Oh, bec, that’s a very sad post. I wouldn’t want to be criticized like that, and to feel like it was all my fault. Very cruel.
On the other hand, I could see where it would be very frustrating to have sex with someone who cannot orgasm just from me.
Coming from a female point of view, I would think that I was doing something desperately wrong if the man could not orgasm by me alone. I think my feelings of inadequacy, deserved or not, would eventually take its toll on the relationship.
Even if the sex was mind blowing, exceptional, the best I had ever had, it would end up being a huge issue for me. Granted, I am a woman, it changes the dynamics.
Making other people orgasm is such a huge part of the enjoyability of sex.
I feel like too often it becomes an issue, though. Like, “Did you orgasm yet? …now? …now?” I mean, come on, under that pressure, are you really going to be able to do it, if you’ve already had troubles?
In addition to which, it shows such a complete lack of regard for the partner that you are supposedly so interested in “pleasing”: the reality is that they have become simply a vehicle for you to measure your self-worth, and if they have failed to do that for you by responding in precisely the way you require in order to feel good about yourself, you move on to the next person who maybe can? Ew. That guy is running, be glad he’s done.
To be clear those who said they liked or used vibrators seemed to enjoy one that was small (there was a name for it I heard repeated but I forget now what it was). The dildoes (and I have used them with my partners on occasion) tend to be rather large actually.
And I am not arguing against Annamika and other women here. That some women have trouble climaxing, for whatever reason, I understand. If they can only come via a vibrator then so be it. Better they manage to get off at all as far as I am concerned.
I was merely saying that, for me, I would find it problematical to start a relationship with a woman who I found needed a vibrator to orgasm everytime we had sex. As I have mentioned I have used them and dildoes and other toys with my partners in the past and it is all in fun but they were never a requirement.
As for a woman manually stimulating herself during sex I am all for it and encourage it. Usually I find they tend to do it when a given position is not as stimulating to them so they help things along which is fine by me (not that they need or asked my approval).
I do believe a potential for overstimulation, to the point that a woman could find she cannot come without the vibrator, exists. Some women have stipulated to that in this thread. That said I have never argued in this thread that they should not be used and have in fact encouraged their use.
I am with you 100%, except for the defensiveness. Go back to the first paragraph for your own words, you are so right. It has always been my experience that the guys who are so surprised by a woman who doesn’t come from fucking are generally pretty lousy lovers, which leads me to the conclusion that the women that fed their delusions did so because they couldn’t be bothered to do otherwise, they just tell them how great they are to shut them up and let them stumble stupidly forward having absolutely no idea what lousy lays they are. It’s really kinda sad for the guys in question, come to the think of it.
OK, so wading through all the shit, am I right in assuming that the main question is the following:
May some women overstimulate themselves through vibrator use and thus create an inability to come except through vibrator usage?
I haven’t read this thread in super-detail, but what I gather is that the majority of women can use vibrators without having such an effect happen, and, as for the ones where the effect does happen, the cause is mostly mental and not biological. I think this thread would benefit from much more data as to the physiology of sex. Speaking from a pure nerve-ending standpoint, may the nerves around the naughty bits get accustomed to high stimulation, and thus have a lower rate of action potentials with lower stimulation?
In all seriousness, it’s times like this that call for experimentation and not mass anecdote time on a MB. As for how an experiment like this could be ethically done… you got me.
To be clear, you’re not saying that you suspect somethings wrong with the relationship when she is unable to have an orgasm specifically through intercourse, (i.e. penis-in-vagina,) are you?
And since you were originally responding to someone referring to doggie style sex, you’re not saying if a relationship is healthy, the woman should probably be able to have an orgasm through intercourse in that position are you? Because the lady said she likes that position, and I certainly don’t imagine you’re saying she should deprive herself of use of that position just so she can “have an orgasm” in some other position.
Manual self-stimulation is okay, but self-stimulation with a vibrator is not?
I can not see how there is any relevant distinction. Either way, you weren’t able to do it for her “yourself”–she needed to contribute her own source of stimulation.
As I recall, Dr. Ruth and Betty Dodson and the older woman on that call in show on WE all advocate stimulating your partner’s clit, or having her stimulate her own clit, if she’s having trouble from intercourse alone. That’s why I’m also wondering, along with Frylock why using a vibrator is a no-no. I mean, there is the problem of ticklishness (I tried being on top using my vibe with a boyfriend once…then again, he was the ticklish type normally) but other than that, I don’t see the problem.
In the end whatever works for the both of you. Different positions, different techniques, role play, toys, whatever. If a woman can’t get off doggie style but can another way then great! I do not see a problem.
I had a girlfriend who rarely orgasmed from penis-in-vagina sex and said this had been true of her regardless of the partner. She still enjoyed it…just almost never got her off. She most certainly did get off when we did other things of which I was most certainly an active participant. We both found our sex life together to be very enjoyable and satisfying (we’d often get creative and it was great fun).
A human simply cannot do what a vibrator does. At least I cannot make my penis vibrate at a 100 cycles per second and have never heard of a man that can.
Manually stimulating herself is just HER. Not a prop. What she is doing I can presumably do too. Indeed I can fill that role for her. I cannot fill the role of a vibrator (my holding the vibrator is not what I mean).
Some women have issues and can’t come during intercourse. Some women’s anatomy is such that no variety of intercourse will stimulate them sufficiently to have an orgasm without assistance. Some women find their libido goes south after having kids and need a little extra help. Some women simply prefer to use a vibe instead of their fingers. I think if a woman feels it is a problem FOR HER that she can’t come except with a vibrator, then she should do something about it. I honestly don’t understand why any other woman should feel it’s an issue she should concern herself with.
I’ve always been proactive about my own orgasm and don’t believe it’s the man’s responsibility to “give” me one–I find that wording troublesome anyway, as though he possesses it to give it to me in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a very good thing when a man is fully involved in both my orgasm and his, but I know what feels good to me. A man who is unwilling to help me get where I need to go is not a man I want to be with, but neither is a man who is threatened by me doing whatever I need to do in order to come.
From a previous poster who asked about actual evidence for any of this I looked around the internet. As suspected no studies have been performed regarding the use of vibrators but some doctors weighed in here and there.
“Overstimulation” seems to be a myth. At least as far as the nerve endings go. There is no damage (for lack of another word) done by using a vibrator.
What I generally saw was an issue with habituation (and this can be true of men and women). This is NOT an addiction…merely that your body gets used to having certain triggers met in order to achieve an orgasm. Missing those triggers it either does not happen or is more difficult to achieve.
For women habituated to the use of a vibrator to achieve orgasm they suggested she could re-train herself (so to speak) in order to allow whatever triggers an orgasm for her to occur sans the vibrator. Generally they suggested she masturbate using only her hand and reduce the use of the vibrator.
None said to stop using vibrators and often suggested how they can be helpful in many cases and certainly fun in others.
I think the “giving” word needs to be used in context. Indeed if it is a notion that it is something that only men possess and dole out to women if they see fit then yeah…it’s offensive.
Ideally, to my mind anyway, sex is a “giving” from both parties. You are both providing the other with something. I do not see myself as giving her an orgasm. I am giving myself and hope that turns her on enough to have an orgasm.
I heartily agree with your being proactive about your own orgasm. I think everyone should (men and women). It has surprised me to find that many women (not all but more than I would have expected…and yeah that is anecdotal) do not masturbate with some regularity. In or out of a relationship I think it is healthy to do that.
As for whether a man (or other woman) can “do it” for you I believe you need to be communicative about it. This happens a lot less than I’d like. Of course YOU know what feels good for you but how does he? You can let him fumble around or you can let him know. Personally I think letting him know benefits the both of you (an of course he should do the same). Mind you “telling” him what you like can take many different forms…I am not saying you sit down and have a clinical discussion about it (although I suppose you could).
As for a guy being offended or worried about what you need to do to achieve an orgasm I agree he should not be. Although I will stand by my personal opinion that I’d find a woman who HAD to break out the vibrator everytime a real turn off for me.
There ya go, that’s it exactly. Bottom line: constant vibrator use can and does in many cases narrow the pleasure possibilities considerably, and who would wants to have less pleasure or make it harder to acheive at all?
Eh, being with a single partner for a long time does the same thing, in terms of “triggers”. Anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows that sex gets to be a “I’ll do this and then you’ll do this and then we’ll come” sort of dance. And then when you start having sex with someone new, you have to learn a new dance, and in the meantime, it’s going to be harder for you to come. So is monogamy something I should avoid in the interest of not narrowing my orgasmic options?
This was mentioned in what I read. Habituation certainly can and often does creep into the bedroom between a couple. This can lead to a sense of sexual boredom and likely is at least one aspect of people cheating as they look for something more exciting.
I guess your (“your” in a general sense…both people are responsible for this) choices are to either live with the status quo, try to liven things up and be a bit more sexually adventurous or keep a steady stream of different partners.
