Hello elninost0rm, I’m you from the future.
This is you now.
And this is where you may or may not find yourself down the road.
Best of luck.
Don’t discount the “ease of her finding a job” in the US. US companies are required to make sure that their employees have the “right to work” in this country. She would need to prove her identity and the right to work in the US.
She’s 26 and her father decides whom she can and cannot visit?
There are so many red flags waving in the wind with this situation, I can’t count them all. It sounds to me like she is happy the way things are and isn’t really interested in rocking the boat.
We discussed it last night, and it sure seems like it’s purely financial.
**She’s 26 and her father decides whom she can and cannot visit? **
Yes. “My house, my rules” sound familiar to you? It sure sounds familiar to me, and I’m only 22.
She confided in me that she does indeed have quite a bit of money saved, which would certainly help jump-start things if and when it comes to pass.
I’m not downplaying the importance of her getting a job, and certainly not downplaying the trials of immigrating/landing work, but she is willing to sell herself short for awhile if it means gaining the means for someone to seriously consider sponsoring her visa. It will require much thought and preparation, but nothing that is beyond us.
There are red flags. There will always be red flags with something like this, as there are certain variables that simply cannnot be predicted. I appreciate all of the input. Things like this can and have worked before. I’ll do my best.
I appreciate being blunt, but that wasn’t all that helpful, really…The situations are entirely different. I understand sarcasm was probably your intention, but meh…
Double post since I can’t edit: You can close this or whatever needs to be done. I greatly appreciate all the feedback, and making sure I know there are risks/negatives. Sometimes, one can be blinded by the positives…
Here’s some blunt advice. You are 22. You are considering having your on-line, telephone girlfriend from another country, that you have visited in real life twice, move to where you are and live together!!!
Buddy, you should find a girl in your proximity to date in a normal relationship. At 22 most guys don’t even have a clue about who they really are or what they want to be. Trust me you still have a lot of growing up to do. The last thing you want to do is coerce, convince, whatever you want to call it, some 26 year old girl to move in with you, that you have interacted with face to face only twice.
One other thing that nobody’s mentioned, and I hate to bring it up because it’ll sound pretty shitty… but I’ll throw it out there anyway…
What are the chances there’s more than one guy like you in her life? Would explain her hesitancy to commit and also why you haven’t met her father. I don’t recall seeing it mentioned, but have you met any of her other friends or family?
I don’t get this… so it is financial or not? Does she have enough money to move out or not?
Aaah, yes. This brings me back to the days when I was 19 and nostalgic story… blah blah blah. The end result was that years later I look back on it and say to myself “Oh my god, there were so many signs that it was going to be disastrous. Some of my friends even told me that he wasn’t right, and it wasn’t going to work out. If I could do it all over again, I would have listened and not tried to justify the storm that was brewing.” But you know, everyone needs to make little mistakes of their own to learn; that’s just part of growing up and figuring out what you really want. No amount of logic imposed on you by other people will make it happen… so good luck.
My fault for reading the thread again.
Probably the wrong place to ask for advice when the average audience is probably at least 10-15 years older than me. That’s not a BAD thing, but it’s just natural for you guys to assume the worst (after living through it).
Mistakes are supposed to be made. That’s how we grow. I trust her, she trusts me (as much as this allows, at least).
@Wilbo: Been there, done that. I don’t meet women easily (none really at work and the bar scene is teeming with women that just aren’t my type…normally in the slightest). There are other routes, sure, but none that are all that appealing.
Again, thanks all.
Classic. Ask for advice and when it’s not what you want to hear, then reject it. Best of luck to you.
I am from a strict immigrant family and I was out of the house at twenty, and I felt that was fairly late.
I wish you the best of luck and communication is the key. However, if she loves her dad, you will have difficulty down the line.
Friends of mine had a long term LDR that ended 6 years ago in the two of them marrying. It was HARD. They each traveled at least once a month to the other for 2 years before she sold all her stuff, packed up her car and emigrated to the US to live with him. The green card process was hard and long and insulting in so many ways but finally a year after they were married she was able to start looking for work. A year. That year almost killed their relationship.
So, short answer. Your girlfriend cannot just move in with you and get a job. You’ll be supporting her for at least 6 months after you are married. Also your girlfriend cannot just move in with you. She needs to apply for a fiancee visa and you have to be intending to marry at that time of application. Oh and if she doesn’t? Even after you’re married they can turn down her green card application.
The romance and father issues aside, the legal issues make this a non starter.
Sure, but she’s still an able-bodied, employed intelligent adult. If she wants to visit you badly enough, she would find a way to make it happen.
Think about what rules you would be willing to break for her. What would you risk for her? Does it seem like she’s willing to give of herself to the same degree? Rhetorical questions, no need to answer them publicly.
Back to my story: I lived under “my house my rules” too. It was my grandfather’s house. He did and said everything he could think of to prevent me from moving to Florida. At the end of the day, I was resourceful and determined and I wanted it badly enough that I was willing to defy the old man to go pursue my bliss. He didn’t like the idea, didn’t support it and not only didn’t help, but placed obstacles in my way. I wanted to make the move badly enough, so I found a way to make it happen. I simply packed up my car and drove off. Your GF could do that any time she wants to, rules or no rules.
My house my rules covers you not being allowed to stay over in her room. It maybe even covers her having to say where she is going at night. But not allowing you in the house to visit? Not allowing her to go to visit you? That’s not my house my rules, that is over controlling for someone who is > 18 years old. Many 26 year olds are married. Many have children. They do not need permission from parents to see people from the opposite sex - not in this or the past century, that is.
She may be four years older than you in physical age but she seems to be ten years younger in maturity. If you did get married by some miracle, would you want her father telling her how to raise your kids? This is her chance to grow up - if she can’t do it, you can do a lot better, as you seem like a pretty reasonable and together guy.
cheers You had clearly become an adult. This girl, and I use the term advisedly, hasn’t. There must be 50 ways to leave a parent, after all.
My dark suspicion is that she hasn’t told her family about the OP at all.
Another person chiming in with advice that you need but don’t want to hear:
There is *no financial reason *for her to be living at home right now. None. Zip, zero, zilch. I’m not saying she could afford a mansion, but a woman in her mid-20s with solid, full-time employment should at the least be able to afford a halfway decent apartment with a roommate. My college tuition was covered since I attended the university where my mom works, but everything else I had to pay for. Making anywhere from, oh, about $6 to $7 an hour (and certainly not full-time: probably at least 15 hours a week, maybe up to 30 in the summers), I paid for my own rent, food, utilities, phone, etc.
Heh - we are not necessarily assuming the worst; I’d say it’s more a case of we’re able to see the situation with more perspective, since we’ve been on one side of it, lived through it, and seen it from the other side.
True enough. Us old farts have already made these mistakes, but you need to make your share, too. Then you can try to tell young whippersnappers stuff that they won’t listen to. 
Just to add some local perspective, my two kids are currently living on their own, working their way through university and paying their own bills. They’re working typical student jobs but they are renting with 2 other students in a fairly quiet neighborhood in Toronto and they are in no way making what a vet tech could.
A father deciding whom his 26 year old daughter can and cannot visit is not “my house, my rules”. It’s overly controlling, and the fact that she is coasting along with it is even stranger.
Even if you hadn’t stated your age, it’s obvious how young and inexperienced you are. Good luck. Sincerely.