Ok men, give it to me straight - does being a single mum make a woman undateable?

In My Humble Opinion
121

Probably, yes, you are the only one, other than those who’d like to put WANTED posters up.
I’ll tell you now, I’m Mr Ordinary, just a face in the crowd, 42 yr old, less hair on my head than my chin, and what’s left is salt & pepper. Only a stone overweight (ie. not a fat slob, but my six-pack is more like a 10 pack), all the worry lines and crow’s feet of a 42 yr old who spent a large part of his 20s partying. And my 30s. And the odd month or two since. You’d be disappointed, I assure you, that I’m not in worse shape, but I’ll not be winning any “handsome older gentleman” contests anytime.

Actually no, I’m a dead-ringer for Peter Stringfellow! Yeah, that’s better, 70 years old, going on 21.

Troppus, yes, found my niche, I’m a feckless slut and I love it, I do what I want, when I want to.
There is a lid for every pot, but the older every one of us gets, the lower we have to set our standards. I have found that many recently divorced 40 yr old women are looking for a wealthy George Clooney clone, who doesn’t fart, drink or swear, who listens well and likes giving foot massages to tired old leathery feet, and who will whisk them away from the drudgery of everyday life. Oh, AND he’ll love their little brat who has grown up to the sound of Mum & Dad fighting and domestic tension, subsequently becoming “quirky” ie. a little mental Tasmanian devil.

Maybe those men exist, but then I’m looking for a unicorn that farts rainbows, maybe we’ll both strike lucky. Not many men will put knowingly walk into that sort of crap, especially if they’re getting older, unless they themself are vulnerable, battered from their own previous relationship, are taking on water, and looking for any port in a storm.

Then there’s always blokes like me, single, footloose and fancy free, with a few quid in the bank and a good standard of living. I’d have to think carefully about shacking up with Elle McPherson, thanks to the brood of kiddies that would come with her. (Actually, I’ve thought about it, and it’s acceptable. Elle, gimme a call…)
We are selfish, arrogant and set in our ways - probably harder to live with than the single Mum’s ex-hubby.

What I’m saying is, there will be someone who will happily date a 40 yr old single Mum, but don’t be expecting a diamond - all the good blokes are spoken for, and their women don’t let them slip away. The ones left swimming around are third division (apart from me, I’m even lower), if the single Mum isn’t too fussy, she’ll find someone. (It helps if she can squeeze into that St Trinians outfit she bought for a hen party when she was 23)

She should look on the bright side though, I’m more wary of 40 yr old single women who have no kids. They must be Bat Shit Crazy surely, just a female version me? Oooh, what a thought, no thanks!!

122

I’d rather see a picture of Alice myself.
:slight_smile:

123

So, how does all this shake out once the children are no longer at home? I’m newly dating with two children who are living independent lives ( both married and not dependent on me or the ex for financial support.) Is that a whole new class? I find that many, but not all, men my age have college age children.

124

That is effectively like not having kids at all unless, unlike you, one of them is constantly needing mommy for financial or emotional support.

125

Oh, lawdy. Them’s fancy city living folk, what they don’t own ub house ub no car! FTR my dream is to buy an apartment and maybe a beater old van/station wagon to call my own. Oh wait – I take cabs whenever I want and still come out ahead of suckers who buy a noise0machine0slash0cart0slash0car.

126

You are a very strange man.

127

+1

128

This, I believe, is the current leader in the “Understatement of the year contest.”

129

My son (quoted above) asked me to chime in. When I met his dad, I had a 3 year old daughter. A few things that made “single mom dating” work

Virtually no drama from my ex–we had a healthy divorce, mutual respect, and a commitment to co-parenting.

Well behaved child.

Support from his family and an inclusive attitude that welcomed me and my daughter, delighting in a new grandchild/niece.

No urgent, desparate clingy need for a partner on my side of the equation.

A strong desire for a partner on his side–he was lonely, sick of the dating world and longed to belong and be part of a family. He often said my daughter was one of my best features. :).

Honestly, I would flip your question around and reverse the perspective: A man who finds no joy in your children - HE is undatable. Not you. You are a woman of quality. A treasure. Your child/children are an asset, and any man who doesn’t see it that way is not worth the time and effort to develop a relationship.

130

My sister has two children from two different dirtball fathers (about as big a dealbreaker as you can get) and was able to find and date a nice, stable man. They’ve been married happily for close to six years now. So there’s always hope.

131

I dated and married a single mom (with a 6-yo daughter). There were a couple of things I looked for–relationship between the ex and the mom, relationship between the ex and his daughter, and the relationship between the mom and her family.

Also, had she insisted on waiting until late in the game to introduce me to the daughter, that would have been a deal breaker for me. As far as I was concerned, mom and daughter were a package deal–how was I supposed to even consider anything long-term with the mom if I didn’t get to spend time with the daughter? I needed to make sure I liked them both.

I considered what others have said about the cost of me being second to the child. For me, that wasn’t a big concern. I figured if things worked out, we’d all be a family and I’d have my own kids with the mom. The only real “cost” would be that we’d have little “us” time that most couples enjoy prior to having kids. As for how things worked out: we’re still happily married, the 6-yo is now 16, and we have two more daughters.

132

OT maybe. I adopted my guy right out of the oven. I continued to date. But not for long–at his age 3 the latest. I had to make a call and the call was that I was not going to put him through men coming and going in his life. He came first. I came last, literally and figuratively. Or colloquially. LOL!

133

My situation is different. I am a single mom…recently widowed single mom. I am not looking to date now or for the next few years. But I can say one thing, my kids are pretty awesome and I am also pretty awesome except that I am a grieving mess right now. But that’s ok. Any guy who’d want to date me later on should be able to recognize all the the awesomeness and want to be part of it wholeheartedly :slight_smile:

Alice I know a lot of men have dated single moms and have entered stable long term relationships, so yeah…here’s hoping you find the right one.

134

Can we dial down the hostility towards people who don’t love kids? A guy who doesn’t find joy in Alice’s kids is definitely not right for Alice - it doesn’t make him a bad guy, though.

135

I don’t have hostility towards people who don’t like kids. I just consider them undatable by people who (a) have kids and (b) love them. Why in the world would one invest time and effort in a relationship where there is a core difference of that magnitude?

136

I can agree with as_u_wish on this. A man who does not find any joy in a prospective date’s children is, to Alice anyway, undateable. Alice is undoubtedly a woman of quality and a treasure (and this is coming from one who has followed her posts here for years), but she does have a young child, who is a big part of her life. A man, no matter how wonderful, who does not accept Alice and her child, is thus undateable. To Alice, anyway.

But not all women are single moms, and not all single moms are Alice, and not all single men want to date a childless woman (who may or may not want children) or a single mom. That’s fair enough; people have all kinds of wants and wishes. I think as long as both parties make their current situations and desires and hopes known from the outset, then they are better off in the long run.

137

I was a single mom for 13 years before I met the man who’s now my husband. During that time I occasionally dated, not much as I have one of those special needs kids cornholio was disparaging and raising such a child takes a lot of time and energy. Plus that whole working for a living thing.

We met online, he knew from my profile that I was a parent, he’d never married or had kids or even wanted any, yet somehow it all worked out.

I disagree about waiting for six months or X dates to introduce a potential guy to the kid. I suppose because I think that for people out of their twenties, it doesn’t take quite as long dating-wise to figure out if it’s going anywhere. Sure, on the one hand I know you’d never have a parade of guys popping through Junior’s daily life, but on the other hand, wouldn’t you want to see how a potential mate interacts with Junior before elevating him to “serious” status? If you count email and chatting on the phone and all the other ways we get to know someone at the beginning of a relationship, it seems like the “could be serious” mark happens a lot sooner than 6 months or whatever, and if the guy and kid aren’t going to work out for whatever reason, better to know that sooner rather than waste everyone’s time.

138

Agreed. I understand that as_u_wish was just trying to be practical, and in that sense s/he is correct, but the post came out as a bit insulting to any man who wouldn’t lunge at the opportunity to date a mom.

I am happy that there are men who will date single moms, but I have to admit I’ve always found the prospect of dating someone with kids (when you are looking for a long-term relationship) to be very odd. It’s a big enough deal to fall in love with ONE person. Each child that the potential mate brings to the relationship means you essentially have to fall in love with another person, just because. Now, I’ve known kids I could fall in love with (in the sense that I could see caring about them so much that I would willingly take on parenting responsibilities), and I’ve known grown-ups I could fall in love with, but I don’t know that I’ve ever met a man AND a kid, as a pair, that both seemed so lovable to me.

139

Hi, I’m the founder of a little known organization in Arkansas called Men For Women With Kids or M4WWK. I founded my organization three years ago, and we began with a group of about seven guys.
We have grown to over 150, not just in Arkansas, but scattered across the USA and a few in Canada.
At M4WWK, we try to make women with kids feel better about their chances of meeting a good, stable guy interested in marriage. To become a member, the men must pass a standard test. A few of the questions include “If your girlfriend who has recently given birth complains of swollen nipples, what do you do?”, “When your girlfriend’s baby begins to cry, what is the first thing to be done?”, and “Do you allow your girlfriend’s children to call you ‘dad’?” We finish up the test by having them write a 150 word essay about what to do if your girlfriend won’t have sex because she is waiting until marriage due to the failed relationship with the father of her child.
This strict admission process allows us to only meet men who are serious about developing relationships with pregnant women and those who already have children.
We have many success stories, including my own.
Two years after I created M4WWK, I met my wife. She had four kids, an addiction to alcohol, and was six months pregnant with her fifth child when I first saw her in a dark alley. I began my relationship with her by buying her booze. The idea of women with kids just really turns me on, and I have an added fetish of alcohol addiction and prostitutes, so I know Veronika was the girl for me. We have been together for a year, and I steadily fuel her alcohol addiction and keep her pregnant most of the time.
If you want to meet more guys who are simply turned on by your pregnancy or motherhood, message me.

140

Someone’s going to have a hangover tomorrow.