I don’t think anyone has really expressed that they “suffered greatly” from anything. I think we just blew those guys off. Sounds to me like you’re still holding on to the attitude that all other guys are crushing these poor fragile flowers before you have a chance to whisk them away to NiceGuyville. Your views on women may yet be slightly skewed.
Though I am far from what anyone would describe as a “player” (playa?) or anything of that sort, but…
Well that’s about it actually.
So anyway, first and foremost, relax. Nobody should need a woman to be happy and if you do then sort that out first. No doubt that it’s nice to have someone to come home to and the hot sex and blah blah blah but it’s not something you shouldn’t be able to go without. If you need a woman then you are desperate and women can smell that from miles away, and no one wants to be with that guy that screams “I’ll take ANYTHING” because women want to feel special, not unlike most of us guys. Or at least I want to feel special :3
So forget women. They are not the be all and end all. If you’re out one night and you happen to hit it off with some chick then hey, fantastic but actively seeking out that sort of thing will probably not work. Unless the chick is desperate too.
Dude, I was you until about 25, she is right. The day I decided I was tired of playing and was just going to get laid, suddenly I was swamped with dating opportunities.
Stop thinking you are so damn perfect, you are not. Unless you have a house, a good job, a nice car, and a couple months reserves in the bank nobody is going to see you as Mr Perfect.
My .02 worth, go out and be a little more jerkish/demanding by your standards. If you really are that great a catch, you will catch a few yourself. If you really are that nice, they won’t want to leave.
That doesen’t mean everything will always lead to happily ever after, but it will allow for the opportunity to show a woman how good you can be to her.
Seriously? This is an incredibly superficial list of “faults” that a person can have. I have faults too, I just love kittens too much, sometimes my breath smells bad in the morning before I brush my teeth, and I over salt my food. :rolleyes:
I agree with ZipperJJ, we’re not being hurt by Nice Guys. They’re pissing us off with their constant whining. It’s not a quality that lures us in and then we realize how crappy they are, this facade is annoying from the get-go.
ETA:
I never said your happiness was dependent on other people. But you yourself have shown your desire to have that happiness reflected by another person. You completely missed my point, by the way.
Ah, god bless the dope. It will rip you three new assholes even if you only deserve two. But you get good advice.
This jumps out at me, because I agree with another woman who posted that it’s pretty rare (if ever) that I want a man to dominate me. In fact, if one tries, I generally explore my inner bitch and let him have it with both barrels. Then I stay the hell away from him, because life is too damn short.
On the flip side, people who are passive and don’t seem to take initiative on anything drive me up the wall. It irritates me, because I feel like I’m somehow supposed to hold up their end of things. I’m fairly assertive, but I don’t like to dominate–I want a shared partnership. So if someone is too passive, I end up feeling like I’m dominating, and it pisses me off just as much as if someone tries to dominate me. I walk away from those situations also.
Shared partnership. Confidence. Leadership. That’s what I’m looking for–in both of us. A lot of folks think leadership means forcing someone to do things your way, or making them follow you. It’s not. It’s inspiring people to walk with you, and respecting their contributions to the journey. They walk with you, because that’s the direction they want to go in and it feels good to do so.
I’m forty, so I’m not in the age range your looking for, and perhaps that alters my perceptions. However, in addition to the above, what jumps out at me is you seem to be looking for someone who is mature and wants stability and a family. Yet you’re still drinking too much, living with your parents and sleeping until noon, and perhaps playing around with a woman who is techinically invovled with another man and who can’t be too mature herself if the situation is as you describe.
Become the level of stability and maturity you are looking for, avoid the women who aren’t there themselves, and I think you’ll have a much better shot at what you say you’re looking for.
(underlining mine)
A female friend of mine—wise beyond her years, I think—once remarked to me: “Every relationship is a struggle for dominance.” I think that in most relationships I’ve ever seen, someone is in charge and the other person follows.
Then, one person gets tired of always giving the orders and the other gets tired of always taking them. I like the idea of shared responsibility and rights and all that…I’m just not sure how it’s accomplished or whether it really exists.
Yanno, several people have derided Auto’s list, so I wanted to take a closer look at it to see if it stacked up as a serious evaluation of whether or not these could be considered ‘real’ flaws…
I am an attention whore – Certainly NOT a good thing. Seems any time you’re in a relationship with one of these, everything is always about them, almost all the time.
I have a martyr and white-knight complex – Obviously another thing that could cause myriad problems with too-high and unrelistic expectations, not to mention believing one’s self to be something other than it truly is. Nice Guy syndrome in a nutshell.
I’m overly trusting and have a hard time seeing the bad in people – This could definitely point to insecurity issues, but I agree that it’s not necessarily an honest representation of something wrong.
I have a tendency to overdrink – Huge honkin’ flag. If this doesn’t qualify as an issue, especially with some folks, I don’t know what does.
I did smoke, but I just quit today (so far so good) – Heh. 
I’m melodramatic – Surely I’m not the only one who wouldn’t want a bestfriend with this trait, but certainly NOT a significant other? Argh.
I procrastinate – Not a biggie, but annoying for sure.
I eat too much fast food – Meh, most people probably do. Fluffier answer.
I’m cranky if I don’t get 8 hours of sleep – Ditto.
I interfere in the relationships of others – Could be a tremendous problem, depending on the criteria. Not something to just blatently disregard.
I’m stubborn – I don’t know about everyone else (obviously), but this would raise a humongous red flag for me.
I’m stupid and risky sometimes with birth control – Finally, a terrible characteristic to admit, but at least easily remedied.
So in light of my nascent analysis, I think it’s a bit unfair to dismiss his observations of himself as not that big of a deal. Seems pretty truthful and attempting to be accurate, if not a comprehensive list or without a few softball answers. I also don’t think it’s justified to say he hasn’t been listening or trying, although I do see him getting pissed off some (which, in his defense, means he does have his own opinions of his own and isn’t just parrotting what anyone of the female persuasion wants to hear in hopes of getting laid) and defensive in return.
I see the latter though as a response to the several replies where the operative seems to be geared to their anger at having dealt with this phenomanon in general rather than Auto specifically. I don’t think this exact thread warrants complaints about all the other guys who fit into this category and thus deserve ire. In passing a mention about it is fine, in my humble opinion, but for that focus to bleed into a judgment of him doesn’t feel reasonable or conducive to change.
And Auto, I’d caution you to work on your problem areas, as well as attempting to navigate your life happily and fufillingly without worry to when you’ll find your next partner. Then things will be great no matter what’s going on. Good luck.
There is a difference between truly caring about someone’s happiness in a way that shows you understand and appreciate that she is completely capable of securing her happiness on her own and that when and if she needs your help you are happy to give it, and making it clear that by your attempts you are trying to make her happy.
Here’s what you say to a woman regarding her happiness: "Honey, I can see you are upset/struggling/unhappy. Do you just need me to listen, or is there something I can do to help? "
Then, for the love of god, respect her choice.
All of your responses to the postings in this thread so far indicate to me that you are not at all interested in changing, nor in coming to understand the kind of woman you should be looking for (the smart, human, confident, independent but still warm and generous and considerate kind). You’ve been given a great gift here in the responses from both men and women, yet you still keep saying women are on the one hand fragile flowers and cold and heartless on the other. Or stupid fragile flowers who like it when men dominate them. This shows you don’t yet have a realistic view of women. Women are just like you in many ways - confident sometimes, insecure other times. But no woman worth her salt is going to want you to be her white knight. A woman worth her salt will be grateful for your love and support when she needs it and will be gratified by your loving acceptance of her love and support when you need it.
I hope that you will come to be more experienced and worldy-wise in the next six years or so, and will come back to read this thread and be shocked by your immaturity but also proud of how much you have grown.
I will leave you with the Tale of Two Bosses (mine). One gets really, really, upset when people say he is an asshole because he tries so hard to be nice. Except the the nice things he does are not genuine. He does them because he thinks he’s supposed to. He does them to an end. It is a technique. He gave me a bonus because he fears I’ll bolt without one. He thought it was too much.
The other boss thinks he is an asshole, but he’s not. He is genuinely kind and considerate, but at the same time is assertive and confident. This is evidenced by the fact that he has been very successful and is worth a lot of money. He does very kind things that he doesn’t have to do because he can’t imagine not doing them. He gave me the same amount in a bonus because he saw me working my ass off. He thought it was too little.
They can dominate me if we’re dancing (most partner dances call for someone to lead). They may dominate me…em… othertimes. 
But if they get out of hand, I will bite.
I like the rest of your advices. And I like most of the advices I’ve read. Now, if he reads this calmly, with a cup of coffee (or something, NOT alcohol)… after a good night’s rest (hey, it’s the weekend!)…
Seriously, there are single women your age looking for good decent men.
I dunno. I haven’t dated all that many people, but I’ve had two long term relationships that I’d call partnerships. I had it with my grad school sweetie, and damn did it feel nice. That’s not to say we never clashed, and I’m sure there were some areas where he led and some where I led. But it was never about dominating or forcing the other person to our will. That one broke up because of incompatible life goals. I wanted a cute little house and a dog, and he still wanted to roam the world. But it was a very amicable breakup that was equally sad for both of us and no bad guy.
Things were also very balanced with my high school sweetie, and I can’t think of any fights between us, actually. We ended up apart because of geography and going off to college. We just weren’t ready to have a serious relationship back then.
<checks supply of sleeping pills>
<thinks better of it>
<returns to MacBook, types [ monasteries ] into Google, presses return>
To the OP: When I was in high school I had the same problems as you which, I later grew out of in college. Your main problem is that by being “nice” you are being boring. As many others have said, women don’t like boring guys, nor do they like guys who are pushovers, which is what you make yourself seem like when you are being nice. Here’s the best way I can describe what you should do: treat women just like they are your guy friends. I’m not saying be a crude pig or anything, but don’t act differently, be yourself except in one crucial way: acknowledge their sexuality. Now this is the tricky part because you don’t want to treat them completely like a sex object (although this will work with a surprising amount of women), but let them know that you think they are hot, that you’d like something to happen (maybe at date, not necessarily sex although all relationships are founded on a physical attraction), etc. If they feel the same they will reciprocate, believe me.
In 25 words or less, define “too old.”
After re-reading, I am indeed coming off very defensive in this thread. I don’t respond well to criticism. I am honestly interested in others opinions and I’m appreciative of all the ‘tough love.’ My apologies, especially to ladyfoxfyre.
Haha, I love that site, I was gonna post it myself. When I was 22 I was banging this girl who was your stereotypical crazy/damaged but great in bed type while the whole time she had some nice guy follow her around like a puppy. I printed that website out and told her to give it to him to get his to go away. It worked.
My previous comment, the ‘domination’ one, was spoken out of hurt. Disregard it please. I agree with what you’ve said above btw.
In any case, I’m going to take the advice of what’s been said by a buncha people here and just focus on myself for a while. The last month has been a relationship whirlwind for me, and this thread is the result of a lot of difficult emotions. I’m better off spending the next few months working on my own issues and letting the girls come when they may.
So, quitting smoking is going well. Next I’ll work on fixing my schedule… getting a more solid exercise plan. So much to do~
Im nice dammit!
Im 22 (soon to be 23 but dont tell anyone! shhh! lol) and Ive almost always gone for the nice guy! I like the nice guy, he’s reliable, fun and is more unlikely to cheat.
Maybe the real question is… are YOU a nice guy! hehehe 
Yeah, you snipped out most of the ones that I consider real issues. Although I think being melodramatic and interfering with other people’s relationships are symtoms of what the rest of that list pointed to: immaturity.
I’m 43, and I’m not convinced that it does change.