Leonard: You don’t go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps!
I think the first part of that went something more like “My mother saying that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my father’s meatloaf,” and the second part specifically mentioned that they were Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.
Amy: It’s indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.
Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy: I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite.
“Gotcher back, Jack: bitches be crazy.”
Geology isn’t a real science!
I’m changing everything that depresses me, try not to be one of those things
You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
It’s official I’m a H.O. Train~E~ak
Amy: Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before.
Sheldon: … You mean like Salt Lake City?
“Hokie Pokie” is a young man’s game
Sheldon: The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.
Penny: Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.
In the morning I’ll send him an E-Mail letting him know… this body is never gonna be his wonderland
Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel: turns out that if you kill a starfish, it’ll just come back to life.
Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Flag! Flag! Not a flag! Flag!
Or: “Fwag! Fwag! Not a fwag! Fwag!”
You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept “Don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat”.
“Damn you Chaplain Horrigan! The Philippines, 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station; a young boy on the cusp of manhood; his only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitoes. Desperate and alone, he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving god, but who instead introduced him to a gin-pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat! What choice did he have but to drink, shoot, and snort his pain away!”
“Don’t forget his genetic predisposition toward addiction.”
Howard: How do vampires shave when they can’t see themselves in the mirror?
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other.
Pride & Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice-- it just works.
I have to feel sorry for myself, I’m the only one who cares
Who’s there?! Are you a sex criminal?!