What on earth is weird about ‘don’t call me during work hours’?
Yes, you definitely dodged a bullet, possibly a cannonball. You said IF he didn’t call you during the week, you’d call him Saturday. He didn’t call you, so you called him. And apparently he was smoldering all week over your “little rules.” This had disaster written all over it.
May I suggest you try meeting potential friend-partners in better ways? Strangers at bus stops are a dicey proposition at best, regardless of what The Hollies said. Try Meet-Up groups or other opportunities to really get to know people and get to be friends in person first and then progress organically to long phone conversations or doing non-group things together as friends. Don’t even hold out the possibility of romance: for some people, that means friendship is an internship to see if you want them for sex. (And some take it as a challenge.) You don’t, right? You want more like a companion, a good friend to hang with and do things with, period. So don’t let sex seem like a possibility.
Nothin. But apparently this dude and maybe others think these are weird rules. If her thing is rules, then she can have rules.
I don’t think I did…?
I acknowledge that there are two sides to the story, not because someone is lying etc but because we each have filters.
Male/Female…young/old…black/white…and so on. There are many things that can alter our perceptions. How did the OP put out one signal get back that response?
Given the timeline that’s an act of dominance.
Bullet dodged. walk away.
Saying you want to be friends first is direct and to the point.
I was referring to romantic chemistry.
Old people don’t have time for a long courtship.
Your openness, honestly and up frontness, about your expectations, probably just shut down the game he usually runs. Don’t feel bad for one second. The very reason you are direct and open IS to exclude those with other expectations/agendas to run. It worked! Brilliant! Don’t stop!
His dig at your ‘rules’ indicates he likely wants to call the shots, not gonna be comfortable without the power In relationships. His offence at not hearing from you was to get you considering his ego above other considerations, I feel.
Please don’t overthink or dissect this, but do consider buying a lottery ticket. You def dodged a bullet, this was your lucky day!
Good Luck!
So… you’re saying the OP should jump into a relationship of a kind they’re not sure they want and really aren’t comfortable starting with someone they barely know, with someone they barely know, so the person they barely know will feel less frustrated? I think you’re completely missing what the OP is looking for.
Anyone who ‘doesn’t have time for a long courtship’ is totally and utterly unsuitable; the OP would be far better off finding a way to filter such guys out at the start, rather than trying to find a way to not put them off.
I’m saying no such thing. Of course the OP should date in a way that makes her feel safe and comfortable. And good for her for making that clear right off the bat.
What I am saying is that it’s frustrating to meet someone and then find out they want to take the long route. Most folks my age don’t want that.
And none of that excuses D-bag’s behavior in the OP.
You were the one who said that it’s a weird rule. If you don’t think it is, why did you call it that?
Say what?! Are you claiming that she somehow must have caused his rant?
That’s awfully close to ‘She made me hit her!’
Cite, please, that most people 50 and over just want to get laid in a hurry and don’t much care who with?
Of course there are some such, and they should say so up front, which would make finding each other easier and faster. If this guy had done so during the first conversation, he would have been entirely reasonable to have done so, and could have saved himself a week. Getting ticked off at somebody who clearly said that’s not what she’s interested in is absolutely out of line.
Definitely dodged a big fat bullet.
And no, this guy did not “misunderstand” you at all. If he had “misunderstood” he would have asked “Why didn’t you X?”
If he had been not an abusive person, but didn’t want to do what you had stated as your boundaries, he would have said right when you stated said boundaries, he would have said something like “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me” then “Shame, you seem like someone I’d like to know” or “Can you compromise on X?”
If he had been not an abusive person, he would either not have called back, or he would have called back with “It’s just not going to work for me”
Yeah, we only have one side of the story. But unless Two Many Cats completely mis-represented what the guy said,* just his words alone show him to be abusive*.
The hell? I’m an old(er) guy, and I want to take things slow. I mean, that’s the benefit of hindsight and maturity. We’ve learned not to blindly rush into things.
Besides, a deep friendship with honest communication is the most important part of any relationship.
If anything, older folks have learned that good things are worth waiting for, and we can be patient. What we don’t have time for is trying to make a mature relationship out of an ill-fated romance we just jumped into…
…with a guy who can’t even be civil on the phone.
Its very strange that people can so easily decide that the guy is an abuser, playing a game, dominating, a d-bag etc etc etc. An abuser? Really? Based on what the OP said?
Maybe you dodged a bullet, maybe he did, who knows. I do know one thing though, nothing romantic ever started with a list of rules.
Really? I thought that there were always rules when interacting with people. For example, “don’t murder me.” I don’t see how “right now I don’t want to talk more than once a week” is somehow over the line.
This is one of those posts where “please don’t call during work hours as my boss might call” = “list of rules” and I’m left scratching my head wondering if I’m reading the same thread.
My full quote:
Underlining=the part quoted by thorny locust
In other words, was it something on his side or her side or both sides? We don’t know. We only have one side of the story. I would expect most people in here would applaud the upfront, transparent, clear communication of the OP because that’s how dopers seem to think. We’d like to be fair, not waste another person’s time, etc. We’re assuming she was calm, not bossy or arrogant or anything in delivering this message—but we would have to ask the male what he thought.
If we heard the conversation we might agree with his opinion or we might not. “Assertive” to one person might be taken as “aggressive” by another, for instance. Filters can make the same stimulus look different. How about “modern” and “old-fashioned” as filters? Modern OP isn’t afraid to speak her mind, but he might be old-fashioned and think the man is supposed to lead. Being old-fashioned is a value, neither right wrong, but it would color the “Who makes the rules?” question for him.
Again, how did the OP put out one signal (this isn’t six months after they started talking; this is right out of the gate. Everyone makes nice at the beginning and overlooks little things, especially at the beginning) and get back that response (they seemed to be on the same wavelength and mutually interested enough to exchange phone numbers yet it went to hell very very fast)?
I don’t know if OP was wrong or he was wrong but I think it definitively shows they’re wrong for each other. My hunch is that he was a Jack in the Box a quarter crank from popping but he’s not here to give us his side. The majority of posts I read in here indicate that dopers are 1) thorough, 2) thoughtful, and 3) fair. I’m glad OP is safe and sound, I’m sorry that it didn’t work out, and I wish her well in finding someone to her liking. I can’t condemn the guy without knowing more, however
I remember meeting a few interesting people in my single days and wondering where THAT came from etc. and I think that’s the spirit of the OP. If you’re going to continue to look, you need to figure out what you’re projecting or you may keep attracting the same type of people or not attracting the ones you want or whatever. But sometimes it’s totally the other guy’s fault and you shouldn’t get down on yourself about it—except to ask how they got past your radar.
If “That’s awfully close to ‘She made me hit her!’” you’ll have to explain to me how.
Having been in a couple of abusive relationships, I can say that “Yes, what he said was a common abuse tactic”, and that non-abusive people do not say things like that.
You appear to be saying that it was her signal that caused his rant.
If her signal was messed up, or was perceived by him as messed up, all he needed to do was to say so at the time; or just not to have called back. Her signal isn’t what caused his actual response.
Yesterday afternoon I felt that both parties had dodged a bullet, plain and simple. But just now, after carefully reading the entire thread (so far) and taking the OP’s account at face value, I think she definitely dodged a very big bullet.
It’s fascinating to watch your own mind being changed by intelligent discussion.