And, Lizard, there’s that one thing- ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’.
Seriously! I understand having a logical marriage and not needing the passion. But what kind of adaption agency are you working with? How do you have control over the type of child you adopt? They’re not pets.
Yes, because I have an emotional connection to parents and siblings. I thought you were saying that didn’t exist in your marriage, but here you are loving each other. So it’s all good.
I wonder if the 11 yo girl didn’t want the relationship to work and was acting up . She could had been jealous of not getting as much attention from her mom and might act this way with any guy her mom date . I have seen this happen with women I know . It’s hard on kids seeing their parent with another person. It sounds like the mom needs to talk to her kids before trying to date again.
That’s a reasonable question, but no. My ex said her kids actually LIKED me, and while they have acted badly around guys she dated in the past, they were acting better than normal around me. She said it might be because I lasted a lot longer than normal (4.5 months!). But kids feeling threatened is a major reason I don’t (well didn’t, before this, and now won’t again) date single moms in general.
It became pretty clear from being around them that my ex just didn’t have a handle on the whole parenting thing. She was always issuing commands like the kids were in the military, except the kids ignored 2/3 of what she said, until she got mad and started yelling. This happened with clockwork regularity. I tried to point out that she had basically trained her kids to ignore her until she got mad, but I don’t think she ever got what I was saying.
My Heart wants a beer.
Well, you needed to tell it to two more times, then start yelling it. 
Let’s hear more about that “3 week” conversation! 
What are you referring to?
Well, the op did the best thing for him and her. A bad relationship is slow suicide on the inside.
If your relationship is anything like mine (Mrs. Guest and I talked every aspect of our impending marriage we could think of to death over a period of about 6 years) people might be surprised at how HOT and HEAVY a passionless marriage can be at times.
I remember how things were in my first marriage and I didn’t want that again
Watch the Seinfeld episode The Truth. It’s an exception.
It tells the truth about telling the truth.
Same here. I got my popcorn ready for nothing!
Not necessarily. People get married for any number of reasons, some of which may appear cold and pragmatic to folks with different values and drives.
The important thing is that there is understanding and acceptance of terms in each relationship. If one party is in it to be romantic and passionate and doesn’t care about buying a house together and raising kids while the other is primarily looking for someone to establish a household with and settle down, that’s a problem. If both parties are getting married primarily so they can go be couples missionaries in Japan and they have a good understanding and acceptance of each other’s expectations in sexual, emotional, and financial spheres, that’s probably OK.
If they don’t know why the hell they’re getting married, that’s a HUGE problem. I’ve been officiating weddings since 2005. The first question I ask is why the couple is getting married. One couple looked at each other and couldn’t think of a reason. That’s the only marriage I’ve done that ended in divorce (so far, of course). On the other hand, one couple was getting married expressly because the groom, ten years younger than the bride, needed health insurance. That was in 2006. They’re still together.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but when Sting wrote this song, he may have been on to something. That song broke my heart when I first heard it, but people do live this way, often very happily.
You’re sort of everything I’ve ever wanted
You’re not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of
Well, not really, but you’re good enough for now.
-Al Yankovic, “Good Enough For Now”
That’s a lot of things!
10 words:
Mutual trust and respect.
Shared or compatible goals/values/worldview.
You are a very generous person. (I say that sincerely.) It sound like the breakup was gentle and without drama or recrimination, which is a tribute to you.
I have to believe that the help you’ve given her in seeing how to make her own life better will stick with her and she’ll continue to grow. I hope it’s not too late for her kids, but her walking the walk will certainly help them, too.
Good luck to all of you.
You DO sound like a compassionate person. And honestly, even if you’d stayed with her, you couldn’t have fixed her. She learned some good skills from you, and the breakup was gentle. You can feel good about that.
If you ever again find yourself dating someone with obnoxious kids, do NOT tell the mom so when you’re breaking up. It’s an emotionally charged situation, and telling her her kids are awful will either tick her off or devastate her. Since she lashed out at her kids so much, it’s not unlikely she would have blamed them for the breakup. The time to raise the subject, if it must be raised, is when things are going well, and you can sympathetically say you see how hard it is to be a single parent. That family needs counseling, and you’re not the guy to do it. Actually, I think it’s a mistake to introduce kids to someone you’re dating until the relationship is on very solid ground and has been for 6 months. Otherwise, they experience the break-up like a mini-divorce.
Wish her well and move on. You’re still a good guy.
Notice that Alanis slid in that little caveat - ''Not necessarily needs, but qualities that I prefer. I figure I can describe them since I have a choice in the matter." She’s effectively recognizing her power to maximize the odds of a successful relationship by identifying what’s most important.
And I think her list points to your 10 words. Those things are based on what she values in life. (some of those 21 things fit my preferences, others not so much - it came to mind because that album was on heavy rotation in my music library when I first started dating Sr. Weasel.)
And - in the interest of full disclosure - I was 19 years old. Heaven knows how my ideas of an ideal relationship may have changed with time. I’ve been with the same dude my entire adult life. He really turned out good beyond my wildest imaginings even at that time. I still don’t entirely understand how it happened, or how it is still happening, but surely choice factors in somewhere.
I agree with guestchaz, there is passion in planning. There is something really powerful in knowing what you want and then finding out those desires are shared.
If you’ve only been dating 4.5 months, which is really no time at all and little enough IMHO that it’s not worthy of some major event or explanation anyway, and you are already sexless it doesnt sound like much of a relationship. Just sounds like dating that ran its course. And perhaps you both love drama.
People move at all different speeds in relationships, though I did feel she moved too fast. This is a rural community, the dating pool is not deep, so “dating around” is not a very familiar concept. There’s no such thing as “checking out your options,” because there just aren’t many.
Heh. Maybe.
Wait, where is the ‘‘loving drama’’ coming in? If he’s cutting and running, seems he’s not so much into the drama.
Relationship advice threads on the Dope are basically giant Rorschach tests.
A little penicillin will clear that right up.