Some advice from the sexual virtuoso...

[Zebra]

I have a question.
Is it OK to fake an orgasm while I’m masturbating?

[Cyn]

@BrainGlutton

Do not say, “Dear Lord, please forgive me for this vile sin I am about to commit!”

Exception: he commits said vile sin in a particualrly vile and cynful fashion. Then all is forgiven.

[Subterraneanus]

24. Remember to boil your genitals for at least three minutes when you’re done.

[Scumpup]

@Zebra

I have a question.
Is it OK to fake an orgasm while I’m masturbating?

Only if things have been going on so long that you’re getting sore.

[Runs_With_Scissors]

@Scumpup

Now, let’s begin the quiz. Please have your blue books ready. The quiz must be answered in blue or black ink and in your best copperplate script.

1. When should you grab your penis (in both hands, if possible) and point it at everyone in the room while making machinegun noises?

When wouldn’t you?

[Runs_With_Scissors]

@Scumpup

7. Complete this statement: “If you _________, it feels like somebody else.”

“Use your partner’s left hand”

[Rufus_Xavier]

@brian_ax

When wouldn’t you?

When you’re in a room full of Columbian drug lords, I guess.

[Least_Original_User_Name_Ever]

Say hello to my little friend?

I think not!

[sjc]

@BrainGlutton

If a girl tells you she wants a “Platonic relationship,” this phrase, despite Plato’s well-known proclivities, is not necessarily an invitation to anal sex.

I may be wrong, but I believe the sex between a older man and young boy that the Greeks practiced was not supposed to involve anal penetration. Instead, the older man humped between the boys clasping legs. Recieving penetrative sex was not something a respectable male was supposed to do. There were men and boys who were “bottoms” but they were not citizens and didn’t get much respect.

Sorry to ruin the joke.

[Blalron]

@Scumpup

4. Take your socks and your wristwatch off, despite what you have seen in porn movies.

I’ll take off the socks, but the watch never leaves my wrist. Take it or leave it.

[Scumpup]

8. True of False: Love means never having to say “Please rim me.”

[Hostile_Dialect]

8. True. In love, you and your partner should always be aware of who needs rimming and when, without needing to ask.

[Scumpup]

9. Which of these is a term of endearment?
   a. cum dumpster
   b. butt-plug
   c. dicksocket
   d. all of these
   e. none of these

[Hostile_Dialect]

9b. Butt-plug, but only if said to a male with whom you have anal sex.

[Scumpup]

10. What do women want?
    Check your answers and pass you r books to the front of the row. After a short break, we’ll move on to some advanced techniques.

[Scribble]

@Rufus Xavier

When you’re in a room full of Columbian drug lords, I guess.

Drug lords of other nationalities are usually more receptive.

[5que]

@Blalron

I’ll take off the socks, but the watch never leaves my wrist. Take it or leave it.

Well, unless you’re Captain Koons and in a North Vietnamese prisoner of war camp.

@Captain Koons

The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He’d be damned if any of the slopes were gonna get their greasy yellow hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.

[Scumpup]

Before we move on to “Fisting Fun for Everyone,” are there any questions about the quiz?

[Troy_McClure_SF]

@BrainGlutton

Do not say, “Dear Lord, please forgive me for this vile sin I am about to commit!”

Life In Hell?

[Rufus_Xavier]

@Scribble

Drug lords of other nationalities are usually more receptive.

I agree. It’s been my experience that Jamaican drug lords, for example, will usually greet such a display with helpless giggles.