happy ex wife equals happy kids.. equally happy part time dad..
I am a single father and I don’t disqualify single mothers. I have been out with a number of them. I don’t plan on getting married again so it isn’t that big of an issue for me. I like kids and I don’t want a clingy girlfriend either so it is good that she has something else to occupy her time and it helps her understand my situation.
I haven’t had problems getting dates as a single father. It is obviously an issue for some prospects but they still go with me a at least couple of time.
If you are ever in the Boston area, I will take you out. See, you already have an offer.
You don’t have to bench press twice your bodyweight or be able to crack a coconut between your thighs, but to be frank in online dating or even real life dating you get one lookover before the person stays or moves on. A few lbs is not a big deal, and some curves are always good, but if you are are tending to hefty (for men or women) you will often get screened out.
That is unquestionably true and there is no reason to make apologies for it. Those of us who eat right and work hard to stay fit generally want the same in a partner.
Somewhat off topic: That’s one of the things I hated about online dating. It made me shallow in a way I ordinarily am not. In real life I can meet someone at a party, or while volunteering, or in a sports league, or under some other circumstance where a conversation, rather than a quick once over of physical appearance alone, most often leads to a spark. With online dating, nobody has enough time to read through the profiles of every single person in their age/location range, or even enough time to sift through everyone who messages them. For me, it was always glance at picture, and if not fit and attractive, move on. If I found his photo attractive, then I would read his profile.
In meatspace, the quickest way into my pants is to make me laugh, but in the endless sea of internet dating profiles (and comparatively non-existent time to get to know people), if I look at your photo and think, “Could you some time in the gym,” it’s never gonna happen.
Totally undateable, but I have an extreme aversion to fatherhood. If my wife became pregnant, it’d be fine, because I already love her. Even though I really can’t stand kids, I’d work through it. But if I were single again, a single mom wouldn’t even be on my radar - she may as well be married.
I would agree with this, but only if you are trying to only date within a few years of your own age. The younger the man, the less likely he is to want to date a single mom, as a general rule.
This is probably why so many single moms in their 20s I have known, ended up marrying (or remarrying) men 10+ years older.
Single men in in the age range I assume alice would be most interested in (say, 35-45) are less likely to consider it a dealbreaker, and many will be divorced or single parents with kids of their own.
My ex-wife had a five year old when we met. Now at 45 I’m dating a 37 year old who has two kids. And my female friends tried to convince me that I’m a good catch. So there is one data point.
Yah, the whole online dating thing seems rather unpleasant. I mean, I’m not particularly big - I’m 5’8" and usually wear a size 10 which is not teeny, but I only have one chin and don’t require my own zip code or anything. However, I don’t even know how I would describe myself on a dating site - curvy is the most accurate I think (I go in and out in all the right places) but I think ‘curvy’ is code for ‘I weigh 400 pounds and have one curve which is an O’.
Perhaps I will start batting my eyes a guys at work and see what happens - its a huge place so there are bound to be some single ones.
For some guys, *of course *it’s a dealbreaker. Kids are baggage. Everyone comes into a new relationship with a certain amount of baggage and time constraints, but kids (especially young kids) are more baggier and time-constraining than many other kinds.
But why do you care what guys think who wouldn’t date you anyway? Would you want to date a guy who didn’t want to date you because you have kids? No, of course not. So keep looking, if you want to date. You *will *face more rejection than if you were single and on the prowl, but hey. The kid’s worth it, right?
I definitely found that to be true, and I think that’s why I found more success meeting people for dates in real life than online. Online provided quantity, but not much quality. Case in point, I met my wife in person.
Oh, I don’t know about that - my company has about 6,000 employees so it’s not like it’s a small pool. I’ve also dated a few work people before and it’s never been an issue even after the relationship ended.
