What Caterpiller said. Or if you don’t feel like breaking up, at least wait a week or two before you talk to her again.
She’s acting annoyed/distant, and I can understand your impulse to respond by trying harder and being nicer to her. Unfortunately, this seems like smothering to her and makes her even more annoyed/distant.
If you give her some space and don’t talk to her for a while, she’ll likely begin to miss you, AND it will make you seem less needy. If you meet any other women in the meantime, make sure she knows about it. Ironically, not being too focused on getting her interested again is the most likely way to actually do it. Even if it doesn’t get her interested again, the attitude shift and having met other women will help you move on.
Texting sucks when it comes to trying to read between the lines. You can’t tell how the person is saying what they’re texting. It can be very confusing. Texting is basically only good for exchanging information.
The only way to really tell how she’s feeling is to meet with her face to face.
You need to arrange a date asap.
Also, when someone starts to get involved with something new like this they tend to go in head first, become overwhelmed, attract and become attracted to the attention and some of their perspectives and priorities can get disjointed.
This is by no means unusual and by no means is it indicative of something you’ve done wrong. This is all in her lap and she needs to deal with it. But in order for her to deal with it you need to meet with her and tell her it bothers you a little. Then you’ll be able to deal with that answer based on what she says and how she says it.
Although I’d like to agree with you guys and I think you have very good suggestions, I just can’t get on board with this because of a couple text sessions based on what I said in my last post. I think he needs to meet with her soon and discuss his feelings with her. Then, if he still thinks she has issues he can take a step back and follow your advice. It’s too early to jump to conclusions.
Based on the information you give, there’s no way to know what’s going on, sorry. But here is my advice – ask her about it. Don’t stew over it, don’t make up scenarios in your head as to what you think is going on, just ask.
My husband does that kind of crap – he will see some remark I left on someone’s myspace or in a survey or some such and instead of just asking, he will stew about it. Drives me nuts. Don’t do this!!!
In the past, I’ve done the “leave them some space” thing (with other people) but that went disastrously wrong as they thought I didn’t care or was emotionally lazy.
MuddVayne, if she’s getting ready to leave for university, she may very well be trying to figure out how she feels about you–whether she wants to try to continue a long-distance relationship, or if she wants to be free to experience whatever university life ioffers her. While the Facebook/text conversations may or may not have anything to do with this thought process, it’s almost certainly (IMHO) going on in her head. I’d expect a conversation about this soon, really, and might initiate it myself if I were in your position.
If you’re not actually sulking, but out having a great time and meeting new people, that can be a great way to fix a relationship. It could also backfire, but hey – you’re out meeting new people.
I was once in a relationship where the woman said “We need to have a little talk.” She was feeling smothered, because I was always in her apartment. And she didn’t want to “just hang out” anymore. She wanted to get out and do things, and wanted me to give her some space.
She then went out to the store, and expected to talk more about my smothering her when she got back. But when she got back, I was not there. When she called me that night, she asked me to come over. But I told her that she was absolutely right, and hey, I was having a great time on Saturday night without her. (I wasn’t lying. I was having a blast.) She said it was OK if I came over and we could just hang out. I said I was already having a good time, so no. She begged me. I told her maybe – MAYBE – tomorrow night.
When I went over the next night, she impaled herself on me like a banshee.
You went about it in the wrong way, then. What you want to convey is “I care enough to give you your space. If you want me, I’ll be at a bachelor party.”
Do you actually know Bob? (it’s not too clear from your op)
If not (and this is probably an obvious question unless you’re a real facebook noob) - is his facebook profile public? You might be able to assuage some of your fears if you can check it out - it might tell you that he’s gay, or that he’s got a girlfriend, or that he’s similarly flirty / affectionate with all his friends.
Don’t let her see you sweat. Don’t apologize. And don’t crowd her. Stop with the interrogations. They only make you seem needy and therefore less desireable. Exude happiness and confidence. Being glum won’t make you attractive to her.
And if, after all that, she still pulls away, well, like the poet said…
Bob’s profile is private, he is a family friend of my gf kinda. I really wanna confront her about everything because the conversation between us atm is so dead, it’s like she doesn’t care about me anymore, not even a reciprocal “how are you” back to me.
I just get the feeling though that if I confront her, she’ll say everything is fine but still be cold towards me.
And to everyone who says that if she doesn’t love me anymore I should just let it go… what happened to good old chivalry I’m wondering ay? Fighting for who you love rather than just giving in without a fight.
Maybe she just feels like you are smothering her or that you are being a little to inquisitive. I’ll suggest that you don’t attempt to contact her. Let her do her own thing for a while and when she is ready she’ll contact you. Let us know what happens.
I didn’t actually say you shouldn’t fight. By all means, talk it out, try what you will, and see if you can indeed make it work again or that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. But believe me, I know from painful experience that sticking around to bang your head against a brick wall will result in your head cracking before the wall.
oh and on EDIT: when you’re fighting for what you love you’re not usually ALSO fighting WITH what you love.
Count me as another that says just walk away, or seriously consider it.
I used to have similar conversations with my last boyfriend, where he was getting more and more distant, giving me one-word responses, never asking me how I was doing, etc. In his case he had some major depressive issues that didn’t really have anything to do with me, but ended up turning me into a bit of a wreck.
I figured hey, we’ve been together 2 years, I love him, he says he still loves me… we can make this work. After a year of THAT, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I’ve also dated people that would get all flaky and distant because they wanted to break up, but didn’t have the guts to say something, so they got colder until I did it for them.
Sometimes things can get to a point where you can’t hang on to a relationship because of how it used to be. You have to open your eyes and see how it really is now.
Mmm… the thing is, it’s not gradual coldness or distancing. It’s literally a sudden change in behaviour from how it was before Wednesday, to how it is now.
