Yes, I am one of those women you refer to; I had that experience and I described it earlier in this thread. Even though I wasn’t able to fix that problem in my own marriage, I still think you shouldn’t resign yourself to accepting a sexless marriage. I hope that someone else will come along in this thread with some useful perspective or suggestions on this issue.
I’ve been in a sexless previous engagement, and my marriage of 14 years has seen ALL possible phases. I think the only thing you can be sure of is: The odds of having similar libidos, long term, isn’t likely. What the couple does WHILE they don’t match, dictates whether or not the relationship will survive.
Sometimes. I know some women who aren’t looking for emotional intimacy from sex. They want SEX. However, I don’t know any of these women who have ever settled down into a long term relationship - they are all still single in their 40s.
Why should he dump you when the relationship looks good from his prospective. Seems to me it’s the responsibility of the person having the problems to voice them, and if they aren’t addressed, end the relationship.
I’ll probably get shouted down for this, whatever. Many women are slow to forgive. My exwife’s reason for not having sex? It was something I had said in an argument nineteen years earlier. I didn’t even remember the argument.
I still see the women who are thinking like that (and thus presumably using the term) being viewed negatively rather than positively. Yes, there isn’t as much “up in arms” indignation here as in the other thread, but it doesn’t really look like it’s being viewed in a positive light to me.
I don’t know about how well this worked for French nobles, but as you know it does work for some people today. I know several couples in different social circles who have long-term open marriages or are polyamorous. After my divorce, I was in a five-year relationship that openly included a few lovers on the side. On the one hand, it worked well because that boyfriend and I had hot sex with each other over a five year period; the quantity and quality of sex did not go down much at all over that time. We only lived together for part of the time, but we were a pair bonded couple as opposed to FWB or something like that. I won’t lie - there were emotional difficulties to navigate. In general, it seems that a truly open arrangement where each partner knows what’s going on works better than a “don’t ask, don’t tell” type arrangement.
I have no idea of the frequency of long-term open marriages or relationships in the US. I think people tend to hide nonmonogamy because, at least in the US, the public generally does not approve of it. If I recall correctly, there was a thread here fairly recently about a person trying to decide how to feel about some friends who had “come out” as polyamorous. IIRC, that situation was complicated in that the OP was trying to decide how to explain the situation to his/her children. But I must admit I was shocked by the amount of negative reaction in that thread, because I thought this was a pretty liberal place. So, I think it would be quite a long time before Americans could get used to marriages with lovers on the side, and it may just never happen.
If we’re thinking of the same thread, I think that situation was also being complicated by the newly revealed polyamorous couple also engaging in more PDAs than many dopers considered normal or proper even for a monogamous couple.
Salinqmind said a lot of what i was thinking. I don’t want to bend like a pretzel and change position a bazillion times while having sex.
What good is a big dick if the owner is bad at foreplay, and not great at kissing? I dated a guy like that, but he wasnt’ a great match for me because of other things like the fact that he hated animals and had a fit because of the family pictures i’d put up on my fridge.
Communication is a big part of good sex, and if he isn’t going to listen to me outside of the bedroom then the sex isn’t going to be great. Sex when your body isn’t warmed up isn’t much fun and from personal experience - you are sore, unhappy and it’s a good setup for urinary tract infections.
OTOH I’ve dated a Polish man who likes cats, communicates well so - I find that sex is good with him regardless of size, and we enjoy each other’s company outside of the bedroom.
I expect a lot of that sort of thing is related to women, who have historically been pretty powerless, using what power they did have to get what they wanted. A lot of women still think that way, probably not entirely without reason (it’s not like all women in our society are equal yet).
I really think people don’t understand this because they’re so inundated with the idiot basic porn model beloved by MEN. The only thing worse than a clueless dunce who is lousy in bed is a clueless dunce who is lousy in bed lovingly waving his BIG DICK around like it’s some kind of First Prize in the Clueless Boob Contest. Show it to your friends, junior, keep it away from me.
In my case, the only time I put up with lousy sex was a combination of the first plus it being my first lover and me getting a bad case of “self-guilt” (“you’re just being too picky”… “we’re from different cultures, of course we have different expectations”… “it’s just a communication problem”…). The discovery that Mr “I want you to be the mother of my children” was planting other gardens on the side prompted the realization that someone who wasn’t willing to make any effort to meet my needs didn’t deserve me to make any effort meeting his.
Like I said, it was my first: I can be very stupid, but I do learn. And I learned that no sex is preferable to bad sex (I’m not talking about “meh sex” or “could’a been better sex”, this was grades beyond that).
I am not saying that a large penis is the be all end all of sex. I’m just finding it strange that it wasn’t brought up at all in a thread about women that are less than enthusiastic about sex. So I thought I would bring it up.
I am proposing that larged penis men are no less and no more loving on average than small penis men. No more or less giving, skilled, romantic, good at kissing, whatever, on average, then their small penis peers.
Very, very good points. When my husband and I had our first, sex became something we both put on the backburner. I’ve been really good about doing things different this time around, and I’m hoping that I’ll be as successful with sex. We’re both hoping to make it more of a priority and shut off the damn TV at night. It’s funny, but that’s probably the biggest drain on our sex life. My husband gets totally hypnotized, to the point where he’ll forget to sit down if he walks by and the TV is on.
I’ve not read the other thread, but I don’t find it strange at all. For most women I’ve known in meatspace, within a fairly wide range around average, size is at or near the bottom of the list in what makes a man a satisfying or dissatisfying lover. The brain being (ime) by far the most important female erogenous zone, being loving, skilled, romantic, and all that is much much much more important to a satisfying sexual experience than dick size, so it seems perfectly normal to me that people would be harping on those things and ignoring size outside objections to true needle-dick.