birdgirl,
I agree with the others that are suggesting you seek some professional help. Punching brick walls and going to bed with a knife contemplating suicide is not normal.
It’s hard to say goodbye to someone who’s been in your life that long. I know, I just had to close the door on a off again- on again 6 year relationship. He tried to come back in under the guise of “just friends” (doesn’t it always start that way?) and I wrote him a long, very nice letter explaining that I had to close the door on him because I won’t be able to meet anyone else as long as he’s a force in my life. I told him goodbye, that I wished him the best but that I no longer had room for him in my life and to not contact me again. It was an extremely hard thing for me to do, as he was a really good friend but it was something that had to be done, for both of our mental healths.
We had this crazy attachment to eachother, even though we really weren’t that good together in a relationship. It sounds as if you’re in a similar situation. You’ve got to let him go or you will never fully get over this relationship. And until you get over this relationship, you’ll never be able to be a part of a healthy one.
There are a lot of reasons why people hang on to past relationships. My X was sort of a “security blanket” for me. I always knew that whatever happened, he would be somewhere in the background and the possibility of a relationship would be there. I knew I wouldn’t end up alone as long as he was in my life, somehow. I realized that this wasn’t good for me, and more importantly, it wasn’t fair to him. Now I’m going at it alone, without a safety net, and it’s scary as hell. But it’s the right thing to do, and I can sleep the whole night through again.
Other people can be addicted to the drama. I may be wrong, but it seems as if you may fall into this category. People get bored. Being single can be really boring, when you’re not dating anyone. A lot of people miss the drama of a dysfunctional relationship. It takes attention away from other things in your life that you’re unhappy with. It gives you something to focus your energy on and enables you to ignore some of the deeper issues you may have in your life. Thing is, trading in one set of problems for another is hardly a solution.
And like someone else said, some people are just unhappy without a man (or woman) in their lives. I realized when I broke up with my b/f that I had not been single for more than a couple of weeks since I was 15 years old. I’m 25 now. There’s something wrong with that. A good portion of those relationships were not healthy, much like your relationship with birdguy. I realized that I was almost completely dependent on a man to make me happy. I didn’t even care all that much who it was! I finally woke up and realized that I would never know what it was like to be in a healthy, happy relationship and to be in love until I could acheive happiness and fullfillment in my own life. Without a man. I think it would do you a lot of good to attempt the same thing.
If I were “Joshua” I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with you either. If you have mutal friends, it’s a pretty safe bet he knows the story. You really can’t blame someone for not wanting to be involved in something like that.
Sorry this is a bit long winded but I felt that I could add something here that may be of some use to you.
Good luck and my emails in my profile if you want to talk.
