Leonard (when Sheldon wakes him up again in the middle of the night): My life would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath.
Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s MY thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
Why are there 2 wine glasses on the table?
Well…I have 2 hands, and a bit of a drinking problem
The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle.
Oh thats a lot of incense~~or somebody set a hippie on fire!
Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would’ve been unthinkable.
Penny: I’m just a blond monkey to you ain’t I?
Sheldon: You said it
Sheldon: It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy: Like a dog boy.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Bernadette (drunk): Guess who won $100 playing craps? (shows Penny a chip)
Penny: That’s a dollar.
Bernadette: Then guess who wildly over-tipped a cocktail waitress.
Penny: You’re like a collectible action figure, and Ramona wants to collect you.
Sheldon: But Amy’s already taken me out of my box and played with me!
I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery.
Leonard (helping Althea with the crossword puzzle): One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov, 26 across is MCM, fourteen down is-- move your finger, phylum, which makes 14 across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s Port-au-Prince. Haiti.
Sheldon: Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.
Howard: What exactly are you looking up?
Sheldon: How do I get 12-year-old girls excited.
Leonard and Howard (together): No!
Another time, when he was interested in mines, he Googled “hot, dark and moist.”
“Oh, look! there’s a bunch of videos!”
Amy: You can get them [monkeys] addicted to harmful substances, remove their brains for study, but fling their own feces back at them, and suddenly you’re unprofessional.
[*Penny is performing on stage in *A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois]
Sheldon: When do we get to the part about the streetcars?
…
How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can’t remember “no tomato” on my hamburger?
I did a scene from that in drama class when I was 14, and I was completely whooshed by the part about the streetcars too.
Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish born, French educated Madame Curie. Co-discover of radioactivity. She was a hero of science until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became full with blood and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work I see no reason why that can’t also happen to any of you.
Amy (drunk): I came here to get a bottle of wine like Penny taught me to do when you’re sad.
It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.